Limbo

I think I should just change the name of my blog to Baby Blues or something...

I can't deny it. It's all I think about. I know how annoying it must be to the my friends and family. I never wanted to be this girl. But here I am. I've got baby fever in the worst way.

I saw a picture of my niece yesterday and it really set me off again. She is the cutest little thing at about 9 months old and I can't help but think that my baby would be about her age if I had not miscarried. Seeing this picture just makes me hurt so bad. It is like this weird DESIRE that is deep inside me and I really can't stop it. I want a family of my own. I want it in the worst way. I just always have this terrible sadness inside of me that won't go away. I thought that I didn't really care about my first miscarriage. Well, I cared about it, but I didn't grieve for the actual child that never was. Now I feel as though that is coming back to bite me and that I have definitely lost something. I don't want to dwell on it though. I will try to think of the future.

And sometimes I get so excited thinking about having a baby. I am so ready to be a mother. I am ready for a challenge. I am ready for the next phase of my life. And until then, I feel like I am in limbo.