Is this for real?

I'm still in a bit of a daze. I still don't FEEL pregnant. I still keep running to the bathroom in a panic thinking there will be blood. And it feels like a year ago when I found out I was pregnant. Nope. Only 1 week and 5 days. WHAT?! Only 1 week and five days?! That doesn't seem right. If I make it out of this pregnancy with a live baby in my arms it will be a true miracle. As of right now it feels as though I will die of a panic attack before I even make it to the first true ultrasound.

Actually, I am not freaking out as much as you might think. I am constantly sorta worried, but being pregnant after a miscarriage kinda does that to you. Today I went to lunch with our auditors from work and, of course, didn't mention anything of my pregnancy. Well, when I got back from lunch I started freaking out because I hadn't been thinking of being pregnant. I feel like if I am not thinking about it 24/7 then it isn't real or it will end.

Not very rational.

But I am having some good "symptoms" I guess. Heartburn, fatigue (this is so normal so I don't know if fatigue really counts), sore breasts, moodiness (aka wanting to slap my husband for no real good reason other than it would feel really good), and some other things I won't mention (you're welcome). Still no real morning sickness, although I feel generally yucky from time to time. Of course, even when I am not pregnant I feel yucky quite a bit. That's part of being a hypochondriac. OMG, pregnant and a hypochondriac. This is gonna be a long 9 months....

And yeah I am rambling, but it is 2 p.m. and I am literally seconds away from falling asleep on my keyboard. I need something to keep me awake and I just can't concentrate on work in this state.

OK. This took 10 minutes. Now what do I do with the next 2 hours and 19 minutes of my day? I am SO taking a nap when I get home from work.

Further Proof

Well, I had my first appointment with my new ob-gyn today. I was so nervous, but he really calmed my fears. He's also pretty good looking, so that doesn't hurt. Lucky for me, I am not one of those girls that gets all freaked out by him being "down there". I've never had any problems with that kind of stuff...heh heh...

So he could obviously tell that I was a complete worry wart and he offered to do an ultra-sound right there on the spot. I was so excited. We saw the gestational sac and the yolk sac (yes, I'm a hen), which is measuring right on target at 5 weeks. I am quite relieved to see that it is not an ectopic pregnancy and that everything is measuring right where it should be.

I go for my first "real" ultrasound on September 10. This is when we will hopefully see a heartbeat. This is the big hurdle for me. I think that if I see a heartbeat I will relax a little bit. Your chances of miscarrying AFTER seeing a heartbeat, are very slim. (Although I know of WAY too many women who this has happened to, and I simply cannot fathom how horrible that would be.)

But he said my progesterone levels were through the roof (good) and that my hCG was doubling and also at a great level (also good). HOWEVER, my numbers were good last time too and look what happened. Gosh, it's hard to ease the fears of someone who has been through a miscarriage. I don't know if it can be done.

So you'd think I'd feel better after a reassuring appointment. Even Dr. Wainwright told me to just relax and enjoy it because everything looks completely healthy. Nope. I'm even more scared now. I just can't be soothed.

But, yeah, I will admit that I am a little bit excited despite myself. And until September 10, I will be a basketcase.

Shock and Awe

I have started this entry and erased it about a dozen times already. So I am just gonna say it. I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am finally pregnant.

Yes, that is right. The one thing that I wanted more than anything in my life has happened again. And to say that I am excited and relieved is an understatement.

I found out last Friday. I was scared to death to take a test because I knew it was going to be negative and I was going to have to go through my weekend miserable and depressed. But some girls on my message boards convinced me to test, as well as my friend at work. So after I returned to work from lunch I told my boss that I was gonna run home and pick up something. Instead, I ran home and peed in a cup. The first test I used was one of those cheap internet test strips. At first only the control line came up and I just felt so defeated and stupid. Duh, of course it was negative. What was I thinking. So I paced the room a bit and came back to make sure. A second line was forming. I could see it. I freaked out. I was talking to myself saying, "that is a line, oh my god, that is a line!!" So for further verification I pulled out the big guns. The digital. I stuck it in my pee cup (lovely) and took the test to the car with me on my way back to work. The last time I took a digital it took a few minutes before it said NOT PREGNANT. Well, by the time I was backing out of the driveway, it said PREGNANT. I was in disbelief.

As soon as I got back to work I showed Andi. I was shaking like a leaf and sweating too. It was amazing. I don't quite know the feeling. It was relief and fear and elation all wrapped into one.

