Worry Book

Thursday, 6/16/11

2011-06-16T21:13:00.000-04:00

Grandma is still on vacation. Here is my e-mail to her tonight:

Jane was so sweet this evening. She was in such a good, HAPPY mood. We clipped the end of her second to last tucky. She got the sad face and cried a little but we threw it away together and she didn't ask for it while we were in bed!

She's listening to the stories in books more now. We have been reading Baby Dear and she requests it by name. "Mommy we read Baby Dear now?" She really likes it.

Our goodnight routine took about an hour but it was so funny to just sit and listen to her. She was so happily wound up. She would sing different songs, "if you're sad say boo hoo. BOO HOO! if you're happy say hooray. HOORAY!" The way she says "round and round" for wheels on the bus is UH-doe-bul! She even does the hand motions to match. She was just jabbering and singing away and oh she melts my heart. At one point when she knew I was getting serious about going to sleep she started falling asleep too. I noticed her eyes opening and closing and I couldn't help myself so I kissed her right on the mouth/cheek. After that she did it to ME about 2-3 times, very shyly (or slyly) waving at me. She fell asleep shortly after that.

OH my goodness I am so in love with this beautiful, happy little girl.

She told me tomorrow that she didn't want me to stay home with her, but she wanted to go to Miss Marie's. :)

She also told us that she had to go to timeout today but we can't figure out what for. Lol. She could be making that up, but I don't know.

She's the happiest kid on the block for sure. And I am the happiest mommy.

I Miss Her - Common Thursday Theme

2011-06-09T10:27:00.001-04:00

I really, really miss Jane today. I left her at Miss Marie’s this morning and I just feel uneasy about it. #1, the kiddie pool had water in it this morning. Marie told me she emptied it after every use. I do not care that she left water in the pool. It’s totally fine with me if Jane gets in this water. It’s just that Miss Marie told me she does otherwise. What else is she misleading me about? #2, she nonchalantly told me that she gave Jane one of another kid’s Puffs the other day. It’s fine to give her a Puff. She can have Puffs. BUT, she isn’t supposed to have ANY food I don’t send with her. Gerber Puffs have a huge list of ingredients. I know she didn’t read through all of them to make sure egg wasn’t listed. What else is she giving her? Is she giving her food she is allergic to? And I am mad at myself because I didn't even say anything to her. I should have. I just felt like it was awkward timing. Now it's going to be even more awkward when I bring it up NEXT Tuesday, if I even do. I'm chicken shit.

Why is childcare so hard?

And when I left I was in a bit of a hurry and Jane so sweetly waved bye to me and I just feel like I didn’t get a proper hug and a kiss and this has thrown my entire day off so far. I just can’t convey to anyone how in love I am with my kid. I am assuming other mothers understand, but it always catches me off guard how much I love this little girl. When I see her after I’ve left her for a while it is the biggest sense of relief. She is such a site for sore eyes, I physically feel it in my stomach. At night, when I lie down next to her in bed I squeeze her little legs, I stare at her, and kiss her sweet cheeks for probably 30 minutes before I can even consider falling asleep myself. She has become my entire reason for existence. Is that healthy? I don’t care. It’s the way things are.

Miss Marie told DH the other day about what a joy it is to watch Jane. This was an unsolicited bit of information too. Jane is so GOOD and sweet. She has not once had a timeout. Even if she were the timeout queen I would still adore her, but I have to brag. She is the best! Miss Marie even says so. ;)

I Miss Her

2011-06-02T13:09:00.002-04:00

I miss Jane. I miss her all day long every day that I am at work. Sometimes it physically hurts me I miss her so much. (And yet, when I get home, I immediately look forward to bedtime.) She loves going to the sitter, Miss Marie. I'm a little uneasy about the sitter. I trust the woman but there are things I don't like. #1, She's a smoker. She doesn't smoke in the house and Jane never come home reeking, but she sometimes have this vague smell of cigarettes about her. It's VERY vague. I am the cigarette nazi. I can sniff out a cigarette miles away. So this really isn't that bad. I should probably just get over this. The house doesn't smell like smoke either. #2, During the summer she has the kids play in pools. Jane will only ever be in a kiddie pool, under (supposedly) constant supervision. The big kids get in the big pool with life jackets. She empties the kiddie pool when they are done and removes the ladder from the big (above ground about 3-4 feet) pool so no kid can escape and get in the big pool while she isn't watching. Her safety measures are good, but you still wonder how safe it can be. I sometimes wish I wasn't so ultra-concerned about everything. OK, I often wish this. I mean, our parents grew up swimming in the river with no life jacket, eating lead-paint based toys, in asbestos filled houses. They made it. I had the rusted through wagon, the choking hazard REAL Little People, I walked to the park and swimming pool unaccompanied by an adult by the third grade, etc. I made it too. We are probably TOO safe nowadays, but you still have to worry. I think we are too informed nowadays. Whenever a kid drowns or some horrible accident happens, we hear about it via e-mail, the internet, the news, etc. Each time a child is missing you hear about it 24/7. I know these things happen, but they are still so rare. Back in the "old days" it wasn't this way. I think the "old days" were better in this aspect. I take each bit of bad information to mean, THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME.
Oh and back to why I don't like the sitter. #3, She has a dog. I don't know WHY this bothers me. I really don't. It's a harmless old poodle. Jane doesn't like the dog. She's afraid of it. I guess that's why I don't like it. #4 I'm afraid she watches too many kids during the summer. That is one thing I am definitely going to check out. If there are too many kids, we will look elsewhere.

So, I wonder...would I feel this way about EVERY sitter? Would I find something to be uneasy about everywhere we go? I am good at finding the negative. I am good at worrying.

The good things about the sitter:
1. She caters to Jane's food allergies. Jane eats up in the highchair so I know she's not going to stealing food off of another kid's plate or something like that. This is very good. This was one of my TOP worries before we found Miss Marie.
2. Jane LOVES going there. The other day when I got home from work, she didn't come running to see me, she didn't smile or anything. She just said very seriously, "I need to go back Miss Marie's house."
3. She tells us a lot about Jane's day. How long she napped, if she pooped, cute little tidbits and things she did.
4. She sends all of our stuff back to us clean. All food dishes are returned washed. Jane's bib, which is rarely dirty, is folded up in a plastic bag.
5. She puts OUR sunscreen on Jane (Jane breaks out to "other" stuff) without complaint. I think she just sprays all of the other kids down with the same stuff.
6. Jane comes home happy. She never does things which make us wonder if she's being hurt, neglected or abused in any way. She has actually benefited from going. She comes home and can count, do ABC's, and loves to show us the games she's learned.
7. Miss Marie is very close to our house. She charges only $25 a day, she's ALWAYS "open for business", and she is very flexible with our part-time schedule.
8. Jane will actually nap for her (about 50% of the time). I'm glad for this. I was afraid she would never nap for anybody but someone whose hair she was playing with at the time.

I am just trying to talk myself into "outside" childcare. I even miss Jane when she's with my own mother. I still worry about her then too.

When I have this baby, I am going back on Zoloft IMMEDIATELY. Maybe that will take the edge off of my worrying. I mean, I know every mother worries endlessly about her children, but sometimes I think mine is a touch too much.

Imabusybee

2011-04-02T22:11:00.000-04:00

I would really like to talk about myself for a minute. And what better place to do that than on your own blog?!

I got my hair cut. Really quite short. I like it and I dislike it. I mainly like it. I will almost totally like it after it's grown about a quarter of an inch longer.

I had another episode of spotting (first one led to an ER trip) with this pregnancy. An ultrasound yesterday showed that things are going well. I am still so early that we couldn't even see a heartbeat or a fetal pole/aka what will become your baby). But everything is as it should be right now and that is very encouraging. I am feeling sick. That awful pregnancy feeling and it is EXACTLY like what I had with Jane except I didn't get this way until later in the first (technically second) pregnancy. It's this gross feeling and you think eating will help it go away. It's not nausea but I do feel gaggy. It's heartburn and stomach churning and some weird feeling that can only be described as pregnant. It's not cool. I am hoping it doesn't get much worse or otherwise I am going to be a pretty pathetic mom. I already feel guilty because I am sort of in my own world and neglecting Jane. I mean, to the outside I'm not, but I am really not giving her my all. And she deserves that.

Speaking of Jane. She is PRECIOUS (what, you didn't know?). And happy. And talking up a storm. And she has all of her bottom teeth now. And I didn't know this until I counted them in a picture I took of her crying (heh heh). She won't let me SEE her teeth, even when we are brushing. She went to her first half-day at the sitter's house and did very well. I am still exceedingly nervous about it. She goes back on Tuesday for another half-day and then will be fulltime one day a week thereafter. SCARY!!!! When I got to Miss Marie's house to pick her up she cried when she saw me. I kind of thought she would. But apparently she did very well and didn't cry once while I was away. She ate all of her breakfast (bless her little heart) and she played with the other kids and she danced up a storm. She was starting to get sleepy when I got there. She saw me, cried, took her Dora lunchbox that was nearby and said, "take Dora wit me, go home" and then she walked to the front door with her lunchbox and waited for me. Now that broke my heart. Into a million little pieces. I know she had a good time though. But she was ready to go home. Poor baby. I hate leaving her with somebody I really don't know. It makes me feel impotent. It just doesn't feel natural. I really like my job and I really like working part-time, but times like these I would quit if I could.

I know what my next baby girl is going to be named and I love it so much. I am dying for this baby to be a girl. And I know that since I said that, it will be a boy. I thought Jane was a boy for a while and I was actually disappointed when we found out she wasn't. Ha! Disappointed to get my sweet baby Jane?! Crazy! Anyway, even when we thought Jane was a boy, we still didn't have a name picked out. I do not like a single boy's name. I can't find one that gets me excited. Jane got me excited. We knew a girl would be Jane from the get-go. Just like I know my second girl will be Kate. (Katherine). Ah, I really love it. It really makes me excited. Jane and Kate Skinner. Come on. Two strong, classic names. So, whether it's this baby or not, my next baby girl will be Katherine (called Kate) Skinner. If I have a boy, he may be nameless until he's old enough to pick his own name.

We (read my husband) are doing a lot of work on the house right now. We got it raised (foundation stuff) last week so now we are filling in drywall cracks and painting. A big project, although it sounds fairly boring and straightforward. It's not. Logistically speaking it's kind of a nightmare. Only one of us can do the work while the other has to get Jane out of the house. Guess it's back to Grammaw's. She's getting kind of sick of us. We're hoping to have the house ready by Jane's birthday party (April 23). We have to buy a grill, new patio furniture, paint the house (almost every room), do a bunch of yardwork, and get Jane's swingset up and running in a matter of a few weekends. It's daunting. But I think we can do it. Um. Maybe not, actually. I don't know. It's stressing me out because my husband doesn't want me to help painting. I trust him, but I trust myself better to do the painting where the wall meets the ceiling. I have a steadier hand. Oh my, I forgot I wanted to powerwash and restain the deck. I don't think that one will get done in time for the party. :-/

She's Come Undone (sorry Wally Lamb...loved your book by the way!)

2011-03-25T21:47:00.003-04:00

I knew this would happen eventually. I just didn't know when and under what circumstances. I have officially lost my mind. I am a total basketcase. A complete emotional trainwreck. I'm flipping out. I'm crying uncontrollably. I am feeling like a panic attack would be a welcome escape from the place I am at the moment.

Pregnancy hormones, denying Jane the opportunity to nurse, having to put her in the care of a complete stranger for 1-2 days a week, plus stopping my Zoloft cold turkey (Yes, again. What's that saying? Ah, yes -- the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results.) have given this girl all she can handle. She's flipped her lid.

Yes, I'm still pregnant. That is great news! Isn't it? I don't even know because my brain is so fried I can't even comprehend the fact that I am pregnant. Apparently, the hormones are raging. I was a cool cucumber (so not) when I was pregnant with Jane. What is with the crying now?! I may have been a chronic worrier, but at least I didn't have to deal with the crying last time.

I've weaned Jane. Or am weaning. I'm not sure if you can say it is past-tense yet. But she will never nurse again. Bring on the waterworks. This is very emotional for me. I know I nursed her long enough. I am not feeling guilty over that. But when she looks at me and tries to take my boobs out of my shirt and cries, "Mommy miiiilk" it really breaks my heart. I want to give her comfort. Now I just give her a reminder that mommy is mean and doesn't love her enough to give her that comfort. She's actually doing remarkably well with it, but occasionally she will slip and ask for milk and when I remind her it is all gone, she whimpers and I have to choke back the tears. Tonight, since I am already in the most fragile state of my life, she saw my cleavage (lol, I know, this sounds weird) and she started crying and said, "mommy hold hand". I lost it. Right there in front of her I started the ugly cry. Then she got very concerned that mommy was crying so she kissed me and got up in my face and said, "hi, hi" like she was trying to take my mind off of crying. And the final blow was when she said, "mommy STOP crying, momma stop crying!". I finally did. It took great effort on my part. I was scaring her. :'(

And now on to what I think is the main part of my breakdown: child care. My mom no longer wants to watch Jane 2 days a week (just one...I think/hope). Jeremy is not going to be able to watch her on his normal day for about 6 weeks. This means the dreaded "outside caregiver" must come into play. I am not mad at my mother. Really. She has been watching Jane since she was an infant for FREE. I knew this day would come. But I was in major denial. We've met with a woman who I think might work. I guess it's really a good deal. She charges $25 a day (I won't tell her I'd pay her $100) and will watch Jane whenever we need her to. Any day of the week. She watches 3 other kids full-time and has a few other "drop-ins" (that is what Jane will be dubbed) on any given day. She is nice. I met her in the park last year and struck up a conversation with her. But I still don't know her. Yes, I got references, but...I just don't have trust. (I am faithless in everything.) I am scared out of my mind about Jane's food allergies. And when I get in the presence of a potential caregiver, I lose my sense of self. I freeze. I don't know what to ask. I don't know how to be normal. I get chatty. My sentences get choppy. I mess up my tenses. I become completely stupid. My tongue gets in my way for crying out loud! I forget to be Jane's advocate and am just really concerned with the fact that if I show any doubt in her maybe she will be mean to my child. I've already run through my mind where I can place a hidden camera in her house so I can make sure she isn't giving the children hard-boiled eggs willy nilly. I seriously have. I thought I could maybe hide one in my diaper bag and strategically place it somewhere I can get a sneak peak. How crazy is that?! Will I really do it? No. (I don't guess so, damnit) I find myself downplaying my fear over her food allergies when really I should just tell this woman that I am scared to death about Jane eating something she's not supposed to and having a horrible ER-neccesary-trip-inducing reaction. She did assure me that it would be no problem to keep Jane's food that I bring from home to just Jane. I just need her to tell me exactly why that is the case. I must get up the strength to ask her for a second interview. After I call every reference on her list, that is. (heh heh...I am such an idiot, I told her we probably wouldn't even need the references). I'm so scared I might offend a possible caregiver. How can this be good parenting? It's not. I'm lame and weak. And spineless.

We went today for our first "interview" but it was during kid hours so it was kind of hard to speak to her at length about any one topic. Jane seemed to like it OK. The kids were really interested in her and had her cornered at one point. Not being mean, but overly embracing of her. She got spooked. Came over to me and said, "go home". Turn dagger in heart another rotation.

Yeah yeah yeah, I stopped my Zoloft. Again. Why? Because I can handle it. I'm pregnant anyway. I don't need it. I totally didn't have a complete panic attack today and call my mom sobbing uncontrollably, "pleeassee.....come.....over....I...can't...breathe". I'm so able to deal with this on my own. That's why I stopped my Zoloft. Cold turkey. For the billionth time in my life. I learn from my past mistakes buddy! You better believe it!

Lastly, one final thing I feel the need to mention is that my body is disgusting. I should have lost all of my excess bagagge (I look like the saggy baggy elephant) before I got knocked up again. Now I feel as if I've passed some kind of critical point and there is no going back to even a halfway decent body. I will never again have a body that won't make me want to vomit and say, "What is that disgusting thing!? Can't be me! What?! That is ME?! Oh my GAWD, kill me now!" again. This second pregnancy will for sure send me spiralling into stretch marks, which I somehow avoided the first time around, and an oddly disappearing lumpy, dented ass for all eternity. Don't laugh. It's not even funny. If you laugh I will cry and I don't know if I am capable of stopping.

Look, it's ME!

Spring has Sprung

2011-03-21T13:35:00.000-04:00

I've known since last Thursday that I am pregnant. Wednesday night I took a test and I swear I saw a line if I held it to the light at an angle just so. I sent my husband out for a digital and took it the next morning. Verdict: PREGNANT. I've since taken about 8 more tests just to be sure. They are all positive.

It's a weird feeling to be pregnant again. I didn't think it would happen this fast. Yes, we were trying, but I was sure it was going to be another long journey. And I am just barely pregnant. We're talking not even a week, so I know it can end in a bad way, but I am hopeful it will not.

So, if all goes well, Jane will be a big sister (to a baby sister, I hope) on or around November 29, 2011. Oops, I picked out our health insurance this year under the assumption I would NOT be having a baby. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Yes, I am very excited. I am just a subdued excited because I know from past experience how these things can turn ugly in the blink of an eye. My first pre-natal appointment is April 13. If I hear a heartbeat that day I will get super excited and freak out. Until then, I am taking care of myself the best I can and am eating up every moment of Jane's existence and loving my life for TODAY.

(in all honesty I'm obsessed with my lack of symptoms, my fear of miscarriage, and wondering how I am going to survive pregnancy with a toddler who is pure energy from 7 to 7, fretting about childcare, Christmas with a new baby, etc.).

Yeah, it's nice to say I'm living in the moment. I'm TRYING to!!!!! I promise.

I'm on Mars!

2011-03-21T13:26:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've written anything. I've mainly been enjoying life with little to no drama. Jane is growing up at a too-fast pace and she is talking and carrying on conversations. It's amazing to me the difference a year makes in a little one's life.

Right now she's obsessed with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (MMC). Now, before I had kids I swore I wouldn't let them sit in front of the TV all day. And, I don't. But, she does watch like at least 1 hour a day and it's always MMC. I try to cut down but sometimes I need to get something done (like eat dinner in peace) and this is the only thing that will appease her. One of the shows she's seen MANY times is "Goofy on Mars". She now pretends that she is on Mars all of the time and that she has fallen in a hole (as Goofy did). It's pretty neat to see her play make believe. She runs around saying "I'm on Mars! I'm on Mars!" She has also played doctor (like Daisy Duck) and asked her Minnie Mouse doll, "whatsamatter? tummy hurt? nose hurt? right dere? all gone!" So, while I know TV viewing isn't the best, it has enabled her to play make believe in a way that she did not do before this obsession.

Yes, I still adore her. Yes, I still love being her mother. She amazes me every day. She turns 2 in one month. Bittersweet!

My Jane update

2010-10-27T11:05:00.001-04:00

Jane surrounded by her adoring aunts and Mommy.

Jane has her weekly library class today. That's where she is right now. I am thinking about her always. I never get to take her to these classes since they fall on a Wednesday. DH goes with her and he gives me a full report complete with cell phone pics. I really wish I could go to this once, just to see her. She has a ball at these classes. She smiles at everyone, says hi, and is the most outgoing "baby" there. She gets down in the middle of the circle and dances, goes up to the teacher to get a really good look at the book they are reading, approaches older kids, placing her hand on theirs and saying a sincere "hi" to them. I've been told today that she went around and gave all of her toys to the other children, afterwards just sort of staring at them like, "well now I don't have a rattle...why did I give it away?!" I don't know where she gets this outgoing gene. My husband and I are certainly not extroverts and when we were children we were exceedingly shy. I like to think she's this way because we have allowed her to feel safe and loved by the world at large. But who knows...maybe this is just the way she is and nature beats nurture. I do know that we have nurtured her in every way possible. She is constantly showered with love from all of the adults in her life, both morning and night. She has never been left to wonder if someone is going to care if she cries. We are always there to reassure her that all is OK.

[And, by the by, for everyone who told me that co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding would make my child "weak" and co-dependent: suck it! Yeah, that's right. YOU were wrong. I was right. I told you so! ha ha ha]

Since Jane is so social and always wanting to go play with the "babies", we have also enrolled her in a Mommy-and-Me dance class for toddlers 18-36 months. I am a little nervous about it, and we haven't started classes yet (we will next Monday). It's incredibly expensive. $40 a month plus all the initial equipment, including tap shoes. Yes, tap shoes. I thought that was a little over the top for an 18-month old, but she absolutely loves her tap shoes. And I don't have her enrolled in dance because I want her to be a dancer. I am only doing this because she needs more socialization. I figure once baby #2 gets here (no, I am not currently pregnant, nor am I trying) we will have to stop these extracurricular activities due to money and time constraints. She can play with baby brother/sister then. Of course, if SHE wants to be a dancer, I will do everything my middle-class income allows to make that happen.

She is not only social, but extremely caring. She always worries when she sees other people crying. If she hurts herself and cries she will come and kiss ME. She hugs me and acts upset when I cry (I don't often cry but I will fake cry to illicit a hug...guilty). The other night we saw a Haitian baby who was crying and suffering from Cholera on the nightly news. It was heartbreaking. Jane couldn't get over it. She kept pointing to the TV well after the story was over and saying "baby?" in a caring voice. She was very upset at seeing that baby cry. Gosh, that moment made me so grateful I have a healthy child and sick for those who do not.

So Jane is just the greatest. She's amazing. She's wonderful. She's absolutely adorable. I love her with every breath in my body. She is the love of my life. I coudln't imagine my life without her.

Yada yada yada. :)

Achoo!

2010-10-27T10:28:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one who pees a little every time I sneeze? And sometimes it's not just a little, but enough to soak through my pants. I know pushing out a 9 lb. baby has a little to do with this but this happened to me even before I had Miss Jane. I know they say that doing Kegels will help...yeah yeah yeah. My gynecologist tells me this every time I see her. I just can't be bothered with it. Who has the time? Seriously, I can't even remember to take my vitamins every day. I am lucky to remember once every three weeks. How am I supposed to remember my Kegels?! I guess I could do some now, but chances are this will be the only time I do them this month and so what's the use anyway? I guess I will continue to pee a little every time I sneeze. It dries fairly quickly.

Tuesday, 9/14/10

2010-09-14T16:11:00.001-04:00

So I am not bored anymore. Nothing has changed. Maybe my hormones. I am caught up at work though and that makes for some boring days. I have spent today looking into setting up a college fund for Jane, a will for me and my husband, and increasing our current life insurance coverage. So, I feel pretty accomplished. Now I am wiling away the last half hour of my day pining for Jane. I really miss her. Since it's cooled down a bit I've been taking her to the park to play in the mornings and she loves it. She laughs on the swing, she runs around and goes down the slides all by herself. It is so cool to see her grow like this. I can't believe all I ever wanted was a "baby". I love toddlerhood! Tomorrow her Dada is taking her to a music class for other toddlers at our library. I am excited for her to do that. And fairly soon I am going to sign her up for dance lessons (mommy and me dance lessons). I just want to get her out there with other kids. She loves other kids or "babies" as she calls them. I met an old acquaintance at Wal-Mart the other day and got her phone number. She has 3 girls and one is very close to Jane's age. I told her I'd call her and we could get together for a play date. I haven't done that yet. I'm a bit shy. I don't know what to say. Somehow asking her if she wants to come over to my house for a play date seems stupid. This is why I have no friends. ;) I am no good on the phone. I get all panicky when I have to call people.

Now how is this for a random blog post. I am simply writing to pass the time. I can't even come up with a title for this one.

I Hate Eggs

2010-08-18T16:08:00.000-04:00

At Jane's 15-month well-check she was supposed to get her MMR vaccination. I was really nervous about it. At one point in recent history the MMR was not given to kids with an egg allergy. Now, it is considered safe for even those with extreme egg allergies. Nevertheless, I was nervous and kept telling our Pediatrician about it. He finally said that he would give her a skin-prick test (SPT) to see if she had a reaction, just to put me at ease. We did it. I cried. He had to stick the needle all sideways into her arm and inject a little bit in. It looked quite painful. 20 minutes later he said she is not getting her MMR shot until (and if) she outgrows her egg allergy. Apparently, the welt she had was a reaction. I was grateful we did the test and she did not get the shot. Yay for my mommy instincts, right? :-/

So we get back home and I call the allergist. If the MMR is considered safe for egg-allergic kids, why did Jane react? He told me he could give her the MMR shot in his office THIS FRIDAY in graduated doses. He will do his own SPT and go from there. He thinks our doctor overreacted as 50% of positive SPT readings are false.

...sigh...

I'm really nervous about her getting it. I know she will be under the best care possible if she does have some kind of reaction. But, nervousness is racing through my veins. We have to leave our house by 7:15 am (early for us) to go to Louisville and will undergo a series of shots within a 2-hour period. My poor child.

I hate food allergies. I hate that it's ruined my life. And it really has. I'm scared to take Jane anywhere now. Even our pediatrician said that you have to be careful if someone has even eaten an egg and then kisses Jane. I asked him how long someone would have to refrain and he said 24 hours. What?! So if someone eats a cookie they have to stay away from my daughter or else she might have a fatal reaction. How am I supposed to manage that? I guess I will just keep her on lock-down for the rest of her life.

This is the reason I am already worried about Thanksgiving and thinking of boycotting all holiday festivities this year. This is the reason I can't take Jane on any overnight trips. This is the reason I obsess over what she eats, even if I KNOW it is "safe". This is the reason I have nightmares about EGGS.

I can't deal with this. I just can't. I hate it.

