I would really like to talk about myself for a minute. And what better place to do that than on your own blog?!
I got my hair cut. Really quite short. I like it and I dislike it. I mainly like it. I will almost totally like it after it's grown about a quarter of an inch longer.
I had another episode of spotting (first one led to an ER trip) with this pregnancy. An ultrasound yesterday showed that things are going well. I am still so early that we couldn't even see a heartbeat or a fetal pole/aka what will become your baby). But everything is as it should be right now and that is very encouraging. I am feeling sick. That awful pregnancy feeling and it is EXACTLY like what I had with Jane except I didn't get this way until later in the first (technically second) pregnancy. It's this gross feeling and you think eating will help it go away. It's not nausea but I do feel gaggy. It's heartburn and stomach churning and some weird feeling that can only be described as pregnant. It's not cool. I am hoping it doesn't get much worse or otherwise I am going to be a pretty pathetic mom. I already feel guilty because I am sort of in my own world and neglecting Jane. I mean, to the outside I'm not, but I am really not giving her my all. And she deserves that.
Speaking of Jane. She is PRECIOUS (what, you didn't know?). And happy. And talking up a storm. And she has all of her bottom teeth now. And I didn't know this until I counted them in a picture I took of her crying (heh heh). She won't let me SEE her teeth, even when we are brushing. She went to her first half-day at the sitter's house and did very well. I am still exceedingly nervous about it. She goes back on Tuesday for another half-day and then will be fulltime one day a week thereafter. SCARY!!!! When I got to Miss Marie's house to pick her up she cried when she saw me. I kind of thought she would. But apparently she did very well and didn't cry once while I was away. She ate all of her breakfast (bless her little heart) and she played with the other kids and she danced up a storm. She was starting to get sleepy when I got there. She saw me, cried, took her Dora lunchbox that was nearby and said, "take Dora wit me, go home" and then she walked to the front door with her lunchbox and waited for me. Now that broke my heart. Into a million little pieces. I know she had a good time though. But she was ready to go home. Poor baby. I hate leaving her with somebody I really don't know. It makes me feel impotent. It just doesn't feel natural. I really like my job and I really like working part-time, but times like these I would quit if I could.
I know what my next baby girl is going to be named and I love it so much. I am dying for this baby to be a girl. And I know that since I said that, it will be a boy. I thought Jane was a boy for a while and I was actually disappointed when we found out she wasn't. Ha! Disappointed to get my sweet baby Jane?! Crazy! Anyway, even when we thought Jane was a boy, we still didn't have a name picked out. I do not like a single boy's name. I can't find one that gets me excited. Jane got me excited. We knew a girl would be Jane from the get-go. Just like I know my second girl will be Kate. (Katherine). Ah, I really love it. It really makes me excited. Jane and Kate Skinner. Come on. Two strong, classic names. So, whether it's this baby or not, my next baby girl will be Katherine (called Kate) Skinner. If I have a boy, he may be nameless until he's old enough to pick his own name.
We (read my husband) are doing a lot of work on the house right now. We got it raised (foundation stuff) last week so now we are filling in drywall cracks and painting. A big project, although it sounds fairly boring and straightforward. It's not. Logistically speaking it's kind of a nightmare. Only one of us can do the work while the other has to get Jane out of the house. Guess it's back to Grammaw's. She's getting kind of sick of us. We're hoping to have the house ready by Jane's birthday party (April 23). We have to buy a grill, new patio furniture, paint the house (almost every room), do a bunch of yardwork, and get Jane's swingset up and running in a matter of a few weekends. It's daunting. But I think we can do it. Um. Maybe not, actually. I don't know. It's stressing me out because my husband doesn't want me to help painting. I trust him, but I trust myself better to do the painting where the wall meets the ceiling. I have a steadier hand. Oh my, I forgot I wanted to powerwash and restain the deck. I don't think that one will get done in time for the party. :-/
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
She's Come Undone (sorry Wally Lamb...loved your book by the way!)
I knew this would happen eventually. I just didn't know when and under what circumstances. I have officially lost my mind. I am a total basketcase. A complete emotional trainwreck. I'm flipping out. I'm crying uncontrollably. I am feeling like a panic attack would be a welcome escape from the place I am at the moment.
