I don't know if this is my "depression" showing her ugly face, but I am feeling kind of inadequate lately. Maybe it's lack of sleep. I know that can trigger depression.
But those thoughts that I used to get into my head are coming back and it always stems from comparing myself to someone "better than me".
In comparison to the best:
I am fat
I am unattractive
I am poor
I am a bad mother
I am not spectacular in any shape or form
These are those negative thoughts that come into my head and have been since I was in the 4th grade. I really hope they go away soon because I would like to stop feeling sorry for myself, especially considering how happy I am in my life. I am so happy and yet these thoughts continue to plague me.
Sigh...I really hope I can get a few nights of sleep this week. I would enjoy feeling put together again.
Monday, November 16, 2009
In today's news about ME...
I got 4 hours of sleep last night. If it's not Jane it's the cats (and I am ready to strangle them both to death with my bare hands). If it's not that, it's me. My insomnia has started up again and I can't do anything about it. No drugs are allowed since I am still breastfeeding AND co-sleeping. During the day I am SOOOO tired but at night for some reason I just can't sleep. It is infuriating.
I can't figure it out either. I am probably one of the happiest people on the planet. It's not like I am going to bed and worrying like I used to do. I am content. I am next to Jane. Maybe it's just the anticipation of her waking up, which she still does several times a night, sometimes for up to two hours. Last night (or this morning) it was at 4 am. I finally got her back to sleep by singing to her, but then in walks Butters and meows his loudest meow twice in a row, thus waking her up. I got up, shut our door and got her back to sleep again after another 30 minutes. Then that damn cat pawed on the door, which doesn't latch closed all the way, and woke us up AGAIN when the door clicked open. If he was within my reach I swear I really would have strangled him. To death.
Anyway, I guess I can count on sleeping when I am dead. Or when Jane is 13.....
I am really loving my 3-day work week. I am at work BORED TO TEARS right now, so obviously things are going well. I work my butt off when I am here and boy is it amazing how efficient I can be when I put my mind to it. I am seriously asking for a raise at the first opportunity....I figure they can afford it since I am saving them roughly $25,000 a year by going part-time and still doing the SAME job (which used to be 2 jobs until I said I could do them both). And, yes, I am bragging. ;)
Overall things are going very well. I love my little life.
As for bad news, I broke my camera by dropping it in to the bathtub. Jane was taking her first "big girl" bath and I got too crazy with the picture taking and she slipped and fell on her back, covering half of her face with water. I dropped the camera in the water to pick her up. At least I know I would save Jane before my camera. ;) She was fine, by the way.
I also lost my wedding ring. I never really cared much about any dumb ring and quite frankly I find girls who brag about their rings quite nauseating. But I guess I would like something halfway decent (I just don't want to pay for it). Right now I have on a $12 band from JC Penney. Silver. DH lost his ring years ago.....
I guess that is all for "news".
I can't figure it out either. I am probably one of the happiest people on the planet. It's not like I am going to bed and worrying like I used to do. I am content. I am next to Jane. Maybe it's just the anticipation of her waking up, which she still does several times a night, sometimes for up to two hours. Last night (or this morning) it was at 4 am. I finally got her back to sleep by singing to her, but then in walks Butters and meows his loudest meow twice in a row, thus waking her up. I got up, shut our door and got her back to sleep again after another 30 minutes. Then that damn cat pawed on the door, which doesn't latch closed all the way, and woke us up AGAIN when the door clicked open. If he was within my reach I swear I really would have strangled him. To death.
Anyway, I guess I can count on sleeping when I am dead. Or when Jane is 13.....
I am really loving my 3-day work week. I am at work BORED TO TEARS right now, so obviously things are going well. I work my butt off when I am here and boy is it amazing how efficient I can be when I put my mind to it. I am seriously asking for a raise at the first opportunity....I figure they can afford it since I am saving them roughly $25,000 a year by going part-time and still doing the SAME job (which used to be 2 jobs until I said I could do them both). And, yes, I am bragging. ;)
Overall things are going very well. I love my little life.
As for bad news, I broke my camera by dropping it in to the bathtub. Jane was taking her first "big girl" bath and I got too crazy with the picture taking and she slipped and fell on her back, covering half of her face with water. I dropped the camera in the water to pick her up. At least I know I would save Jane before my camera. ;) She was fine, by the way.