The dreaded B-word

2010-08-16T20:08:00.000-04:00

I hate to say it. I'm officially bored. It's been a long time since I've been bored. Jane came along and my whole life changed. There was always something to do. I didn't think I'd ever find time for boredom again. Alas, it found me. Now, I know this must be something that a lot of people struggle with from time to time. I know it can't just be me. But sometimes I wake up with no exciting plans for the day and I just want to cry. Days alone with Jane are the worst. I delight in everything she does. She is my next breath, my entire reason. But...we are just bored a lot these days. There is simply nothing for us to do. Get up, breakfast, play, laundry, dishes, snack, nap, lunch, dishes, play, cook dinner, blah, blah BLAH. Repeat. The monotony is getting to me. Even work bores me. It' all so predictable. So typical. And if you asked me what would fix my boredom I could not give you an answer. I have no idea.

I think what I'd like is to have another life for just a week or two. Maybe I could be 18 again and go to college for the first time. Or if I could become some gorgeous movie star having a love affair, going to expensive dinners and on tropical vacations. Of course, I would want to come back to my life...my Jane and my husband. But a week or two in someone else's (charmed) life sounds exciting. I just wonder what everyone else does when they feel this way. Is this why people have affairs? Is this why some people thrive on constant drama? I know I don't really want that. I'm really extremely happy with my life the way it is now. I guess this is really a reflection upon myself. My mom always told me that bored people are BORING. Touche...I've always been prone to boredom.

So each day I look forward to Jane's bedtime and then when she's finally asleep and I am "free" I figure out I have nothing to do. House is clean. Dinners are planned and prepped for the week. Facebook is slowly draining the life out of me. I can't concentrate on reading. TV sucks. WHAT?!

Maybe this is just the heat of summer getting to me. Maybe I should take my f-ing Zoloft. Maybe I should get pregnant again. (No...not that.) Maybe all I need is a night out with some good girlfriends, which is really not feasible considering the only ones I'd really like to go out with live far away and I can't yet leave Jane at night. Maybe my little family should go on a mini vacation. But then again...that is so much trouble with Jane's egg allergies and having to prepare ALL OF HER MEALS at home beforehand. Ugh...I just hope this passes soon. Until then, I feel like a "Desperate Housewife".

Some Random Thursday

2010-08-12T21:59:00.000-04:00

It's 9:30 on a Thursday evening and my husband and Jane have been asleep for 2 hours. I've been wasting time on Facebook, straightened the house, and even got a 30 minute workout in on the treadmill. I feel GOOD! I wonder how much I weigh. Surprisingly, I haven't weighed myself in at least a month. I used to weigh myself every day. Of course, that was when I was dieting and delighted in the scale. I currently weigh probably 10 pounds less than I did when I got pregnant. Pretty good, but I've still got a good 15 pounds to go before I get to an acceptable weight. 25 if we're talking goal weight. I worked out on the treadmill in only my bra and panties. Luckily there aren't too many mirrors in the room, but I got a look at myself in one mirror and I don't guess I look that bad if you sort of blur your vision a bit. ;)

And speaking of PANTIES, I bought some new ones! 2 pairs of lacy Daisy Fuentes hipsters (not hers, but her brand) that actually do NOT ride up my ass all day and a 3-pack of Jockey french-cut COTTON panties. I'd never worn Jockey's before. These are pretty acceptable. They are comfortable and yet not entirely granny. I'd say they are appropriate for a gal in her early 30's. Well, at least a married gal with a 15-month old. Enough about panties.

Now on to my chronic worry problem. Yes, it's still there. If you met me on the street you'd think I was totally normal. Maybe a bit chatty, but basically normal. Inside I am a giant ball of nervousness. I am constantly on edge. There is this terminal gnawing in my stomach. I guess it's dread. And it's all to do with Jane. I will tell you it's because of her food allergy that I am like this, but I realize that if it wasn't that, it would be something else. I just constantly worry about her. I can never relax and just BE. On the way home from the store today I seriously thought about getting some counseling. I should probably get some "help" although in the past it's never gotten me far. My family will all say I should just TAKE MY ZOLOFT. I don't know why I won't do that. Seriously, I will take a Zoloft one day and then forget for 5 days to take it again. I guess I should give it a try for a few weeks and see if it really will make a difference. I am just so annoyed with the way I am. It is in my genes to be like this. I was BORN nervous and worried. I envy my mother who simply enjoys things as they come. She never assumes. She has faith that things will just work out. I, however, do not. And it's quite impossible to just force yourself to be positive, happy-go-lucky and carefree. Quite. I mean, I know all parents worry about their children. But not the way I do. Trust me. I'm loco.

Well, the downfall of working out in the evening is that it gets me pumped up and I have trouble falling asleep. It's currently 10:00 and I am not sleepy despite waking up with Jane at 5:30 am (egad!) this morning. But if I don't work out in the evenings, I just don't work out ever. Them's the breaks. I'm off to shower and then read a little. Wish me luck on the whole sleep thing. I only have ONE HALF of an Ativan left and no plan on how to score more. No, I am not a drug addict. It's just hard to get your doctor to prescribe you those little gems (which are safe for nursing, the best news I have had all year long, almost). In fact, I treasure these little pills so much that I got a pill-cutter and cut mine in fourths just to last me longer. I get the highest dose prescribed to me when really I don't need one that high. I'm smart like that.

Here's my baby.

Good night.

Panty Confessions

2010-07-20T14:20:00.000-04:00

I am in desperate need of new underwear. In fact, my underwear drawer has always been a bit...childish, I guess. I have never been a lingerie type of girl. I can't wear fancy underwear thanks to my huge and, quite honestly, ugly ass. It's too uncomfortable. Whoever said thongs were comfortable is on crack. They are NOT comfortable. They are a 24/7 wedgie! I have never owned lingerie, as my husband has never shown any interest in it (he's a t-shirt and panties kind of guy I guess...and you can't blame him, he's got ME to work with). I own three bras. Four if you count the uncomfortable nursing bra I never wear. Two of those bras are the most basic harness contraptions you have ever seen...yes, they are nursing bras. My panties are basically the 4-pack of Hanes. Five if you're lucky and get the "1 free" packages. During my pregnancy I never bothered to wear any pantyliners (ew!) and post-pregnancy...well, if I am having a light day, I just go with it (is that too much of a confession?). My panties are nasty gross and several even have holes in them.

I guess I should splurge and go to Victoria Secret or something. But considering that I am starting from scratch, I can't stomach the sticker shock. And I really want to know if these fancy panties -- the low-ride hip-huggers, the lacy see-through things, the thongs (yuck!), the french-cut bikinis -- I really want to know if these are supposed to be comfortable. Are they to "normal" women? Because they aren't to me! Even when I go out and get my real size as opposed to the one size smaller that I ALWAYS buy just because I can't wear an 8 (and somehow a 7 is acceptable). They are just NOT comfortable.

I have always been curious about other girls' panty drawers. What would I find there? Am I abnormal or not? My entire panty drawer is full of nothing but cotton, flower designed, period panties.

Confession over.

Jane's 1-Year Video

2010-07-11T07:12:00.003-04:00

Jane's 1st Year from Marie Skinner on Vimeo.

It took me FOREVER to put this video together. I've had it finished for months now, but I just now figured out how to upload the entire video (no thanks to Youtube). Since I spent countless hours on this thing (and love the finished product) I thought I'd share.

Kudos to my friend Heather for suggesting the second song to me. It's Will Hoge's "Baby Girl" and I love it.

Food Allergies

2010-06-15T16:16:00.000-04:00

Well, Jane is allergic to eggs. I am depressed about it. More like despondent, really. I always had "what if she has food allergies" in the back of my mind because it seems like such a scary diagnosis, and one hard to deal with. A food can kill you if you eat it. That is major. That is horrible. And that is what I am dealing with.

About a week after she turned one, I decided (per doctor's orders) to give her a scrambled egg. She ate it up and within minutes her right cheek and the right side of her lips were puffed up like giant marshmallows. It was terrifying. My husband and I drove her to the ER. All they did was give Benadryl. In hindsite, I now know that they SHOULD HAVE given her a shot of epinephrine. Long and horrible story short, we visit an allergist and confirm: egg allergy.

Now we are to avoid eggs in all forms. I am avoiding them too since I am still breastfeeding her and the proteins can pass through the milk to her. Yikes! Eggs are in a lot of things. Soups, pastas, cakes, cookies, etc. They hide everywhere and I hate them. If she ever has another reaction, I am to jam an Epi-Pen (aka NEEDLE) into Jane's outer thigh and call 911. Scary? Yeah, sort of.

I am not taking this in stride. I am a nervous wreck. As anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm a bit of a crazy person. I worry and I worry and I worry some more. This food allergy has MURDERED me. Each time she eats I watch her and wait for a dreaded reaction. No, I am not feeding her eggs, but I am petrified that she is going to develop an allergy to another food. I have lost about 10 pounds because I am too nervous to eat. Sounds great, but I am not taking care of myself properly.

I started back on my Zoloft. I hope it helps me deal better with this. I am finding the love I have for Jane almost chokes me sometimes. I am moving along the path of crazy, over-protective mother and I don't necessarily want to be that way. I hope I can return to semi-normal soon...the Zoloft is supposed to do that for me. Forget counseling. Counseling costs money and our health insurance SUCKS.

There is a good chance she will outgrow this allergy by age 5 (I'm hoping sooner than that!). So I need to focus on that. I also need to learn to relax but I don't see that happening without massive amounts of alcohol running through my veins 24/7.

It ain't easy being me. Not because I have it bad but because my brain is messed up and set to constant, debilitating worry. Something real like this food allergy sends me way over the edge.

...sigh...

A Day at the Office

2010-04-28T16:06:00.000-04:00

My work moved offices. You should see our new building. It is FABULOUS. I have an office bigger than any of the bedrooms in my house (quite possibly bigger than our main living room) with a window bigger than a door. We have swanky board rooms with flat screen TVs. We even have a workout room (unequipped at the moment). This place is POSH. I'm loving it. And I am terribly spoiled. Here I am a part-time employee and I have my own huge office with a window and a door. The lights come on automatically when you enter the office and dim in the afternoons when there is too much sunlight. We are a certified GREEN building too, so that is really cool. I dig saving the environment and what-not.

Only bad thing about this place is that it's added about 12 minutes to my 5 minute commute. OK. I know I shouldn't complain about THAT. So I won't.

It's so nice to be working part-time. I used to hate Sundays because that meant the weekend was ending and I was going to have to endure 5 days in a row of waking up early and going to work. Now I have no ill feelings toward Sunday. I look forward to coming in to work. I always wake up early now that Jane is around. And the days that I stay home with her are most definitely harder than working out of my office all day. The days I come in to the office are a breeze. I really like my job and feel so efficient getting everything done in 3 days vs. the normal 5.

So I'm pretty happy about my work situation. I'm pretty happy about my home situation too (although we have foundation repair people coming next week to give us an estimate on fixing our sinking house and our kitchen has been taken over by ants). OK, in all honesty I would love to move to a bigger and better house, but going part-time has slashed my take home pay by about 1/4 and upgrading just won't be possible until I return to work full-time (in about 8 years after my second child turns 5. Well probably before then. We shall see.)

Insert brilliant closing line that wraps this entry up nicely {HERE}.

Adventures in Being Awake at 3AM Continue...

2010-04-27T09:39:00.001-04:00

It's official. Jane is one. We had her birthday party and despite the fact that none of my husband's family came, it was a great success. (No, I'm not bitter.) She had a wonderful day. She woke up in a great mood...and it was like she just knew that day was her birthday party. She loved showing off for everyone. Jane loves people, so unlike her mother these days.

Anyway, last Tuesday was her actual birthday and that was the day I cracked. I am chalking it up to a combination of PMS and consecutive nights of dismal sleep. The night before her birthday she was all over the place. She couldn't or wouldn't sleep.   And due to this fact, I simply snapped. I don't know what went awry in my brain, but something in me just decided that this was unacceptable.  I am the parent of a one-year old who cannot sleep through the night. Everyone else I know with babies (much younger than Jane, might I add) were complaining bitterly when their children woke just once during the night. I was enraged. Angry at these people for their petty complaints. Oh boo hoo, you woke up ONE time. You poor thing how will you ever make it? And I was angry at Jane for making me feel so completely out of control. I was desperate for sleep. So desperate that once while I was driving to work I had to remind myself that I was in fact DRIVING and not in some weird limbo state between real life and la-la land. I was literally seeing stars I was so tired.

The worst part of it was that the morning of her birthday I was mean to her. I did not tell her happy birthday. I did not let her tag along behind me while I got ready. I put her in her crib and let her scream and cry. It's a horrible feeling but I didn't have anything left to give the poor child.  I left for work that morning without even saying good-bye to her.

So my plan was to end it. Not my life. Not the co-sleeping.  But the night nursing. We were going cold turkey. I had to get ONE night of sleep. It had been 365 days since I had slept more than 4 hours in a row. I decided that I was going to spend the night with my parents AWAY from Jane and that my husband was going to take Jane. It was up to him to deal with her. I didn't care if he stayed up all night with her. I had to get out.   I had to sleep.

Well, 3 hours into my trial separation from Jane and right before I was about to drift off to a blissful 8 hours in a row, my husband called me. Jane was hysterical. She wouldn't sleep for him. She couldn't catch her breath. She missed me and I had to come home. Well, I was in the car before he could finish his explanation. Hearing her cry like that over the phone made me miserable. I got home and she was despondent. It took me a good hour to get her calmed down. When she finally did fall asleep (3 hours after her normal bedtime) she was still shuddering from her cries. I don't care how many people tell me that it's OK for her to cry. Because it is NOT. Not like that. That was just wrong.

And now I feel as though I must insert that my husband is a good dad. Jane loves her Dada. He watches her every Wednesday and she loves it. She takes naps for him quite easily. He is an active father who helps out equally and has never once tried to get out of changing a poopy diaper. There is just something in Jane that will not tolerate anyone but MOMMY after 6pm. I must be the one to put her to sleep. My husband cannot do it. She will not allow it. We've tried. It has to be me. Not Grammaw, not Dada. MOMMY and only Mommy. (poor mommy!!!!)

So after my big "meltdown" and decision to go away from Jane for one night and to night wean her, I am happy to say, I never got my 4+ hours of consecutive sleep and we are still nursing at night incessantly. I am better now because we've had several nights of good (well, good for us) sleep. But I'm not ready to commit myself to a week (or more?!) of no sleep that it is going to take to get her night weaned. I don't know if I will ever be willing. It's nice and easy to make a plan during the day and say you are going to stick with it no matter what. But when it's 3AM and you haven't slept a wink and you have to go to work the next day (mind you I am an accountant and deal with MILLIONS of $$ every day), that plan quickly changes into "I must survive and will do whatever I have to just to get this child back to sleep".

What is the worst about this is that the day I was so miserable and completely unable to process any rational thought, I confided in a friend. You know what I got? "Answers". Apparently, if I let her cry-it-out in a crib (yes for 6 hours in a row, it won't hurt her if she hyperventilates, throws up and faints) she will learn that she should give up and sleep. I should also use white noise, put her to bed no earlier than 10pm and swaddle her (anyone ever try to swaddle a 1-year old?). Gee, thanks for the tips "friend".  Nothing I was told was relevant but everyone in the world thinks they have the answers. I guess when you complain like I do, people feel compelled to "help" you. That's why I usually don't talk about my lack of sleep with my normal (eye roll) friends. They really do drive me mad. Especially because I know they think I am reaping what I sow for creating this "monster" that never sleeps.

So, Jane is one. We are still struggling with sleep. And I still love her more than my next breath.

My little birthday monster

Sweet Baby Jane

2010-04-13T09:10:00.000-04:00

In one week I will be the mother to a 1-year old. This is coming as a bit of a shock to me. I just can't imagine how this happened. I have a toddler now. She is walking all over the place. She can stand up on her own. She's talking (nonsensically). She's a BIG GIRL now. And I am so proud of her. I want to show her off to the world. She is my sweet baby girl and I cannot imagine my life without her. Just last night I was cleaning the kitchen and I looked outside to our backyard. There are toys in the backyard. There is a turtle sandbox. I used to think things like this trashed up a place. Now I see that they mean good things. It makes me very happy to see her toys "junking" up our house. These toys represent happiness. Before I had Jane, I felt like something was missing. I was desperate to get pregnant (and stay pregnant). A lot of people didn't understand. They said it would happen soon enough. Stop freaking out. Well, now I am standing by that desperation. I was missing my Jane. I think I had every right to feel so despondent. My life without her was kind of empty. No, I wasn't entirely unhappy. But I know I was longing for something. It's really cool being a parent. It's still incredibly scary and ~~a tad bit~~ incredibly hard. But it's rewarding and fills your life with so much good stuff. It's more than you can explain, really. (I refuse to say "it's the hardest job you will ever love." So...I won't say that.) I've often sat and thought, there is no way another baby on the planet has ever been loved as much as my Jane. It can't be. (No offense to those who love their babies as much as I love mine...obviously, YOU understand how I feel.)

I will say, I love Jane's name. At first I kind of thought it didn't fit her. I was wrong. It suits her well and I love that her name is so classic and yet so unique for this day in age. She will forever be my sweet baby Jane.

I am also still shocked that this kid has red hair. It's not just tinged with auburn. It is a full-blown case of the Gingers. At first I didn't really like it. I didn't want a kid with red hair! Now I wouldn't have her any other way. She is unique. And that is another reason why my "plain Jane" isn't plain at all. She's full of character. She's hilarious. She is smart and beautiful and her mommy loves her more than life itself.

Wordy Wednesday

2010-03-17T14:35:00.000-04:00

I've been following a lot of new mommy-blogs lately and I am amazed that there is this whole blogging world out there that I had no idea about. People are "branding" themselves and their blogs as some sort of marketing/media thing. I find that weird. There are buttons, contests and give-aways, reviews and post-themed days (Wordless Wednesday seems to be a popular theme)... A lot of these blogs are very good, funny and insightful. I love glimpsing into others lives and finding where we are the same (and often very different). I'm amazed at how witty your "average mom" can be. There are some really good writers out there!

Anyway, now that I've come across this mommy-blogging world, I was at first tempted to join in and market myself. Get as many followers as I could. Do my own button. Get my own "brand".

But then again...nah...I guess I will just stay as is. I was never one to join in on things.

I'm pretty sure posting multiple posts a day, as I often do when I am at work, is not proper blogging etiquette. So I apologize to the blogosphere and the handful of people who read my blog. I have never told many of my friends about my blog (only the ones I really like), so there is something freeing about being able to type what you want. This is my diary, but you also have the added bonus of other people (many whom you do not know IRL) reading. So you sort of feel like someone out there is listening to you. It kind of validates your feelings in a way. It's a good release. And since I am not exactly a private person, I don't mind sharing pieces of myself this way.

You will never see any reviews or give-aways or theme-days on my blog. But I'll keep on posting my little posts and rants and brags and enjoy myself thoroughly, thankyouverymuch.

This Too, Shall Pass...and That Ain't Cool With Me

2010-03-17T13:47:00.000-04:00

I hate the saying, "this too, shall pass". Because people say it like it's a positive thing. We should be living the moment instead of waiting for it to pass.

***

I am not religious. As in, I do not believe in God. This always surprises people (well most people) since I am such a "good Christian girl". I am not really spiritual either, but in my past when I was trying to get all in-tune with the world and myself I got into Buddhism. There were two times in my life when I was really into being present, and I remember those times with such fondness. The reason I turned to Buddhism was because I was miserable, as often happens when someone turns to religion. I didn't like the reincarnation factor about Buddhism or any other of the real religiousy stuff, but I loved the whole mindfulness thing. Being present in each of your moments is a hard task to accomplish. You have to actually work at paying attention to NOW. It's easy to reminisce about the past or think and worry about the future. But actually paying attention to what you are doing NOW isn't easy. The two times I really worked at mindfulness, I can remember with such clarity. I remember the way the trees looked. I remember the smell of the air. I remember it all so well (and I have a horrible memory). And each of the two times I got really into it, something wonderful happened.

First time, I was in high school. My grandmother had just died. I hated my friends. I hated the social aspect of high school. I was sad all of the time. Just absolutely miserable. That was when I learned to let it all go and just be me (thanks to the help of the book "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach). By being aware of what was going on, it helped me to just live instead of fret over who was my friend, what I was wearing, who I was (or more appropriately wasn't) dating. It felt really freeing to just live. I ditched the friends I hated. I didn't make more, but I also didn't feel so trapped. The next year I went to college and that was the best, most liberating time of my life, to date.

Second time, I was in college. I had just been dumped by my first real boyfriend. The one I thought I would automatically marry. I was devastated. For a good 3 months I moped (and stalked, but that's a different post). Again, I turned to Buddhism. I bought a bunch of books and concentrated on the present. I decided just to live and see what happened instead of lamenting my luck in romance. Not a month later, I met my husband. And I really think had I not been aware, I would have let him slip through my hands. I wouldn't have noticed the boy who sat behind me in French class. I would have been worrying too much about what had happened and what should have happened instead.

So now that I am completely happy and in love with my little girl I am finding that I am already wishing for the future. I am always like, well when she stops teething and when she starts walking she will sleep better. When she's 18 months we can do this. When she's 3 years old we can do that. I need to start learning to be present and enjoying our lives NOW because pretty soon I will be wishing this time back and realizing that I was not fully present. I want to remember this time the way I remember the other two times in my life when I was practicing mindfulness. With CLARITY.

So, with that in mind, I am going to re-read some of my Buddhism books. I love the theory of it all. It makes so much sense. You don't know what tomorrow brings. The past is over. So all you have is today. Better learn to be present and aware. So simple and yet so hard to truly practice.

UglyFatSleepDeprivedBlues

2010-03-16T15:31:00.000-04:00

So....

I'm not depressed.

But I'm something.

(Maybe chronically sleep deprived.)

I just feel a little off lately. The warmer temperatures really helped me last week but it's been cloudy the last few days and that makes me sort of morose. Glum. Down.

It probably really is sleep deprivation. Amazing how after a good night I feel so jubilant. But we haven't had a good night in a week or so. Jane got her first cold two weeks ago. The first night she couldn't breath at all so I had to sit with her in the rocker all night long. I got maybe an hour of sleep and Jane didn't fare much better. But the night after that she slept probably 6 hours IN A ROW. I was floored. I woke up at 3a.m. out of habit and couldn't fall back to sleep until 5ish due to the fact that I just knew she was going to wake up any minute. So, her good nights are so few and far between that I am so shocked by them that I can't sleep when they occur. Catch 22 I guess.

But Jane's cold lasted like 1.5 days and she recovered so well. She's a healthy little thing! And now she's really starting to try and walk more so that has destroyed what little progress we were making on her sleep. She has no off switch and will try and get up in the middle of the night. Last night it was nearly every hour. It's like I'm parenting an infant. Oh well. I wouldn't trade her for a good sleeper because then she wouldn't be my JANE anymore.

I'm also feeling that kind of icky way you feel when you know you are fat but you don't want to deal with it but it keeps coming across your mind anyway. I caught a glimpse of myself on our computer camera the other day and before I recognized it was me, I thought, EW she doesn't look so good. I'm really W I D E. Barf. So I am starting a jogging program even though I hate jogging and always have even when I was really thin (for me) and fit in my mid 20's (how is it that my mid-20's are already over?). And really I need to watch what I eat because I could work out all day and not lose a pound. My diet really determines whether I lose weight or not. I know this. Yet, I keep eating. I went to bed hungry last night and that is what I have to do in order to lose weight. So, it's a start.

I am also in desperate need of a hair cut, new clothes (Nothing fits me. It's either too small or too big.), and a mani/pedi. My husband the other day wanted to, um...do it, and my first response was, "what is wrong with you? I'm hideous. Something must really be wrong with you if you want to have sex with ME!"

So after writing my blog, I am now convinced I am suffering from a case of the "I'm Ugly, Fat and Sleep Deprived Blues". At least now I know.

So my plan of action to combat my UglyFatSleepDeprivedBlues:

getting a haircut on Thursday
starting my jogging program (day after tomorrow, I promise!)
eating less, especially no more late night snacking
buying some new clothes (I have no idea when I am going to manage to go clothes shopping for myself. Never?)
getting a mani/pedi (I will never do this. No time and can't justify the expense)
getting Jane to sleep better (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...)

Vacation 2010

2010-03-16T14:22:00.000-04:00

Spring has sprung. Or close enough. I am thrilled that winter is over. It looks like for the foreseeable future, we are staying in the 50's or higher and that makes me smile.

I've booked a vacation to Destin for late May. Did you hear me? I said I booked a VACATION! I am SO EXCITED ABOUT IT!!!!!! Our first vacation with our one-year old (sweet, precious) baby girl. Now, maybe we are crazy, but if we are, I am in denial about it. Because I think this trip is going to be the best ever. My parents are going and so is my youngest sister, so we have built-in Jane adorers and babysitters. Destin is not your cheapest beach destination, but my parents have offered to pay 90% of the condo bill. So, almost a free trip, 3 babysitters, my favorite beach, no plane rides, and SUN. I couldn't ask for anything better. Just thinking about it makes me get all tingly.

I really hope that Jane can at least tolerate the sand and water. We will be staying directly on the beach (basically) so if she gets too hot we can easily go inside or up to the amazing pool, which has a kiddie section to die for. I love the condo where we are staying. In fact, the picture from the top of my blog is the view from one of their rooms. We've stayed there twice before and really love the place. Beautiful rooms, perfect location, 2 awesome pools, never too many people, crystal clear water, white sand, excellent restaurants, and just the right amount of "touristy" for my blood.

My husband and I in 2005 (I think).

Oh boy, talking about it makes me excited. I can't wait to buy Jane some bathing suits, sand toys, and all of that other beach gear.

