I am getting really scared about having this baby. It's kind of hitting me that in just 3 months or so I will be going into labor and having a human being come out of my body. One that depends entirely on me for her existence. It's a little overwhelming.
#1 labor is REALLY scary to me. I have read enough birth stories to know that things can go smoothly or that they can go terribly wrong. There is no way to predict or plan for a great labor and that scares me. Will I be able to stand the pain? Will I have to be induced? Will I end up with an emergency C-Section? Will the baby be healthy? Will I poop on the table (yes it happens!)?? Lol...these are all things I think about. And the thought of that happening to me in just a few short months is really scary. I know countless women give birth every day, but not me. I don't know if I can do it but I have no choice. This baby has got to come out somehow.
#2 my life is going to change SO much once she is here. I like my life right now. I love my leisure time. I love my sleep, my naps. I love my lazy weekends with my husband. But all of that is going to disappear when baby comes. I am a creature of habit/routine and I like my routine now. When the "normal" gets messed up, I usually go into panic mode. I just don't know how I am going to handle a completely different life. Will I like it?
And that brings me to #3. Will I like being a mother? I already know that I love baby Jane. But I don't know if I love being a mother. I don't like kids. That is a fact. 95% of the time they annoy me to death. I think they are gross, ugly and bratty. What if having your own child ISN'T any different. Is it possible to think your own child is a gross, ugly brat? What if I am an awful mommy? I don't know the first thing about babies. I can't talk to kids without feeling really awkward. I don't know....my own mother was such a great mom. I can't possibly live up to her. I am already feeling sorry for my baby for having such a terrible mother.
I have a million other worries and "what if's".
What if I go into premature labor and she has to go to the NICU and ends up mentally retarded?
What if having a baby puts a huge strain on my marriage and Jeremy and I end up hating each other and we end in divorce?
What if we can't afford a baby?
What if we can't find suitable day care?
What if the baby has COLIC?
What if she dies during labor?
What if I die during labor? My miscarriage at only 6 weeks nearly killed me! How will labor be any easier?
I can think of more, but I will spare you.
This is how my stupid disfunctional brain works. My next post should be focused on only positive things. But for now, it helps to write it all out.
And I guess I should just stop all of this nonsense. All that matters is right now. Right now the baby has hiccups. She is doing great and kicking around. I love her already and all that matters is that she is healthy in the end. I still love being pregnant. I am grateful every day for the opportunity that not everyone gets. These worries of mine won't matter in the end.
Sometimes I just freak out.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
Welcome 2009!
As always, I am so glad that Christmas is over. I cannot stand the stress of this holiday. It wouldn't be bad if I could just spend it with my immediate family, but traveling to the grandparent's and the in-laws is close to torture in my book. Last year was bad. This year was even worse. Next year, baby Jane will make things so much better. I can't wait for her arrival.
I've been off work since Christmas Eve and I haven't really accomplished much of anything in the week and a half I've been off. I didn't really have any goals, so at least I haven't failed myself. Thanks to being pregnant, I can't really do what I would usually be doing around this time of year: shopping for new clothes, starting a new diet, and a new work-out routine. It's just as well...I will get to all of that when I lose this lovely weight I've put on. I worry a little bit about my weight from time to time, but I still think I look pretty good even though the scale says a number that I will never tell. It's only going to get worse. My appetite increase has hit me pretty hard in the last few days and I am betting it won't ease up for a while. I will be tipping the scales at a number that would send even a "plus-sized" supermodel into a suicidal panic by the time I give birth.
I am now 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Wow. I am very relieved. No matter what, we are having this baby girl. It would obviously not be ideal, but if she were born today she would have a fighting chance of making it with the help of a great NICU. And the term "miscarriage" is no longer a part of my vocabulary. Now they would refer it as a "still-birth" but that isn't going to happen, so I am feeling pretty good about it all. She's kicking me quite a bit although I have no prior pregnancies to compare it to. I will say, I just love it when she kicks, squirms, wiggles, etc. It feels so amazing. I just sometimes sit in awe that there is a little bitty baby LIVING inside my womb. It's just bizarre and amazing and wonderful. I still love being pregnant and me and baby are thriving. I sometimes feel I was just made to be pregnant. These hips of mine have a purpose afterall....
Once I go back to work things are going to go by fast. Only 4 full months to go until she gets here. We haven't started the nursery. A lot of girls on my April EC Board have already finished their nurseries. I need to sign up for childbirth classes, find a daycare/sitter, get my baby registry started, buy nursery furniture, and train my co-worker for when I am off on maternity leave. It overwhelms me, but it'll get done. I'm almost hoping that by the time she is ready to make her debut that I will be so miserably pregnant, I won't even care about labor. I worry about labor a lot. I know the end result is worth it, but still....come on. It's not a pleasant thing to think about. Especially since the moms on my expecting board who have already gone through labor are already discussing how much THEY dread doing it again. That isn't exactly soothing.
