Thanksgiving? I think not.

Last Saturday was the first time in a long time that I have truly been depressed. This sounds terrible, I suppose, but I felt sorry for myself for so many reasons. I was sick of being grateful for what I have. Sick of trying to be positive. The old me was shining through and I embraced it. I cried, I pouted, I yelled, I threw things. It was kind of fun, to be honest. I missed several days of my anti-depressant and self pity ensued.

So instead of always focusing on what I do have, let's see what I don't have:

1. So many of my friends have gorgeous homes and nice furniture. Sometimes I hate my house. My furniture is crap. Most of it isn't even real wood. I need a new dresser and a new couch but can't afford either one. How is it that girls my age have this much disposable income?

2. I'm fat. It's true. According to the charts I need to lose 25 pounds before I am acceptable. This is depressing. This makes me sick. This makes me ANGRY and despondent. For the rest of my life, I will struggle with my weight. I will be fat and I will also be the only girl who is eating carrots for lunch while everyone else is eating hamburgers and fries.

3. I'm not particularly pretty. And I've always wanted to be beautiful. This also sucks big time. It's supposedly not about looks, but being beautiful would certainly ease my pain a bit.

4. I'm supposedly good with money, but this is a falsehood. I owe approximately $30,000 to debtors right now and that does not include my home.

5. I want to have a baby but I'm probably going to have another miscarriage anyway. So why should I look forward to being pregnant?!

OK. Those are just some of the reasons I was feeling sorry for myself. I know this is a terrible, terrible way to be, but sometimes I get sick of trying so hard to focus on the positive. Yes, I know that my life is better than 99% of the world population. Yes, I know that I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, I know that saying these things makes me a bad person. But I am innately a negative person and sometimes it just has to shine through.

So, back on the anti-depressants with a vengeance. Because, apparently, this is no way to be. Karma will probably bite me back for saying all of this anyway...I'm sure I'll get what's coming to me eventually.

Holidays = no friend time = chore

I'm pretty excited about the holidays coming up. Usually I am not. I don't know why because family gatherings are always pretty excrutiating for me. My immediate family is the best. I love seeing them, of course. But when we include grandparents that I barely know and the in-laws things start to feel more like a chore than a holiday. Why can't it be acceptable to spend the holidays with your friends too? It would be a lot better to go to my friends' homes for Thanksgiving and actually feel thankful and gracious as opposed to going to my grandparent's home and sit awkwardly with a pounding headache caused by all the fake smiling. I love my friends and I am grateful for them. I love being with them. Why do they get the shaft at Thankgiving and Christmas? I know my friends better than I know ALL of my extended relatives. Yet I don't buy them Christmas presents. Instead, I have to ponder what Uncle Vernon who lives 200 miles away might be able to use? Socks? A tie? And this just makes me angry. Why do I have to buy somebody I do not know a gift when my best friend and I don't even exchange gifts. I would actually get some pleasure out of sending her a gift. But I can't because I have to spend my limited money on a relative who is going to hate what I buy them anyway.

So, this year I want all my friends to know that although I won't be seeing you for the holidays, my heart is with you and I wish that I could ditch some of my family obligations instead.

Cheers!

My new favorite thing

These new Zip 'n Steam bags from Ziploc are the neatest little creations I have found in a long time. And no, they are not paying me to advertise. But I saw on "The Biggest Loser" where they were cooking salmon in the MICROWAVE and thought I would try it. I am always scared of cooking fish, but it took 3 minutes for two salmon filets and they turned out perfectly. Plus, I've been steaming all sorts of veggies and potatoes and it they turn out really great. I highly recommend these if you hate to cook like I do. It's just so easy and very fast.