Crushed

Another month goes by and it didn't happen. And the disappointment I feel is crushing. It's sometimes hard to breath I feel so sad. We did everything right. I read books, I charted, I temped, I checked bodily fluids, we got the timing right, I spent tons of money on tests and medicines...and all for nothing.

My temps are down and I know what's coming, and conveniently on my birthday too. I will be 29 and childless. My mom was pregnant with me when she was 29.

The absolute fear of thinking I will never have my own child is just consuming. It eats at me 24/7. My obsessed mind cannot move away from that possibility.

So what if I can't have my own kids? Pretty much that would be the end of my world. I would maybe adopt, but I can't see really loving an adopted child very well. I would spend the rest of my life feeling like a failure. I can't do what I am supposed to do: procreate. This is my worst case scenario and I live it every day like it's a reality.

I do hope I read back on this one day and laugh at how scared I was about never having a child. I hope it happens for me, but my brain just cannot grab onto that hope. I am so afraid I will never be a mommy.

I wish I was a positive person. I wish I wasn't so obsessive about the bad things that can happen. I used to not be this way. But then I lost my ovary...and then my beloved cat died...and then I lost my first pregnancy, all within about a 1 year time frame. That kind of set me up to expect the worst and I'm still trying to climb out from all of that.