So DH and I got in a huge argument over the holidays. He left me the day after Christmas to go to a hockey game and see his friends in Nashville. I cried like a big baby...I knew I was being (somewhat) irrational, but I was scared to death something would happen to him. Despite my pleading, he went anyway and I was comatose/crying the entire time he was gone. I knew (sort of) that I was wrong and that I could have salvaged my day without him, but I just couldn't bring myself out of that anxiety. I can tell that I need my Zoloft. I will most definitely not go back on the drug until after I am finished breastfeeding, but sometimes I get that streak of panic and irrationality that comes with my anxiety/depression. (I guess I am actually doing pretty well without it though. I will give myself credit.) So the entire time that DH was gone, I worried about him. I texted him and called him pretty much every hour to make sure he was OK. In the end, he did NOT make it to my family's Christmas get-together the next day. I knew he wouldn't. So my next day was ruined too because I just don't feel like myself without him. He is my Zoloft for this pregnancy and he wasn't there so I just flipped out. I was a huge brat and in a horrible mood and really made a show of myself in front of my extended family. Oh well...I blamed my pregnancy "hormones". So...glad that's over and he is home OK. I don't know how I am going to handle his next trip away from me. I am going to pretend that he isn't going to leave me again, although I know I can't expect that. I just cannot deal with his absence in a rational adult manner.
NYE was boring. Well, it was OK. I finished "Breaking Dawn" that night. We had some appetizers, watched the ball drop...pretty much it. I really hate NYE though. There is so much pressure to do something and have fun. I'd rather do it in the summer when it doesn't get dark so damn early. That's when I will celebrate my "new year".
But 2009 is the year of my first-born child. It is finally here. I am so happy. We cannot wait to meet our baby girl. Yay!! I still can't believe it's really gonna happen.
I've been off work since Christmas Eve and I haven't really accomplished much of anything in the week and a half I've been off. I didn't really have any goals, so at least I haven't failed myself. Thanks to being pregnant, I can't really do what I would usually be doing around this time of year: shopping for new clothes, starting a new diet, and a new work-out routine. It's just as well...I will get to all of that when I lose this lovely weight I've put on. I worry a little bit about my weight from time to time, but I still think I look pretty good even though the scale says a number that I will never tell. It's only going to get worse. My appetite increase has hit me pretty hard in the last few days and I am betting it won't ease up for a while. I will be tipping the scales at a number that would send even a "plus-sized" supermodel into a suicidal panic by the time I give birth.
I am now 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Wow. I am very relieved. No matter what, we are having this baby girl. It would obviously not be ideal, but if she were born today she would have a fighting chance of making it with the help of a great NICU. And the term "miscarriage" is no longer a part of my vocabulary. Now they would refer it as a "still-birth" but that isn't going to happen, so I am feeling pretty good about it all. She's kicking me quite a bit although I have no prior pregnancies to compare it to. I will say, I just love it when she kicks, squirms, wiggles, etc. It feels so amazing. I just sometimes sit in awe that there is a little bitty baby LIVING inside my womb. It's just bizarre and amazing and wonderful. I still love being pregnant and me and baby are thriving. I sometimes feel I was just made to be pregnant. These hips of mine have a purpose afterall....
Once I go back to work things are going to go by fast. Only 4 full months to go until she gets here. We haven't started the nursery. A lot of girls on my April EC Board have already finished their nurseries. I need to sign up for childbirth classes, find a daycare/sitter, get my baby registry started, buy nursery furniture, and train my co-worker for when I am off on maternity leave. It overwhelms me, but it'll get done. I'm almost hoping that by the time she is ready to make her debut that I will be so miserably pregnant, I won't even care about labor. I worry about labor a lot. I know the end result is worth it, but still....come on. It's not a pleasant thing to think about. Especially since the moms on my expecting board who have already gone through labor are already discussing how much THEY dread doing it again. That isn't exactly soothing.
So DH and I got in a huge argument over the holidays. He left me the day after Christmas to go to a hockey game and see his friends in Nashville. I cried like a big baby...I knew I was being (somewhat) irrational, but I was scared to death something would happen to him. Despite my pleading, he went anyway and I was comatose/crying the entire time he was gone. I knew (sort of) that I was wrong and that I could have salvaged my day without him, but I just couldn't bring myself out of that anxiety. I can tell that I need my Zoloft. I will most definitely not go back on the drug until after I am finished breastfeeding, but sometimes I get that streak of panic and irrationality that comes with my anxiety/depression. (I guess I am actually doing pretty well without it though. I will give myself credit.) So the entire time that DH was gone, I worried about him. I texted him and called him pretty much every hour to make sure he was OK. In the end, he did NOT make it to my family's Christmas get-together the next day. I knew he wouldn't. So my next day was ruined too because I just don't feel like myself without him. He is my Zoloft for this pregnancy and he wasn't there so I just flipped out. I was a huge brat and in a horrible mood and really made a show of myself in front of my extended family. Oh well...I blamed my pregnancy "hormones". So...glad that's over and he is home OK. I don't know how I am going to handle his next trip away from me. I am going to pretend that he isn't going to leave me again, although I know I can't expect that. I just cannot deal with his absence in a rational adult manner.
NYE was boring. Well, it was OK. I finished "Breaking Dawn" that night. We had some appetizers, watched the ball drop...pretty much it. I really hate NYE though. There is so much pressure to do something and have fun. I'd rather do it in the summer when it doesn't get dark so damn early. That's when I will celebrate my "new year".
But 2009 is the year of my first-born child. It is finally here. I am so happy. We cannot wait to meet our baby girl. Yay!! I still can't believe it's really gonna happen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)