Only downfall is that *I* am going to have to get in a bathing suit. I haven't gained any weight, (Surprising, really. You should see what I eat!) but I haven't lost either (Not surprising. Just yesterday I ate an entire box of Girl Scout cookies). I'm trying to cut down on what I eat and now that it's warmer I can go walking more. But I should really kick it into gear if I want to look halfway respectable. Problem is, I have kind of accepted the fact that I will be this big so that isn't much for helping with motivation. No way I could lose 30 pounds by the end of May (in a healthy way) but I could lost at least half of that...maybe... See. I'm not very determined.

If anyone has any pointers or tips on beach traveling with a little one I'd be happy to hear them.

Keeps Getting Better

2010-03-10T11:50:00.001-05:00

I am starting to plan Jane's first birthday party. Wow. Snap your fingers and she's one. ONE! When I was trying to get pregnant and during my pregnancy I would imagine what it was like to be a parent. But I could never see past the infant stage. All I wanted was a baby. I didn't want a kid. But Jane is becoming a little girl and I was so wrong about it all. It is so amazing to watch her get bigger. Every new day in her life is my favorite age. I absolutely adore the little person she has become. She's got a sense of humor now. She is starting to understand things I say. She is starting to WALK. And I know it's just going to keep getting better (until we hit teendom but that is so far away I am not even gonna think about it yet*).

Whenever she hears somebody laughing, which is quite often in our house, she will mimic our laughter. It is hilarious. She doesn't know what she's laughing about and she isn't really into it, but she does it anyway. It's almost like she's being sarcastic. "huh ha hu hu hu. This is what you sound like Mommy. You sound so dumb!" She will even do it if she hears laughter on the TV. She's nuts. When she "talks" she will sometimes do it out of the side of her mouth like she's Popeye. She clicks her tongue and blows raspberries if she gets bored. She can say "hi" and "bye-bye" and has started waving (like all the time, even if it's not necessary). She likes to raise her hands over her head and go "aaaaah, boom!" and throw them down to the floor.

And I can't wait for more. I am really going to enjoy watching her grow up. And I am also going to enjoy being the MOMMY of a little kid and not just a baby.

*I am in denial about the terrible 2's (or 3's). She won't be bad. I can tell. ;-)

I'm a Bad Neighbor, A Petty Person, and Come to Think of It, Nobody's Friend

2010-03-01T10:13:00.002-05:00

We have very nice neighbors. Last Spring and Summer when we are all outside we talked to them a bit, but we aren't overly friendly. I don't know their last name. I know their FIRST names though, which is a big improvement from the way we (DH and I) used to be. That house has had many (OK, three) renters come and go and we never took the time to get to know most of them, although they have all been very nice families. We are quite honestly, bad neighbors. Until now, we were childless and had nothing in common with the people who live not 10 yards away from us. We've been invited over a few times by the neighbors across the street for barbecues, parties, etc. I NEVER WENT. Not once. Now those neighbors have moved away and we are left with an empty house and the fear that insane, crazy people are going to move in. I curse myself for not being friendlier to the prior neighbors. I have a very hard time making friends and putting myself out there. So much so that I can't even stop by their house for a party simply because I am the most socially awkward being alive and afraid of ________. I don't know what I am afraid of. Seriously. I'm really bad. What's maybe even EXTRA embarrassing is that 3-4 of the neighbors on our street seem to be good friends and are always out talking to each other and visiting each other's houses. We just keep our heads down, go inside and shut the door (or we did pre-Jane). Nice. Now, I will give myself a little bit of slack because those friend-neighbors all have children around the same age. Maybe that is how people "bond". ??

So, most of our neighbors are great people.

******
Well, there is one exception. The ~~red-necks~~ ~~people~~ ~~humans~~ ones across the street and over one house. Yeah, don't like them so much. They are the ones who set off fireworks all night long on the 4th of July...or NYE...or just any time it's considered semi-OK to shoot fireworks. They are the ones who have people coming and going all the time. You never know who lives there, who is squatting there and who is just stopping in to buy some drugs (I am 100% positive the dude who knocked up the 16-year old drop-out that lives there is dealing.). They are the ones who have a pit bull who gets lose and literally kills other neighbors' dogs and who lock this dog up in an itty bitty cage outside (mandated by the City after one of the attacks) to bark all night long. Actually, I think after the latest killing, that dog was put to sleep. At least I hope so. May he rest in peace. (smirk) They are also the ones who have cops stopping by probably twice a month. I'm pretty sure the entire neighborhood hates them. Well, I know for a fact the entire neighborhood hates them (since Jane has been born I have ventured out and had a few conversations with our neighbors...just for fun.) One time they put up a "For Sale" sign and we were all so happy, but they never sold. Probably because the house is in a state of disrepair. Boo.
******

ANYWAY.

Now that the house across the street is up for sale I am constantly checking out the cars who stop by to look. Do they look nice? Do they play loud music? Do they have kids? Are they trashy? I am completely judgmental. I am terrified we're going to get awful neighbors. But I vow to be nice to them. I vow to introduce myself to them and bring them "welcome to the neighborhood cookies". I am really going to try to be better about it. Because it would really be nice to have friends, you know.

Speaking of friends, my husband and I have been in this town (my HOMEtown) for nine years and have ZERO good friends here to show for it. My husband is just as bad as I am, if not worse. He has yet to make any friends at all. I at least have made some friends at work (although my closest work friend is moving to Nashville in June). But we don't have any close friends. And I can't tell you why other than I guess we are petty people who don't know HOW. We find major flaws with 99% of the people we have met. We are in a decent sized town, but there just isn't much here. We don't know where the educated people (who don't just want to recruit you to their church) hang out. I took Jane to the park a week ago, hoping to find some "mommy friends" but everyone there was just complete trash. Seriously, they were smoking around their kids and that is one of my MAJOR pet peeves. You don't do that. I had to leave just to get out of the direct line of the second-hand smoke (which I am allergic to, for the record.) There was one family there that looked really nice. I gave the mom some "come hither" smiles and was nice to her, but no numbers were exchanged. I don't know how to "court" when it comes to friendship.

I am baffled by those who have many friends. Maybe I should take the hint. Maybe I don't have friends because *I* am the one who is crappy. If that's the case, it's a shame, because there ain't no changing me now. (For the record, I used ain't to be cute. I don't say ain't. Seriously, that's just improper grammar people.)

I guess my only hope is that we are forced into it by Jane. I hope that as she gets older and into activities we become friends with some of her peers' parents.

Is that the way it works?

Once Upon a Time...

2010-02-21T11:17:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time I really loved cats. As soon as I graduated college the first thing I wanted was an orange kitten. I got one and I loved him so much. Remmy was like my child. I would often call my mom and tell her the cute little things he did just as I do now with Jane. Being the good mother that she is, she would ooh and aah with me. Remmy was my love for four years. But close to his 4 year birthday, Remmy died. It was a sudden illness and we had to put him to sleep. That was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. It trumps even my miscarriage. It was horrible. I loved that cat with every inch of my being. The day we put him to sleep I never stopped sobbing. It brought me to my knees, literally. I stayed up all night reminiscing with my husband about our precious kitty. Soon thereafter, I started volunteering at our local no-kill shelter and I got a new kitten to "replace" Remmy. He did heal my heart and I loved my kitties again.

My beloved Remmy

And then, a few years later, I slowly distanced myself from our three cats. It wasn't even intentional. I didn't want to get burned again so badly, I guess. I got pregnant and had a miscarriage and then all of a sudden our cats didn't matter. In fact, they were a nuissance.

When I got pregnant again and it looked as though that pregnancy was going to stick, I started worrying about our cats. Not about their welfare, but about how we were going to have a baby in a small house with three meddlesome cats. We started locking them in our (large) utility room at nights. Butters meowed all night. He woke us up. I thought we were going to have to get rid of him and worried about that more than I should have.

Well, then comes Jane and now the cats really don't matter. AT ALL. In their defense, they have done surprisingly well with her. We no longer lock them up at nights and generally, they stay out of the way. My fears of them jumping in bed with her were unwarranted. But like I said, I just don't like them anymore. I can't tell you why. I just have no love for them in my heart. We returned my heart-healer kitty to the LIFE House from where he came and he now has a great owner. But we still have our other two giant kitties and I don't want them. They are nothing more than a nuissance in my life. And I don't even feel sorry for them at all. I often wish that they would just die silently at night. This sounds horrible. I sound so heartless, but it's the way things are. Now don't get me wrong, they are not mistreated. They just aren't loved the way you think that pets should be.

It's weird how you can love something (admittedly Remmy was my most loved and dearest pet) so completely and then turn around a few years later and not really care. I guess maybe that's how some marriages dissolve??? You just wake up one day and don't love anymore. Or maybe this is normal when babies are born. The love of your child trumps the love of a pet so completely that it seems that "pet-love" isn't there anymore. That can't be true because I know of tons of people who have children and still completely love their pets. Maybe I am heartless. Or maybe I only have so much love to give.

Whatever it is...does anyone want two giant, needy, annoying cats who used to be my life?

I'm a Bad Parent Completely in Love with My Baby

2010-02-17T13:36:00.001-05:00

I'm a bad mommy. I am. I have been getting frustrated with Jane at night and I've been mean to her. I feel horrible about it. But when she wakes up from 2:30 to 4:00 to play with my hair I become distraught and impatient. I can't take it. I am rough with her and keep trying to get her to lie back down. I say curse words. I yell. She doesn't get that I am being mean to her. That makes it even sadder. Last night in a moment of desperation my well-meaning husband took her in her crib (again) and let her cry for a little while. Futile effort. There is no way in 100 years that she would just say, "OK I am never in my crib, but I can see that Daddy is mad. He must want me to sleep. I will sit down, stop crying and go to sleep in this weird contraption." I came back in there and she was standing at the crib screamcrying. When she saw me she started jumping (literally...I didn't know she could JUMP) and screaming "mamamamamamama". Um...heartbreaking!!! I picked her up and took her back to bed with me. She did go back to sleep after about another 15 minutes. Sometimes she needs to cry in order to get worn out enough to go to back to sleep.

...sigh...

I still toy with the idea of crying-it-out from time to time, despite my utter hatred of that method. I just can't follow through with it. I seriously think I would die of heartbreak before she finally gave in to her screaming sobs and just fell asleep on her own. There has to be a better way. Well, there is. It's co-sleeping, but it obviously isn't working either.

Whatever.

She'll sleep soon enough...(in a year or so??). Usually these horrendous nights are followed by 2-3 good ones that allow me to regroup.

So that is why I am a bad parent. Each day I tell myself I won't get frustrated with her. I will keep my cool. Be patient. Each night I fail miserably. We had a good week (or half-week) there. The good nights somehow erase the bad ones. And the bad ones make you think it's never gonna get better and that you are going to end up in the loony bin first.

In other Jane news, she is the most precious being alive (according to me). She has started saying "bye bye" when somebody leaves out the front door. It is so adorable because she has this tiny itty bitty voice and says, "baa! baa-baa". She's already got the southern accent down, although I have always said to her bie-bie. Must just come natural somehow. I still can't get her to wave bye-bye. Sometimes she gets confused on what I am trying to get her to do and will clap instead. (Adorable!)

She took ONE step the other day but them promptly fell down. I do still think it will be some time before she starts walking. She can cruise like nobody's business and can do this really agile "side walk" when holding on to the couch. She can also stand on her own for a good minute until she realizes that she is standing on her own and will promptly squat down again.

She will give kisses if in the right mood. Her giving kisses consists of sticking her open mouth against your cheek. It is the highlight of my day. And I may be stretching the truth on this one because she hasn't done it consistently yet. But yesterday when I said "give mama kisses" she did it. Sooooo...in my book that is a new skill.

Lastly, we have been playing a game with her in the evenings of "I'm gonna get you" and she loves it. She will start to crawl down the hall and turn around, anticipating me saying "ahmonnagitter" which is baby speak for I'm gonna get her. I crawl a little bit towards her, say it again, and she squeals in delight. Then she will turn around and crawl a little more as if trying to get away, I'll say it again, she squeals and laughs and cackles squirming to get away. To me, I have died and gone to heaven because this is the best thing I've ever witnessed in my life. When I take my showers in the evening her Daddy will play this with her as she crawls to see me in the bathroom. I can hear her cackling the whole way down the hall. It's priceless. They will play that game going back and forth to the bathroom until I get out.

Ah, she is my life. I am actually scheduling a photographer to take some pictures of her some time next month. It will be pricey, but I can't resist. We haven't had any professional pics done EVER. Maybe we can squeeze a family shot in there too. I want them in time for her first birthday party. I just can't decide if I want outdoor shots or indoor shots...decisions, decisions...

I am grateful to have my precious Jane in my life. Despite how hard it can be at times. The day she was born was the first day of my life. My awakening, if you will. And yes, I really do know how cheesy that sounds, but I said it anyway, so there.

You Probably Don't Want to Hear Me Wallow in Self-Pity...but...

2010-02-16T14:19:00.001-05:00

I am hating winter so much right now I could cry. Seriously, I am that close to crying about even MORE SNOW. February sucks so bad I really wish I could punch it in the guts. The thought of spring (green grass, little buds on the trees, my day lilies starting to sprout, walking outside with Jane, smelling that new air) really does make me physically ill. I think I am suffering from S.A.D. I've missed some work because of the weather and if I miss work, I don't get paid. For those who don't know, not getting paid isn't good.

I HATE IT!!!!!!

I'm booking a trip to Destin in late May but even that can't cheer me up. It doesn't help that I am fatter than a rhinocerous and thinking of having to bare my skin in the glorious sun in front of all to see makes me feel weird in my stomach....but not weird enough to actually diet or lose weight, of course. In fact, I don't really care that other people will be seeing me all gross and Fatty McFatfat. What I care about are the pictures. Those don't go away. I somehow picture myself as being totally hot and in shape in my 30's and having Jane see me the way I am now in pictures makes me embarrassed. MY mom was thin when she was my age.

In case you couldn't tell, I am in a super bad mood today. Nothing can cheer me. Not even the fact that Lost comes on tonight. Blah, who cares. Maybe this stems from the fact that I have been up with Jane since 3:30 am just because she decided she wanted to be up (for the record she HAD been sleeping much better the last 3-5 nights). I don't know. But I am in one of those moods where I hate everyone. Seriously, I hate the world. That isn't nice, is it?

But do you ever WANT people to dislike you? Just because you feel so rotten? You feel so annoyed at everything. The fact that someone doesn't like you actually makes you feel somehow vindicated. I don't get PMS (honest!), but this is one of those rare times that I would be up for a fight. You don't like me? SAY IT TO MY FACE. PLEASE!!!! Because I would so like to bitch you out.

Not YOU. (the world)

And then I go and read someone's blog whose pregnancy ended at 16 weeks and I am even madder than I was before. What a rotten deal. And then I go and read someone else's blog who lost a baby (named JANE) several months after she was born. what?! This is horrendous. All it does is make me even angrier at the world. Perhaps on a better day I would be sad, but today I am just LIVID about all the injustice in the world. In case you haven't noticed, there is a lot of it floating around.

And thus ends my bitch-fest. I am not an unhappy person (what? can't you tell?). I just sometimes get mad and it feels soooo good to write it all out. That's why all the good songs are sad or angst ridden. Happy doesn't make for good music (or for much inspiration to blog).

Why I am a Better Parent than You

2010-02-11T16:02:00.000-05:00

Got your attention, didn't I?

*******

Just thought that would be a funny blog title. That is all. You may leave. No need to get outraged. I don't really think I am a better parent than you, and if I did, I wouldn't say it out LOUD. I do think you are a horrible driver though. And your sense of humor could use some tweaking as well.

*******

I was just wondering if there is anyone out there who would EVER admit to any of those things. I am a horrible parent, I can't drive worth a shit, and my sense of humor is quite non-existent.

Those are the three ultimate put-downs, aren't they?

The Most Dismal Month of the Year

2010-02-10T15:58:00.000-05:00

It is Wednesday afternoon and I am caught up at work with not much to do.

The next two days I get to stay at home with Jane. Now, don't get me wrong, I do NOT regret my decision to go part-time at work. However, I will admit that sometimes my days with Jane are just plain boring. We are actually both bored sitting at home all day. Especially since winter started. I basically just wait for her to take her naps anymore. Most weeks we will go shopping to Wal-Mart or Kroger so I don't completely lose my mind. But there are no indoor play areas in my town. There is really just a bunch of nothing to do. So for now we are waiting for Spring so we can go on walks, go to the Zoo, the park, and just get OUT. I keep thinking we'll get out in the snow but 10 month old babies don't exactly "play in the snow". At least mine doesn't. Quite frankly, she hates it and I don't blame her.

My parents are leaving to go on a two week vacation next week. That means we will have no one to watch Jane on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, which means that I am going to have to work the next few Saturdays so I can get paid for the time I am going to miss staying at home with her. Blah. And, ew, it also means I am going to have to make daily visits to my parent's house to check on their dumb cats.

February, you suck!!

Zoloft is Calling...

2010-02-10T11:02:00.000-05:00

My arms are sore. It must be the flu. Maybe it's my vitamin D deficiency coming back with avengeance. Maybe it's arm(s) cancer.

Oh no, wait...I worked out last night. With arm weights. Doing shoulder raises. Could that possibly be the reason?

Seriously people, what is WRONG with me? Why do I always jump to these disastrous conclusions?

Let me just tell ya, it's exhausting being me.

I'm Gonna Age Fast the Next Decade

2010-02-09T14:17:00.003-05:00

Well, I wrote an entire blog entry without mentioning Jane. So now I feel as though I am neglecting her and must update with news of my little bundle of TROUBLE.

She choked on a penny last week. My mom had her.  Jane was playing down by her feet while my mom was filing some papers. Apparently Jane (who is faster than a speeding bullet) found a penny on the same-colored hardwood floors and stuck it in her mouth. My mom thought it looked like she had something in her mouth so she fished around in there and couldn't find anything. Seconds later she was choking. FULL ON CHOKING. 100% blocked airway. She did the Heimlich Maneuver on her and out shot the penny probably 2 feet. Jane was fine.

I can't get over this. I wasn't there. I only heard the story. My mom was so shook up by it. She said it took her an entire day for her face to stop being red (not Jane's face but my mother's). We shudder at the thought of it. My mom is always quite calm and collected but this...THIS really unnerved her.  Jane could have died. Last Saturday night I could have been preparing for her funeral instead of snuggling with her in bed. It's just...I don't know. It makes me want to make some sort of offering to the gods. I want to sacrifice a goat or something. It's just unfathomable that in a split second I could have lost my daughter. Forever.

I'm having a little trouble getting over it, obviously. I know most people have these crazy stories. I just...I don't know. Seriously, she could have DIED.

I'm trying to be grateful she is alive (which I am, of course!). I just keep going back to it in my mind.

If you think I was over-protective before, you should see me now.   Now Jane eats wet cheerios. I soak them in water before I give them to her. They are too crunchy. She could choke. She can eat dry cheerios when she's 12. A nice lady on one of the message boards I follow mentioned something about her being "attached to my hip" which angered me greatly (oh no you didn't!). But now I am thinking that maybe that is a good idea. Maybe I can have her permanently sewn to my hip. That would avoid any future penny episodes...wouldn't it?

I know, I know...you can't protect them forever. Blah, blah, blah. Watch me try.

And I keep thinking that I won't be over-protective in the way that makes her want to rebel against me when she is 13 and start smoking pot in the middle school bathrooms while skipping class (wait...are you still in middle school when you are 13?). I am hoping that if Jane wants to rebel against me she will refuse to read Harry Potter and become Baptist or something. Ya think?

Because right now, I am just concentrating on getting her to 13 alive.

I guess it's just going to take me some time to get over this.

So here is my little penny-eater sitting on the same-colored hardwood floors. She's gonna kill me, I swear.

10 months old, 8 teeth, 18 pounds and full of life

A Possum Owes Me $50 or Now My Patio Furniture is Ugly

2010-02-01T20:39:00.001-05:00

This afternoon I came home to a hideous discovery. THIS is what has become of my once lovely patio furniture. That is not snow you see on top of the cushion, but the cushion's guts:

Oh the humanity!

Now maybe I shouldn't leave the cushions on my patio furniture all winter long, but seeing as I have nowhere to store them, outside they shall stay. I'm pretty sure it was a possum. We caught one (live trap, released to the wild, thankyouverymuch PETA) over the summer and I'm willing to bet my neighborhood possum community is pretty pissed off about it.

Well, I don't care. A possum owes me $50 and that is being conservative. If you see this guy, let him know I'm looking for him.

Dear GAWD, that thing is hideous. I'm not gonna lie. I screamed when I saw this picture.

That being said, perhaps it was a raccoon. They are dodgy little fellas aren't they? All masked up, always looking for trouble.

Nah, too cute.

Or perhaps it was an angry squirrel.

If you think I'm just having a good time uploading animal pictures at this point, you are quite correct.

Perhaps I will never know. But I do want my money. Or at the very least, a replacement cushion. It doesn't have to be brand new.

*******
(So does anyone know if you are even allowed to take random pictures off the internet and post them to your blog? I am pretty sure no one reads my blog in the first place, so I am willing to bet it doesn't matter, or if it does, no one will ever know. )

I Hate Your Guts, Do You Want to Have Sex?

2010-02-01T11:52:00.000-05:00

Last night was great. Jane did excellent. In fact, she did so well that I woke up at 3 am and was so excited by the fact that she fell straight back to sleep after nursing that I couldn't get back to sleep until 5 am. All is well. These sleep phases will come and go. The Attachment Parenting board on ivillage has kept me sane. Sometimes all you need to hear is, "Been there, done that. This too shall pass. Your child is normal. You are doing a GREAT job. Stop second guessing yourself."

In other news...(I lied. There is no other news. That is just my way to moving on to a different subject.)

Never in my life have my husband and I argued like we do now. It is kind of funny. Neither of us holds grudges or else we'd be looking for a divorce attorney right now. In the throes of sleep deprivation you say things. You definitely mean them, but you forget quickly. I have called my husband a complete jerk and an asshole and basically said I hate you many times in the last few months. Heh heh heh. Yeah, it's true at the time. Yes, I MEAN it when I say it. Now I get how children cause arguments. Hellacious ones. You argue over stupid things because neither of you know what you are doing or know how to fix the situation. Who else do you get to tell that you hate their guts to and that they are a horrible parent only to "forget" about it 10 minutes later? It's true.

Now I am sure there are people out there who find this deplorable. How could I have a healthy relationship when I am telling my husband that I hate his guts at 3am? Well, I do and we do. We have one of the healthier relationships I've ever seen. We talk. We fight. We laugh about it. We forget. It's nice, really. I have never been one to put my relationship on a pedestal. I know others who refer to their marriage as an "entity". No I can't go out this weekend, I need to work on my "marriage". Those people are mostly divorced now. They take themselves so seriously that they forget to LET THINGS GO.

If there is one thing I like about myself and my husband it is the whole "not holding grudges" thing. Now if he went out on the town one night, got totally plastered and had sex with a random woman I would say it is OK to hold a grudge (at least for a day or two). But the basic, everyday stuff I can and do let go.

Sometimes when he says to me (and he totally means it and I am totally quoting him here), "you are the most horrible person I have ever met," we both just break out into laughter. It's completely hilarious because we both know that he means it and that he still doesn't care. Now that, my friends, must be love. Or something like it.

Insomnia is a BITCH

2010-01-27T09:56:00.000-05:00

I'm posting blog entries left and right these days. It's because my brain is on over-drive. I don't know how to shift into neutral. (cool analogy, huh? I thought you would like that. I'm soooo savvy.)
Now I can no longer complain about Jane and her poor sleep habits. I know exactly where she gets it from.

Pointing finger at ----->ME

(Oh who am I kidding, I will still complain about it. It's what I do.)

It happens a lot. I will lie in bed and just NOT sleep. I don't think of anything in particular (health issues, blog entries, grocery lists, why are my hands itchy, it's too hot, I think I need to pee, my shoulder hurts, hey I am not sleeping, if I fall asleep now I can still get 6 hours, seriously, WHY are my hands itching.....). My brain won't shut up! Last night I laid in bed from 11-2 before I gave up looking at the clock. I assume that's because I fell asleep shortly thereafter. I hope that's why. Sometimes I don't even know IF I slept the night before.

If I wasn't sleeping with my little one and if I wasn't still nursing her and if I wasn't scared she would need me in the middle of the night, I would be popping Xanax like nobody's business. I'm a bundle of neurotic nerves. I've been pushed into overdrive by a week of poor sleep (thank you Jane) and I guess I am so worked up into a zombified frenzy that my brain won't shut down at night anymore.

Tonight I am going to bed when Jane does. I'm now allowed to get out of the bed and check Facebook. No status updates. No TV. No reading. (No working out.) I am punishing myself. I "sleep" when she sleeps. Take THAT insomnia!

10 Reasons Why Co-Sleeping is Swell

2010-01-26T21:37:00.001-05:00

In the event of fire, grab Jane and run.
Good excuse not to have sex. I can't. We'll squish Jane and kill her!
Lower heating bills. That girl is a little furnace!
I get in my snuggle time. She can't push me away when she's asleep. Ha ha!!!
Night nursing. It's gonna happen. Might as well not get up for it.
I can indulge in my obsessiveness and check a million times if she's still breathing. (She always is.)
I'd rather be woken up by Jane poking me in the eyes and smiling at me than by an alarm clock any old day.
I can keep my sanity instead of torturing myself listening to her cry all night.
There has to be some great endorphins released into my body just by being near her. I can feel the goodness of her all night. Surely I am offering some of that back to her.
She's really cute. And she smells good.