Pregnancy hormones, denying Jane the opportunity to nurse, having to put her in the care of a complete stranger for 1-2 days a week, plus stopping my Zoloft cold turkey (Yes, again. What's that saying? Ah, yes -- the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results.) have given this girl all she can handle. She's flipped her lid.
Yes, I'm still pregnant. That is great news! Isn't it? I don't even know because my brain is so fried I can't even comprehend the fact that I am pregnant. Apparently, the hormones are raging. I was a cool cucumber (so not) when I was pregnant with Jane. What is with the crying now?! I may have been a chronic worrier, but at least I didn't have to deal with the crying last time.
I've weaned Jane. Or am weaning. I'm not sure if you can say it is past-tense yet. But she will never nurse again. Bring on the waterworks. This is very emotional for me. I know I nursed her long enough. I am not feeling guilty over that. But when she looks at me and tries to take my boobs out of my shirt and cries, "Mommy miiiilk" it really breaks my heart. I want to give her comfort. Now I just give her a reminder that mommy is mean and doesn't love her enough to give her that comfort. She's actually doing remarkably well with it, but occasionally she will slip and ask for milk and when I remind her it is all gone, she whimpers and I have to choke back the tears. Tonight, since I am already in the most fragile state of my life, she saw my cleavage (lol, I know, this sounds weird) and she started crying and said, "mommy hold hand". I lost it. Right there in front of her I started the ugly cry. Then she got very concerned that mommy was crying so she kissed me and got up in my face and said, "hi, hi" like she was trying to take my mind off of crying. And the final blow was when she said, "mommy STOP crying, momma stop crying!". I finally did. It took great effort on my part. I was scaring her. :'(
And now on to what I think is the main part of my breakdown: child care. My mom no longer wants to watch Jane 2 days a week (just one...I think/hope). Jeremy is not going to be able to watch her on his normal day for about 6 weeks. This means the dreaded "outside caregiver" must come into play. I am not mad at my mother. Really. She has been watching Jane since she was an infant for FREE. I knew this day would come. But I was in major denial. We've met with a woman who I think might work. I guess it's really a good deal. She charges $25 a day (I won't tell her I'd pay her $100) and will watch Jane whenever we need her to. Any day of the week. She watches 3 other kids full-time and has a few other "drop-ins" (that is what Jane will be dubbed) on any given day. She is nice. I met her in the park last year and struck up a conversation with her. But I still don't know her. Yes, I got references, but...I just don't have trust. (I am faithless in everything.) I am scared out of my mind about Jane's food allergies. And when I get in the presence of a potential caregiver, I lose my sense of self. I freeze. I don't know what to ask. I don't know how to be normal. I get chatty. My sentences get choppy. I mess up my tenses. I become completely stupid. My tongue gets in my way for crying out loud! I forget to be Jane's advocate and am just really concerned with the fact that if I show any doubt in her maybe she will be mean to my child. I've already run through my mind where I can place a hidden camera in her house so I can make sure she isn't giving the children hard-boiled eggs willy nilly. I seriously have. I thought I could maybe hide one in my diaper bag and strategically place it somewhere I can get a sneak peak. How crazy is that?! Will I really do it? No. (I don't guess so, damnit) I find myself downplaying my fear over her food allergies when really I should just tell this woman that I am scared to death about Jane eating something she's not supposed to and having a horrible ER-neccesary-trip-inducing reaction. She did assure me that it would be no problem to keep Jane's food that I bring from home to just Jane. I just need her to tell me exactly why that is the case. I must get up the strength to ask her for a second interview. After I call every reference on her list, that is. (heh heh...I am such an idiot, I told her we probably wouldn't even need the references). I'm so scared I might offend a possible caregiver. How can this be good parenting? It's not. I'm lame and weak. And spineless.
We went today for our first "interview" but it was during kid hours so it was kind of hard to speak to her at length about any one topic. Jane seemed to like it OK. The kids were really interested in her and had her cornered at one point. Not being mean, but overly embracing of her. She got spooked. Came over to me and said, "go home". Turn dagger in heart another rotation.
