Did I say EIGHT pounds??

I do not like brownies. These, however, are going to be the death of me. Oh my GAWD they are so good. I highly recommend them. And if you are making them, follow the recipe for "fudge-like" and not "cake-like". Don't overbake either. You'll thank me. ;)

Smashed

I just finished a memoir called "Smashed" by Koren Zailckas. I didn't really like or enjoy it, but I was compulsed to read it in about a day and half. And it's sticking with me. In it she details her life and her relationship with alcohol. And it is a scary one. It makes me wonder...do I know anyone like that in my life right now? I think I do. But no women (that I know of).

She was a binge drinker. And a 5-6 night a week binger at that. Most of her alcoholism occurred in college. She's a year younger than I am. And I swear, I just can't believe that someone (a GIRL) can do that to themselves. I don't really know that life, but I have caught glimpses of it. In college for about a month, I was drunk. I would wake up still drunk and go to classes to take exams. Most of the time I would miss my early morning classes. That was the semester I nearly lost my scholarship. But I have never blacked out. I have never had my stomach pumped. I have never unwillingly had sex with a guy just because I was too drunk to say no. I have never woken up and not known where I was. I have never even thrown up from drinking, although I have suffered from some pretty killer hangovers.

Ugh, the whole idea of all of that makes me feel dirty. I wonder if I knew or even currently know any women who abuse alcohol in that way. And if so, what compels them to keep drinking? It's just not something I understand. For some reason, it really saddens me to think that anyone could live like that. How can your whole life revolve around alcohol? How horrible must you feel about yourself when you sober up and realize what happened the night before. It's just icky. I don't like it. And I don't like to think of the young girls out there right now who are going down this path. I know it is a right of passage to go through your "drunken years" but I just wish society wouldn't embrace the whole "girls gone wild" mentality. It's really sick.

Anyway...her memoir made me think. I guess maybe it was good afterall.

Still Smitten

I just have to say this. I love my husband! We've been together for about 10 and a half years and I am still in love with him. He is an amazing person. I would be completely lost without him. I am truly grateful to be married to him and realize how insanely lucky I am to have him as my partner in life.

I just had to say that. Carry on.

Vodka Veritaserum

So, I had a really fun weekend with Heather and Nikki. I really needed it. It was nice to get away, get a little sunburned, a little girl time, and a little drunk. Heather and Nikki are so super cool and nice and laid back. It is nice to be around girls who aren't catty and judgmental. Very nice.

However....

I swear, I hate myself sometimes. I always get SO talkative when I am drinking. It's like I have to be the center of attention. I get so HONEST when I am drunk. I can't shut up. And always, the next day as I am driving home, I am cringing...thinking oh my god why did I keep saying that?! Or, why couldn't I just sit still and let others talk for a moment. And maybe I am making this all up. Maybe I wasn't really that annoying. But I don't know. When you get on your own nerves that may be a bad sign.

Argh. It's always something. I can never just relax and be happy with myself.

And now I am back home and back to reality...back to worrying about getting pregnant again. Back to seeing everyone else on my message boards get their BFP's. Back to trying not to be insanely jealous and let down that it was them and not me. Oh man...another month of this...

Yay!

I'm so excited I get to hang out with Heather this weekend. No husband attached. (nothing against my husband...just...we need some time apart)

I am actually doing SOMETHING and not all worried about being and/or getting pregnant. How cool is that? It's such a nice reprieve.

Aaahhh....a break from the monotony.

Hooray!!!

"NOT PREGNANT"

You see this? It actually says "Not Pregnant". What you can't see is the "ha ha ha ha ha ha"...you have to read between the lines for that one. I effing hate HPTs. They can all bite me. And then they can go to hell and burn.

So to retaliate I joined Curves for real and I will lose 8 pounds this month.

And this weekend I am going to Nashville to stay with a friend. Good times will be had, although those good times may disagree with that 8 pounds up there. Nevertheless, I refuse to let this month get me down. I am so sick of being hopeful then let down. It is an emotional roller coaster and I am stepping off for at least a week.

I guess I can't do anything about not getting pregnant. Goodness knows I am doing everything humanly possible. And now I would like control of my life back, thank you very much.

A Very Hard Day

I am a broken record. It's just that I am having a particularly bad day today and I need to get it out. I don't want to vent to my friends and family about this anymore. They are growing tired of my whining.

But it's always there. It's always on my mind. It's what I think about ALL THE TIME. I cannot believe that I am now on to month 6 and I am still not pregnant. I was so cocky at first. I just knew that I would be pregnant at Emily's wedding. I told Amber that I would be joining her soon. And now she's ready to give birth and I am still waiting, and feeling like a complete idiot to boot. I should have never told anyone I was TTC. It was a big mistake. Now people ask stupid questions, offer stupid advice, and give me those "I'm sorry" looks all the time. It's awful.

