Grandma is still on vacation. Here is my e-mail to her tonight:
Jane was so sweet this evening. She was in such a good, HAPPY mood. We clipped the end of her second to last tucky. She got the sad face and cried a little but we threw it away together and she didn't ask for it while we were in bed!
She's listening to the stories in books more now. We have been reading Baby Dear and she requests it by name. "Mommy we read Baby Dear now?" She really likes it.
Our goodnight routine took about an hour but it was so funny to just sit and listen to her. She was so happily wound up. She would sing different songs, "if you're sad say boo hoo. BOO HOO! if you're happy say hooray. HOORAY!" The way she says "round and round" for wheels on the bus is UH-doe-bul! She even does the hand motions to match. She was just jabbering and singing away and oh she melts my heart. At one point when she knew I was getting serious about going to sleep she started falling asleep too. I noticed her eyes opening and closing and I couldn't help myself so I kissed her right on the mouth/cheek. After that she did it to ME about 2-3 times, very shyly (or slyly) waving at me. She fell asleep shortly after that.
OH my goodness I am so in love with this beautiful, happy little girl.
She told me tomorrow that she didn't want me to stay home with her, but she wanted to go to Miss Marie's. :)
She also told us that she had to go to timeout today but we can't figure out what for. Lol. She could be making that up, but I don't know.
She's the happiest kid on the block for sure. And I am the happiest mommy.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I Miss Her - Common Thursday Theme
I really, really miss Jane today. I left her at Miss Marie’s this morning and I just feel uneasy about it. #1, the kiddie pool had water in it this morning. Marie told me she emptied it after every use. I do not care that she left water in the pool. It’s totally fine with me if Jane gets in this water. It’s just that Miss Marie told me she does otherwise. What else is she misleading me about? #2, she nonchalantly told me that she gave Jane one of another kid’s Puffs the other day. It’s fine to give her a Puff. She can have Puffs. BUT, she isn’t supposed to have ANY food I don’t send with her. Gerber Puffs have a huge list of ingredients. I know she didn’t read through all of them to make sure egg wasn’t listed. What else is she giving her? Is she giving her food she is allergic to? And I am mad at myself because I didn't even say anything to her. I should have. I just felt like it was awkward timing. Now it's going to be even more awkward when I bring it up NEXT Tuesday, if I even do. I'm chicken shit.
Why is childcare so hard?
And when I left I was in a bit of a hurry and Jane so sweetly waved bye to me and I just feel like I didn’t get a proper hug and a kiss and this has thrown my entire day off so far. I just can’t convey to anyone how in love I am with my kid. I am assuming other mothers understand, but it always catches me off guard how much I love this little girl. When I see her after I’ve left her for a while it is the biggest sense of relief. She is such a site for sore eyes, I physically feel it in my stomach. At night, when I lie down next to her in bed I squeeze her little legs, I stare at her, and kiss her sweet cheeks for probably 30 minutes before I can even consider falling asleep myself. She has become my entire reason for existence. Is that healthy? I don’t care. It’s the way things are.
Miss Marie told DH the other day about what a joy it is to watch Jane. This was an unsolicited bit of information too. Jane is so GOOD and sweet. She has not once had a timeout. Even if she were the timeout queen I would still adore her, but I have to brag. She is the best! Miss Marie even says so. ;)
Why is childcare so hard?