Yeah yeah yeah, I stopped my Zoloft. Again. Why? Because I can handle it. I'm pregnant anyway. I don't need it. I totally didn't have a complete panic attack today and call my mom sobbing uncontrollably, "pleeassee.....come.....over....I...can't...breathe". I'm so able to deal with this on my own. That's why I stopped my Zoloft. Cold turkey. For the billionth time in my life. I learn from my past mistakes buddy! You better believe it!
Lastly, one final thing I feel the need to mention is that my body is disgusting. I should have lost all of my excess bagagge (I look like the saggy baggy elephant) before I got knocked up again. Now I feel as if I've passed some kind of critical point and there is no going back to even a halfway decent body. I will never again have a body that won't make me want to vomit and say, "What is that disgusting thing!? Can't be me! What?! That is ME?! Oh my GAWD, kill me now!" again. This second pregnancy will for sure send me spiralling into stretch marks, which I somehow avoided the first time around, and an oddly disappearing lumpy, dented ass for all eternity. Don't laugh. It's not even funny. If you laugh I will cry and I don't know if I am capable of stopping.
Pregnancy hormones, denying Jane the opportunity to nurse, having to put her in the care of a complete stranger for 1-2 days a week, plus stopping my Zoloft cold turkey (Yes, again. What's that saying? Ah, yes -- the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results.) have given this girl all she can handle. She's flipped her lid.
Yes, I'm still pregnant. That is great news! Isn't it? I don't even know because my brain is so fried I can't even comprehend the fact that I am pregnant. Apparently, the hormones are raging. I was a cool cucumber (so not) when I was pregnant with Jane. What is with the crying now?! I may have been a chronic worrier, but at least I didn't have to deal with the crying last time.
I've weaned Jane. Or am weaning. I'm not sure if you can say it is past-tense yet. But she will never nurse again. Bring on the waterworks. This is very emotional for me. I know I nursed her long enough. I am not feeling guilty over that. But when she looks at me and tries to take my boobs out of my shirt and cries, "Mommy miiiilk" it really breaks my heart. I want to give her comfort. Now I just give her a reminder that mommy is mean and doesn't love her enough to give her that comfort. She's actually doing remarkably well with it, but occasionally she will slip and ask for milk and when I remind her it is all gone, she whimpers and I have to choke back the tears. Tonight, since I am already in the most fragile state of my life, she saw my cleavage (lol, I know, this sounds weird) and she started crying and said, "mommy hold hand". I lost it. Right there in front of her I started the ugly cry. Then she got very concerned that mommy was crying so she kissed me and got up in my face and said, "hi, hi" like she was trying to take my mind off of crying. And the final blow was when she said, "mommy STOP crying, momma stop crying!". I finally did. It took great effort on my part. I was scaring her. :'(
And now on to what I think is the main part of my breakdown: child care. My mom no longer wants to watch Jane 2 days a week (just one...I think/hope). Jeremy is not going to be able to watch her on his normal day for about 6 weeks. This means the dreaded "outside caregiver" must come into play. I am not mad at my mother. Really. She has been watching Jane since she was an infant for FREE. I knew this day would come. But I was in major denial. We've met with a woman who I think might work. I guess it's really a good deal. She charges $25 a day (I won't tell her I'd pay her $100) and will watch Jane whenever we need her to. Any day of the week. She watches 3 other kids full-time and has a few other "drop-ins" (that is what Jane will be dubbed) on any given day. She is nice. I met her in the park last year and struck up a conversation with her. But I still don't know her. Yes, I got references, but...I just don't have trust. (I am faithless in everything.) I am scared out of my mind about Jane's food allergies. And when I get in the presence of a potential caregiver, I lose my sense of self. I freeze. I don't know what to ask. I don't know how to be normal. I get chatty. My sentences get choppy. I mess up my tenses. I become completely stupid. My tongue gets in my way for crying out loud! I forget to be Jane's advocate and am just really concerned with the fact that if I show any doubt in her maybe she will be mean to my child. I've already run through my mind where I can place a hidden camera in her house so I can make sure she isn't giving the children hard-boiled eggs willy nilly. I seriously have. I thought I could maybe hide one in my diaper bag and strategically place it somewhere I can get a sneak peak. How crazy is that?! Will I really do it? No. (I don't guess so, damnit) I find myself downplaying my fear over her food allergies when really I should just tell this woman that I am scared to death about Jane eating something she's not supposed to and having a horrible ER-neccesary-trip-inducing reaction. She did assure me that it would be no problem to keep Jane's food that I bring from home to just Jane. I just need her to tell me exactly why that is the case. I must get up the strength to ask her for a second interview. After I call every reference on her list, that is. (heh heh...I am such an idiot, I told her we probably wouldn't even need the references). I'm so scared I might offend a possible caregiver. How can this be good parenting? It's not. I'm lame and weak. And spineless.