So, here I am one week later and still officially pregnant. I have had my first two blood draws and my hCG numbers are doubling as they should. But now that the shock has kind of worn off, I am starting to get scared to death. I said I wouldn't. I said once I got pregnant I would never worry again. Well, how can I keep that promise?

Now the fear of miscarriage is back and it has hit me hard. I don't exactly feel pregnant. Well, I have a few vague symptoms, but it just doesn't feel REAL. It didn't last time either. Last time I had perfect numbers from the blood work, I had a great exam from my gynecologist and everything was looking great. Nine days later and I was losing the baby. That was hard to take. And now I just cannot move past that fear of it happening again. I know the odds are on my side. (They were last time too.) I know that there is NOTHING I can do to prevent another miscarriage. However, I am too scared to get too happy about this. It's like I have one foot in and one foot out. I am not really ready to commit to this pregnancy. I keep telling myself that I am pregnant but that doesn't necessarily mean I will be having a baby in about 8 months. I want to prepare myself should the worst happen again.

Assuming it doesn't, I will be a mother on April 28, 2009. My mom's due date with ME was April 28. That is pretty cool. In fact, it's too cool for me to comprehend right now.

It's so funny how I go from one post bitching about not being pregnant straight to another post about how I am pregnant but just too scared to be truly happy about it. Wow, I really need to lighten up. It ain't easy, but I'm trying.

Half-Blood Prince

THIS is not good. I am so disappointed. I was so looking forward to seeing the new Harry Potter movie in NOVEMBER. And now they have moved it back to July 2009!!!! This means that the next season of Lost will be over with before I get to see the movie. Argh, that is a lifetime away.

Olympic Mania

I've been watching the Olympics like a crazy person these days. It's been giving me something to do, and it's been really fun to watch the swimming and the gymnastics. Go USA!

There is this one GM commercial that keeps coming on and the song in it is really good. I finally Googled it and found that it was: "The Story" by Brandi Carlile. Well, I just bought the whole freakin' album I love it so much. And it completely rocks...well it "rocks" in the folk-rock kind of way. Nevertheless....who ever said commercials were useless?

Should I have already heard of Brandi Carlile? Because, man...she's good! I'm usually late on this kind of stuff.

So 4 years from now I will probably have forgotten that Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals. I will forget about cheering when the USA team beat France at the very last second in the 4 x 100 meter freestyle relay. I won't remember how Dara Torres (yeah, yeah we know she's 41) just lost the gold by .01 seconds in the 50 free, or how I stayed up way too late watching Nastia Luikin and Shawn Johnson take gold and silver in the individual all-around gymnastics. But I bet I will remember this song. :)

"The Story" by Brandi Carlile

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops

Swam all across the ocean blue

I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules

But baby I broke them all for you

Oh because even when I was flat broke

You made me feel like a million bucks

You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth

It's hiding the words that don't come out

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed

They don't know my head is a mess

No, they don't know who I really am

And they don't know what I've been through like you do

And I was made for you

I'm Alone!

Well, DH is leaving today. He's spending an extended weekend with friends in Panama City, FL. Yeah, I'm jealous. So what? ;)

I already miss him and I don't want him to go. I know it's good for us, but I've been kinda clingy lately. To paraphrase "New Moon" he is the planet and I am the moon, so when he leaves I will be left rotating an empty space.

OK, I will stop being so dramatic. My husband is definitely no Edward Cullen. ;) heh heh...

It's just that I really miss him when he's not home with me. And I worry about him doing something retarded and getting hurt or something. With the company he's keeping I think I have a little right to be a little uneasy.

Actually, I probably don't. He has the best friends in the world. I've always been a little envious of that.

But regardless, I hope I can stay busy while he's away. And I hope I don't worry too much. I need to learn to stop worrying about things I have no control over. In 29 years, I've made no progress on that.

Back to the Drawing Board

Well, it's official. I am finally back to where I started before I went on Weight Watchers FIVE years ago. I guess I did pretty well. I kept off a lot of the weight for 5 years. Not too bad. But now it's back. And I am fat again. I just can't seem to get motivated anymore though. I know that if I went back on WW that it would work. I know this. And I can do WW for like a week and lose a pound or two. But then I get lazy and quit. I think a lot of it has to do with wanting to be pregnant. In the two-week wait when I am having one of those I must eat everything in sight days, I think that maybe I am pregnant so I should go ahead and eat. This attitude has given me about 15 extra pounds on my frame since I started TTC 6 months ago. And another part of me thinks that I am just going to be pregnant soon anyway so what's the point of losing weight now? Why not just lose it all after the baby is born? I guess maybe that's a good sign. Me thinking or assuming that I will get pregnant soon. But no. In six months all I have to show for myself is a fat ass and stomach with no baby in there to blame. Plus, when I finally do get pregnant I don't want to gain more than 15 pounds! I can't have this attitude if I am going to achieve that.