If I hear you are trying too hard one more time I am gonna snap. If somebody tells me it will happen when you least expect it again I will start to cry. I am never going to least expect it. I expect it every month. I am not going to give up trying. I guess if that is the case, it would happen after I go through menopause. THAT is when I would least expect it. What stupid advice. And really, I guess there isn't anything anyone can say to make it better. That's why I should have never told anyone I was trying in the first place.

I was all concerned about another miscarriage when I first started trying again. But now I am just scared to death that my miscarriage broke me and I will never be able to get pregnant again. And everywhere I go, I see pregnant women. It is like they are taunting me: Ha ha...look how easy it is to get pregnant. I wasn't even TRYING and I got knocked up. I'm not even sure how I am going to pay for this child. It is my third, you know.

I am so despondent. I am so tired. I cannot sleep at night. I cannot make plans for the future. I cannot DO anything until I am pregnant. I am not enjoying life right now. In fact, it completely sucks.

So there it is. I am a whiny, spoiled brat. I think everyone already knew that though.

Is It My Turn Yet?

On my way into the office this morning I ran into one of my pregnant co-workers. I hadn't seen her in a while. She's really showing now. I'd say she's 6 or 7 months along. I guess you could say I am jealous of her. Seeing her was actually very hard. More than anything I just feel this deep sadness. It's very hard to explain. She announced right as I was beginning the TTC process. This was an "unexpected" pregnancy. And even then, when I heard the announcement, I couldn't help feeling like she was taking MY pregnancy. I know that's not true. But she already has a child, plus two other step-sons. Me: I have nothing. I know life isn't "fair". But gosh, why can't I get pregnant? Is there something wrong? I just feel so broken in many ways. I can't live my life right now. I am trying. I joined Curves. I am really starting to diet. I read books. I've doubled up on my Zoloft. And yet....

Why I Want To Be Called Mommy

I think that people either want children or do not want children for entirely selfish reasons. And I think that both positions are perfectly valid. So why do I want to be a mom? What's got into me? I used to not want kids. But I used to be unable to fathom turning 30 too. However, things change, and I can't believe how quickly they do.

I want to experience pregnancy in all its glory. It would be a shame if I had the potential to create a new life but never did. It is such a miraculous thing. I mean, I have the power (I hope) to form another human being within my own body. That is just amazing. I have to experience this. It is not something I want to pass up. Granted, I am hoping I am one of the few lucky women who avoid stretch marks, but I will take them if I have to, and I am betting I will.

It may be childish, but isn't it fun to sit and think about what your baby will look like? Will it be a boy or a girl? What personality traits will it pick up from me, from my husband, and what will be entirely his or her own. I just think it's so neat that my husband and I can (hopefully) make a family from scratch.

And that's another reason: family. I have my immediate family and that's great. But we are all grown now and have gone our separate ways. I am ready for my OWN. I am ready to play the role of mommy. My husband and I are just a married couple right now. We are not a family.

Another completely selfish reason I want a baby is because I am bored. I am not a particularly exciting person. I will always have to work a 9-5 office job. I will never be a famous actor, a singer touring the world, a nurse traveling to Africa to help feed the starving children. In the grand scheme of things, I am not particularly important. Having a child is a way to be bigger than myself. It's a way to experience more out of life. Right now I work, I eat and I sleep. It doesn't seem like I have a greater purpose. Having a child would give me that purpose. Granted, I do not think that having a child makes you special to anyone other than your child. I hate the whole "I'm a mom so therefore I am important" attitude. It's highly annoying.

I can't picture myself at age 45 with no kids. What the hell else will I do? Keep doing nothing?! No. I need something to work towards, something to look forward to. Watching my child grow up into an adult would definitely give me things to look forward to.

I also have this "love" inside of me. I can't really explain it, but I just know that I have a lot to give. Without a child I will never be able to give that love. I will always feel like something is missing from my life, the way I feel right now.

So these are some reasons I want to be a mommy. None of them seem very honorable, but I never claimed to be honorable. ;)

And right now I am in limbo. I am very sad and very discouraged that it is not happening as quickly as I would like it to. If I could know in my heart that it will definitely happen, then maybe I could relax. I am just scared it won't happen and I will be left to wonder what might have been for the rest of my life. So occasionally I will allow myself to pretend that I am pregnant. And it's so exciting to me. I have so much to look forward to.

Moving on to month 6 now. Despite my greatest fears, I have hope.

Weight Loss

So I have gone to livestrong.com and have found that they have a pretty good site for entering your daily food intake. It's quite similar to Weight Watchers, but it's FREE.

As of today I am on a diet. Or maybe I should say "lifestyle change". Ha ha...yeah right. We all know that is a load of crap. In order for me to lose 2 pounds per week I have 1200 calories to eat in a day. Not much, but it corresponds to WW pretty well.

So today I did good. 1100 calories. Normally I would eat that remaining 100 calories but I am not feeling well, so I am gonna take the decreased hunger while I can get it. I know it doesn't happen to me often.