We went today for our first "interview" but it was during kid hours so it was kind of hard to speak to her at length about any one topic. Jane seemed to like it OK. The kids were really interested in her and had her cornered at one point. Not being mean, but overly embracing of her. She got spooked. Came over to me and said, "go home". Turn dagger in heart another rotation.
Yeah yeah yeah, I stopped my Zoloft. Again. Why? Because I can handle it. I'm pregnant anyway. I don't need it. I totally didn't have a complete panic attack today and call my mom sobbing uncontrollably, "pleeassee.....come.....over....I...can't...breathe". I'm so able to deal with this on my own. That's why I stopped my Zoloft. Cold turkey. For the billionth time in my life. I learn from my past mistakes buddy! You better believe it!
Lastly, one final thing I feel the need to mention is that my body is disgusting. I should have lost all of my excess bagagge (I look like the saggy baggy elephant) before I got knocked up again. Now I feel as if I've passed some kind of critical point and there is no going back to even a halfway decent body. I will never again have a body that won't make me want to vomit and say, "What is that disgusting thing!? Can't be me! What?! That is ME?! Oh my GAWD, kill me now!" again. This second pregnancy will for sure send me spiralling into stretch marks, which I somehow avoided the first time around, and an oddly disappearing lumpy, dented ass for all eternity. Don't laugh. It's not even funny. If you laugh I will cry and I don't know if I am capable of stopping.
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| Look, it's ME! |
Monday, March 21, 2011
Spring has Sprung
I've known since last Thursday that I am pregnant. Wednesday night I took a test and I swear I saw a line if I held it to the light at an angle just so. I sent my husband out for a digital and took it the next morning. Verdict: PREGNANT. I've since taken about 8 more tests just to be sure. They are all positive.
It's a weird feeling to be pregnant again. I didn't think it would happen this fast. Yes, we were trying, but I was sure it was going to be another long journey. And I am just barely pregnant. We're talking not even a week, so I know it can end in a bad way, but I am hopeful it will not.
So, if all goes well, Jane will be a big sister (to a baby sister, I hope) on or around November 29, 2011. Oops, I picked out our health insurance this year under the assumption I would NOT be having a baby. Oh well, c'est la vie.
Yes, I am very excited. I am just a subdued excited because I know from past experience how these things can turn ugly in the blink of an eye. My first pre-natal appointment is April 13. If I hear a heartbeat that day I will get super excited and freak out. Until then, I am taking care of myself the best I can and am eating up every moment of Jane's existence and loving my life for TODAY.
(in all honesty I'm obsessed with my lack of symptoms, my fear of miscarriage, and wondering how I am going to survive pregnancy with a toddler who is pure energy from 7 to 7, fretting about childcare, Christmas with a new baby, etc.).
Yeah, it's nice to say I'm living in the moment. I'm TRYING to!!!!! I promise.
It's a weird feeling to be pregnant again. I didn't think it would happen this fast. Yes, we were trying, but I was sure it was going to be another long journey. And I am just barely pregnant. We're talking not even a week, so I know it can end in a bad way, but I am hopeful it will not.
So, if all goes well, Jane will be a big sister (to a baby sister, I hope) on or around November 29, 2011. Oops, I picked out our health insurance this year under the assumption I would NOT be having a baby. Oh well, c'est la vie.
Yes, I am very excited. I am just a subdued excited because I know from past experience how these things can turn ugly in the blink of an eye. My first pre-natal appointment is April 13. If I hear a heartbeat that day I will get super excited and freak out. Until then, I am taking care of myself the best I can and am eating up every moment of Jane's existence and loving my life for TODAY.