Let Me Get All Philosophical-ish

2010-01-26T10:56:00.000-05:00

Jane did good last night. She slept from 7:40 to 1-ish. I nursed her (because I am so not gonna try night weaning right now), she fell back to sleep until 3-ish. I nursed her again and she did squirm and TRY to wake up but never really did until around 7am. Kind of sucky to constantly be trying to keep her asleep from 3 am til she woke up though. Funny thing was that I had insomnia last night despite (or because of) my exhaustion. I laid in bed 2-3 hours before I fell asleep. That always happens.

And again, I have to clarify that I am not anti-CIO. Well, some days I am, when I am feeling "holier than thou" and pissed off that MY baby is so hard. It's easier to be judgmental on those days. But mostly, I know that you do what you have to do. One thing I have learned upon becoming a parent, is that you hold all judgment on your fellow parents because you just don't know what their situation is. You don't know what their baby is like. You just don't know.

Speaking of parents and their differences.... I came across someone's blog the other day (don't know her...she's not even on one of my message boards) and she was giving out pointers for baby gear to "newbie parents". So funny because the things she said you should not bother buying were the opposite from my view. The things she said you can't live without, I could certainly live without. I think it's so interesting and great how we all differ. That is why I should just live and let live and stop worrying about other people so much. We are all so different. Just because one person says that their child liked this or did that does not mean mine will. I keep hanging on everyone's "advice" like it is universal fact. I don't know why I don't have faith in my own instincts.

"Faith" is definitely something I don't have. Don't have it when it comes to religion (and not looking for it, thank you). Don't have it when it comes to my body (hence the hypochondria). And I certainly don't have it when it comes to my choices as a parent. Don't know how you obtain this "faith" either. And, quite honestly, I am not sure if I want it. To blindly assume things will be OK is not in my personality type. It seems almost illogical (no, I am not a Vulcan). I think, with age and further experience (I'm only 30 for crying out loud) I will get better. Maybe that is what parenthood is here to teach me: to trust blindly in myself

Hi, I'm Jealous

2010-01-25T11:58:00.003-05:00

Before I had Jane I knew one of the biggest adjustments I would have to make upon entering parenthood was the loss of sleep. I had a hunch I would get one of those babies who wasn't "good" and didn't ever sleep through the night. Perhaps this was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Meet Jane.

Isn't she precious? She is my LIFE. I adore her. However, Jane does not like to sleep. Her mother prizes sleep as one of her most precious pasttimes. PASTtime sure is spot-on.

Sigh....

We took Jane to her nine-month well check and everything was great. She's healthy as can be. Never been sick a day in her life. Growing according to plan. So, I should not have mentioned the fact that Jane is an awful sleeper because that meant the doctor had to ask WHERE she slept. Um...with me, I timidly respond, knowing his response would not be what I wanted to hear. Of course he says she NEEDS to sleep alone and even WANTS to sleep alone, uninterrupted for 12 hours in a row (ha ha ha, 12 hours in a row, good one). He then proceeds to tell me that it won't hurt her to cry-it-out alone in her crib. That it is OK for her to cry for 2 hours and to throw up during the meltdown. It won't permanently damage her. It's better to do it now than later, when she is older. He says when she is older it will be worse.* (*I call bullshit, but whatever...)

I took it with a grain of salt. But after a day or so, I got to thinking that maybe we'd try the crib again. She's been going through another rough phase (as if the one before had ended) and several times when I do get into bed with her at night it seems to wake her up and she gets excited when she realizes I am there and wants to stay up. So I thought that maybe it really would be best for her (and me) to sleep in separate beds.

I know I don't know what I am doing with the cry-it-out technique and I don't plan on becoming a pro at it. But Day 1 proceeds with me trying to put her in her crib once she's asleep just for her to get used to sleeping there. Well, I quickly found out that wasn't going to happen. She somehow senses that I am dropping her in the crib and wakes up crying immediately, even when I thought she was asleep. I tried to get her in that crib 5 times and the last time I just left her to cry. I knew she was sleepy because she was SLEEPING just seconds before. So I thought, hey I am just going to let her cry. I left her in there for 30 minutes. She screamed and cried the entire time before I gave up. I felt awful. It's a sickening feeling deep in my soul, twisting my stomach in knots. I felt like I was abusing her...I don't CARE that the doctor says it won't hurt her in the long-run because, to me, I am feeling quite the opposite. If my "mommy instincts" are screaming at me so loud when this happens, I'm going to blindly assume what I am doing is wrong. When I went in to go pick her up she was so relieved. She had chewed the crib and pieces of wood were all over her face (despite our recently purchased bite guards...you can't cover the entire crib in plastic). The poor child. What kind of horrible parent am I?

So there is the end of my cry-it-out attempt at 9 months. I won't do it. I can't do it. I don't even care if you told me that in 1 week she would be sleeping great. The cost of that great sleep is too much for me. It is too much for Jane. I refuse.

Now I am left with co-sleeping. I do like it. And I do hate it. Lately she will go to bed around 8. She's up again at 10 when I come to bed and often won't fall back to sleep for up to an hour and a half. Then we sleep for a few hours and she's up again. Last night she slept til 3 which is quite good for her. But then I couldn't get her back to sleep until 4:30. She was up for the day at 7am.  I don't know how she does it. She acts as though she's the happiest child in the world during the day. Doesn't seem to be suffering from any ill effects if you ask me. She's crawling, babbling, cruising and doing all of the things babies her age should be. Shame on that doctor for making me think I am doing her a disservice by sleeping with her.  If only he knew the damage he did to my parenting ego.

And the title of my blog entry comes into play now when I say that I am INSANELY JEALOUS of people who have babies who sleep well. I have many friends on Facebook who have children the same age as I and their status updates at 8 and 9pm drive me nuts. People actually get to DO things at night when their child sleeps. I don't. I am trapped in my house from 7pm to 7am. I am a prisoner. I can't leave because when Jane wakes up (she often wakes several times in the first few hours) she will only accept me to get her back to sleep.  She screams bloody murder if my husband tries to go in and soothe her. I can't go on a walk. I can't go out for a late dinner with a friend. I can't clean the house (too noisy). I am stuck.

So, I am jealous. I am sleep-deprived. I am wondering if the reason Jane sleeps so poorly is my fault. I am feeling inadequate as a parent. I am just fed up. And I hate second guessing my instinct. I hate second guessing my parenting style. I hate that other people do have children who sleep. Yes, misery really does love company.

And what I really hate more than anything is the judgment. So save it. (not you, the reader, specifically...just the "world"). Yes, yes, I know this is what I get since I refuse to CIO. Yes, yes, I know that within a few nights she would be much better. Sure.

P.S. I don't want any CIO advice. I don't want any "modified" CIO advice. I don't even want any sleep "advice" at all. (Because I have heard it all.) I just want to VENT.

Disclaimer: If someone happens to come by this blog and assumes I am judging them for letting THEIR baby CIO, think again. More power to ya! I am not judging the whole CIO method or anyone who uses it. I am just saying it is not right for ME. If it's right for you, write about it in your own blog.

Gosh, I sound mean. It's the sleep deprivation talking.

Haiti Relief Fund

2010-01-19T08:40:00.000-05:00

Please donate. The stories coming out of Haiti are breaking my heart. I was caught off guard by a story on the Today Show this morning and have been weeping ever since. They showed a little Haitian girl who had lost her mother. Every time she saw a woman she would cry and reach out to them out of confusion and loss. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg and that there are so many more stories like this. I can't bear to watch the coverage anymore. It's devastating.

I know we all feel so helpless but you can donate your money. Nearly everyone in America has $10 to spare. Imagine if your child were left alone to fend for themselves in a country as poor as Haiti. Many people have not had food or clean water to drink since the earthquake first hit. Donate NOW!

American Red Cross

MLK Day and can't think of a better title than that

2010-01-18T15:55:00.000-05:00

So, I am working on MLK Day. No one else is in the office. It's kind of nice. I have an hour to go and I have already completed everything I can do today. So I guess it's on to writing a new blog.

Hm, a second ago I had a topic but now I forgot. Foggy brain.

Today was week 4 of my mass dose of Vitamin D. I hope it's helping. I really can't tell if it is or not. I guess maybe I do feel better. My muscles aren't hurting and spasm-ing at night anymore. I do still have the crazy hip pain but the chiropractor is a miracle worker and I swear I am almost convinced that he has cured me. Or that I am well on my way to being "cured"...again. There were a few months in late summer where I was completely pain free. It was after I had seen this chiropractor and also coincided with the months that I got the most sunlight so I really don't know if it was due to the chiropractor or getting more Vitamin D. I guess I won't know this time either.

Yesterday my mother-in-law was supposed to come visit us and stay a week or so. She is a classic agoraphobic. Bailed on us. AGAIN. I am pretty angry. My husband traveled all the way to Nashville and had planned on picking her up the next day on his way back. He was sure she was coming or else he wouldn't have made this trip down there. She sent him a text message in the morning saying she couldn't come. Classic MIL behavior. She is such a flake. You can't count on her for anything. It's infuriating. She has done this to us countless times. And her reasons are always lies. Obvious lies. What bothers me is that it just broke my husband's heart. She hasn't seen Jane since she was born (unless you count the 10 minutes she saw her around Christmas). My husband wants to share Jane with his mom. He wants her to see our sweet baby girl. But she just keeps postponing her visit to see us. Oh well. It really is her loss. Jane will not know her paternal grandmother. I certainly won't be talking about her much and Jane won't see her ever, apparently. It's just sad that my husband doesn't get to share his joy at having Jane in our life with his own mother. She has disappointed him pretty much his whole life. Don't know why it would change now....

Tomorrow I am getting my Mirena IUD removed and I couldn't be happier. I had that damn thing put in on 9/28/09 and I haven't stopped bleeding since. Not just spotting here or there. I am talking full blown Day 2 of Your Period Bleeding. I am so through with it. It is no wonder that it is a good birth control method. If you are bleeding heavily for months you don't feel up to having sex very often. No sex = no babies. Now my future birth control method will be condoms, a little bit of NFP and luck. If I get pregnant again it won't be a disaster. I am just sick of taking pills or putting foreign objects in my body for birth control. I want to be as nature intended for a while. See how my body likes that. Hell, I may actually start feeling better if I stop bleeding out continuously.

OK. It's 4:00. I am supposed to stay another 30 minutes but I can't take it anymore. It's creepy being in this building all alone. I am out of here.

I Don't Feel Good

2010-01-13T16:25:00.000-05:00

The title of this blog entry reminds me of second grade. My mom stuck a note in my lunch box. I don't remember exactly what it said, but I am sure it was something like "have a good day, Love, Mommy". I remember writing on the back of that note, "I don't feel good". I guess that was my 1987 version of instant messaging and I thought she would somehow intuitively and immediately know what I had written her back. I still have that little note in my keepsakes box.

I don't feel good seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I've always had such bad anxiety and I bet it's to blame for a lot of my "I don't feel good" days.

But, I feel rotten once again. I guess some of it is to blame on that Vitamin D deficiency. And then I found out I was also deficient in Vitamin B-12, although not as severely as the D, so that can't help either. I'm sure I am probably deficient in all minerals and vitamins and I really don't understand WHY. I know it seems unlikely, but I do eat a varied diet full of whole grains, fruits, veggies, dairy, meat, etc. I don't get it.

Today I can barely walk. My hips and lower back feel like they belong to an 85-year old woman. I feel shaky and sometimes think when I stand up I am just going to fall right back down.

I am DETERMINED not to go crazy about this. I have had (irrational) scares in the past and know that if I really wanted to I could get totally freaked out about Multiple Sclerosis. But I will NOT go there. I'm going to the chiropractor instead and just assuming that I am a bit out of whack and that is why my muscles around my hips and back ache. I will assume that I am shaky because I only got 3 hours of sleep last night (thanks Jane). I absolutely refuse to Google my symptoms.

That is a big victory, trust me.

I Take That Back aka My Stance on Motherhood

2010-01-12T09:13:00.005-05:00

In a prior blog entry of mine I wrote the following:

Am I gonna be one of those annoying soccer moms? Is my personality going to change when my child is born? I sure hope not. Because to me, there is nothing more annoying than those mothers who think that they are something special simply because they've given birth. They think their children are somehow special and better than the rest, when really they are just like every other little brat on the face of the planet. Uh oh...I am not sure that I really like kids. Or their self-righteous parents. Surely I will love my child, but I sure hope I don't forget to talk about other issues I am passionate about. I hope I will still have opinions on things other than the Disney Channel and the local school system.

And just the other day I said to my mom as we were taking Jane on a little trip to the grocery store:

Mothers with children who can't walk yet should be allowed to park in the handicapped spots. (In my defense it was super snowy and slippery in that parking lot.)

HA HA HA HA HA. Yeah, I've changed. Yes, I'm special because I had a baby. Yes, Jane is "better than the rest". And now I even see other people's children and feel affection for them. I feel love for all children and I even said that aloud the other day as my eyes teared up (what???).

Now I will insert an excerpt from The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, which my mother sent to me and really resonated with me simply because, OMG it's so true:

“Motherhood changes you forever,” my mother warned me. She was right. Long after my pregnancy, I’m still living and breathing for two – glued to my child, body and soul, by an attachment stronger than I ever thought possible. Motherhood changes you because it literally alters a woman’s brain – structurally, functionally, and in many ways, irreversibly.

I'm a Vampire

2010-01-06T13:27:00.002-05:00

So I haven't been feeling the best lately. In fact, since Jane was born my body seems to be slowly falling apart. I went to the doctor recently and they did some bloodwork. Apparently my vitamin D levels are that of a 98 year-old Muslim woman who covers her body in fabric from head-to-toe and never leaves the house to venture in the sun. 5.7. That is my Vitamin D level. Low normal is 32. My doctor said it was the lowest he's ever seen; that he's seen some numbers in the teens but never FIVE POINT SEVEN (*I am aware I probably misused the semicolon in prior sentence...I never can tell when it's called for). Nice. This explains why I can hardly walk. It explains why my muscles ache and my bones and tendons creak. It explains why my blood pressure has been going up and my legs cramp up every night ALL night. It explains why I feel so completely drained and why I have been getting weird tension headaches nightly for the past 8ish months and why I can't remember to close my car door upon leaving the vehicle.

At least I know. Now my hypochondria and Dr. Google has left me petrified that I am going to die of cancer, MS, and osteoporosis and that I have done irreparable damage to myself and will never fully recuperate. Supposedly I can correct this deficiency with massive doses of Vitamin D. I hope this is true. It may take me all year to get back to "low normal" though. Don't get me wrong. I'm looking forward to being in pain all winter long. Most definitely.

And let me say this: I think this is a failure on the part of my ob-gyn. Pregnancy depletes you of vitamins and minerals. It takes a lot to grow another person. Breastfeeding depletes you even more. Now WHY didn't someone tell me I should be taking waaaaaay more Vitamin D than my silly pre-natal vitamin has in it?! WHY didn't anyone think to check my levels until now? I've been in misery all year long. I've been to the chiropractor many times thinking that the cause of this pain was because my right leg is shorter than my left. Gee, thanks a lot medical community! Once again, you've outdone yourself.

***EDITED TO ADD: Although, yes, I am a vampire, I do not know Edward Cullen or any members of the Cullen family. Sorry.

Fa La La La La

2009-12-16T09:27:00.000-05:00

Dumb title. Especially since I have no idea what I am going to write about today.

I lied. I'm pretty sure I know what I'll write about.

JANE:

She is CRAWLING! I am quite surprised. I did not think she was going to crawl since she has adamantly refused any and all tummy time since birth. Note to self: don't freak out if any future babies don't like tummy time. The doctors will act as though they will never be able to function properly without tummy time. This is a lie. They will be just fine. Anyway, she's mobile and it's adorable. She will crawl with her mouth open in a giant smile as though she's doing the neatest thing anyone has ever imagined. And it is.

And on Monday, she started babbling. Just overnight she decided she would start talking. This was also something I was worried about. Those stupid baby milestone books had me believing that she should be talking all the time and she just wasn't. But now she babbles up a storm, mababamamawawa. It's also the cutest thing ever to hear your baby's little voice "talking". Aaah, pure sweetness.

I'm stoked about these two little milestones that she's hit, but also a bit taken aback. I did not have time to digest the crawling before she started babbling. And she's already trying to stand. I am not prepared for how fast they grow the first year. My baby will not be a baby much longer and she was just born! I am enjoying each moment like they say, but that isn't helping to slow down time like I hoped. :(

Jane's sleep is still horrendous. The last 3 nights have been particularly rough. She just wakes up around 2 and won't go back to sleep for sometimes up to 3 hours. It is HELL for me. I am thinking it is because she is learning so many new things now. She will wake up and babble or try to sit. She just wants to be awake all the time. It's actually quite sweet...she's so happy and she wants to practice all of her new things. I am somehow making it (despite insomnia as well, which is just adding insult to injury). I can't believe I am only functioning on roughly 5 hours of sleep a night, EVERY night (often less). I will say that my memory is shot. Both short-term and long-term. I hope I get it back one day. Until then I will just have to keep writing every thing down.

I don't believe in babies that sleep through the night. I refuse to believe they exist. If somebody tells me their baby is a good sleeper, I assume they are lying. Or, even worse, I assume they left their baby to cry-it-out so said baby is now defeated and hopeless and has given up on life and their parents. Whether it is true or not, that is what keeps me from punching these parents in the face. :-P If your baby sleeps or slept through the night, please don't tell me.

We are going to visit the in-laws this weekend for Christmas. I am not looking forward to it, to put it mildly. I will not go into it further for consideration of my husband's feelings. :-/ But if I survive this weekend, it will be a Christmas miracle. heh

Tomorrow I am getting my hair chopped off. I'm sick of the long hair. It's a mess and Jane is always pulling it. I hope it looks decent. I've had it short before but I was much thinner then. My face is a lot puffier (fatter) now so I don't think it can possibly look as good as it did before. Short hair will probably make me look fatter. Maybe it will motivate me to lose weight. Maybe.

Speaking of being fat, I am seriously considering the purchase of a treadmill even though we absolutely cannot afford it and don't have the room for it. Suze Orman would DENY me this purchase in a millisecond. But there is absolutely no other way for me to get any exercise in the winter. The only time I have is after Jane goes to bed at night and I can't leave the house because she wakes up so often and only wants MOMMY (that's me) to get back to sleep. So, theoretically I could get on the treadmill and then run in to her hot and sweaty when she wakes up and just go back and forth. Otherwise, I am getting negative exercise in my life. My hips are proof.

That is all for now. I am caught up at work so I am betting I will write another blog entry later today, especially if I keep drinking the coffee. Coffee makes me chatty.

Born in the USA

2009-12-10T20:51:00.001-05:00

So I am lying in bed and not sleeping for some strange reason and I couldn't help but think about how lucky I am to live where I do. It's something I take for granted a lot. It doesn't occur to me often, but when it does I feel a little guilty about my good fortune in life. I was listening to NPR the other day and was disturbed by the news of 4 car bombs going off in Iraq killing over a hundred people. Normally I would hear this and just go on with my day. Yea, yea car bomb in Iraq. What else is new? But this time it really bothered me. What if this happened in my town? Wow, that would be something else... Over a hundred people DIED just like that.

So I don't really want to talk about how horrible the world is, because that is really beyond this blog, but I do want to focus on how lucky I am today.

I never worry about my safety. I wake up in the morning fully expecting to make it through the day unscathed. Fears of car bombs, terrorist attacks, or any other casualty of war does not cross my mind. Can you imagine living in constant fear for your life?

I have clean water to drink every day. I can take a HOT shower any time of day or night. I can go to the grocery store right now and buy enormous amounts of food if I wish. I can say I am an atheist and not be afraid of being stoned to death. I can wear shorts in public (although I haven't in a while...probably has to do with the enormous amounts of food mentioned above). I have the right to vote, to drive, to get a job. Not every woman in the world has these opportunities and I am fully aware of that.

And thinking about these things with Jane in mind makes me even more grateful. I can't imagine how mothers feel who cannot be sure their child will have clean water to drink or food to eat the next day or medicine to make them well, etc. It makes me sick to my stomach to really think about.

So while I will whine and complain about little petty things, I always know that I am extraordinarily lucky that I even have the opportunity to whine and complain about these little petty things.

A Numbered List of General Stuff

2009-12-09T16:25:00.000-05:00

So since I am so damn good at my job, I am all caught up and have some time to waste.

Let's see...what can I write about???

How about some random comments that maybe only my mother would find interesting:

1. When I was TTC I found these message boards on Ivillage.com. I have been a member of several boards since then and I cannot say enough good things about them. Currently I am a frequent poster on an April 2009 playgroup. It is a place where many women come to post questions, vent, share photos, etc. of their babies all born in April of 2009. Without these women (whom I do not know), I would be lost. I do not have many friends with little babies. Well, none actually. The support I get from this board is absolutely wonderful. As anyone who knows me understands: I worry. A lot. And being able to ask questions about pregnancy, motherhood, what is normal, etc. has really saved my sanity. I love my virtual friends on this message board.

2. Jane is sort of crawling. Two honorary uncles came to visit us over the weekend and she really showed off for them. She took her first little crawl steps and has since started to try it out more. She can only go like one or two "steps" and then will stretch out on her tummy, roll over and then sit up only to do it again. This is monumental stuff here. Soon we are going to have to babyproof the house, which I have been delaying and dreading since before conception.

3. Jane's laughter lights up my life. http://www.youtube.com/Skinnerfamilyvideos#p/a/u/0/_wHCpVDWVsI

4. This weekend is going to be my ONLY weekend to do my Christmas shopping. I have no idea what I am buying for anyone, although most people are getting a framed photo of Jane because I know that is what everyone is dying to have. ;-)

5. Wonder how many times I can fit the name Jane into a blog entry....
janejanejanejanejanejanejanejanejanejane. Wow. A lot!

6. I have never in my life been so content. It's almost unnerving.

7. I guess since I am so content I should be able to get myself together enough to start trying to lose some weight. It's all cold outside and dark early and so my activity level has decreased dramatically in the last month or so. My greatest obstacle is getting enough sleep so I can function well enough to make the smart decisions. (And while I have received some comments about baby sleep training books and do appreciate the sentiment, we are just fine. As I have stated before, no form of CIO will be practiced in my household even if it is guaranteed to work. And, yes, I still reserve the right to complain about not sleeping.)

8. I am making all of Jane's baby food (or most of it) and I am finding it very rewarding and quite easy to do. I never thought I would do something like this, but a lot of the girls on my message board were doing it so I thought I'd give it a shot. It's fun and I feel like I am cooking for my baby. She loves her mommy's cooking (so far).

9. I would like to thank Karmapearl for inspiring me to jazz up my blog a bit. Hope you like my new background. I also tried adding a video link to the right side but these random YouTube videos kept showing up even though I set it to MY channel. So that has been nixed for now. I used to be fairly OK at stuff like this but I am finding that I become less technologically advanced as each day passes. What I want to know is how anyone understands HTML. And what is it? And is that something you just "pick up" these days or do you have to take a class? Aw screw it...I don't care.

Well, it's close to quitting time. Hooray I get to spend the next four days with JANE! :-P

It's DECEMBER!

2009-12-09T10:16:00.007-05:00

Thanks everybody for the nice comments on my last blog entry. I sort of feel like it seems I was fishing for compliments but that is not the case. I hate complaining about myself that way and then people say, "no you are beautiful and wonderful" blah blah. It makes me feel uneasy. My intent was not for people to say those things. Just makes me feel better to get my true feelings out on paper. I am doing a bit better. Not walking around with that "bad" feeling all the time anymore.

I will say that I am carrying around about 20-30 extra pounds that are just killing me and I can't get motivated enough to lose them. I know what I have to do to lose the weight and it's simply too hard for me right now. If I lost that weight, I would really feel a lot better. I don't know what's going to have to change in order for me to get motivated, but I wish it would happen already. (she says as she opens a bag of Combos...sigh)

For the first time in a long time, I am excited about Christmas. Yes, this is 100% related to Jane. I know that for her first Christmas she will have no idea what is going on. She isn't even interested in the fact that we brought a once living tree into our house, put weird lights on it and little "toys" on it too. But just the thought of her very soon getting excited and creating these new memories is really amazing. I look back upon my childhood with fondness and I really want Jane to as well. I am hoping she will. She seems pretty happy right now. Let's just hope she doesn't have the genetics for depression and anxiety like her poor Mommy. ;)

Inadequate.

2009-11-16T15:26:00.003-05:00

I don't know if this is my "depression" showing her ugly face, but I am feeling kind of inadequate lately. Maybe it's lack of sleep. I know that can trigger depression.

But those thoughts that I used to get into my head are coming back and it always stems from comparing myself to someone "better than me".

In comparison to the best:
I am fat
I am unattractive
I am poor
I am a bad mother
I am not spectacular in any shape or form

These are those negative thoughts that come into my head and have been since I was in the 4th grade. I really hope they go away soon because I would like to stop feeling sorry for myself, especially considering how happy I am in my life. I am so happy and yet these thoughts continue to plague me.

Sigh...I really hope I can get a few nights of sleep this week. I would enjoy feeling put together again.

In today's news about ME...

2009-11-16T14:52:00.004-05:00

I got 4 hours of sleep last night. If it's not Jane it's the cats (and I am ready to strangle them both to death with my bare hands). If it's not that, it's me. My insomnia has started up again and I can't do anything about it. No drugs are allowed since I am still breastfeeding AND co-sleeping. During the day I am SOOOO tired but at night for some reason I just can't sleep. It is infuriating.

