I've been following a lot of new mommy-blogs lately and I am amazed that there is this whole blogging world out there that I had no idea about. People are "branding" themselves and their blogs as some sort of marketing/media thing. I find that weird. There are buttons, contests and give-aways, reviews and post-themed days (Wordless Wednesday seems to be a popular theme)... A lot of these blogs are very good, funny and insightful. I love glimpsing into others lives and finding where we are the same (and often very different). I'm amazed at how witty your "average mom" can be. There are some really good writers out there!
Anyway, now that I've come across this mommy-blogging world, I was at first tempted to join in and market myself. Get as many followers as I could. Do my own button. Get my own "brand".
But then again...nah...I guess I will just stay as is. I was never one to join in on things.
I'm pretty sure posting multiple posts a day, as I often do when I am at work, is not proper blogging etiquette. So I apologize to the blogosphere and the handful of people who read my blog. I have never told many of my friends about my blog (only the ones I really like), so there is something freeing about being able to type what you want. This is my diary, but you also have the added bonus of other people (many whom you do not know IRL) reading. So you sort of feel like someone out there is listening to you. It kind of validates your feelings in a way. It's a good release. And since I am not exactly a private person, I don't mind sharing pieces of myself this way.
You will never see any reviews or give-aways or theme-days on my blog. But I'll keep on posting my little posts and rants and brags and enjoy myself thoroughly, thankyouverymuch.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
This Too, Shall Pass...and That Ain't Cool With Me
I hate the saying, "this too, shall pass". Because people say it like it's a positive thing. We should be living the moment instead of waiting for it to pass.
***
I am not religious. As in, I do not believe in God. This always surprises people (well most people) since I am such a "good Christian girl". I am not really spiritual either, but in my past when I was trying to get all in-tune with the world and myself I got into Buddhism. There were two times in my life when I was really into being present, and I remember those times with such fondness. The reason I turned to Buddhism was because I was miserable, as often happens when someone turns to religion. I didn't like the reincarnation factor about Buddhism or any other of the real religiousy stuff, but I loved the whole mindfulness thing. Being present in each of your moments is a hard task to accomplish. You have to actually work at paying attention to NOW. It's easy to reminisce about the past or think and worry about the future. But actually paying attention to what you are doing NOW isn't easy. The two times I really worked at mindfulness, I can remember with such clarity. I remember the way the trees looked. I remember the smell of the air. I remember it all so well (and I have a horrible memory). And each of the two times I got really into it, something wonderful happened.
First time, I was in high school. My grandmother had just died. I hated my friends. I hated the social aspect of high school. I was sad all of the time. Just absolutely miserable. That was when I learned to let it all go and just be me (thanks to the help of the book "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach). By being aware of what was going on, it helped me to just live instead of fret over who was my friend, what I was wearing, who I was (or more appropriately wasn't) dating. It felt really freeing to just live. I ditched the friends I hated. I didn't make more, but I also didn't feel so trapped. The next year I went to college and that was the best, most liberating time of my life, to date.
Second time, I was in college. I had just been dumped by my first real boyfriend. The one I thought I would automatically marry. I was devastated. For a good 3 months I moped (and stalked, but that's a different post). Again, I turned to Buddhism. I bought a bunch of books and concentrated on the present. I decided just to live and see what happened instead of lamenting my luck in romance. Not a month later, I met my husband. And I really think had I not been aware, I would have let him slip through my hands. I wouldn't have noticed the boy who sat behind me in French class. I would have been worrying too much about what had happened and what should have happened instead.
So now that I am completely happy and in love with my little girl I am finding that I am already wishing for the future. I am always like, well when she stops teething and when she starts walking she will sleep better. When she's 18 months we can do this. When she's 3 years old we can do that. I need to start learning to be present and enjoying our lives NOW because pretty soon I will be wishing this time back and realizing that I was not fully present. I want to remember this time the way I remember the other two times in my life when I was practicing mindfulness. With CLARITY.
So, with that in mind, I am going to re-read some of my Buddhism books. I love the theory of it all. It makes so much sense. You don't know what tomorrow brings. The past is over. So all you have is today. Better learn to be present and aware. So simple and yet so hard to truly practice.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
UglyFatSleepDeprivedBlues
So....
I'm not depressed.
But I'm something.
(Maybe chronically sleep deprived.)
I just feel a little off lately. The warmer temperatures really helped me last week but it's been cloudy the last few days and that makes me sort of morose. Glum. Down.