(in all honesty I'm obsessed with my lack of symptoms, my fear of miscarriage, and wondering how I am going to survive pregnancy with a toddler who is pure energy from 7 to 7, fretting about childcare, Christmas with a new baby, etc.).
Yeah, it's nice to say I'm living in the moment. I'm TRYING to!!!!! I promise.
I'm on Mars!
It's been a while since I've written anything. I've mainly been enjoying life with little to no drama. Jane is growing up at a too-fast pace and she is talking and carrying on conversations. It's amazing to me the difference a year makes in a little one's life.
Right now she's obsessed with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (MMC). Now, before I had kids I swore I wouldn't let them sit in front of the TV all day. And, I don't. But, she does watch like at least 1 hour a day and it's always MMC. I try to cut down but sometimes I need to get something done (like eat dinner in peace) and this is the only thing that will appease her. One of the shows she's seen MANY times is "Goofy on Mars". She now pretends that she is on Mars all of the time and that she has fallen in a hole (as Goofy did). It's pretty neat to see her play make believe. She runs around saying "I'm on Mars! I'm on Mars!" She has also played doctor (like Daisy Duck) and asked her Minnie Mouse doll, "whatsamatter? tummy hurt? nose hurt? right dere? all gone!" So, while I know TV viewing isn't the best, it has enabled her to play make believe in a way that she did not do before this obsession.
Yes, I still adore her. Yes, I still love being her mother. She amazes me every day. She turns 2 in one month. Bittersweet!
Right now she's obsessed with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (MMC). Now, before I had kids I swore I wouldn't let them sit in front of the TV all day. And, I don't. But, she does watch like at least 1 hour a day and it's always MMC. I try to cut down but sometimes I need to get something done (like eat dinner in peace) and this is the only thing that will appease her. One of the shows she's seen MANY times is "Goofy on Mars". She now pretends that she is on Mars all of the time and that she has fallen in a hole (as Goofy did). It's pretty neat to see her play make believe. She runs around saying "I'm on Mars! I'm on Mars!" She has also played doctor (like Daisy Duck) and asked her Minnie Mouse doll, "whatsamatter? tummy hurt? nose hurt? right dere? all gone!" So, while I know TV viewing isn't the best, it has enabled her to play make believe in a way that she did not do before this obsession.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
My Jane update
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| Jane surrounded by her adoring aunts and Mommy. |
[And, by the by, for everyone who told me that co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding would make my child "weak" and co-dependent: suck it! Yeah, that's right. YOU were wrong. I was right. I told you so! ha ha ha]
Since Jane is so social and always wanting to go play with the "babies", we have also enrolled her in a Mommy-and-Me dance class for toddlers 18-36 months. I am a little nervous about it, and we haven't started classes yet (we will next Monday). It's incredibly expensive. $40 a month plus all the initial equipment, including tap shoes. Yes, tap shoes. I thought that was a little over the top for an 18-month old, but she absolutely loves her tap shoes. And I don't have her enrolled in dance because I want her to be a dancer. I am only doing this because she needs more socialization. I figure once baby #2 gets here (no, I am not currently pregnant, nor am I trying) we will have to stop these extracurricular activities due to money and time constraints. She can play with baby brother/sister then. Of course, if SHE wants to be a dancer, I will do everything my middle-class income allows to make that happen.
She is not only social, but extremely caring. She always worries when she sees other people crying. If she hurts herself and cries she will come and kiss ME. She hugs me and acts upset when I cry (I don't often cry but I will fake cry to illicit a hug...guilty). The other night we saw a Haitian baby who was crying and suffering from Cholera on the nightly news. It was heartbreaking. Jane couldn't get over it. She kept pointing to the TV well after the story was over and saying "baby?" in a caring voice. She was very upset at seeing that baby cry. Gosh, that moment made me so grateful I have a healthy child and sick for those who do not.
So Jane is just the greatest. She's amazing. She's wonderful. She's absolutely adorable. I love her with every breath in my body. She is the love of my life. I coudln't imagine my life without her.
Yada yada yada. :)
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