And when I left I was in a bit of a hurry and Jane so sweetly waved bye to me and I just feel like I didn’t get a proper hug and a kiss and this has thrown my entire day off so far. I just can’t convey to anyone how in love I am with my kid. I am assuming other mothers understand, but it always catches me off guard how much I love this little girl. When I see her after I’ve left her for a while it is the biggest sense of relief. She is such a site for sore eyes, I physically feel it in my stomach. At night, when I lie down next to her in bed I squeeze her little legs, I stare at her, and kiss her sweet cheeks for probably 30 minutes before I can even consider falling asleep myself. She has become my entire reason for existence. Is that healthy? I don’t care. It’s the way things are.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I Miss Her
I miss Jane. I miss her all day long every day that I am at work. Sometimes it physically hurts me I miss her so much. (And yet, when I get home, I immediately look forward to bedtime.) She loves going to the sitter, Miss Marie. I'm a little uneasy about the sitter. I trust the woman but there are things I don't like. #1, She's a smoker. She doesn't smoke in the house and Jane never come home reeking, but she sometimes have this vague smell of cigarettes about her. It's VERY vague. I am the cigarette nazi. I can sniff out a cigarette miles away. So this really isn't that bad. I should probably just get over this. The house doesn't smell like smoke either. #2, During the summer she has the kids play in pools. Jane will only ever be in a kiddie pool, under (supposedly) constant supervision. The big kids get in the big pool with life jackets. She empties the kiddie pool when they are done and removes the ladder from the big (above ground about 3-4 feet) pool so no kid can escape and get in the big pool while she isn't watching. Her safety measures are good, but you still wonder how safe it can be. I sometimes wish I wasn't so ultra-concerned about everything. OK, I often wish this. I mean, our parents grew up swimming in the river with no life jacket, eating lead-paint based toys, in asbestos filled houses. They made it. I had the rusted through wagon, the choking hazard REAL Little People, I walked to the park and swimming pool unaccompanied by an adult by the third grade, etc. I made it too. We are probably TOO safe nowadays, but you still have to worry. I think we are too informed nowadays. Whenever a kid drowns or some horrible accident happens, we hear about it via e-mail, the internet, the news, etc. Each time a child is missing you hear about it 24/7. I know these things happen, but they are still so rare. Back in the "old days" it wasn't this way. I think the "old days" were better in this aspect. I take each bit of bad information to mean, THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME.
Oh and back to why I don't like the sitter. #3, She has a dog. I don't know WHY this bothers me. I really don't. It's a harmless old poodle. Jane doesn't like the dog. She's afraid of it. I guess that's why I don't like it. #4 I'm afraid she watches too many kids during the summer. That is one thing I am definitely going to check out. If there are too many kids, we will look elsewhere.
So, I wonder...would I feel this way about EVERY sitter? Would I find something to be uneasy about everywhere we go? I am good at finding the negative. I am good at worrying.
The good things about the sitter:
1. She caters to Jane's food allergies. Jane eats up in the highchair so I know she's not going to stealing food off of another kid's plate or something like that. This is very good. This was one of my TOP worries before we found Miss Marie.
2. Jane LOVES going there. The other day when I got home from work, she didn't come running to see me, she didn't smile or anything. She just said very seriously, "I need to go back Miss Marie's house."
3. She tells us a lot about Jane's day. How long she napped, if she pooped, cute little tidbits and things she did.
4. She sends all of our stuff back to us clean. All food dishes are returned washed. Jane's bib, which is rarely dirty, is folded up in a plastic bag.
5. She puts OUR sunscreen on Jane (Jane breaks out to "other" stuff) without complaint. I think she just sprays all of the other kids down with the same stuff.
6. Jane comes home happy. She never does things which make us wonder if she's being hurt, neglected or abused in any way. She has actually benefited from going. She comes home and can count, do ABC's, and loves to show us the games she's learned.
7. Miss Marie is very close to our house. She charges only $25 a day, she's ALWAYS "open for business", and she is very flexible with our part-time schedule.
8. Jane will actually nap for her (about 50% of the time). I'm glad for this. I was afraid she would never nap for anybody but someone whose hair she was playing with at the time.
I am just trying to talk myself into "outside" childcare. I even miss Jane when she's with my own mother. I still worry about her then too.
When I have this baby, I am going back on Zoloft IMMEDIATELY. Maybe that will take the edge off of my worrying. I mean, I know every mother worries endlessly about her children, but sometimes I think mine is a touch too much.