I can't figure it out either. I am probably one of the happiest people on the planet. It's not like I am going to bed and worrying like I used to do. I am content. I am next to Jane. Maybe it's just the anticipation of her waking up, which she still does several times a night, sometimes for up to two hours. Last night (or this morning) it was at 4 am. I finally got her back to sleep by singing to her, but then in walks Butters and meows his loudest meow twice in a row, thus waking her up. I got up, shut our door and got her back to sleep again after another 30 minutes. Then that damn cat pawed on the door, which doesn't latch closed all the way, and woke us up AGAIN when the door clicked open. If he was within my reach I swear I really would have strangled him. To death.

Anyway, I guess I can count on sleeping when I am dead. Or when Jane is 13.....

I am really loving my 3-day work week. I am at work BORED TO TEARS right now, so obviously things are going well. I work my butt off when I am here and boy is it amazing how efficient I can be when I put my mind to it. I am seriously asking for a raise at the first opportunity....I figure they can afford it since I am saving them roughly $25,000 a year by going part-time and still doing the SAME job (which used to be 2 jobs until I said I could do them both). And, yes, I am bragging. ;)

Overall things are going very well. I love my little life.

As for bad news, I broke my camera by dropping it in to the bathtub. Jane was taking her first "big girl" bath and I got too crazy with the picture taking and she slipped and fell on her back, covering half of her face with water. I dropped the camera in the water to pick her up. At least I know I would save Jane before my camera. ;) She was fine, by the way.

I also lost my wedding ring. I never really cared much about any dumb ring and quite frankly I find girls who brag about their rings quite nauseating. But I guess I would like something halfway decent (I just don't want to pay for it). Right now I have on a $12 band from JC Penney. Silver. DH lost his ring years ago.....

I guess that is all for "news".

Who am I?

2009-11-10T09:02:00.005-05:00

I'm becoming a bit of an idiot. Pregnancy killed a lot of my brain cells. Sleep deprivation and adoring my daughter have killed off a lot more. I am not clever anymore (despite what you may believe, I used to think I was at least a little bit clever). I cannot gets words on to paper and get them to sound the way I want them to. I can't write what my brain is thinking because my brain is thinking, "duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" most of the time. I am a bit of a moron these days.

I don't really have a personal identity anymore. I am Jane's mommy and quite frankly I like it that way. I think my entire personality is in the process of changing. My likes and dislikes, my views of the world: all in a state of flux.

It's just weird what becoming a parent has done to me. I am not a very good friend anymore. I wasn't ever anyone's "best friend" but I could at least coherently carry on a conversation that wasn't about Jane. Now, not so much.

I used to look at children and truly be disgusted by them. I actively disliked them and I thought even less of their annoying parents. Now when I see a kid crying I think, "aw....they must be so tired, poor baby". WTH?! What has happened to me? I am now the most annoying parent on the planet. Three years ago me would have wanted to slap now me in the face.

Now I could say that I don't like the "new me", but that is wrong. I don't really care about the "new me". All I care about is Jane. This does sound unhealthy and I know I won't always be this way (will I?), but when you are nursing a baby you have this physiological connection to them. It's chemical I tell you. I can't really explain it, but even when I am wishing for some personal time alone and away from Jane I know in my heart that my body cannot take being away from her for any extended period of time.

Case in point: my husband and I's (is I's proper grammar?? no, probably not) best friend got married over the weekend. I love this guy. I want nothing more than to be at his wedding and enjoy myself and wish him and his bride the best. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave Jane behind for fear of messing up her delicate little sleep routine and I didn't want her to miss me two nights in a row. I didn't go to the rehearsal dinner. I did go to the wedding but much of the time was spent fighting a splitting headache caused by the stress of leaving Jane behind (like 10 minutes away with Grammaw).

It's just weird right now. Parenthood is just crazy weird. It changes you even when you are kicking and screaming swearing up and down that you won't become that parent. Still, you do. You eat your words every day and you love it too.

10/29/09

2009-10-29T16:04:00.004-04:00

Today is the last Thursday I will come into my office and sit in front of the computer screen ALL DAY LONG. This time next week I will be able to take naps WITH Jane. I will be the one to change her diapers. I will be the one who takes her on walks. I will get to play with her and cuddle with her and talk to her and just adore her. I am going to get to see her 40% more than I do now. I am SO excited!!!

Things have been going very well. Jane started sleeping better because I accepted the fact that we were going to co-sleep and I couldn't "train" her to sleep in her crib. And then, just this last week, things have been getting worse again because she wakes up pumped and ready to go at like 2 am. It takes literally 2 hours to get her to go back to sleep for just another hour or so. It's brutal. But it won't be like this for long. And working part-time is going to help with this because on Thursday and Friday I will get to NAP WITH HER. And you better believe I am going to. (My sincere apologies to Housework and Dinner on the Table.)

Jane is six months old and then some. It's a bit sobering how quickly these six months have gone by. In one way I feel like I was pregnant with her about a decade ago. But then again, I can't possibly have a six-month old daughter! She's growing so fast I can seriously see it. She's an amazing girl. Not what I would call an easy baby but she's just my universe. I worship her.

My entire life since April has been about her. I can't really concentrate on anything that doesn't have to do with Jane. I have become "that Mommy" who I really loathed before I had my own. It's sobering when I think of all the things I said I would never do. I take them back. Oops. My bad.

On the brink of a meltdown

2009-09-18T15:55:00.005-04:00

I don't know if I have posted about Jane's sleeping habits before, but my daughter does not sleep. It's killing me. I haven't gotten 3 hours of consecutive sleep in 12 weeks. The best I can hope for now is 2 hours in a row, and that is a good night (last night was NOT a good night).

I don't know what to do but I am close to a nervous breakdown over this. I need my sleep and I am not getting it. As a result, my immune system is pretty much shutting down. I just got mastitis for the second time this month. I haven't been taking care of myself like I should be simply because I am too tired.

How is one supposed to function on 2-3 hours of sleep per night?

There are no answers. My child is a super hero and her great power is not requiring sleep.

*******

That being said, I love her dearly and when she looks at me in the middle of the night with her beautiful eyes and smiles and coos at me I can't help but die a little every time. She is the love of my life, despite it all.

How do I get so lucky all the time?

2009-09-14T10:49:00.003-04:00

I actually think my work is going to let me work part-time. I actually think I am going to get to stay home with Jane 2 days out of the week and that she will not need a sitter to watch her, but have family watch her every day of the week.

Since my last post, I have been trying my hardest to reduce our monthly expenses. I got our car/homeowner's insurance down by like $90/mo. We are refinancing our house (MAYBE, if the appraisal goes through), etc. etc. Just trying to cut costs down as far as we can get them. Well, even after all of that we still probably would not be able to make it on my DH's income alone, when I realized this week that when 2 of our lightbulbs went out we had already gone over my "let's pretend I am not working budget" and couldn't even afford a package of lightbulbs on DH's income alone.

As I had mentioned, I was thinking about working part-time but I thought that my work would totally not be for that. Well, I told my supervisor I was going to quit or that I'd be willing to work part-time. (I was halfway bluffing about quitting). He totally freaked out, went to our boss and told him, then our boss went to the CEO and now I am probably going to be able to work part-time AND THEY ARE GIVING ME A $10/hr RAISE. This means I will be working 3 days a week and not even losing that much money. I will lose my benefits, but I can totally deal with that. Now I will be able to afford health insurance through my husband's work.

I am not 100% sure that this is "final" but it seems like they are going to let me. This means I will get the best of both worlds: working and keeping my foot in the door (career-wise) and also staying home with Jane more than 50% of the week.

If this goes through I can avoid sending Jane to a sitter. My mom will continue to watch her 2 days a week, I will watch her 2 days and Jeremy will watch her 1 day after changing his schedule to 4-day weeks.

I am thrilled beyond belief. And also a little stunned. My luck just doesn't stop! If this happens, I seriously feel as though I have the best situation of any mommy out there EVER. I hate to boast, but I do have a seriously charmed life. ;)

Now please, please, please let this all be FINAL this week so I can start bragging to all of my friends. :-P

Sleep deprivation :(

2009-08-20T13:47:00.006-04:00

The last month of my life has been pretty hard. Jane has stopped sleeping really well and has outgrown her bassinet. So, about 3 weeks ago we put her in her crib and that was horrible. She started getting up several times at night crying. So I put a mattress down in her room and would sleep in the room with her, but that was no good either because she still kept crying and needing to be coaxed back to sleep. She squirms herself awake all the time and you have to keep getting up to soothe her. Just this week I have started cosleeping with her on that mattress in the floor. Two nights ago it worked pretty well. Last night, not so much because she was still so squirmy. I love sleeping with her. It seems like the natural thing to do. But I am still very terrified that I am going to roll over on her or hit her with an elbow or smother her with a blanket. I don't sleep very well when she's with me. So, I am a zombie. The nights when I get about 4 hours or less of sleep are the worst. It wouldn't be SO bad if I could stay at home with her, but I have to go to work and use my brain all day and it's just awful. I've missed several hours of work because of this. And the hours that I am at work I sit and cry. I miss her. I hate being away from her. I have crunched the numbers but I can't stay home with her. I could swing it if I worked part-time but my work won't let me and I would lose my benefits anyway.

I am a mess. I do not want to send Jane to the sitter in November, but we are still going to. The thought of her being scared or not being able to nap without Grandma there really breaks my heart every day. It actually makes me physically sick to my stomach to think about it. And I think about it all the time. We still have over 2 months before we have to send her and it is on my mind nearly every hour. She can't take a nap on her own. What is she going to do? Oh it kills me to think of her scared and so tired but afraid to go to sleep.

Despite my problem with her at night, I will never sleep "train" this baby. Crying it out is NOT an option. I think it's close to child abuse although I know several mothers would whole-heartedly disagree with me. I don't care. I am not going to do it to my baby. It goes against every instinct in my body to let her cry. I just wonder how these poor little babies feel left in a cold crib, behind bars, crying out for comfort and it never coming. That kills me. If nothing else, Jane will know she is loved during the day AND during the night. And until she can talk to me and tell me what is wrong, I will wake up with her and be there for her.

So, sleep is my problem. My body needs 9 hours of sleep a day to do well. I am getting more like 3-5. It's one thing to say it and hear about it, but it's another to live it. It is killing me. Each night I pray that this is the night she sleeps for 6 hours in a row. But that seems VERY unlikely to me now.

One day this will pass, and I will miss my sweet baby Jane wanting to sleep with me. I just wish I could get by on so little sleep. I wish I could stay at home with her where I belong.

I love her so much it breaks my heart EVERY day.

These are the moments to treasure.

2009-07-25T23:21:00.004-04:00

I'm rocking Jane to sleep after a particularly fussy night. She finally calms down while we listen to some Beethoven and rock in the recliner in the dark. She sucks my finger for a while and then slowly drifts off into the wonderful world of baby sleep. It starts to lightning and thunder and I realize that this moment is perhaps the single greatest moment of my life. Rocking her, hearing her breath, feeling the weight of her little body on mine, listening to the soothing music and thunder, watching the lightning, looking around her little room. Loving her so much it hurts.

I rocked with her like that for over an hour and it felt like a few minutes. I could have stayed in that moment forever. This is the stuff of love songs.

It's cool to be me.

2009-07-17T08:36:00.006-04:00

A lot has been going on in the short time I have been away from my blog. Not just with me and my family, but with my friends too. It seems like each of my friends has something big going on right now. The unexpected: proposals, divorce, pregnancy, layoffs. Friends are moving, getting married, getting divorced, falling in love...a lot is going on. I find it weird because for YEARS nobody I knew had anything going on. I guess once you reach a certain age things are going to happen, both bad and wonderful. I must say, it does give my husband and I something to talk about other than Jane. We wish the best for everyone. Mainly, I just wish that everyone could be as happy and content in their life as I am.

Jane continues to be the sweetest thing on the planet. She is my single great accomplishment in life for sure. Love isn't quite the word to use for what you feel for your child. It's bigger than that. It chokes you and can make you feel as though you are suffocating. Sometimes I feel like it's too much and that I can't take it; don't want it. With love comes the fear of loss and THAT is simply unfathomable. It's the most wonderful, excrutiating, acute condition. Well, I really can't put it into words, but it grows stronger every day that I am with Jane. She is all that is good in the world. Precious was a word invented solely to describe babies. More specifically my sweet baby Jane. ;)

She has already grown so much and every day she discovers something new. You can just see her brain working right now as she responds to her surroundings. She has a plastic lion that she loves to look at, smile at, and talk to. She also has discovered that the clock on our wall is fascinating and will hold serious conversations with it. If you interupt she sometimes grows angry. It is so sweet. She is the happiest in the mornings (so not like her Mommy) and just squeals and grunts in delight at the mobile in her crib. She loves to go outside with Grandma and look at the flowers. She has three teeth coming in (VERY EARLY) and has been drooling a lot. She sucks both of her fists, trying to get at her thumbs, often unsuccessfully. She has found her hands and will now swat at her toys that hang off her bouncy seat. She still hates tummy time, but will tolerate it if the lion is with her, guiding her (lol). She is the light of her Mommy and Daddy's lives. She is so much work but worth every second of it.

A lot of people told me that once you have a baby you will forget what you did before they arrived. Well, I remember what I did. I slept a lot. Watched TV. Went out to eat. Got bored on the weekends. Occasionally wnet out and had a good time with my girlfriends. I remember for sure. But what I cannot fathom now is my life without Jane. What would I have done had she not "enlightened" me? It would have been an empty life for me. I would have always wondered. I am so glad she's here. The first few weeks at home with her were rough, but my hormones have balanced and I am disgustingly happy. I no longer need my Zoloft! Yes, I am still a bit neurotic, but anxious and depressed aren't on the radar right now.

Back to work. :(

2009-06-22T11:31:00.004-04:00

I go back to work July 1 and I am getting more and more depressed about it as the days go by. Right now I am doing a little bit of work from home and even when I spend 2 hours away from Jane (mentally...physically she is in the other room) I feel like the worst mother in the world. It's like when I am not thinking of her and I come back to her I feel so GUILTY for not being "there" for her. How in the world am I going to go back to work? I keep thinking that once she gets a little older, her bedtime will be like 8 or 9, which means I will only see her a total of 3-4 hours a day. That's just ridiculous. I don't know if I can stand it!

The thought of her first laughter, walk, crawl, etc. away from me just BREAKS MY HEART. How can I leave this precious face?

Oh to be in love...

2009-05-25T17:12:00.008-04:00

I think it's possible I love my new baby too much. I have fallen desperately, completely, head over heels in love with her and there is no going back. She has stolen my heart and my soul. It is a wonderful feeling and also completely scary at the same time. She is SO PRECIOUS. Everything she does is miraculous to me. I can already tell she's grown up so much in the 5 weeks she's been here. It makes me sad. She will grow up so fast. I am trying my hardest to enjoy every second I have with her. I go back to work on July 1. This makes me sick to my stomach. I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE HER. EVER. I would give both of my pinky toes if I could afford to stay home with her. Unfortunately, that isn't possible. I guess I should concentrate on the time I do have with her, but at night all I can think about is how much I desperately want to stay at home with her. :'(

Here are some pics. I can't resist...

Introducing Jane Elizabeth

2009-05-05T19:22:00.008-04:00

Jane Elizabeth was born on April 20, 2009 at 10:51 a.m. after 16 hours of labor. She weighed 8 pounds and 15 3/4 ounces. (Why they didn't just round up to 9, I don't know.) She was 21.5 inches long and had a full head of RED hair!

FOUR Sundays ago and DH and I were getting ready for our week. I had diarrhea on and off that day so I was hopeful that maybe something was happening since that can sometimes be a sign that labor is imminent. I didn't really think it was, but still...it was something. We went to Kroger to do our grocery shopping for the week. I felt completely normal. Got home and started making dinner. I was making the fruit salad. Standing for a while often makes my back ache, especially when 9 months pregnant. So, I sat down for a while and felt a slight pressure over my bladder. Nothing unusual until...GUSH. My water broke. I could NOT believe it. We weren't ready. DH didn't even have his bags packed. I ran to the bathroom and more water came out. I FREAKED out and was so nervous. I had DH call L&D to tell them we were coming in and we frantically packed the last of my things and took off. By the time we got to L&D I had convinced myself that it was a false alarm. But they took me in and got me hooked up to some machines and right before the nurse was going to check me a HUGE gush of water came out and that's when I said, "oh shit, I KNOW my water just really broke." It was like Niagara Falls. She used that little strip thing that tells if it's amniotic fluid and it immediately turned blue. I was in labor. OMG....At this point it was about 7:30 p.m. I was 1.5 cm and 70% effaced. I had a LONG way to go.

My biggest fear was that I would not be able to walk around and that my labor would not progress and that I would end up with Pitocin to augment things. I did NOT want Pitocin. I made that much clear, so she said that the doctor was giving me until 6 a.m. to progress on my own. But since my water broke, I could not walk around for fear of a prolapsed cord. I was stuck in that uncomfortable labor bed for good. It took a while for my contractions to really get going. At first they were so very manageable. I remember thinking that it wasn't so bad and that I could totally manage labor without an epidural. And I did pretty good too. The next time they checked me I was 4 cm dilated. Yay!!! The contractions were slowly getting stronger so I was pretty confident that I was going to have this baby on my own, without any Pitocin. Around 4 a.m. the contractions started getting pretty intense. The days of "breathing" through them were over. I started tensing up and shaking with every one. I couldn't take it. I requested the epidural. After I requested it I had to wait about an hour to actually get it and that hour was the worst of my labor. The woman who gave me the epidural was like 80 years old. And it actually hurt quite a bit. First of all, I was having the most intense contractions and had to be completely still while they stuck a needle in my back. That was hard to do! Second, the epidural sends these shocks down your legs and that was pretty scary. The pain from the needles and medication wasn't really bad but it was definitely a weird pinching sensation that I did not like at all.

So the last bit of my labor was spent almost pain free. The epidural worked better on the right side and that leg was completely DEAD. The left side took a little longer to get totally numb and I was feeling contractions on that side of my body for a while. But they got me fixed up eventually. The baby's heart rate never decreased and my blood pressure was stable. Yay! I think about 2 hours later I was dilated to 8 and another 2 hours later I was ready to push. I couldn't believe it when she told me I was ready. But before I could push I had to "labor down", which meant I sat upright for about a half hour. This got the baby lower in the birth canal so my pushing wouldn't be as hard.

Pushing was the best part of the labor. I got to see her head coming out! They put a mirror down there and that was so cool. Of course, I couldn't concentrate very much on pushing with that mirror there so I only looked one or two times. That was pretty cool. By the time the doctor came in I had been pushing for a little while and she was getting close to coming out. I barely remember him coming in the room, but I am really glad I got the doctor I did to deliver me. He made me feel calm in a strange way. (Oh yeah and earlier in the labor he came in to check me and I told him, "you smell nice"...heh heh....I think I embarrassed him, but he really did smell nice.) I didn't have to push very long. Maybe 20 minutes or so. I didn't feel any pain from the pushing but I did feel pressure. It was hard work but I finally felt like I was doing something. My husband and my mom got to see the whole process. They said there was a lot of blood and at the very end, when she came out a huge amount of blood squirted all over the doctor. I missed that part. I was just in shock that I pushed out a 9 pound baby with relative ease. I did tear and had to get stitches. I had a second degree tear.

So the baby is out and on my stomach at 10:51 am and I am in SHOCK. I just couldn't believe it. Her head was turned away from me on my stomach so I just focused on her ears. They were totally flattened against her head and were so tiny and delicate looking. She didn't breathe right away. Well, I think she did, but she was having trouble. So they took her over to the warming table and got her all fixed up. When they brought her back to me I got to try out breastfeeding and got to see her for the first time. Her cheeks were HUGE. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't exactly love at first site but more like SHOCK at first site. I knew I loved her, but I was just so shocked by what had just happened that I couldn't really take her in properly. Also, they kept saying she had red hair, but I didn't really think she did. (I was wrong...she has red hair).

I don't really remember what happened next. I think I attempted to breastfeed for a while and then they finally took her to the nursery to be checked by a pediatrician. I got to eat (after about 24 hours of no eating...mmm, the BEST hamburger ever) and then they wheeled me to my recovery room. I stayed in that room for the next two days attempting to nurse and sleep. I failed pretty bad at both of those things. The nursing was much harder than I thought it was going to be. She had trouble latching on at first. In the end, we got it, but it took about 15-20 minutes of "trying" before she would latch every time. The sleeping was harder. I was so wired that I could not sleep despite being completely out of my mind exhausted. I think I got about 6 hours of sleep the entire time I was in the hospital.

So there is my birth story, a month after she was born. I have to be honest and say that the first two weeks at home were not very good. I suffered from the baby blues in a bad way. I was scared to death of my new baby and completely overwhelmed by having her in the house with us. I felt like I loved her too much and was terrified every time she cried. I have never been around babies much in my life and being around her was a definite wake up call. Babies are so much work and that work NEVER ENDS. Now, after a month, I am really loving being a mother. She is a very good baby and I love her more than is possible. Each day with her I can tell that she's growing. She's already the love of my life and she hasn't even realized she has hands yet. :)

Dude....I'm gonna be somebody's MOMMY

2009-04-17T15:20:00.002-04:00

I am going to have a baby soon! Like, really soon. In just one month, I will be a MOTHER for sure.

Oh.
My.
God.

Amazing.

It's hitting me big time right now. How bizarre that I will have a daughter. I will be entirely responsible for her health and well being. I will be her primary care giver. The one person she needs more than anyone else. I will be her mommy. Somebody is going to call me MOMMY!

Wow. It's just unbelievable. This time last year I was freaking out over never getting pregnant and never becoming a parent. I was FIXATED on it. I never thought I would be in this position. I really didn't.

I am so grateful.

My life is never going to be the same again. And I am happy for it. I am not one to use the word "blessed", but I am.

Jane, I cannot wait to see your little face and hold you in my arms for the first time. So, with that being said, please come out. Like, now. Seriously.

Time is standing STILL

2009-04-17T09:20:00.004-04:00

I have now caught up at work so well that I am actually ahead. That's great....but now I am BORED BORED BORED during the day.

So now that I am bored to death, with absolutley nothing to do with myself but wait for the baby, I am going to write a bunch of meaningless, nothing blogs to keep myself occupied. Once the baby gets here I am betting I won't be writing nearly as much, although at that time I will probably have tons more interesting to say.

I haven't had many dreams about my baby this pregnancy. But recently, I have had a few and they are DISTURBING. In every dream, something is majorly wrong with her. But it always ONLY has to do with her looks. Last night I dreamt she was just like an alien...weird notches in her head and HUGE floppy ears. And I didn't like her. I was scared of her because of the way she looked. This bothers me. I guess I'm pretty shallow and just hoping she "looks" normal. I don't know. I hate the waiting.

My patience level has dropped off to nothing now. (Not that I was ever super patient.) Everything my husband does gets on my nerves. I mean, I have no reason for this. He is doing nothing wrong. But, I am just so irritable I want to wring his neck! I guess it's hormones. But I am so uncomfortable all of the time that I can't sleep, I can't sit, I can't lie on the couch. I can't do ANYTHING without feeling miserable and quite pathetic.

And my self esteem right now is in the gutter. My work had a going away party for a co-worker of mine and pictures were taken. I got myself all made up and thought I was looking pretty cute. Boy was I wrong. The pictures show an entirely different story. Now, I know I am pregnant and I have a big belly. I am totally fine with my belly/ass/hips being ginormous. It's my face that sets me back. I have a fat, bloated pregnancy face at this point and it makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH to see. I don't know why I don't notice it when I look in the mirror. It's only on film that I look this way (in my delusional mind, that is). And then while at this party, a co-worker said, "your hands are really swollen, aren't they?" Uh....NO!!!!! I certainly don't think they are. Guess they are just fat. Gee, thanks for that! It's very disheartening to see how I look. ESPECIALLY when you compare yourself to other preggo's who looked like supermodels with the exception of their cute little baby bumps their entire pregnancies. You know...the ones who get the pregnancy "glamour shots" taken...looking off into the distance holding their cute little tummies with nothing but a sheet draped around their petite little frames, covering their breasts with their hands. Excuse me while I go vomit.

I think I would just like to go hide until she gets here. I just want her to GET HERE so that I can move on with my life. Jeremy and I are completely motionless right now. We are stuck until Jane comes.

Big Baby???

2009-04-16T08:23:00.002-04:00

DH and I went in for our 38 week appointment on Tuesday. After waiting around for more than an hour, I got to see the doctor who is always so good at reassuring me about everything. I guess he did...I feel better about GBS and the use of Pitocin, epidurals, etc. I still want to try for as natural as I can manage, but now maybe I won't feel like a failure if I end up with the dreaded Pitocin. At the end of my appointment he felt my stomach and said I was measuring 40 weeks instead of the 38 that I am. So he sent me off for an ultrasound to make sure all was well.

The ultrasound showed a healthy baby GIRL (phew...she's still JANE). She was taking practice breaths and you could see her little abdomen moving up and down. That was cool. She's so scrunched up in there that it's really hard to make much of anything out at this point. She is head down for sure (YAY!), but she is still very high and hasn't dropped yet. My amniotic fluid levels were "great", so I don't have to worry about that just yet either. The tech took some measurements and the computer estimated Jane to be at 8 pounds right now. That would mean that if she were born in week 40, she might be a 9-pounder. We will see though. I don't necessarily think she is. I know of way too many people who have had these predictions be off by more than a pound. Even the u/s tech told us the weight estimates are not very reliable this late in the game. Most tend to overestimate the weight, although I have also heard of them UNDERestimating the weight. I hope that's not the case for me.

It was neat to get to see Jane again. It's still weird to me that she is in there. And I still have a hard time believing I am going to be a mother in a few short weeks.