I am really hoping to lose at least 2 pounds the first week so I can stay motivated. I know the weight loss will slow after that, but I really NEED that immediate payoff if I am gonna stick with it. The last time I did WW it really didn't work. I did everything right and nothing happened (ha...sounds like other things in my life right now). I think I lost a total of only 2 pounds in a month. And I know that is supposedly reasonable. I am not trying to break any records. But still....come on.

Working out is not a problem for me. I go to the gym and do strength training 2-3 times a week and I walk 2-3 miles 3-4 times a week too. So I think that I've got that part covered. Besides, working out never really helped me to lose weight.

So here goes. Let's see how I do.

Dreams Don't Mean Much

Dreams = disappointment

Don't dream. It won't lead to anything worthwhile.

Month 6. Hope is dwindling.

Sigh.....

Dreams

I dreamed I was pregnant. I took a test and there were two lines. And that was just the best thing ever. I didn't want to wake up.

I also dreamed that I was reading a book. I mean actually flipping through the pages and reading the words. I thought it was a great story but I forgot it when I woke up. It was an Ursela Le Guinn novel.

Since I am going to the library to get a Le Guinn novel soon, I hope that the first dream was a bit of foreboding as well.

Every Woman for Herself

So, you go to great lengths to look good. You fret over what you are going to wear to work. Is my pantyline showing? My pants are so tight! My arms look huge in this.

You try on tons of clothes. Nothing fits right. Everything pulls at your hips. You try countless different brands of make up. You burn your hair with a straightening iron. You wear heavy and uncomfortable earrings. Your shoes are NOT made for walking.

And you know what? Nobody cares. Nobody notices you anyway! Everybody else is too worried about how THEY look themselves.

******

I got a haircut today and nobody noticed. It wasn't drastic, but I think it is pretty noticeable. It's quite a bit shorter and I now have bangs. And nobody noticed. I don't know why this bothers me but it does. I mean, what am I so worried about? I want to look nice, but for whom??

I am all wrapped up in how big my hips are compared to other skinny and perfect bodied friends of mine (you know who you are) and for what? Nobody is looking at me!! Why do I care so much?

I'm highly annoyed. Like I said before, I can't really place why, but nevertheless...where are the gay guys when you need them to notice your new do?

Another 2ww

I'm feeling pretty despondent today about getting pregnant. This is our fifth month of trying. And not just TRYING, but timing everything perfectly and doing everything right. One of the books I have says that if after 4-6 months you still aren't pregnant, you should see a doctor. This is scary. This means that something might be wrong. I have 2 more chances before I've got to make that appointment.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be my month. Please!

Now all I can do is wait. TWO WEEKS. AGAIN. Ugh. It takes so long! And my hormones in this time frame do horrible things to me.

I'm sad.

Ode to Jurm

So most people's praises are sung only AFTER they die. But I want to sing my husband's praises today. He is my best friend and he is the greatest thing in my life.

So here are some things I know and love about Jurm:

He is a great writer. Once he wrote a script and placed in a screenwriting contest without really trying. A couple of random guys even wanted to buy his script from him and actually make his movie.

He's really funny. He makes me laugh all of the time. We have little inside jokes and can just look at each other and know that something is funny. His laugh is really good. Without his laugh I would be very sad in all of my days and nights.

He's so smart. He knows everything. What he says is gospel to me. And if he doesn't know something, I assume that it wasn't worth knowing anyway.

He calls me baby or sweetie. If he calls me Marie, I know he is mad or annoyed with me. I don't like it when he calls me Marie.

He can play guitar. Give him any song and he can learn it in 10 minutes just by ear.

Despite my protests, he is losing his hair.

He likes to eat in an orderly fashion. He has to have everything laid out perfectly and does not like to be disturbed. If you threaten to take his food, he gets very aggravated. It's best to leave him alone, but I sometimes like to reach into his bag of chips just to watch him squirm.

He is terrible with directions. When we go into a store at the mall he will ALWAYS forget which direction we came from when we leave that store.

He works out A LOT. He likes to run and he is very dedicated to staying fit. If he misses a workout you can just tell that he feels bad about it.

He loves my feet. He likes the part of my foot where my ankle meets the top of my foot. He sometimes says he wants to bite my big toe and I will let him...occasionally.

He calls me pretty a lot. He tells me I am cute. He tells me he wants to cuddle with me. He tells me he loves me all the time.

I have only seen him cry 3 or 4 times. Each time it is heartbreaking.

Even when we have spent too much time together and it would be best for us to spend some time apart, I do not want to. I always miss him. Always...even if we are arguing about something.

He is who I want to be the father of my children. Plain and simple. I want him as my children's daddy. I want to give him that experience. I want it to be from me.

He knows all of my "voices" and accepts them. I even made up a voice just for him. Doing my Jurm voice makes me happy. He seems to like it too, although to the outsider it may be quite sickening.

He lets me sing in the car and never gets annoyed with it (or if he does, he keeps it to himself.)

So there are some things I know about Jurm. He is my constant and I love him.