I really don't know what to do. The advice I've been given is to concentrate on the weight loss and then I'll be pregnant before I know it. But that's hard. I want a baby more than I want to be thin. I guess today is the first day of my diet. But I say that a lot.

Nobody Cares About Your Stupid Dreams

Even my dreams are negative. Last night I dreamt (or is it dreamed??) that I got my period and my boss asked me if I had come to terms with never becoming a mother. I told him, "No, I will always try" as I was crying. I woke up in a cold sweat.

BFP but not for me

I must be a masochist of sorts. Every day I go to three different TTC Boards on ivillage to see who got pregnant. I've made a lot of good e-friends on these boards and I just like to stay in touch. Well, today as I was checking the "I'm Pregnant" sections I ran across THREE newly pregnant girls. Guess what? They all got pregnant their first month of trying. Good for them. Good for them.

No one ever said life was fair.

BUT DAMMIT THIS MAKES ME ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN WAITING LONG ENOUGH TO GET PREGNANT. WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! WHY WON'T IT HAPPEN?!

why?

This and That

I don't know where to begin. Weekend good. Massage bad. Sister ruined ovulation. I mean, how can I explain? I can't. Too convoluted.

So let me just say this. I am mad at my womanly cycles. This month things are totally out of whack and I don't know what to make of it.

I cannot possibly see how I am going to get pregnant this month. I have no idea when or even if I have ovulated. That's it. I quit. I just quit.

***********

In other news, I am excited about starting the new Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. Well, it isn't so new...but it's new to me. I read Twilight in one day. It was pretty addictive. I am going to try my hardest not to read the second book so fast. I swear, I was reading so long that when I finally finished and stood up I was dizzy. I had to lie down on the cold kitchen floor because I thought I was going to faint. Heh heh. I guess I was sitting in the same position for too long. Made me nauseous. Anyway, is it wrong that I am in love with Edward Cullen, a 17 year-old vampire?

And since we are on the subject of "media" let me just say that I was blown away by Heath Ledger's performance in The Dark Knight. I thought everyone was sort of building him up just because he died. They weren't. He stole the show. It is so tragic that he died. It really gets to me for some reason. I know he was just some actor that didn't have anything to do with me, but still...his death really bothers me. Maybe because he was my age.

Oh and parts of the next Harry Potter film are going to be filmed in 3-D for Imax. I am super, super, super, way too excited about that. On the previews for The Dark Knight they had just an audio of Dumbledore (Michael Gambon) speaking and I quite literally got goose bumps.

So at least I am keeping busy. Do I get credit for doing things OTHER than thinking of babies? I think I deserve credit. I am trying so hard to be positive/happy/not depressed. Kudos to me. ;)

Fear & Loathing

I'm sad again today. Yeah, you guessed it. It's about not being pregnant. I was doing really well this week, but not today. I am wondering why some people get pregnant so easily. Why haven't I? Why why why?? I'm really discouraged. I am feeling as though it will just NEVER happen. I know the statistics say that on average, it can take a couple 6-12 months to conceive. But that isn't what I am seeing on my message boards. I am seeing a lot of 1-3 month-ers posting BFPs on the boards. I should probably stay away from them, but I am shamefully addicted. And seeing that stuff just makes me feel so abnormal. So sterile, infertile, barren....whatever. Sometimes I really hate myself. I'm really angry. I'm mad at myself, mad at the gods, mad at all of those anonymous pregnant women in the world. I feel like throwing a fit.

Well, I am trying to be normal. I have a massage scheduled for 3:30 today and DH and I are going to spend the weekend in Louisville on a mini holiday. Plus, I have continued to stay on my 100mg of Zoloft daily. I am hoping that in doing these things I can "relax" enough to actually get pregnant this month. But I know I should just be doing these things for the sake of doing them. Not with some ulterior motive involved.

I am betting I won't get pregnant this month either. Anyone care to make a wager??

Ugh. I hate myself.

Template

Yeah, I keep changing the layout. I think I like this one though. It's easier to read. I am debating on whether or not to put a picture of myself up on this site. Hmm.....decisions decisions....