It probably really is sleep deprivation. Amazing how after a good night I feel so jubilant. But we haven't had a good night in a week or so. Jane got her first cold two weeks ago. The first night she couldn't breath at all so I had to sit with her in the rocker all night long. I got maybe an hour of sleep and Jane didn't fare much better. But the night after that she slept probably 6 hours IN A ROW. I was floored. I woke up at 3a.m. out of habit and couldn't fall back to sleep until 5ish due to the fact that I just knew she was going to wake up any minute. So, her good nights are so few and far between that I am so shocked by them that I can't sleep when they occur. Catch 22 I guess.
But Jane's cold lasted like 1.5 days and she recovered so well. She's a healthy little thing! And now she's really starting to try and walk more so that has destroyed what little progress we were making on her sleep. She has no off switch and will try and get up in the middle of the night. Last night it was nearly every hour. It's like I'm parenting an infant. Oh well. I wouldn't trade her for a good sleeper because then she wouldn't be my JANE anymore.
I'm also feeling that kind of icky way you feel when you know you are fat but you don't want to deal with it but it keeps coming across your mind anyway. I caught a glimpse of myself on our computer camera the other day and before I recognized it was me, I thought, EW she doesn't look so good. I'm really W I D E. Barf. So I am starting a jogging program even though I hate jogging and always have even when I was really thin (for me) and fit in my mid 20's (how is it that my mid-20's are already over?). And really I need to watch what I eat because I could work out all day and not lose a pound. My diet really determines whether I lose weight or not. I know this. Yet, I keep eating. I went to bed hungry last night and that is what I have to do in order to lose weight. So, it's a start.
I am also in desperate need of a hair cut, new clothes (Nothing fits me. It's either too small or too big.), and a mani/pedi. My husband the other day wanted to, um...do it, and my first response was, "what is wrong with you? I'm hideous. Something must really be wrong with you if you want to have sex with ME!"
So after writing my blog, I am now convinced I am suffering from a case of the "I'm Ugly, Fat and Sleep Deprived Blues". At least now I know.
So my plan of action to combat my UglyFatSleepDeprivedBlues:
I'm not depressed.
But I'm something.
(Maybe chronically sleep deprived.)
I just feel a little off lately. The warmer temperatures really helped me last week but it's been cloudy the last few days and that makes me sort of morose. Glum. Down.
It probably really is sleep deprivation. Amazing how after a good night I feel so jubilant. But we haven't had a good night in a week or so. Jane got her first cold two weeks ago. The first night she couldn't breath at all so I had to sit with her in the rocker all night long. I got maybe an hour of sleep and Jane didn't fare much better. But the night after that she slept probably 6 hours IN A ROW. I was floored. I woke up at 3a.m. out of habit and couldn't fall back to sleep until 5ish due to the fact that I just knew she was going to wake up any minute. So, her good nights are so few and far between that I am so shocked by them that I can't sleep when they occur. Catch 22 I guess.
But Jane's cold lasted like 1.5 days and she recovered so well. She's a healthy little thing! And now she's really starting to try and walk more so that has destroyed what little progress we were making on her sleep. She has no off switch and will try and get up in the middle of the night. Last night it was nearly every hour. It's like I'm parenting an infant. Oh well. I wouldn't trade her for a good sleeper because then she wouldn't be my JANE anymore.
I'm also feeling that kind of icky way you feel when you know you are fat but you don't want to deal with it but it keeps coming across your mind anyway. I caught a glimpse of myself on our computer camera the other day and before I recognized it was me, I thought, EW she doesn't look so good. I'm really W I D E. Barf. So I am starting a jogging program even though I hate jogging and always have even when I was really thin (for me) and fit in my mid 20's (how is it that my mid-20's are already over?). And really I need to watch what I eat because I could work out all day and not lose a pound. My diet really determines whether I lose weight or not. I know this. Yet, I keep eating. I went to bed hungry last night and that is what I have to do in order to lose weight. So, it's a start.
I am also in desperate need of a hair cut, new clothes (Nothing fits me. It's either too small or too big.), and a mani/pedi. My husband the other day wanted to, um...do it, and my first response was, "what is wrong with you? I'm hideous. Something must really be wrong with you if you want to have sex with ME!"
So after writing my blog, I am now convinced I am suffering from a case of the "I'm Ugly, Fat and Sleep Deprived Blues". At least now I know.
So my plan of action to combat my UglyFatSleepDeprivedBlues:
- getting a haircut on Thursday
- starting my jogging program (day after tomorrow, I promise!)
- eating less, especially no more late night snacking
- buying some new clothes (I have no idea when I am going to manage to go clothes shopping for myself. Never?)
- getting a mani/pedi (I will never do this. No time and can't justify the expense)
- getting Jane to sleep better (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...)