Another new week

2009-04-13T09:40:00.003-04:00

I am bored, bored, bored. I am caught up at work. I'm basically ready to go on maternity leave at the drop of a hat. That's great news, actually. I have been SO STRESSED OUT over training my temporary replacements (that's right...it takes TWO people to replace me!), so now that this is taken care of, I should feel immense relief. I guess I do.

Not only am I bored at work, but I am bored at home. Jane's room is ready. And there are just a few odds and ends left on my "to do before baby" list. And from that list, I can't really do any of those things. They are all things I have to get my husband to do. I mean, I can't even wash dishes at this point. Well, I can...but my stomach is in the way and I have to lean all funny over the sink and it hurts my back really bad...so I just don't. My husband is still doing about 95% of our housework, bless his heart.

So what can I do? I can lie on the couch. I am OK at that, although even that is pretty uncomfortable. If I want to change positions, it's a big ordeal. If I want to stand up, it's sometimes a two person job. My core is just gone. I am having to rely on arms and legs to get into that upright position. It's quite the scene.

We got our new camcorder at the end of last week. I have already recorded the nursery and showed it to my grandparents over the holiday weekend. They liked it. :) It's amazing how horrible your voice always sounds on video/tape. UGH. I am a whiny, out of breath, shaky voiced thing. PLUS, my face actually has that "pregnant look" to it on video. Now, when I look in the mirror, I don't feel like I have that look. But I guess the camera does not lie. I have a definite double chin, and just that overall puffiness that pregnant women sometimes get. It isn't out of control...yet. Oh well, what can you do? I have some friends who I think delight in the fact that I may get puffy. Gee, thanks. However, still no stretch marks so ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Tell someone who got stretch marks in their pregnancy that you have yet to see one, and they will hate you. GUARANTEED. (I'm still knocking on wood that I don't get them...I know several girls who didn't see one until the very end...)

So this week is another week of nothing. I have a prenatal appointment tomorrow at 10:30 and our new window blinds should be in within a few days. That's pretty much my week. Maybe Jane will decide it's time for her birthday, but I seriously doubt it. I will be 38 weeks tomorrow, so she is very much 100% TERM right now. Do you hear that Jane? You can come out now! We are all ready!!!!!!!

In the Teens! and 37W Appointment Disaster/Rant

2009-04-10T08:48:00.007-04:00

Just 19 days until my due date. Well, that's what I am saying at least.

If you go according to when I ovulated, it is only 18 days. Fertilityfriend.com says so. And, to be quite honest, I believe FF. I was charting my temps for MONTHS on that site. So, if anyone knows me, it's FF.

If you go according to one of my earlier ultrasounds, which I am, it is 19 days.

If you go according to my doctors, who refuse to admit that a woman can ovulate on any day OTHER than CD14, it is 21 days. Why is it that the doctors are the morons here? They refuse to change your EDD (estimated due date) unless an ultrasound shows that they are more than 1 week off. This has driven me crazy my entire pregnancy. Why can't they just give me the 3 days and SAY my EDD is 4/29. 5/1 is NOT right!!!

Oh well. Doesn't really matter. Baby will come when she comes. It's HER decision.

My mom's due date with me was April 29 too and I wasn't born until May 3. So, it's a very real possibility that my first born daughter will also be born on May 3. My 30th birthday. Creepy or cool? I don't know. ;)

I have been having a terrible time sleeping this last trimester and it's only getting worse. Last night I got up to pee 8 times. It's always right before I fall asleep too. I will get up to pee (and where is all this pee coming from?!) and then lie back down...5 minutes later I am peeing again. Sheesh!

My 37 week appointment this week was a complete disaster. First of all, I get there and as usual, I get very nervous. This is horrible to admit, but I feel like a little girl when I go there. I am so fat and ugly right now, and when I talk to people and they give me their undivided attention, I get really WEIRD feeling. I know they are looking at me and judging me and my face turns BRIGHT RED and I start shaking and sweating. WHY? I am almost 30 years old. Why do I still feel this way? So anyway, they take my blood pressure. It's 140/100. Nice way to start the appointment. They had me lie on my left side (very uncomfortable on these half bed examining tables with only a small sheet covering my nether regions and my bare arse sticking out towards the door while my left arm falls asleep) then they retook my BP. It was 98/63. Further proof that my nerves really affect my physiology. So, I guess that is good. My BP wasn't really elevated.

The doctor who I saw is very young. She doesn't look much older than I am. I have a very hard time trusting someone my age to be my Ob-Gyn. I guess that is agism, but so be it. She just returned from her own maternity leave, so I thought she may be pretty cool and understanding. She wasn't. She rushed me and really brushed off a lot of my questions. I hate it when they do that. This will be the doctor who is on call when I deliver. I guarantee it!

The week before, the midwife at the practice told me that baby's head was "right there", I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. Well this time, the doctor told me the baby's head was still high, I was BARELY 1 cm dilated and only 25% effaced. ***punch in the gut*** I went backwards?! Sigh...I was so excited about being 1 cm/50%. In the grand scheme of things, none of that matters. You can be 0 cm dilated and still go into labor within hours. It's just kind of defeating I guess. I think the doctor should have lied to me. ;) Of course, it's all a matter of perception/opinion and each person who checks you will tell you something different. Alas...

Next blow was that I have a yeast infection. Lovely. She gave me Diflucan to take. Look up Diflucan online and it says that pregnant women should not take it. I mentioned this to her and she said, "I wouldn't give you anything that would hurt your baby." Yep, I offended her. Heaven forbid a patient have knowledge and question their doctor.

FINALLY, as the doctor left the room to write my prescription (took her like 10 minutes to write this prescription) I took a look at my chart. At the top it had GBS + circled. Well, the week before I had been tested for GBS. It's a normal bacteria that live in the lower intestinal tract and/or vaginas of about 30% of the population. It causes no problems for the carrier, but can be fatal to babies if they contract it, since their little immune systems are so new. UM....why didn't they mention this to me?! Well, when she came back in I mentioned it and she said, oh yeah you will just need to be hooked up to an IV of antibiotics when you go into labor. No big deal.

Well, I am glad they think it's no big deal. But look up GBS online and you will get scared to death (yes, I know...stop looking online!!!). The odds are very small that the baby will contract GBS. Especially with the antibiotics I will receive while in labor. However, now my entire birth plan is screwed up. I had planned on laboring at home for as long as possible. I wanted to go to the hospital with little time to spare so they wouldn't hook me up to machines, slow my labor down, mark me as "failure to progress", administer Pitocin, which would lead to an epidural, which would slow the baby's heart rate AND the labor itself even more, and in the end, I would end up with a C-section. Yes, this is the worst case scenario, but it's the one my brain goes to first.

Now, I will have to go into the hospital as soon as my water breaks (if it breaks) or much sooner than I would have if it does not break. Well, how will I know how long this labor is going to last? I need 4-6 hours of being on the antibiotics before they actually work. I know that most first-time moms have longer labors, but I have heard of many who had quite short labors. What if I am one of those? I've been going to a chiropractor three times a week and one of his claims is that he can shorten your labor. I know of 3 other first-time moms who went to a chiropractor and none of them labored over 4 hours from start to finish. So now I am left with WISHING for a longer labor. That's just wrong.

Anyway, I am very much annoyed with this GBS+ outcome. It's kind of sent me into a sort of depression. I know nobody's birth plan ever works out the way they want it to, but I already feel defeated before I've even begun.

And I wish I could just stop stressing out over the labor. It's all I think about lately. I have been reading books, writing and revising my "birth plan" and basically going over and over all of the potential outcomes in my head. It's exhausting work planning for something that cannot be predicted. I just hope that EVERYTHING doesn't go wrong and at least 1 or 2 things go my way. Mainly, that I end up with a healthy baby girl. Gosh, it's surreal. This entire pregnancy is just a dream. The fact that I may come out of this a MOMMY is simply amazing to me.

**Oh yeah, another bad thing about the appointment was that I had gained 4 pounds in one week. Um...my weight gain is supposed to be SLOWING down at this point. If I don't gain another pound I will be happy. That will put my total pregnancy weight gain at 35 pounds (and we will ignore the 20 pounds I gained while TRYING to conceive). Please no more. Guess that means no more ice cream/potato chip binges (oops).**

Feeling down :(

2009-04-09T16:05:00.005-04:00

With 20 days until my due date, I am feeling surprisingly depressed. I don't really know why either. Maybe it's because 20 days seems like a REALLY LONG time away. I tested positive for Group B Strep and this means that I will have to show up at the hospital much sooner than I had planned in order to be hooked up to an IV of antibiotics for my entire labor. This has me seriously unhappy. My "birth plan" is already screwed up because of it. Getting online and reading about GBS makes you terrified as you read about stillborns and severely disabled babies too. Another thing I have to worry about.

Sigh.......I just feel like I am NEVER going to have this baby. And then when I do have her, I will only get to spend 8 weeks with her before I ship her off to another caregiver and go back to my crappy job (which isn't so crappy, really, but compared to being at home raising my child, any job is crappy).

I can't sleep at night because I am so uncomfortable. I know this is not helping my current anxiety/depression situation.

And, there is just something that I can't place. Something feels not right. Not necessarily with the baby, but with ME. I hope this isn't the start of postpartum depression. Maybe it's not. I mean, my life is seriously on hold right now. I can't DO anything until this baby gets here. Well, other than WORRY MYSELF TO DEATH.

Gosh, if I could give my daughter one trait it would be her father's temperament. I hope she doesn't have the anxiety/worry/fears that I do. It's not a fun way to be.

What is good in my world

2009-03-30T15:33:00.002-04:00

1. My husband
2. My future child, even if she refuses to remove her feet and/or butt from my ribcage.
3. We are getting new mini blinds installed soon! I may be way too excited about this.
4. Barack Obama is our President.
5. My sister is engaged.
6. My friends...I finally feel secure enough in myself to actually HAVE friends that I don't dislike. (I hope I never have to go back to high school.)
7. My mom
8. This economy isn't really affecting us all that much. We both have stable jobs and are living comfortably (for now...wait until I see just how much babies cost)
9. Lost - I don't care if it's lame to like a TV show so much. This show gets me through my weeks!
10. I like where I live.
11. Springtime!!!!!!!!
12. Destin 2010

1 more month. 4 weeks. 30 days.

2009-03-30T15:03:00.003-04:00

So, baby is no longer breech. Ha ha...pretty cool! According to the chiropractor she turned after just three sessions. I am actually pretty skeptical about this. She seems to be in the same position she's been in for months. I think he was wrong the first time. She was never breech. Whatever though...I am still going to see him. He does help with back pain and has started to help some with the rib pain I have been having. Plus, many women swear that these chiropractic sessions helped shorten and ease their labors. I can't ignore that. I will try anything!

I had my baby showers. YAY!!! I got so much stuff it's unreal. I (almost) feel guilty for accepting so many gifts from people. When I first started my registry I was overwhelmed at the amount of money we were going to have to spend to just get ready for Jane's arrival. Well, turns out we got nearly everything on our registry and then some. It's humbling to have such great friends, family and co-workers. At my "real" shower, where I invited my friends and family, I had the best time. Almost everyone I invited (with the exception of Jeremy's family) came to the shower! I've never felt like I've had many friends in my life, but seeing the turnout made me feel so grateful. I felt "loved", which is a weird feeling for me. I had dear friends come in from Nashville, others from Indiana, Louisville, Lexington and Paris (KY). It's weird to think that people TRAVELLED just to come to my shower for a few hours. I am so lucky. I mean, seriously...it's ridiculous how lucky I am. I shall not take it for granted!!

So as the title of my blog goes, Jane's due date is in just 30 days. That's a little daunting. It seems really soon, but also still quite far away. I'm begining to worry (of course) now about stupid things. Like what if Jane is a BOY?! Eek, no I can't handle that. What if she has a birthmark on her face that causes her to be ridiculed? What if during labor there is a cord accident and she is hurt? What if something really bad happens? Ugh, I shudder to even think about it. I know in all likelihood I will end up with a healthy and beautiful baby girl, but I hate the unknown. It's what has kept me in a perpetual state of almost panic my entire adult life.

Please Gods, let Jane be like her father. I don't want her inheriting my anxiety. I do want her to be left-handed like me though. ;) ha ha...

In the meantime I am trying to find things to occupy myself. There isn't really much I can do now. I am going to another friend's baby shower this weekend. The next week I will go to a surprise birthday party for a friend (at a bar...hmm...how will THAT look?). And, as always, I have Lost to keep the weeks moving along. Plus, Green Day is coming out with a new album on May 15. That means baby Jane will start her life rocking out to some undoubtedly great tunes.

I'm also trying to figure out a way I can not be so selfish. I feel like "me me me me me me" all the time these days. I don't like it, but I guess in a time like this I have a lot going on and find it hard to focus on much else but myself. I find it annoying though. Oh well, c'est ma vie.

I don't like the "real" problems

2009-03-19T13:37:00.001-04:00

Scare #1459: Baby is breech

Scare #1460: I have bacterial vaginosis

Lovely. On antibiotics for BV and seeing a chiropractor in hopes of getting Jane to turn.

Real problems stink. I want my fake problems back.

Surprise! Everything's fine...

2009-03-10T15:52:00.002-04:00

So, yeah....

Got my blood test results back. Everything is cool. (blush). HOWEVER, I did have one liver enzyme that was slightly elevated, so they retested that and now I am waiting on that set of bloodwork to come back. Doctor doesn't think it's a problem. He scheduled my next appointment for 2 weeks, so that means I am a "normal" patient at this point. That's a good thing.

I am relieved. I certainly didn't want Preeclampsia or Cholestasis. And I have no new crises to report at the moment, believe it or not.

Now I am just freaking uncomfortable! I mean, I have 7 weeks to go and boy am I hurting. I hate to complain about being pregnant, but I'm ready to meet my baby girl already. Everyone told me that the last 2 months are pretty uncomfortable but I was sure my bliss at being pregnant would get me through. Yes, I am still horribly happy about being pregnant, but...
I have horrendous heartburn.
I can't get comfortable in bed and it takes me about 2-3 hours to fall asleep.
My stomach at the top where my uterus ends is just kind of painful all the time.
I get kicked in the ribcage a lot these days (I actually love this, but it can be uncomfortable).
I can't get off the couch without the aid of my husband and all the strength he can muster.

OK, done complaining.

Now, I just need to admit that I am becoming one of "those moms" already. I can't think of anything other than being pregnant and having a baby. I didn't want to be this way. I wanted to keep my own personal interests and my own life outside of baby. I guess it's kind of hard to do that when you are a house for another human being. It's a little bit consuming, and I have a good excuse: my brain is literally shrinking.

Hypochondria 101

2009-03-04T10:05:00.004-05:00

Well, pretty much everyone who reads my blog already knows that I am crazy. So I am gonna lay it all out there today. I need to write this down and come back and look at it from time to time to get some perspective...these are my pregnancy scares to date:

1. Spotting at 12 weeks - went to ER scared to death of another miscarriage. Well, this one I don't blame myself for. Considering my miscarriage started with a tiny bit of spotting, no wonder I was freaked out. I thank my lucky stars that this was the only time I have spotted during my pregnancy and that it turned out to be simply nothing and very short-lived. That was the first time that we got to see our little girl bouncing around on the ultrasound machine. And she actually looked human with legs and arms and all of that. It was amazing. I cried. Hmm...at the time we thought Jane was a boy, thanks to an inept ultrasound tech.

2. Started getting this weird ringing in my ears probably around 17-ish weeks. It was driving me crazy. I could hear my heart beating in my right ear for several hours out of the day. Well, of course I Googled it and got scared out of my mind. I found two women who had this exact same symptom and ended up with Bells Palsy during the last months of their pregnancy. I thought I was doomed. Preeclampsia was also a concern with this symptom, even though most women don't get Pre-e until they are late in their third trimesters. I even mentioned this to my doctor (in passing) and he basically said he didn't know what was causing the ear ringing. Eventually it went away. I would say this lasted 2 weeks. I was nuts while it lasted though. This was one of those things that I was really scared about. I'm so glad it stopped.

3. At the end of November I got this horrible pain in my lower right side. It was a burning/searing pain and lasted for maybe 30 minutes. A few days later it happened again. I really didn't know what it could be, but it definitely scared me. I called my Ob-Gyn's office and talked to the nurse. She said it could be something with my gallbladder or appendix (uh...I didn't think so, but...). She scheduled me for an ultrasound of my gallbladder. Instead, I went to see my regular doctor to have my urine checked for a possible UTI. Turned out that I did not have a UTI. But I did have ketones in my urine and my blood pressure was high. Apparently ketones in your urine mean that your body is dehydrated or that you are in "starvation mode" and burning fat. My blood pressure being high had to be a fluke. I was REALLY nervous, so maybe that had something to do with it. So from that point on I started eating more often and trying to drink more water. I also got ketone test strips from our local drug store. (That was probably a bad idea.) Well, in the end, this turned out to be a bunch of nothing. I only had those two incidents of pain and since then I've been fine on that front. I now assume it was just my ligaments stretching to accomodate my growing uterus.

4. Right after Christmas (23 weeks) I started getting this horrible pain below my sternum. It was pretty bad. After a while, I couldn't even sleep on my sides. It felt like my sternum/rib cage was being crushed by the weight of my shoulders. I even had to miss work because of this. I mean, I just couldn't sleep!! So I went to my regular doctor (saw a nurse practitioner) and they did an EKG. The RNP comes back in after she got the results and said something was off. PANIC!!!! She faxed the EKG over to a cardiologist in town and he said, no it is fine. Um...OK. That isn't what a hypochondriac needs. I called my Ob-Gyn. He said get a second opinion. I did. That EKG did come back completely normal and I was diagnosed with Costochondritis (inflammation of the chest wall) and was told that it just had to go away on its own and there was nothing I could do about it. Well, it kept getting worse. I was desperate for relief. I went to a Chiropractor and he basically cured me within one visit. I couldn't believe it! Now, I did have a soreness that lasted another month, but the unbearable pain was gone.

5. One morning I woke up and while I was in the shower I noticed that my vision was really weird out of my right eye. This was around 27 weeks. I kept seeing these little wavy lines in my peripheral vision. I freaked out because vision problems are often a symptom of Preeclampsia. I ran to take my blood pressure. It was high!!!! Called the nurse and she scheduled me for an appointment to see their RN (the same one who was a total bitch when I had my miscarriage). Went in to see her and they checked my urine for protein (preeclampsia thing) and my BP. All was fine. She wrote it off to a migraine. I did get a headache later that day, but it wasn't bad. Since then, nothing else with my vision has been off. False alarm.

6. 29 weeks and one night I felt like I was having contractions all night long. Called the doctor, they saw me and checked me. Everything was fine. False alarm again. Possible Braxton Hicks.

7. The dreaded stomach virus! This was just a couple of weeks ago when I was 30 weeks. This was truly legit.

8. 31 weeks and I break out into hives. This is where I am now (see prior blog entry) - waiting for those blood test results to see if I have Cholestasis (ICP) or Preeclampsia. For now, this problem is still legit in my mind. I am freaking out over bubbles in my urine (ha ha...yes, that's right) and some upper right quadrant pain which are both signs of Pre-e. The bubbly urine can mean I am leaking protein (bad). Good news is the itching is no longer here and my blood pressure is normal too. Next appointment is Friday and I can't wait for it. I just want to know NOW. I need some peace of mind. I need reassurance that this latest episode was yet another false alarm. For now, even after rehashing all of those little incidents that have occurred to date, I still cannot be soothed or convinced that perhaps this will turn out to be nothing just like the rest.

So.....I have had a lot of false alarms this pregnancy. All of these weird things happen to your body when you are pregnant and it's hard to know if it's considered normal or not. I have had more "mini panics" that are just too numerous to even write about. And when I first got pregnant I told myself that if I could just make it past my miscarriage date from the last time, that I would not worry. I would just let it be. Boy, did I not follow through on that promise. I just hope that my anxiety and stress have not negatively affected this baby and her growth. I really do try to be sane and rational, but I never seem to pull it off. Worrying like I do takes a toll on a person. It just drains you.

I really wish I could be laid back. I wish I could just roll with the punches. I envy everyone who can.

3rd Trimester not a good one so far

2009-03-03T16:45:00.004-05:00

Last Thursday night I started itching. BAD itching. So bad that later that night I had broken out into hives all over my body. Next day I call the doctor. He wants to see me later that day. Meanwhile, I had been researching itching during pregnancy and actually came up with some pretty scary things. Damn Google! Itching sounds pretty benign. I mean, in all odds you would just think I came into contact with something that didn't agree with me. Well, the hypochondriac in me just cannot accept that. It has to be something serious.

So I get to the doctor fully expecting him to tell me I'm crazy and to relax and take some Benadryl. Well, he didn't. He actually confirmed my worst fear. He said that what HE was worried about was the exact same thing I had found online: Cholestasis of Pregnancy. I won't go into what it is, but it's very rare. The only real symptom that most people experience is generalized itching all over their bodies. It is not harmful to mommy, but it IS harmful to baby and can result in FETAL DEATH. Yeah, so now you can see why I am panicked. So he did some bloodwork to see if I actually have this. I won't know the results until this Friday.

Not only did I have that to deal with, but I had protein in my urine and an elevated blood pressure (elevated for me at least), plus ketones and leukocytes in my urine too. Doctor said that could be the start of Preeclampsia (ALSO not good for baby!!!). So needless to say, I am simply one huge basketcase since that appointment. I did get the results from some of that bloodwork back on Saturday and the nurse told me it was "basically normal" and that I didn't have Preeclampsia. Well, I should be relieved by that, but I am not. I don't know what "basically" normal means. I will get details on Friday from my doctor. This nurse didn't even know what I was being tested for in the first place and it's like I am asking to talk to God when I ask them to have a doctor call me. That just doesn't happen.

So now I am monitoring my blood pressure. It's normal. And I am testing for ketones in my urine (I have test strips at home. Don't ask...) and those tests have all come up negative. I have since not had any itching either, so that is a good sign too. I am hoping that maybe last Thursday/Friday was just a complete fluke and that everything really is fine. I have gone through countless scares this pregnancy with weird little things happening that later turn up to be nothing. I hope this is one of those times.

But let me just say, the thought of losing my baby girl right now is just terrifying. That simply cannot happen. She has to be OK.

My first brush with Labor & Delivery

2009-02-26T10:50:00.005-05:00

Well, two weeks ago I got the WORST stomach bug I have ever had in my life. It was brutal. I have a very big aversion to throwing up. I will avoid it at all costs. In fact, I have never even thrown up from drinking alcohol. I have been sick as a dog from drinking, but my body simply will not purge itself. Friday I threw up probably 20 times. It was awful. I thought I was going to die. And the diarrhea...well, it was a scene. I won't get into all the details, but bad things happened.

Almost from the beginning, I knew I would end up going to the ER. I couldn't keep water down and I couldn't even bear to TRY to drink any water. Now, when you are pregnant staying hydrated is very important. And it's also very easy to get dehydrated. That's what happened to me. After a little bit of coaxing, DH took me to the ER. I knew I needed IV fluids (and maybe some drugs too please). As soon as we got to the ER they sent us up to Labor & Delivery. Whoa...crazy. I had never been up there before.

Once I got there, they put me in a room (the actual room where I will deliver this baby!). They hooked me up to an IV and I almost fainted from that. Jeremy had to wave an alcohol swab under my nose to keep me awake (not a good smell when you have a stomach bug). Then they hooked these monitors around my uterus to measure baby's heart rate and to see if I was having contractions. I was, so they gave me an IV of fluid for dehydration, which was the cause of the "irritable uterus" as they called it. The baby's heart rate was REALLY high too (at one point it was up to 200) because she was running out of amniotic fluid and because I had a slight fever. I felt so sorry for her. She was kicking like crazy because she was trying to get cool, but had nowhere to go and no fluid to help either. The doctor said she'd be fine though, but it was still pretty scary. Anyway, they had me stay overnight and I had about 4 bags of fluid with anti-nausea meds. That helped. My own resting heart rate the entire time I was there was anywhere from 100-120 and my blood pressure was really low. When they released me the next day we came home and then DH got sick, so it was definitely a stomach bug of some sort.

So that's that. After about 4 days I could finally eat solid foods again. I am still not 100% though. This really did some damage. Having a stomach bug is bad enough, but being 3o-ish weeks pregnant on top of it really makes for an unpleasant time.

He's Baaack and I am so PISSED

2009-02-19T08:45:00.005-05:00

Butters is at it again. I haven't slept over 4 hours in the last two nights. Last night I got so angry that I went in there and sprayed him with the water bottle until he was soaking wet. I cannot sleep in my own house. This morning after DH had let them out the other two cats were up as usual, but Butters was sound asleep on the couch. BECAUSE HE HADN'T SLEPT ALL NIGHT LONG. I woke him up repeatedly, but he's just going to sleep all day. I don't know what to do now. I seriously don't know what to do. I thought about putting him outside but my husband wouldn't let me. DH somehow sleeps through all of this. I am so envious. I can still hear that damn cat through EAR PLUGS!

I hate Butters. I really do. He used to be my favorite cat and now when I see him, I am just disgusted. I mean, if I could just come home and he would be dead I would be so happy. I can't take him to the vet to be put to sleep, although I would if they were open at 3a.m.! I mean, I would LIKE to have him put to sleep, but I just don't know if I can do it. Unfortunately, I think it may be our only option. Nobody would take this cat. NOBODY. What am I going to do though? I was late to work a second morning in a row today because of him. I slept through 40 minutes of my alarm going off before I woke up!!!!!!

The whole reason we have the cats in the (HUGE, SPACIOUS, NICE) utility room is to prepare them for when the baby gets here. I can't have the cats pawing at our door and meowying all night long then. And if we were to leave our door open I just know they would get in the way. #1 they'd be all over me in the bed and #2 I am pretty sure they'd try and jump in the bassinet. That's just the kind of rude, misbehaving cats they are.