Oh and back to why I don't like the sitter. #3, She has a dog. I don't know WHY this bothers me. I really don't. It's a harmless old poodle. Jane doesn't like the dog. She's afraid of it. I guess that's why I don't like it. #4 I'm afraid she watches too many kids during the summer. That is one thing I am definitely going to check out. If there are too many kids, we will look elsewhere.
So, I wonder...would I feel this way about EVERY sitter? Would I find something to be uneasy about everywhere we go? I am good at finding the negative. I am good at worrying.
The good things about the sitter:
1. She caters to Jane's food allergies. Jane eats up in the highchair so I know she's not going to stealing food off of another kid's plate or something like that. This is very good. This was one of my TOP worries before we found Miss Marie.
2. Jane LOVES going there. The other day when I got home from work, she didn't come running to see me, she didn't smile or anything. She just said very seriously, "I need to go back Miss Marie's house."
3. She tells us a lot about Jane's day. How long she napped, if she pooped, cute little tidbits and things she did.
4. She sends all of our stuff back to us clean. All food dishes are returned washed. Jane's bib, which is rarely dirty, is folded up in a plastic bag.
5. She puts OUR sunscreen on Jane (Jane breaks out to "other" stuff) without complaint. I think she just sprays all of the other kids down with the same stuff.
6. Jane comes home happy. She never does things which make us wonder if she's being hurt, neglected or abused in any way. She has actually benefited from going. She comes home and can count, do ABC's, and loves to show us the games she's learned.
7. Miss Marie is very close to our house. She charges only $25 a day, she's ALWAYS "open for business", and she is very flexible with our part-time schedule.
8. Jane will actually nap for her (about 50% of the time). I'm glad for this. I was afraid she would never nap for anybody but someone whose hair she was playing with at the time.
I am just trying to talk myself into "outside" childcare. I even miss Jane when she's with my own mother. I still worry about her then too.
When I have this baby, I am going back on Zoloft IMMEDIATELY. Maybe that will take the edge off of my worrying. I mean, I know every mother worries endlessly about her children, but sometimes I think mine is a touch too much.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Imabusybee
I would really like to talk about myself for a minute. And what better place to do that than on your own blog?!
I got my hair cut. Really quite short. I like it and I dislike it. I mainly like it. I will almost totally like it after it's grown about a quarter of an inch longer.
I had another episode of spotting (first one led to an ER trip) with this pregnancy. An ultrasound yesterday showed that things are going well. I am still so early that we couldn't even see a heartbeat or a fetal pole/aka what will become your baby). But everything is as it should be right now and that is very encouraging. I am feeling sick. That awful pregnancy feeling and it is EXACTLY like what I had with Jane except I didn't get this way until later in the first (technically second) pregnancy. It's this gross feeling and you think eating will help it go away. It's not nausea but I do feel gaggy. It's heartburn and stomach churning and some weird feeling that can only be described as pregnant. It's not cool. I am hoping it doesn't get much worse or otherwise I am going to be a pretty pathetic mom. I already feel guilty because I am sort of in my own world and neglecting Jane. I mean, to the outside I'm not, but I am really not giving her my all. And she deserves that.
Speaking of Jane. She is PRECIOUS (what, you didn't know?). And happy. And talking up a storm. And she has all of her bottom teeth now. And I didn't know this until I counted them in a picture I took of her crying (heh heh). She won't let me SEE her teeth, even when we are brushing. She went to her first half-day at the sitter's house and did very well. I am still exceedingly nervous about it. She goes back on Tuesday for another half-day and then will be fulltime one day a week thereafter. SCARY!!!! When I got to Miss Marie's house to pick her up she cried when she saw me. I kind of thought she would. But apparently she did very well and didn't cry once while I was away. She ate all of her breakfast (bless her little heart) and she played with the other kids and she danced up a storm. She was starting to get sleepy when I got there. She saw me, cried, took her Dora lunchbox that was nearby and said, "take Dora wit me, go home" and then she walked to the front door with her lunchbox and waited for me. Now that broke my heart. Into a million little pieces. I know she had a good time though. But she was ready to go home. Poor baby. I hate leaving her with somebody I really don't know. It makes me feel impotent. It just doesn't feel natural. I really like my job and I really like working part-time, but times like these I would quit if I could.