Vacation 2010
Spring has sprung. Or close enough. I am thrilled that winter is over. It looks like for the foreseeable future, we are staying in the 50's or higher and that makes me smile.
I've booked a vacation to Destin for late May. Did you hear me? I said I booked a VACATION! I am SO EXCITED ABOUT IT!!!!!! Our first vacation with our one-year old (sweet, precious) baby girl. Now, maybe we are crazy, but if we are, I am in denial about it. Because I think this trip is going to be the best ever. My parents are going and so is my youngest sister, so we have built-in Jane adorers and babysitters. Destin is not your cheapest beach destination, but my parents have offered to pay 90% of the condo bill. So, almost a free trip, 3 babysitters, my favorite beach, no plane rides, and SUN. I couldn't ask for anything better. Just thinking about it makes me get all tingly.
I really hope that Jane can at least tolerate the sand and water. We will be staying directly on the beach (basically) so if she gets too hot we can easily go inside or up to the amazing pool, which has a kiddie section to die for. I love the condo where we are staying. In fact, the picture from the top of my blog is the view from one of their rooms. We've stayed there twice before and really love the place. Beautiful rooms, perfect location, 2 awesome pools, never too many people, crystal clear water, white sand, excellent restaurants, and just the right amount of "touristy" for my blood.
My husband and I in 2005 (I think).
Oh boy, talking about it makes me excited. I can't wait to buy Jane some bathing suits, sand toys, and all of that other beach gear.
Only downfall is that *I* am going to have to get in a bathing suit. I haven't gained any weight, (Surprising, really. You should see what I eat!) but I haven't lost either (Not surprising. Just yesterday I ate an entire box of Girl Scout cookies). I'm trying to cut down on what I eat and now that it's warmer I can go walking more. But I should really kick it into gear if I want to look halfway respectable. Problem is, I have kind of accepted the fact that I will be this big so that isn't much for helping with motivation. No way I could lose 30 pounds by the end of May (in a healthy way) but I could lost at least half of that...maybe... See. I'm not very determined.
If anyone has any pointers or tips on beach traveling with a little one I'd be happy to hear them.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Keeps Getting Better
Whenever she hears somebody laughing, which is quite often in our house, she will mimic our laughter. It is hilarious. She doesn't know what she's laughing about and she isn't really into it, but she does it anyway. It's almost like she's being sarcastic. "huh ha hu hu hu. This is what you sound like Mommy. You sound so dumb!" She will even do it if she hears laughter on the TV. She's nuts. When she "talks" she will sometimes do it out of the side of her mouth like she's Popeye. She clicks her tongue and blows raspberries if she gets bored. She can say "hi" and "bye-bye" and has started waving (like all the time, even if it's not necessary). She likes to raise her hands over her head and go "aaaaah, boom!" and throw them down to the floor.
And I can't wait for more. I am really going to enjoy watching her grow up. And I am also going to enjoy being the MOMMY of a little kid and not just a baby.
*I am in denial about the terrible 2's (or 3's). She won't be bad. I can tell. ;-)
Monday, March 1, 2010
I'm a Bad Neighbor, A Petty Person, and Come to Think of It, Nobody's Friend
We have very nice neighbors. Last Spring and Summer when we are all outside we talked to them a bit, but we aren't overly friendly. I don't know their last name. I know their FIRST names though, which is a big improvement from the way we (DH and I) used to be. That house has had many (OK, three) renters come and go and we never took the time to get to know most of them, although they have all been very nice families. We are quite honestly, bad neighbors. Until now, we were childless and had nothing in common with the people who live not 10 yards away from us. We've been invited over a few times by the neighbors across the street for barbecues, parties, etc. I NEVER WENT. Not once. Now those neighbors have moved away and we are left with an empty house and the fear that insane, crazy people are going to move in. I curse myself for not being friendlier to the prior neighbors. I have a very hard time making friends and putting myself out there. So much so that I can't even stop by their house for a party simply because I am the most socially awkward being alive and afraid of ________. I don't know what I am afraid of. Seriously. I'm really bad. What's maybe even EXTRA embarrassing is that 3-4 of the neighbors on our street seem to be good friends and are always out talking to each other and visiting each other's houses. We just keep our heads down, go inside and shut the door (or we did pre-Jane). Nice. Now, I will give myself a little bit of slack because those friend-neighbors all have children around the same age. Maybe that is how people "bond". ??
So, most of our neighbors are great people.
