Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Crushed

Another month goes by and it didn't happen. And the disappointment I feel is crushing. It's sometimes hard to breath I feel so sad. We did everything right. I read books, I charted, I temped, I checked bodily fluids, we got the timing right, I spent tons of money on tests and medicines...and all for nothing.

My temps are down and I know what's coming, and conveniently on my birthday too. I will be 29 and childless. My mom was pregnant with me when she was 29.

The absolute fear of thinking I will never have my own child is just consuming. It eats at me 24/7. My obsessed mind cannot move away from that possibility.

So what if I can't have my own kids? Pretty much that would be the end of my world. I would maybe adopt, but I can't see really loving an adopted child very well. I would spend the rest of my life feeling like a failure. I can't do what I am supposed to do: procreate. This is my worst case scenario and I live it every day like it's a reality.

I do hope I read back on this one day and laugh at how scared I was about never having a child. I hope it happens for me, but my brain just cannot grab onto that hope. I am so afraid I will never be a mommy.

I wish I was a positive person. I wish I wasn't so obsessive about the bad things that can happen. I used to not be this way. But then I lost my ovary...and then my beloved cat died...and then I lost my first pregnancy, all within about a 1 year time frame. That kind of set me up to expect the worst and I'm still trying to climb out from all of that.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Green Day saved my life


OK, not really. I hate it when people say bands "saved their lives". It's embarrassing. How lame is that? But anyway, while they did not save my life, they greatly enhanced it.

I was 16 and trying to find a new genre of music to define me. The hair bands of my earlier youth were over and lame. I was moving on. Pearl Jam and Nirvana...too earthy. Rap...I was thinking about it. And then I saw this video and the rest was history.

Ah Billie Joe. His voice feels like home to me. It calms me and makes me feel one with the earth. Again, not really. But still, I dig me some Green Day and I LOVE Billie Joe.

So imagine my great enthusiasm upon seeing this article.

Yay! I'm super psyched. My music listening these days is pretty stagnant. This should help.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

The next time I hear the word 'baby bump' I'm gonna puke



Guess what? Pregnant ladies are everywhere and they are ruining my life.

Along with all of the regular people, just about every Hollywood "it" girl is pregnant as well.


This has got to stop. It's madness I tell you. Madness!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The Dreaded Two Week Wait

I am really frustrated. Really disappointed. Really tired of feeling paralyzed and it's only been ONE week. Yeah, I'm probably overreacting. I know that. But that doesn't really help me to feel any better.

I desperately want to get pregnant and have a baby now. It's a pretty urgent feeling. And I honestly feel like nobody understands this or why I am acting like such a spoiled brat about the whole thing.

I have friends who are not yet married. They feel as though my view is entirely selfish. I already have my husband. I am already in a place of relative financial security. I am in a place where they want to be...ready to start a family and I have a willing partner. And it is spoiled of me to get all whiny about not getting pregnant immediately. Their view is that I've already got so much, so stop begging for more and shut up already. At least I have a husband. At least I have a home. At least I have a steady job. Yes, I know, I know.

I have friends who do not want children. They just write off my feelings of wanting to have a child entirely. They cannot possibly fathom the drive I have right now. They assume that it's easy to get pregnant and have a baby. Look around you! Everyone is doing it! What's the big deal?

I have friends who ARE pregnant right now or who have just had babies in the last few years. These are the worst. Sure, they might be able to understand how badly I want to get pregnant, but they just really don't care. Why would they? They are currently in the throes of parenthood. They already have what I want. In fact, all they tend to talk about are their children in the first place. "It will happen" is a common response. Easy for them to say...

And I also have several friends who are just jealous of my whole situation. They want to be trying for a baby now too. But they aren't and so sometimes it feels as though they are actively routing against me. Hell, even I can understand this. Every time I hear of another newly pregnant girl my heart sinks because it is not me.

It's a strange place to be in. I usually can find sympathy somewhere. But even my husband grows tired of seeing me depressed about this. He says I need to live in the moment and stop wishing for something that is not here. I am wishing my life away. And he is exactly right. I am paralyzed right now in a constant state of uncertainty. Am I? Or am I not?

Only one friend seems to know what I am going through right now. She also has been in my position and she has been so supportive. She knows just what to say and more importantly what NOT to say. I am latching on to her but I'm afraid to talk about it too much. I don't want her to grow tired of my rantings as well. I don't want to scare her away too.

And maybe people don't understand because I AM overreacting. But my miscarriage last year really knocked me down. It took all the joy and innocence out of pregnancy. It confirmed my worst fears and then some. I am just so rushed, I feel like a window is closing and that I must take action now. And each month that goes by where conception doesn't occur is another inch that the window has closed.