Ugh, I really am in tears over this. I am at my wits end. I don't know what happened because Butters was doing so well for about 2 weeks there. Nothing has changed to make him start meowing again. But I am closer to snapping and quite literally going in there and committing some horrible act of animal violence than I have ever been. Maybe Michael Vick could help me out......

OK OK. I'm kidding on that last part. But still...the thought has crossed my mind (a lot).

:'(

Valentine's Day Update

2009-02-13T12:05:00.005-05:00

So, ever since I posted my "lazy" blog, I decided that it was time to come up with a plan of action. I have pretty much solved all of my laziness problems by coming up with a cleaning list. Each day I have a small cleaning project to do. Monday is cleaning the bedrooms, Tuesday the bathroom and so on... DH is in on it too and really likes the plan. We've done very well the first week. I hope we can keep it up. It just feels better when you have a clean house and a routine that you should be following.

The only thing I haven't solved is my lack of motivation to work out. I have gone on small walks the last two evenings. But I am finding it very hard to carry this big body around. My stomach is pretty heavy and the pressure from the baby on my bladder is quite intense. That makes exercise a little hard. I probably should have just kept it up all alone and it wouldn't be this bad now. Oh well. What's done is done. I am trying to at least get some activity now.

I had an Obstetrician appointment yesterday. I had only gained about 3 pounds since my last appointment, which is great. The month before, I had gained EIGHT. My total weight gain is around 30 pounds now. Yikes...I was hoping to make it out of the pregnancy only gaining 25. Oops. I am measuring 29 weeks, which is perfect since that is exactly how many weeks along I am. The top of my uterus is now only a few inches below my sternum. That means all of my other organs are squished up in my chest cavity. No wonder I am feeling a bit sore! I also had to drink 10 ounces of this glucose drink for my gestational diabetes test (ick!!). I really hope I passed it. I won't know until early next week. I am now to the point where I go see my doctor every two weeks, instead of every four. I am really excited about that. #1 it means that I can get more frequent doses of reassurance that things are progressing as they should be. And #2 that means we are getting closer to meeting Jane! Wow. Just 11 more weeks. Wow wow wow.

This Saturday is Valentine's Day. DH and I will probably go to dinner and a movie. We have done this the last several years and I love it. :) I don't know why I love Valentine's Day, but all of the red, pink, hearts, flowers, balloons etc. really appeal to me. I think it's a visual thing. I always loved giving out the little paper Valentine's in elementary school. The construction paper hearts, the glitter, glue and those conversational hearts...ah. I guess I've always loved V-Day. I can finally admit it. One year, when I worked at Hallmark, I got really into it. I came up with a scavenger hunt for each of my immediate family members. I went all out. I wrote poems with clues in them and they had to go all over the house until they found their presents. That was fun. Wonder where that creativity of mine went to...??

Oh, and one final update on our cat, Butters. We have been locking him up in the utility room at night and he is doing SO WELL now. I can't believe it! I think all he needed was repetition and absolutely NO responses, good or bad, to his meows. He very may well get to meet Jane. I am in awe of how well he's doing. The last two nights we put him in the room he didn't even try to get back out but went immediately to his bed on the floor. Kind of funny how my problems tend to not be problems at all and eventually things just work out.

Cabin Fever

2009-02-11T10:57:00.003-05:00

I have got a really bad case of cabin fever today. I am just dying to be on the beach in Destin again. DH and I took a vacation in 2004 that was the best time of my life and I want that time back today.

Flip flops and a flowy skirt, tanned skin, looking great in a bikini (2004...sniff sniff), a restaurant directly on the beach, live music in the background, that exhaustion you get from being out in the sun all day, the smell of sunscreen, cold crystal clear ocean water, the glorious after pool naps, cute toddlers running around in the sand, FRESH shrimp, a cold beer.....ah.

It's torture! I HATE winter. Everything is gray. I need some green in my life. I need sunshine and warm temperatures. Give me, give me, I need, I need!!!

It's Picture Time!

2009-02-10T10:55:00.023-05:00

Well, we have begun to get the nursery together. I think it's looking pretty good. I have to wait until after my showers are over to buy the rest of the stuff I will need (which is killing me...my showers aren't until the end of MARCH). I still want curtains for the room, some more pictures for the walls, and of course the bedding in the crib. But I guess this is how the room is basically going to look, give or take a few items.

Here are a few in progress pics:

And here are a few pics of the nursery today. Still more to do, but you get the idea:

The other night I was just sitting in the nursery when I noticed that the stupid mattress wasn't sitting in the crib right. There are two sides that won't go down all the way. This is really stressing me out. We can't get it fixed! To be honest, it doesn't seem like a big deal. There is NO WAY that mattress is going to move in that crib. But the crazy worry-obsessed mom in me wonders if it could create some SIDS risk. Ugh....why won't the mattress just fit? I threw away the plastic on it already thinking that it was perfect. It's not. I seriously don't know what we are going to do to "fix" this problem. I can't go and buy another new crib and mattress! I guess you can't really tell in this picture. But I'm posting it anyway. It's just driving me nuts.

And I guess I will finish with some lovely tummy shots. I am starting to get pretty big. I do believe I will qualify for my own zip code by the time I hit 40 weeks.

Here is me at 23-ish weeks. I thought I was big.

And here is me now, at 29 weeks. I am starting to get that puffy face syndrome. I hope it doesn't get out of control. I am betting it will.

And let me just finish by saying that the layout of this blog is killing me. I have tried and tried to get it to look better but I guess I am just not that computer savvy or something. There are blank lines where I don't want them and no lines where I do want them. Just pretend like it looks nice, please.

I Am A Lazy Bastard

2009-02-09T13:41:00.002-05:00

Am I the laziest person on the planet? I think I might be. I am ashamed at my laziness. I am outraged at my laziness. I am hoping that by writing about it, I can start on the road to recovery.

Here is what I did Sunday: slept until 10:30, husband woke me up for breakfast (which he made), went back to sleep at 11:30, didn't wake up until 1:30, ate a snack, fell asleep on the couch for 2 ADDITIONAL hours, went out to eat with my husband, came home and zoned out on the couch for the rest of the night only to go back to bed at 10:30 and found out that I couldn't sleep. Tossed and turned all night until this morning. Eat, sleep, repeat.

This is not the behavior of a healthy person. I have to change my ways.

I had so much potential for yesterday too. It was a beautiful day! And I wasted it.

Basic things seem to paralyze me.

Cleaning: I cannot do dishes for the life of me. My kitchen is in a perpetual state of nastiness. We let our dirty breakfast dishes sit on our kitchen table all day yesterday! How can I not just clean up after myself? Something is keeping me from doing it and my only excuse is laziness. I despise cleaning the bathroom. I can't do it. I won't. Dust bunnies are so out of control in my house that the other day I came home and there was a dust bunny on our kitchen table (sans dishes this time). Ew, that's just wrong. My window blinds are so dusty that I am thinking of just buying all new ones. Cleaning them would take too long and be too much work. I'm willing to just shell out $600 or so for all new ones instead.

Laundry: Um, I wear dirty clothes all the time. I will pull them out of the hamper, fluff them up a bit in the dryer and pretend like they are clean. I have a limited wardrobe right now and my laziness with the laundry is only adding to that problem.

Filing papers: If I could just file our paperwork as I get it, things wouldn't pile up like this. Instead I have a good 2-hour filing session that needs to be done.

Taxes: Did them at work. All I had to do over the weekend was file them. Nope. Didn't do it.

Groceries: We cannot get on a good grocery buying schedule. Every day I ask myself "what's for lunch" and "what's for dinner". Every day I am at the grocery store. I cannot plan ahead. I cannot make a list and buy what's on the list at the beginning of the week. I am an idiot. Every week my meal plans are unprepared and chaotic. And oh do I hate grocery shopping.

Working out: I used to be able to do this. Now that I am pregnant it is just out of the question. It shouldn't be. I should be working out. I have the means and the time to do this. I just don't.

Yard work: OK, well I can't really do much yard work right now, but I could nag my husband until he does it. I'm even too lazy to nag! We have tons of branches in our front yard that need to be picked up. We have gutters that are clogged, a gutter that is broken, and a fence that is damaged too. Instead, we choose to let it remain this way and to turn into big fat rednecks letting our property go to hell. Nice. Real nice!

There. Gosh, my laziness just overwhelms me. How am I going to cope with life when I add a baby to the equation? Something has got to change. I have got to get my act together.

The thing is, I am a Type A personality. I love making lists and scheduling things and sticking to that schedule. Something has slipped and my home life is just a chaotic mess right now. I don't know how to get back on track. I need an electric shock in the ass to get up and actually DO SOMETHING! But I can't just do it once. I have to keep doing it. That is my biggest problem. I can get motivated maybe one day a month, but that's just not enough. I need to be vigilant and stay on schedule.

Somebody help me! Somebody make me do my chores!!

Spring, Showers, Babies and a Suicidal Cat

2009-02-05T10:54:00.004-05:00

It's time for Spring. I am ready. The last several weeks have been brutal. We lost our electricity for a day (nothing compared to others around here), I missed a lot of work and had to use my stinking VACATION time for it, we had tons of big branches falling off our trees and one that even damaged our gutters and broke a fence, I have had half panic attacks while driving on sheets of ice, I have nearly killed myself while walking to the car (slippery ice and pregnant do not go well together), and 5 degrees is just not my cup of tea. I cannot wait to see the first buds of our day lilies sprouting from the ground. That will be a happy day indeed!!

My baby shower has been scheduled for March 21. It's a little later than I would have liked, but apparently I have no other option. I also have a baby shower that my work is doing on March 20. It's just around the corner too, oh my!

Last weekend we had some very dear friends come up to help us get our nursery together. My husband's friends helped him paint the nursery and they put together some of our complicated furniture too. We now have the nursery well on the way to being finished. I just have to wait until AFTER my baby showers are over to see what all I will have left to buy. I am sort of freaking out about all of the stuff we are going to have to purchase. For instance, the breast pump I need is close to $300. And yes, I NEED it. Also, the travel system I need is going to be over $300. Babies are expensive, obviously. Alas, this is what I signed up for. I will post pictures of the nursery once I have more of it finished. I am bad about taking pictures. One of my "virtual friends" documented her entire pregnancy with photos. I keep meaning to, but eh...I always forget or don't feel like it.

One of our cats is giving us major problems. We do not want our cats out and about once the baby gets here (at least not at first). And believe me, our cats will most definitely try to get in the cradle/crib/bassinet and bother the baby. They are just those kind of cats. So our solution is to lock them in the utility room at night. Sounds harsh, but this room is 20'x12'. It's roomy and has toys, beds, food, water, litter in it. A nice little set up if you ask me. Well, not if you ask Butters. He hates it and meows ALL NIGHT when we put him in there. We are seriously thinking that if he doesn't get better we are going to have to have him put down (long story, but it is not cruel...ask my vet, this cat has major psychological problems and has for years). We are doing all we can to spare him. I even bought Feliway Calming Spray that is supposed to help with stressed out cats ($40 for a one month supply!). I have slept the last two nights with ear plugs in and even that can't stop the sounds of his howling all the way across the house through two closed doors. Obviously, I cannot sleep with ear plugs in once baby arrives. So if he doesn't learn to shut up, he may be out of luck. This is stressing me out to no end. We are trying EVERYTHING and it's quite ridiculous for me to be losing HOURS of sleep over a cat. It's also doubly ridiculous for me to be wearing ear plugs to bed. I hope that he can learn over the next few months to shut the hell up. So far I am thinking that Butters is on a suicide mission...and doing quite well. Last night I got so angry with him that I wanted to drop kick him. We ignore his meows, but sometimes I fantasize about strangling him with my bare hands. And I love my cats and Butters is (or was) my favorite!!! He's pushing me to my limits.

Scared

2009-01-23T09:07:00.002-05:00

I am getting really scared about having this baby. It's kind of hitting me that in just 3 months or so I will be going into labor and having a human being come out of my body. One that depends entirely on me for her existence. It's a little overwhelming.

#1 labor is REALLY scary to me. I have read enough birth stories to know that things can go smoothly or that they can go terribly wrong. There is no way to predict or plan for a great labor and that scares me. Will I be able to stand the pain? Will I have to be induced? Will I end up with an emergency C-Section? Will the baby be healthy? Will I poop on the table (yes it happens!)?? Lol...these are all things I think about. And the thought of that happening to me in just a few short months is really scary. I know countless women give birth every day, but not me. I don't know if I can do it but I have no choice. This baby has got to come out somehow.

#2 my life is going to change SO much once she is here. I like my life right now. I love my leisure time. I love my sleep, my naps. I love my lazy weekends with my husband. But all of that is going to disappear when baby comes. I am a creature of habit/routine and I like my routine now. When the "normal" gets messed up, I usually go into panic mode. I just don't know how I am going to handle a completely different life. Will I like it?

And that brings me to #3. Will I like being a mother? I already know that I love baby Jane. But I don't know if I love being a mother. I don't like kids. That is a fact. 95% of the time they annoy me to death. I think they are gross, ugly and bratty. What if having your own child ISN'T any different. Is it possible to think your own child is a gross, ugly brat? What if I am an awful mommy? I don't know the first thing about babies. I can't talk to kids without feeling really awkward. I don't know....my own mother was such a great mom. I can't possibly live up to her. I am already feeling sorry for my baby for having such a terrible mother.

I have a million other worries and "what if's".

What if I go into premature labor and she has to go to the NICU and ends up mentally retarded?
What if having a baby puts a huge strain on my marriage and Jeremy and I end up hating each other and we end in divorce?
What if we can't afford a baby?
What if we can't find suitable day care?
What if the baby has COLIC?
What if she dies during labor?
What if I die during labor? My miscarriage at only 6 weeks nearly killed me! How will labor be any easier?

I can think of more, but I will spare you.

This is how my stupid disfunctional brain works. My next post should be focused on only positive things. But for now, it helps to write it all out.

And I guess I should just stop all of this nonsense. All that matters is right now. Right now the baby has hiccups. She is doing great and kicking around. I love her already and all that matters is that she is healthy in the end. I still love being pregnant. I am grateful every day for the opportunity that not everyone gets. These worries of mine won't matter in the end.

Sometimes I just freak out.

Welcome 2009!

2009-01-02T20:40:00.003-05:00

As always, I am so glad that Christmas is over. I cannot stand the stress of this holiday. It wouldn't be bad if I could just spend it with my immediate family, but traveling to the grandparent's and the in-laws is close to torture in my book. Last year was bad. This year was even worse. Next year, baby Jane will make things so much better. I can't wait for her arrival.

I've been off work since Christmas Eve and I haven't really accomplished much of anything in the week and a half I've been off. I didn't really have any goals, so at least I haven't failed myself. Thanks to being pregnant, I can't really do what I would usually be doing around this time of year: shopping for new clothes, starting a new diet, and a new work-out routine. It's just as well...I will get to all of that when I lose this lovely weight I've put on. I worry a little bit about my weight from time to time, but I still think I look pretty good even though the scale says a number that I will never tell. It's only going to get worse. My appetite increase has hit me pretty hard in the last few days and I am betting it won't ease up for a while. I will be tipping the scales at a number that would send even a "plus-sized" supermodel into a suicidal panic by the time I give birth.

I am now 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Wow. I am very relieved. No matter what, we are having this baby girl. It would obviously not be ideal, but if she were born today she would have a fighting chance of making it with the help of a great NICU. And the term "miscarriage" is no longer a part of my vocabulary. Now they would refer it as a "still-birth" but that isn't going to happen, so I am feeling pretty good about it all. She's kicking me quite a bit although I have no prior pregnancies to compare it to. I will say, I just love it when she kicks, squirms, wiggles, etc. It feels so amazing. I just sometimes sit in awe that there is a little bitty baby LIVING inside my womb. It's just bizarre and amazing and wonderful. I still love being pregnant and me and baby are thriving. I sometimes feel I was just made to be pregnant. These hips of mine have a purpose afterall....

Once I go back to work things are going to go by fast. Only 4 full months to go until she gets here. We haven't started the nursery. A lot of girls on my April EC Board have already finished their nurseries. I need to sign up for childbirth classes, find a daycare/sitter, get my baby registry started, buy nursery furniture, and train my co-worker for when I am off on maternity leave. It overwhelms me, but it'll get done. I'm almost hoping that by the time she is ready to make her debut that I will be so miserably pregnant, I won't even care about labor. I worry about labor a lot. I know the end result is worth it, but still....come on. It's not a pleasant thing to think about. Especially since the moms on my expecting board who have already gone through labor are already discussing how much THEY dread doing it again. That isn't exactly soothing.

So DH and I got in a huge argument over the holidays. He left me the day after Christmas to go to a hockey game and see his friends in Nashville. I cried like a big baby...I knew I was being (somewhat) irrational, but I was scared to death something would happen to him. Despite my pleading, he went anyway and I was comatose/crying the entire time he was gone. I knew (sort of) that I was wrong and that I could have salvaged my day without him, but I just couldn't bring myself out of that anxiety. I can tell that I need my Zoloft. I will most definitely not go back on the drug until after I am finished breastfeeding, but sometimes I get that streak of panic and irrationality that comes with my anxiety/depression. (I guess I am actually doing pretty well without it though. I will give myself credit.) So the entire time that DH was gone, I worried about him. I texted him and called him pretty much every hour to make sure he was OK. In the end, he did NOT make it to my family's Christmas get-together the next day. I knew he wouldn't. So my next day was ruined too because I just don't feel like myself without him. He is my Zoloft for this pregnancy and he wasn't there so I just flipped out. I was a huge brat and in a horrible mood and really made a show of myself in front of my extended family. Oh well...I blamed my pregnancy "hormones". So...glad that's over and he is home OK. I don't know how I am going to handle his next trip away from me. I am going to pretend that he isn't going to leave me again, although I know I can't expect that. I just cannot deal with his absence in a rational adult manner.

NYE was boring. Well, it was OK. I finished "Breaking Dawn" that night. We had some appetizers, watched the ball drop...pretty much it. I really hate NYE though. There is so much pressure to do something and have fun. I'd rather do it in the summer when it doesn't get dark so damn early. That's when I will celebrate my "new year".

But 2009 is the year of my first-born child. It is finally here. I am so happy. We cannot wait to meet our baby girl. Yay!! I still can't believe it's really gonna happen.

It's a WHAT?!

2008-12-19T09:09:00.002-05:00

My instincts were dead wrong. I am having a baby GIRL!!! Clear as day, she has a labia. No baby penises for me, which is just as well because quite frankly, they kind of freak me out.

;)

So for now, we have a baby Jane, although name isn't set in stone. I am really excited and still kind of stunned.

I am just grateful that she is measuring right on target and looks like a healthy baby should at this point. She weighs 15 ounces. We got to see her yawn on the ultrasound, although I wouldn't have recognized it as that had the u/s tech not told us. We didn't get any good ultrasound pics because her little butt was right up behind my belly button and she wouldn't flip right. But she sure is moving around right now.

I am very grateful to be experiencing this. I love being pregnant.

The BIG day

2008-12-18T11:50:00.002-05:00

So I was supposed to get my big ultrasound on Tuesday, the 16th. It didn't happen. We happened to get a snow/ice storm the night before and my ob-gyn's office was closed on Tuesday. CLOSED. I was absolutely heartbroken/depressed/crushed all day on Tuesday. I cried the whole day. I had so been looking forward to that day and counting down to it. Nothing could console me.

Luckily, they rescheduled me for today at 2:30. So that leaves me roughly 2.5 hours until I get to finally find out what kind of baby I am having. I am so nervous. My main concern now is that they are going to tell me that the baby isn't healthy or isn't measuring according to where it should be around this time. My second concern is that this baby is going to keep its legs crossed the whole time and we won't be able to get the "money shot".

But oh I can't believe that in just a short time from now I might know what I am having. That will make this so much more real to me. I will finally be able to start calling the baby she/he and even give them a name! I will know if baby is growing according to plan and I will finally be able to start shopping for baby stuff. I might even relax for a week or so and stop worrying about every little twinge I get.

This is so exciting and yet terrifying at the same time!!! I can't wait. I just cannot WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!

The Coolest Thing EVER!

2008-11-12T14:47:00.005-05:00

I think I have been feeling the baby move for the past 3 days or so. I had been feeling the occasional tap-tap here and there for a few weeks, but it was very sporadic and intermintent. But since I hit the 16-week mark I have been feeling these definite little taps/flutters/rumbles/tickles. I am 95% sure that this is the baby. It usually occurs around the same time each day. Mid-morning around 9-10 and I usually feel it if I am sitting down and kind of leaning forward. It's as if baby is getting kind of squished in that position and s/he is trying to let me know.

If this is the baby moving, then it is the coolest thing I have ever experienced. It makes me smile just to think about it.

I sent my rented Doppler back about 2 weeks ago but couldn't stand not being able to hear the heartbeat. So, I rented another one (it's only $24 a month!) and got it today. Sure enough, the heart is beating away and now you can even hear the different chambers beating. Also, the baby was definitely moving. It sounds like a little blip on the Doppler when that happens. So I know for a fact that baby is alive and moving. That peace of mind means a lot.

I am so excited!! I can't wait for the kicks and punches to get stronger and I can't wait for my husband to be able to feel it.

In other baby news, we find out baby's sex on December 16. It seems like a lifetime away. I really want to know NOW. My instinct is telling me boy. Probably because that ultrasound tech already said it was a boy (ugh, I wish she would have kept her mouth shut on that speculation since it was way too early to tell!). But I also have other reasons to think it's a boy. Stupid reasons not based in science.

#1: I didn't have bad morning sickness. The old wive's tale is that the worse the m/s, the more likely it is to be a girl (proven wrong to me by countless women before, but....)
#2: This baby is already moving quite a bit. One person just recently told me that she was able to feel her first moving quite early in the pregnancy too. He was a boy. (But come to think of it, my mom thought my sister Kelly was a boy for the same reason.)
#3: Whenever I hear the heartbeat via Doppler I always say to myself, "he's still in there."

So, yes, my reasons are dumb and I am aware of that. But I am a little bit afraid that I will be DISAPPOINTED if it turns out to be a girl. I need to prepare myself for girl, but I really don't know how to do that.

If you saw the look on my husband's face when I told him the ultrasound tech thought it was a boy at 12 weeks, you would understand why I am hoping for a boy. (Not that he wouldn't love and be excited about a girl too, but...)

Obama is our next President!

2008-11-11T11:17:00.002-05:00

I'm not going to write anything hugely profound here. I just want to say that I am extremely happy that Obama won the election. I think it is a great thing that my first born child is going to be born into an Obama Presidency. Although McCain won by a landslide in my state, I am terribly happy that the other states were able to carry us to victory.

Hooray!!!!!!!

-from a liberal white girl living in rural Kentucky and often quite out of her element 'round these parts ;)

Oh man, I rock!

2008-10-30T10:04:00.004-04:00

I am getting a thimerosal-free flu shot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO RELIEVED. The pediatrician's office will let me get one of theirs. Oh man oh man oh man...

I am ELATED!

How funny. I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday stressing out over this. And I mean major stress. I researched on the internet all day. I dreamt about flu shots. I cried about it. I couldn't talk about anything other than this to anyone who crossed my path.

And it ended up working out. (Thanks to my hard work and a lengthy search.)

Same thing for child care. My mother is going to watch the baby until s/he is 8 months old. This means we have until next December to find a permanent babysitter/day care. I feel so much better about leaving my infant child with my own MOTHER than a total stranger. And maybe by the time the baby is 8 months old I will feel OK about moving them to the whole day care thing. Plus, that gives us more time to find someone we are comfortable with AND it means that the original babysitter we wanted may end up working out afterall. (As a sidenote, I did not pressure my mother into this. She is insisting that she wants to watch the baby. And I am insisting that I pay her. I am not a spoiled brat--well, I probably am, but I try not to be. I know I am incredibly lucky to have this opportunity for my child. I cannot pass it up.)

So, the lesson that I should learn from these two "stories" is that it will work out and I don't need to get all freaked out from the get-go. I should have more faith in myself and my ability to get things done. It does take work, but I can do it one phone call at a time. ;) How cheesy is THAT?!

I'm sorry. I'm just so damn excited about that flu shot. ;)

The Next Dilemma

2008-10-30T08:44:00.005-04:00

The flu shot. Highly recommended for pregnant women. Impossible to find thimerosal-free.

Thimerosal is mercury. It's that preservative they've been adding to vaccines for a long time. It's also controversial. You know...thanks to Jenny McCarthy, this has been put into the lime light in recent years. Autism is on the rise and a lot of parents blame their children's vaccines as pushing them over the edge into Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). It makes sense. But there have simply been no studies that show a link to ASD and vaccinations. It's all just speculation at this point. Kind of a mass hysteria if you ask me. The CDC will tell you that their studies do not link the two and the parents will tell you the CDC is only protecting their own interests.

And as a parent to be, it's kind of hard to know who or what to believe. I tend to lean towards the CDC. I like to think I am an optimist about our government and our country. I in no way believe that there is a mass conspiracy going on about these vaccinations (the government couldn't pull that off even if they were that evil). I truly believe that the doctors and scientists of our country are honestly looking for a specific link to autism. And I believe that they have not found the smoking gun. That's kind of scary.

So what do I do? Do I get the recommended flu shot? I want to. I feel like it is the responsible thing to do. If I do get the flu this season I will probably be in my third trimester. And pregnant women get more complications from the flu. If I get the flu, I could DEFINITELY be putting my child at risk. In fact, I just read that flu exposure in pregnant women is being studied as a link to autism! WTF?! So much conflicting evidence out there...

