I am a broken record. It's just that I am having a particularly bad day today and I need to get it out. I don't want to vent to my friends and family about this anymore. They are growing tired of my whining.
But it's always there. It's always on my mind. It's what I think about ALL THE TIME. I cannot believe that I am now on to month 6 and I am still not pregnant. I was so cocky at first. I just knew that I would be pregnant at Emily's wedding. I told Amber that I would be joining her soon. And now she's ready to give birth and I am still waiting, and feeling like a complete idiot to boot. I should have never told anyone I was TTC. It was a big mistake. Now people ask stupid questions, offer stupid advice, and give me those "I'm sorry" looks all the time. It's awful.
If I hear you are trying too hard one more time I am gonna snap. If somebody tells me it will happen when you least expect it again I will start to cry. I am never going to least expect it. I expect it every month. I am not going to give up trying. I guess if that is the case, it would happen after I go through menopause. THAT is when I would least expect it. What stupid advice. And really, I guess there isn't anything anyone can say to make it better. That's why I should have never told anyone I was trying in the first place.
I was all concerned about another miscarriage when I first started trying again. But now I am just scared to death that my miscarriage broke me and I will never be able to get pregnant again. And everywhere I go, I see pregnant women. It is like they are taunting me: Ha ha...look how easy it is to get pregnant. I wasn't even TRYING and I got knocked up. I'm not even sure how I am going to pay for this child. It is my third, you know.
I am so despondent. I am so tired. I cannot sleep at night. I cannot make plans for the future. I cannot DO anything until I am pregnant. I am not enjoying life right now. In fact, it completely sucks.
So there it is. I am a whiny, spoiled brat. I think everyone already knew that though.
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