I also lost my wedding ring. I never really cared much about any dumb ring and quite frankly I find girls who brag about their rings quite nauseating. But I guess I would like something halfway decent (I just don't want to pay for it). Right now I have on a $12 band from JC Penney. Silver. DH lost his ring years ago.....
I guess that is all for "news".
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Who am I?
I'm becoming a bit of an idiot. Pregnancy killed a lot of my brain cells. Sleep deprivation and adoring my daughter have killed off a lot more. I am not clever anymore (despite what you may believe, I used to think I was at least a little bit clever). I cannot gets words on to paper and get them to sound the way I want them to. I can't write what my brain is thinking because my brain is thinking, "duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" most of the time. I am a bit of a moron these days.
I don't really have a personal identity anymore. I am Jane's mommy and quite frankly I like it that way. I think my entire personality is in the process of changing. My likes and dislikes, my views of the world: all in a state of flux.
It's just weird what becoming a parent has done to me. I am not a very good friend anymore. I wasn't ever anyone's "best friend" but I could at least coherently carry on a conversation that wasn't about Jane. Now, not so much.
I used to look at children and truly be disgusted by them. I actively disliked them and I thought even less of their annoying parents. Now when I see a kid crying I think, "aw....they must be so tired, poor baby". WTH?! What has happened to me? I am now the most annoying parent on the planet. Three years ago me would have wanted to slap now me in the face.
Now I could say that I don't like the "new me", but that is wrong. I don't really care about the "new me". All I care about is Jane. This does sound unhealthy and I know I won't always be this way (will I?), but when you are nursing a baby you have this physiological connection to them. It's chemical I tell you. I can't really explain it, but even when I am wishing for some personal time alone and away from Jane I know in my heart that my body cannot take being away from her for any extended period of time.
Case in point: my husband and I's (is I's proper grammar?? no, probably not) best friend got married over the weekend. I love this guy. I want nothing more than to be at his wedding and enjoy myself and wish him and his bride the best. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave Jane behind for fear of messing up her delicate little sleep routine and I didn't want her to miss me two nights in a row. I didn't go to the rehearsal dinner. I did go to the wedding but much of the time was spent fighting a splitting headache caused by the stress of leaving Jane behind (like 10 minutes away with Grammaw).
It's just weird right now. Parenthood is just crazy weird. It changes you even when you are kicking and screaming swearing up and down that you won't become that parent. Still, you do. You eat your words every day and you love it too.
I don't really have a personal identity anymore. I am Jane's mommy and quite frankly I like it that way. I think my entire personality is in the process of changing. My likes and dislikes, my views of the world: all in a state of flux.
It's just weird what becoming a parent has done to me. I am not a very good friend anymore. I wasn't ever anyone's "best friend" but I could at least coherently carry on a conversation that wasn't about Jane. Now, not so much.
I used to look at children and truly be disgusted by them. I actively disliked them and I thought even less of their annoying parents. Now when I see a kid crying I think, "aw....they must be so tired, poor baby". WTH?! What has happened to me? I am now the most annoying parent on the planet. Three years ago me would have wanted to slap now me in the face.
Now I could say that I don't like the "new me", but that is wrong. I don't really care about the "new me". All I care about is Jane. This does sound unhealthy and I know I won't always be this way (will I?), but when you are nursing a baby you have this physiological connection to them. It's chemical I tell you. I can't really explain it, but even when I am wishing for some personal time alone and away from Jane I know in my heart that my body cannot take being away from her for any extended period of time.
Case in point: my husband and I's (is I's proper grammar?? no, probably not) best friend got married over the weekend. I love this guy. I want nothing more than to be at his wedding and enjoy myself and wish him and his bride the best. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave Jane behind for fear of messing up her delicate little sleep routine and I didn't want her to miss me two nights in a row. I didn't go to the rehearsal dinner. I did go to the wedding but much of the time was spent fighting a splitting headache caused by the stress of leaving Jane behind (like 10 minutes away with Grammaw).
It's just weird right now. Parenthood is just crazy weird. It changes you even when you are kicking and screaming swearing up and down that you won't become that parent. Still, you do. You eat your words every day and you love it too.
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