So Hard

These lyrics speak to me for whatever reason. Just thought I'd post.

DIXIE CHICKS
"So Hard"

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy

Doesn't he just creep you out? I'm so excited about Lost tonight. I'm in love with Michael Emerson's portrayal of Benjamin Linus. This man is nothing short of brilliant. Did you see the way he reacted when Alex was shot? I mean, that was just so good....I loved it!

And here's to hoping that we get at least a little dose of Desmond tonight. Pulease?! Give me, give me, I need, I need!!!!

The episode this week is the second to last of the season. This makes me very sad. What will I do without this show? I know it makes me sound kinda lame, but this kind of stuff lets me escape from my every day life. I love getting emersed in something outside of myself. Harry Potter, Lost and the New England Patriots are my three latest obsessions. Wonder what's next. I hope it's good.

http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20200268,00.html This link will show you that I am not the only one obsessed with Lost. I feel like I need Cliff Notes to understand this article! Sheesh...

The Glass is Half Full??

I feel like such a spoiled brat. I am such a lucky person and yet I tend to only dwell on what is wrong with my life. How American of me. In fact, I am living a charmed life.

So today I choose to be grateful.

Besides, life is what you make it. You can't change the cards you were dealt but you sure as hell can change the way you play them.

What Not to Say

So when people try and console you about your baby fears they say a lot of things. Some of them are helpful, but mostly nobody can say ANYTHING to make you feel better.

Here is a list of what not to say to a woman (me) who is TTC or who has had a miscarriage.

1. It will happen in God's time.
Pulease...this is pretty much one of the worst ones. #1 I don't believe in your God and #2 well, I don't believe in any God.
2. It was not meant to be.
Why not? Because God said so? Well, your god is a jerk.
3. Everything happens for a reason.
Of course everything happens for a reason. Cause and effect...duh. But this does not help me at all. The reason I had a miscarriage was because something went wrong. The reason I am not pregnant is because sperm has not met up with egg in the appropriate fashion. This is just fact. It is not comforting to me in the least bit. And I know what people mean by this statement, but refer to #1 here...
4. At least you know you can get pregnant.
Yeah, I got pregnant one time and it didn't last. Boy, what a relief.
5. Just relax. It will happen when you least expect it.
First off, don't tell me to relax. It is not in my nature to "relax". Besides, you try relaxing during and after a miscarriage and see how well you do. Anyone want a blood transfusion?
6. Stop trying so hard.
So you are telling me that the only reason I am not pregnant is because I am trying too hard?! OK. I guess I will just stop having sex when I ovulate and see how that works out. Or maybe I should drink some of this water that people are talking about. Yeah, the water that magically knocks you up. Maybe I'll try that instead.
7. Just be patient and it will happen.
Do I look patient?! Do I sound patient?!

Yes, I sound really bitter and mad. And I am not mad at the individuals who are trying to console me. Really, I'm not. I'm just mad at life and these stupid little comments are really driving me nuts. I do know that people say these things because they are just trying to be helpful. But boy does it feel good to type this all out. I mean, it really feels good even though I sound like a bitter and whining brat. I don't care. It's the way I feel.

What I do like to hear are the success stories. I like to know that so and so miscarried and it took them 10 months to get pregnant again...yada yada yada... now they've got a 9 month old healthy baby girl. Those are the stories I want to hear. I need data and medical statistics. This is what consoles me.

Limbo

I think I should just change the name of my blog to Baby Blues or something...

I can't deny it. It's all I think about. I know how annoying it must be to the my friends and family. I never wanted to be this girl. But here I am. I've got baby fever in the worst way.

I saw a picture of my niece yesterday and it really set me off again. She is the cutest little thing at about 9 months old and I can't help but think that my baby would be about her age if I had not miscarried. Seeing this picture just makes me hurt so bad. It is like this weird DESIRE that is deep inside me and I really can't stop it. I want a family of my own. I want it in the worst way. I just always have this terrible sadness inside of me that won't go away. I thought that I didn't really care about my first miscarriage. Well, I cared about it, but I didn't grieve for the actual child that never was. Now I feel as though that is coming back to bite me and that I have definitely lost something. I don't want to dwell on it though. I will try to think of the future.

And sometimes I get so excited thinking about having a baby. I am so ready to be a mother. I am ready for a challenge. I am ready for the next phase of my life. And until then, I feel like I am in limbo.