******
Well, there is one exception. Thered-necks people humans ones across the street and over one house. Yeah, don't like them so much. They are the ones who set off fireworks all night long on the 4th of July...or NYE...or just any time it's considered semi-OK to shoot fireworks. They are the ones who have people coming and going all the time. You never know who lives there, who is squatting there and who is just stopping in to buy some drugs (I am 100% positive the dude who knocked up the 16-year old drop-out that lives there is dealing.). They are the ones who have a pit bull who gets lose and literally kills other neighbors' dogs and who lock this dog up in an itty bitty cage outside (mandated by the City after one of the attacks) to bark all night long. Actually, I think after the latest killing, that dog was put to sleep. At least I hope so. May he rest in peace. (smirk) They are also the ones who have cops stopping by probably twice a month. I'm pretty sure the entire neighborhood hates them. Well, I know for a fact the entire neighborhood hates them (since Jane has been born I have ventured out and had a few conversations with our neighbors...just for fun.) One time they put up a "For Sale" sign and we were all so happy, but they never sold. Probably because the house is in a state of disrepair. Boo.
******
ANYWAY.
Now that the house across the street is up for sale I am constantly checking out the cars who stop by to look. Do they look nice? Do they play loud music? Do they have kids? Are they trashy? I am completely judgmental. I am terrified we're going to get awful neighbors. But I vow to be nice to them. I vow to introduce myself to them and bring them "welcome to the neighborhood cookies". I am really going to try to be better about it. Because it would really be nice to have friends, you know.
Speaking of friends, my husband and I have been in this town (my HOMEtown) for nine years and have ZERO good friends here to show for it. My husband is just as bad as I am, if not worse. He has yet to make any friends at all. I at least have made some friends at work (although my closest work friend is moving to Nashville in June). But we don't have any close friends. And I can't tell you why other than I guess we are petty people who don't know HOW. We find major flaws with 99% of the people we have met. We are in a decent sized town, but there just isn't much here. We don't know where the educated people (who don't just want to recruit you to their church) hang out. I took Jane to the park a week ago, hoping to find some "mommy friends" but everyone there was just complete trash. Seriously, they were smoking around their kids and that is one of my MAJOR pet peeves. You don't do that. I had to leave just to get out of the direct line of the second-hand smoke (which I am allergic to, for the record.) There was one family there that looked really nice. I gave the mom some "come hither" smiles and was nice to her, but no numbers were exchanged. I don't know how to "court" when it comes to friendship.
I am baffled by those who have many friends. Maybe I should take the hint. Maybe I don't have friends because *I* am the one who is crappy. If that's the case, it's a shame, because there ain't no changing me now. (For the record, I used ain't to be cute. I don't say ain't. Seriously, that's just improper grammar people.)
I guess my only hope is that we are forced into it by Jane. I hope that as she gets older and into activities we become friends with some of her peers' parents.
Is that the way it works?
So, most of our neighbors are great people.
******
Well, there is one exception. The
******
ANYWAY.
Now that the house across the street is up for sale I am constantly checking out the cars who stop by to look. Do they look nice? Do they play loud music? Do they have kids? Are they trashy? I am completely judgmental. I am terrified we're going to get awful neighbors. But I vow to be nice to them. I vow to introduce myself to them and bring them "welcome to the neighborhood cookies". I am really going to try to be better about it. Because it would really be nice to have friends, you know.
Speaking of friends, my husband and I have been in this town (my HOMEtown) for nine years and have ZERO good friends here to show for it. My husband is just as bad as I am, if not worse. He has yet to make any friends at all. I at least have made some friends at work (although my closest work friend is moving to Nashville in June). But we don't have any close friends. And I can't tell you why other than I guess we are petty people who don't know HOW. We find major flaws with 99% of the people we have met. We are in a decent sized town, but there just isn't much here. We don't know where the educated people (who don't just want to recruit you to their church) hang out. I took Jane to the park a week ago, hoping to find some "mommy friends" but everyone there was just complete trash. Seriously, they were smoking around their kids and that is one of my MAJOR pet peeves. You don't do that. I had to leave just to get out of the direct line of the second-hand smoke (which I am allergic to, for the record.) There was one family there that looked really nice. I gave the mom some "come hither" smiles and was nice to her, but no numbers were exchanged. I don't know how to "court" when it comes to friendship.
I am baffled by those who have many friends. Maybe I should take the hint. Maybe I don't have friends because *I* am the one who is crappy. If that's the case, it's a shame, because there ain't no changing me now. (For the record, I used ain't to be cute. I don't say ain't. Seriously, that's just improper grammar people.)
I guess my only hope is that we are forced into it by Jane. I hope that as she gets older and into activities we become friends with some of her peers' parents.
Is that the way it works?
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