So here is what I know. If I do not get the flu shot I have a better chance of getting the flu. If I do get the flu, there is proof that it could really cause me some serious problems and possibly even harm the baby. If I do get the flu shot, I could still get the flu, although my chances are obviously lower. I would be exposing my baby to thimerosal, which some people say can be a link to autism. Some people say = they really don't know.

I am opting for the shot. My doctor recommends it. A lot of ob-gyn's require it. But to clear my conscience, I have searched high and low for a thimerosal-free shot. They do make them, but they are impossible to find. In fact, 7 states have imposed legislation that requires pregnant women to be vaccinated with the mercury-free version (not mine, of course). So they are out there. But nowhere near me. I have called TN, IL, IN, and all around KY. My own physican will not order me a thimerosal-free shot. Said they are too expensive (yeah $4 more per shot...oooh!!!).

I have one last call out to a pediatrician's office. They have the shots!! BUT, they will only give them to children 3 and under. I left a message with their office manager asking if they would be willing to give a pregnant woman one of these shots. Technically, my baby is 3 and under. Just not officially HERE yet....We'll see what they say. I doubt they will let me. They will probably recommend I talk to my regular physician about it. Gee, thanks. Already done that.

I am making parental decisions before I even know what the sex of my child is and I am finding that they are very hard. Child care and vaccinations are both really scary things to me. I just don't want to make the wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my life.

The problem is, you don't know if you are making the right decision and you never will. Even if my child ends up with autism, I have no proof that the flu shot I got while pregnant was the cause. No proof at all. I hate going on "faith". I want science. Guess that means I will be going with the CDC and getting my recommended flu shot this year, just as I always do.

I am just SICK over child care

2008-10-24T09:45:00.008-04:00

I knew the sitter was too good to be true. I knew something had to give. Well, it did. I called her today and she said that she was probably getting a baby in June and therefore wouldn't be able to help us out.

This sitter sounded like a DREAM. One of my friends recommended her to me. She cares for children in her home. 5-7 kids at a time and only one baby at a time. She would charge only $75-85 per week. And when I asked my friend if she could think of any complaints about this sitter, she sat there for a second and finally said, "No, I pretty much think she's perfect. I just wish she lived in my neighborhood." So I was pretty much stoked that I was gonna get such a good sitter who was trustworthy and HIGHLY recommended to watch my infant four days a week. Every question and concern I had about her my friend would quickly dispel with encouraging facts about the way she worked. I was so relieved about it all, since day care was one of my biggest concerns as a mother-to-be. It all seemed too good to be true. And I guess it was.

Now I am looking at day care facilities. Day Care Centers are awful. The best you can expect around here is six babies to one caregiver. And this one caregiver is someone you won't know anything about. I don't understand how one person can care for six crying babies at once and give them the personal attention they need. Jon and Kate couldn't even do that with their own six babies. They always had outside help...plus each other. I'm in extreme distress over this. My child is going to be put into a baby factory. Not only is my 8 week old child going to a place like this (pictured above is one of the best places in my town), but I am going to have to pay MORE. $60-80 a week more, in fact. PLUS, I have to fill out applications, pay an application fee and get on a WAITING list.

My sister worked at a day care facility not too long ago. She said that the baby room was very depressing. Babies were crying and the caregivers picked their favorites. They would just let the babies cry forever. She tells me that she would NEVER send her child to a place like this. And the same friend who recommended the sitter said that she has talked to people who have worked in day care facilities too. She said that they would often put babies in closets and close the doors because they wouldn't stop crying. Yet, this is my only choice. What else can I do? I can't quit my job. Jeremy and I depend on both of our incomes to pay our bills. Our house payment is just as low as rent would be too, so it's not like we could just downsize.

I don't guess our baby will have a very good start to his or her life. I'm already a horrible parent.

The Perfect Life

2008-10-23T10:23:00.004-04:00

I won't go into details, but a couple of my friends have been having some REAL problems in their lives lately. Not petty little "I can't afford a new TV" problems and "I hate my hair and my clothes" problems. But big stuff that is complicated and hard to solve. Stuff that makes me uncomfortable and at a loss for words and advice on what they should do.

This has sort of opened my eyes a little bit. I have the PERFECT life. I have NO problems. Simple as that. I am very grateful.

But I am not chalking my wonderful life up to complete luck (although I know some is involved). I have made the proper choices in my life that has led to me being in the situation I am in now. I am giving myself credit for my great life. I know I will not always be in such a blissful situation and that bad things will happen. But I also know that what does happen to me isn't going to be as crazy as some of the stuff that my friends are going through right now. Making the right decisions makes a big difference in your life and your level of happiness. So major kudos to me for being so smart. I thank myself.

What is the etiquette here?

2008-10-20T10:00:00.004-04:00

I am SO stressed out today.

About four months ago we signed an agreement with a local company (whose name I will not mention...yet) to install new windows in our home. This is costing us $4,000. This company told us it would take about 3 weeks before they got to our job. Yeah...this was four months ago. So today they decide they are going to install our windows. Called me yesterday to say that they would be at our house between 8:30 and 9:00. This morning at 8:15 I get a call from the company owner saying that one of his guys didn't show up. Now they want to store the windows in our garage and will only get to maybe 3 of them today. My husband waited for them at the house. The men who showed up are complete rednecks. Tattoos on their necks, all of them smoking, none of them will really look you in the eye when you speak to them.

And now these men are in my home. UNaccompanied. I am so nervous about this. It is making me sick. #1, they better not smoke in my house. #2, they better not leave cigarette butts in my yard. #3, what if they go through our stuff? What if they go through my files and get all of my personal information? I just do not trust them.

This is a reputable company that has been in our town for quite some time. But ugh...how am I supposed to trust these men? I mean, come on....NECK tattoos!!!!!!

I hate contractors. They are liars. They will say anything just to appease you in the moment and then turn around and do exactly the opposite of what they said. I don't know how to deal with this situation. I am not one to call and get all rude with them because they have the upper hand right now. They are in my home. I just do not like this at all. I really don't know what to do.

And just now I posted the same question on my ivillage message boards and the first response I got was one saying that they would NOT allow anyone unaccompanied in their house. This makes me feel even worse. I don't know what to do. I can't leave work and neither can my husband. I'm just stuck.

*************
Update: Wow...I think I kind of freaked out earlier. I don't know what came over me but I was just so stressed out over that. The solution was easy. I called the company's owner and talked to her about my concerns. She made me feel so much better. Said people will leave their keys with them all the time and even go on vacation while they are working. I know she HAD to say that, but she was definitely reassuring. She said that they wouldn't hire anybody if it was a concern.

I seriously think I freaked out due to hormones. I don't normally get like THAT. I mean, obviously I worry a lot, but that was an extreme case of weird-ness for me. Phew...I'm blaming the baby on that outburst.

Must Be the Pregnancy Hormones

2008-10-17T09:55:00.005-04:00

I say it a lot. I love my husband. He's the best. But I feel like I need to say it again today. I am so lucky to have him in my life. I didn't do anything to deserve a good marriage/husband. It's just dumb luck. I don't necessarily think I am a desirable mate. It's not like I have many really great qualities. I'm sometimes selfish, I am clingy, jealous, and I can be quite mean when I put my mind to it. But yet here I am, married to the perfect person for me. Not that we don't ever have our problems. Of course there have been some slumps. But I just want the universe to know that I am grateful. I want my husband to know that I am aware of the inequities in our marriage. I feel like I don't deserve him. He's too good for me. But I will take him and keep him and appreciate every moment I have with him.

I say this because I am currently in a state of panic over him leaving me for just one night. I don't know WHY I don't want him to visit his friends in Nashville. And it seems very petty and selfish of me to even tell him that I don't want him to go. Yet, I can't help it. I obviously am a chronic worrier and with me being pregnant, my fear of him dying or getting injured has increased tenfold. I don't want him to leave my sight. I'm scared. I feel very vulnerable. I know it may not be rational, but it's the way I feel.

I have no insightful closing. I am just feeling very lucky and very worried at the same time today and had to get it on paper.

Elation

2008-10-10T12:11:00.005-04:00

I've had a lot happen in the last several days. I am finally GIDDY about being pregnant.

Early Wednesday morning woke up to cramping, diarrhea and some SPOTTING. Needless to say, I completely panicked. I woke DH and he immediately agreed we'd go to the ER. So we did. I got there at the perfect time...5:30 a.m. Got right in and hardly had to wait at all. The internal exam showed no visible bleeding and a closed cervix, which was a good sign. But the best part of the visit was that they got me in for an ultrasound. WE SAW THE BABY he was measuring at 12 weeks with a heartbeat of 162. I say "he" because the ultrasound tech clearly saw a great picture where the baby's legs were spread wide open and there was definitely a little "thing" between his legs. It was amazing to see the baby moving around. I cried.

So I went to see my ob-gyn yesterday and he confirmed that everything looked great. Apparently, diarrhea can cause UTERINE contractions and I had an irritated cervix so that may be the explanation for the spotting. I haven't had any since, so that's a good thing. My doctor is amazing. He took the time to answer all of my questions (I had a list) and he tried to hear the heartbeat via Doppler. He couldn't find it, so I got another ultrasound. Baby was still there kicking and squirming away. So neat and so cute. I even got a picture this time. :)

Doctor did say that it is definitely way too early to call it a boy. So I have to erase the thought of a boy in my mind. I don't want to get attached to one sex too early.

Later that night I used my own rented doppler to search for the heartbeat and guess what? FOUND IT! I had a feeling I could.

Everything is great. I am happy is an understatement. I am starting to relax a little bit. I am starting to bond with baby. I love being pregnant!! Even though I am sick and tired, I am just elated to be where I am right now. I love maternity clothes, I love that I'm getting a thicker waistline, I love it all.

Baby stuff

2008-10-06T11:11:00.005-04:00

I bought my first maternity clothes over the weekend. I don't necessarily NEED them just yet, but considering that my fall clothes from last year are too small (yeah, they would be too small even if I had never gotten pregnant) I figured I might as well. I have 10 days to return the items, so if there is no heartbeat on Thursday and I find out the worst has happened, at least I will still have time to return these clothes. I bought the stuff from Motherhood Maternity. I am a bit surprised at how little time they give you to return the items. But their clothes are awesome. I mean, even if I wasn't pregnant some of the tops I got are just so cute. The "maternity look" is in anyway right now. Now I can finally participate. When I wasn't pregnant I just looked ridiculous in them. Now I feel all neat wearing maternity clothes. There is a certain freedom in wearing this stuff. You are allowed to be your own shape and that's nice.

So, in other news, I have my next prenatal appointment this Thursday morning. I am really nervous about it. They are going to try and hear the heartbeat with a fetal doppler. I rented one and have tried three times to hear the heartbeat on my own. Failed each time. That's a little disconcerting. But not entirely since I have read that this early on it is not necessarily a sure bet that you will hear it. My uterus is tipped and I do have a little extra padding, so I am hoping this is the reason for no heartbeat.

In my heart I feel like everything with the pregnancy is fine. This kind of scares me because if I find out it isn't, then I will be all the more devastated. We'll see...all I can do is wait.

I'm still feeling pretty icky. Most of the time I feel OK but I'm finding that I am always hungry yet never wanting to eat anything. Food doesn't taste good at all. I get headaches, heartburn, indigestion and fatigue. Ah the joys. I seriously wouldn't trade it. I love every second of each symptom I have. I've gotten lucky with the nausea/vomitting. Hardly any nausea at all and zero vomitting. So even though I really wanted morning sickness, it's a good thing I didn't get it and still have a hopefully healthy pregnancy.

And lastly, let me just say that my husband is a saint. I seriously don't know how I would make it without him. He has made a big breakfast for me (us) the last two Sundays and he has been cleaning the house too. He's just wonderful. Without him I'd be in big trouble.

tick tock tick tock tick tock.....

2008-09-30T14:23:00.003-04:00

I can't sleep at night. Yeah, my bizarre nap schedule has something to do with that, but mainly it is my brain. For some reason I get most of my worrying done right when I am supposed to be falling asleep. So, what's on my mind these days? A lot of it is petty, but still...this stuff bothers me and seems quite insurmountable at 1:00a.m.:

Baby's heartbeat: I rented a doppler and used it for the first time last night. I don't think we found the heartbeat, which is disappointing. I don't have a sinking feeling though. I still think I've got a live little being with a heartbeat inside of me. I just want to hear it. I will try again tonight, but I thought about my doppler techniques and ways to improve them all night long.
DAYCARE: Ugh. Andi's sitter will likely have an opening next August, which is just perfect!! It really is. But...I am gonna really have a hard time sending my itty bitty baby to day care and go back to work full time. And I do have questions about this sitter. I am sure she's good, but I just don't see how one person can care for 6-7 children at once when this includes 1-2 infants. And I don't even know how to interview a potential sitter/day care facility. I am in over my head here.
Am I gonna be one of those annoying soccer moms? Is my personality going to change when my child is born? I sure hope not. Because to me, there is nothing more annoying than those mothers who think that they are something special simply because they've given birth. They think their children are somehow special and better than the rest, when really they are just like every other little brat on the face of the planet. Uh oh...I am not sure that I really like kids. Or their self-righteous parents. Surely I will love my child, but I sure hope I don't forget to talk about other issues I am passionate about. I hope I will still have opinions on things other than the Disney Channel and the local school system.
We have a lot of CRAP in our house that we need to get rid of. Do I give it away or try to sell it? Jeremy's gonna be pissed when he hears that I want to get rid of that big boxy I take up way too much room TV in the study. But a lot of our stuff needs to go. Big deal right? Yeah, it is kind of overwhelming at 1:00 a.m. for some reason.
I am fat. And I am going to get fatter before I get thinner. I know being pregnant is a good excuse, but sheesh...I weigh too much. And I gained 20 pounds while TTC, which was a dumb idea. I am afraid of what people are going to say about me at 8-9 months pregnant. I just don't want people saying, "man she got HUGE" and comparing me to everyone else they knew who got pregnant and stayed pretty thin. I'm betting they will. I am gonna end up the size of a house. I hope this doesn't mean I will get pre-eclampsia or gestational diabetes. But at night I often worry about my weight. I haven't weighed myself on my own to see if I've gained anything since being pregnant. I'm sure I have, although I feel like I'm not eating a lot.
When is Home Pros gonna install our new windows? Seriously. We signed the contract 3.5 months ago. I know they are behind, but at what point do I start taking up for myself to make sure they aren't just putting us at the bottom of their list since we are so "nice" about it all.
And once they do install our windows we're gonna have to order new window shades from somebody. Ugh...Lowe's I guess. How much is that gonna cost? Wonder how long we'll go with zero window treatments...
I don't feel pregnant today. That is scary. What if we didn't find the heartbeat last night because there isn't one? What if the baby has died? What if the baby is alive but it's going to have some major birth defect? Then what am I supposed to do?!
What if I die during labor? What if my child dies during labor? I saw "A Baby Story" yesterday on TLC and the epidurals scare me. The entire process scares me.

As I get further and further into my worrying, the worries seem to get more outlandish and more ridiculous. It seems to snowball. In reality, everything is going to work out. It always does. So why can't I let it all go at night? Too bad you can't take Ativan while pregnant...that always helped me let it go.

Who needs a nap?

2008-09-23T15:04:00.007-04:00

My daily routine is in severe need of a shake up. I've become a complete loser in my adult life. I am glad I am finally knocked up because goodness only knows that I need something to hold me accountable for these "actions" of mine.

Let's take a closer look:
______________________________
4:30pm - get home, immediately change into more comfortable pajamas, unwind with a little Oprah

5:30pm - greet husband with wholesome hot dinner on the table

5:30 for real - greet husband with complaints of starving to death but too sick/lazy/tired to cook anything and nothing sounds really good anyway

6:00pm - Well, I guess Arby's would be OK. Make husband go get me Arby's or just eat a bowl of cereal instead

6:30pm - Food gone. Uncontrollable urge to nap begins to take over.

7:00pm - Can't fight fatigue anymore. Go to lie down in bed for just 30 minutes

8:00pm - Husband tries to wake me up. I tell him to go away. Come back in 30 minutes.

8:30pm - Husband tells me it's 8:30, I better get up.

9:00pm - Wake up and yell at husband for not making me get up. Watch TV until the post-nap coma wears off

10:00pm - realize I'm still watching TV and probably won't get much accomplished this evening anyway

11:00pm - make my way back to the bedroom

11:30pm - turn out the lights

11:30-2:00am - toss and turn because I can't sleep for some inexplicable reason

8:11am - hit snooze button for the 5th time and realize that I am late for work, as usual
__________________________________

So there you have it. Upon further reflection, perhaps my evening nap is a bit ill-advised. I just don't know how to get past that hump. If I don't take a nap, I am useless because I am so tired. Now I know some of you may say that I should just suck it up for ONE day and forego my nap to get myself back on a "normal" schedule. The only problem is, I can't even get to sleep at a proper hour on nights I don't take a nap. I am a night owl. (I even have a nightgown with the applique to prove it.)

So what do I do? I guess I should live up my napping days while I still can. I mean, supposedly once a baby comes this napping when I want to is out the window. (I'm still hoping my child will excel at napping as well as I do.) Well, I guess I know what I SHOULD do. Go on a walk or do yoga when I find that horrid fatigue creeping in. But man...where's the fun in that? I'm not very good at yoga anyway. I like to do things I excel at and napping is my specialty. What can I say, it's my gift.

So this is my struggle. My cross to bear. But somehow I carry on one day at a time. Just as long as I get that nap, everything will be OK.

Ooh, I might have a baby!!!

2008-09-17T13:08:00.004-04:00

I can feel the beginnings of a "baby bump" (yeah I hate that phrase). Isn't that cool? You can't tell, but I can. If I were about 30 pounds lighter it would be more pronounced. But oh how neat. My tummy is starting to get that little curve. Wow. Assuming that everything is still going fine in there, this is super neat news. Just really cool. Something I've never experienced before and I was always curious as to how the whole baby belly thing would work.

Saw a heartbeat and still in disbelief

2008-09-14T21:00:00.004-04:00

I can't really write much these days. I'm tired and I am sick (not your typical morning sickness, just a low grade icky-ness) and I am still worried a lot (surprise!).

But, we saw the heartbeat on Wednesday. DH went with me and we both got to see the little flickering heart. It was pretty neat. It was surreal, actually. Kind of like I was in a dream. I loved my DH's reaction. He said he was surprised that I didn't act more elated, but it's hard to jump up and down for joy when you've got a wand stuck up your nether regions.

But, I am super thrilled. Now I just need to focus on the 95% success rate with pregnancies that have made it to this point. I need to stop reading about girls who saw the heartbeat only to miscarry weeks later. I just need to stay off the internet altogether, I do believe.

I'm actually getting sick of my message boards. I am sick of analyzing everything to death. I am getting on my own nerves.

I am not attached to this baby as a "person" yet. I'm attached to the idea of a person, but this particular baby and I have yet to bond. I mean, I just can't picture me giving birth. I can't even imagine it at all, to be honest. I don't know if that already makes me a bad mother or not, but I don't know how I can feel for something the size of an olive at this point. I am still too on edge. Still too afraid that I won't be a mommy in April/May afterall. Some girls on the message boards said they feel really in tune with their baby to be. I don't understand that at all. Not yet at least. Some have their names picked out and their nurseries ready. What?! That seems a little premature to me. I'm not ready to invest that much. Not yet.

Occasionally I will get so happy and excited and nervous about starting my family, but it is short- lived. I'm protecting myself by not feeling too excited...but not really. It is too far away for me to really focus on it. Sometimes I feel like I am lying to people when I tell them I am pregnant. It seems too good to be true. So, for now I am just sort of stunned. Stunned is a good word for how I am feeling.

I know I should be on cloud nine 24/7. I thought I would be. But...yeah...just stunned. Wonder when it will all feel real.

But, wow. There is a beating heart inside of me besides my own. That is just INSANE. It's just unbelievable. It's just the best thing ever and the scariest thing ever and I just really can't believe it. Honestly. I don't believe it. And even though each day feels like a year, I just may be a mommy to a real live baby due May 1. Two days before I turn 30.

Whoa. Babies and turning thirty. It's too much for me right now.

I'm gonna watch Lost.

Waiting for Wednesday

2008-09-08T12:52:00.002-04:00

I've not been doing much of anything these days. I am a bit paralyzed, I suppose. I have a big ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday at 10:10 and I honestly feel as though I can't do anything until that is over.

It's a big one. If there is a heartbeat, then this pregnancy is likely to continue. If we do not have a heartbeat then I am betting a D&C will be scheduled so we can terminate the pregnancy. It's pretty scary. I obviously am hoping with every ounce of energy I have for a heartbeat, but I am trying to prepare myself for the worst.

In all likelihood there will be a heartbeat. In all likelihood, I am going to be having a baby in April/May. These are good thoughts, but I don't want to get too attached to this baby yet.

I'm waiting for Wednesday.

I Don't Feel Good

2008-09-01T21:08:00.003-04:00

I am pregnant. I believe it now. Because all weekend I have been sick, sick, sick. Not your stereotypical morning sickness. Just an all day horrible feeling that won't go away.

Yes, this is what I wanted.

Oh happy days!!

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go sit and stare at the walls some more.

I love (and fear for) my country

2008-09-01T20:17:00.006-04:00

I did not vote for Bush in 2000. I did not vote for Bush in 2004. And I will not be voting for Bush...er, McCain...in 2008.

I cannot fathom that McCain could possibly win this election. Yet, the polls are shocking me. If McCain wins I am going to go into an even deeper depression than I did when BUSH (oh my HOW did that happen?!) became president...TWICE!!! I may have to move.

Thousands of Americans have died in Iraq. We should never have been in Iraq in the first place. Yes, it is agreed that Sadaam Husein was a bad man. But this war was unnecesary. Now we are stuck there. Great. Now the rest of the world hates us. A lot of our allies are now former allies. I don't like that. I want people to be on our side. It scares me when they aren't. We can't be such egotistic fools to think that we can go it alone. How can that be protecting Americans from terrorism when the rest of the world hates us?!

Since Bush has been in office my health care costs have sky-rocketed. I pay more in taxes now than I ever have. Gas prices are through the roof. The value of my home is pretty much the same as it was when I bought it five years ago. My husband has gotten 1% raises and is lucky to have gotten anything at all. And this is just the stuff that has affected me. I've been pretty lucky, considering. I know the government isn't responsible for everything. But come on. Something needs to change here. We need to try a new tactic.

So why would I vote for more of the same? Why can't we try something new for once? I've heard of a lot of people who are only voting for McCain because he is pro- life. What?! THIS is their deciding issue?! Wow. Just...wow. And his vice-presidential nominee sounds like a complete right-wing conservative and that is simply TERRIFYING to me. Her 17-year old daughter is pregnant. So much for the whole teaching "abstinence" thing. Guess that doesn't always work. Maybe someone should have shown her a condom. Nah, that's just wrong to be condoning sex. Wouldn't want to put the wrong idea in her head.

I've also heard from people who say they just cannot vote for a black man, when they otherwise agree with his policies. This is hilarious. At least they are admitting their racism. Just let me stay away from those people, thank you very much. I mean, come on. I guess you don't believe all men (and women) are created equal. Nice. Just real nice there... Oh and by the way, he's half white. Guess you don't count that when there is a drop of black blood in him. Taints the whole thing, don't it? Sounds to me like we should be voting for Voldemort in 2008. PURE BLOODS ONLY, right?

I hate politics. I hate everything about it. I tried to ignore the democratic convention. I tried to not watch it. But I did. And O'Bama blew me away. He is so intelligent. I am not used to intelligence in office these days. I am used to blubbering idiots who have absolutely NOTHING in common with me. I think the only thing that Bush and I agree on is that...well...I don't know what we may agree on, politically. Oh man. Surely there is SOMETHING?!!!!

I sure hope O'Bama wins. I'm gonna have to go into hiding for a while if he doesn't, because McCain/Palin scares me to death. Sometimes I think I need to move out of Kentucky into a blue state.

There. I said my piece. I just needed to get it out of my system.

Is this for real?

2008-08-27T14:03:00.004-04:00

I'm still in a bit of a daze. I still don't FEEL pregnant. I still keep running to the bathroom in a panic thinking there will be blood. And it feels like a year ago when I found out I was pregnant. Nope. Only 1 week and 5 days. WHAT?! Only 1 week and five days?! That doesn't seem right. If I make it out of this pregnancy with a live baby in my arms it will be a true miracle. As of right now it feels as though I will die of a panic attack before I even make it to the first true ultrasound.

Actually, I am not freaking out as much as you might think. I am constantly sorta worried, but being pregnant after a miscarriage kinda does that to you. Today I went to lunch with our auditors from work and, of course, didn't mention anything of my pregnancy. Well, when I got back from lunch I started freaking out because I hadn't been thinking of being pregnant. I feel like if I am not thinking about it 24/7 then it isn't real or it will end.

Not very rational.

But I am having some good "symptoms" I guess. Heartburn, fatigue (this is so normal so I don't know if fatigue really counts), sore breasts, moodiness (aka wanting to slap my husband for no real good reason other than it would feel really good), and some other things I won't mention (you're welcome). Still no real morning sickness, although I feel generally yucky from time to time. Of course, even when I am not pregnant I feel yucky quite a bit. That's part of being a hypochondriac. OMG, pregnant and a hypochondriac. This is gonna be a long 9 months....

And yeah I am rambling, but it is 2 p.m. and I am literally seconds away from falling asleep on my keyboard. I need something to keep me awake and I just can't concentrate on work in this state.

OK. This took 10 minutes. Now what do I do with the next 2 hours and 19 minutes of my day? I am SO taking a nap when I get home from work.