I know what my next baby girl is going to be named and I love it so much. I am dying for this baby to be a girl. And I know that since I said that, it will be a boy. I thought Jane was a boy for a while and I was actually disappointed when we found out she wasn't. Ha! Disappointed to get my sweet baby Jane?! Crazy! Anyway, even when we thought Jane was a boy, we still didn't have a name picked out. I do not like a single boy's name. I can't find one that gets me excited. Jane got me excited. We knew a girl would be Jane from the get-go. Just like I know my second girl will be Kate. (Katherine). Ah, I really love it. It really makes me excited. Jane and Kate Skinner. Come on. Two strong, classic names. So, whether it's this baby or not, my next baby girl will be Katherine (called Kate) Skinner. If I have a boy, he may be nameless until he's old enough to pick his own name.
We (read my husband) are doing a lot of work on the house right now. We got it raised (foundation stuff) last week so now we are filling in drywall cracks and painting. A big project, although it sounds fairly boring and straightforward. It's not. Logistically speaking it's kind of a nightmare. Only one of us can do the work while the other has to get Jane out of the house. Guess it's back to Grammaw's. She's getting kind of sick of us. We're hoping to have the house ready by Jane's birthday party (April 23). We have to buy a grill, new patio furniture, paint the house (almost every room), do a bunch of yardwork, and get Jane's swingset up and running in a matter of a few weekends. It's daunting. But I think we can do it. Um. Maybe not, actually. I don't know. It's stressing me out because my husband doesn't want me to help painting. I trust him, but I trust myself better to do the painting where the wall meets the ceiling. I have a steadier hand. Oh my, I forgot I wanted to powerwash and restain the deck. I don't think that one will get done in time for the party. :-/
I got my hair cut. Really quite short. I like it and I dislike it. I mainly like it. I will almost totally like it after it's grown about a quarter of an inch longer.
I had another episode of spotting (first one led to an ER trip) with this pregnancy. An ultrasound yesterday showed that things are going well. I am still so early that we couldn't even see a heartbeat or a fetal pole/aka what will become your baby). But everything is as it should be right now and that is very encouraging. I am feeling sick. That awful pregnancy feeling and it is EXACTLY like what I had with Jane except I didn't get this way until later in the first (technically second) pregnancy. It's this gross feeling and you think eating will help it go away. It's not nausea but I do feel gaggy. It's heartburn and stomach churning and some weird feeling that can only be described as pregnant. It's not cool. I am hoping it doesn't get much worse or otherwise I am going to be a pretty pathetic mom. I already feel guilty because I am sort of in my own world and neglecting Jane. I mean, to the outside I'm not, but I am really not giving her my all. And she deserves that.
Speaking of Jane. She is PRECIOUS (what, you didn't know?). And happy. And talking up a storm. And she has all of her bottom teeth now. And I didn't know this until I counted them in a picture I took of her crying (heh heh). She won't let me SEE her teeth, even when we are brushing. She went to her first half-day at the sitter's house and did very well. I am still exceedingly nervous about it. She goes back on Tuesday for another half-day and then will be fulltime one day a week thereafter. SCARY!!!! When I got to Miss Marie's house to pick her up she cried when she saw me. I kind of thought she would. But apparently she did very well and didn't cry once while I was away. She ate all of her breakfast (bless her little heart) and she played with the other kids and she danced up a storm. She was starting to get sleepy when I got there. She saw me, cried, took her Dora lunchbox that was nearby and said, "take Dora wit me, go home" and then she walked to the front door with her lunchbox and waited for me. Now that broke my heart. Into a million little pieces. I know she had a good time though. But she was ready to go home. Poor baby. I hate leaving her with somebody I really don't know. It makes me feel impotent. It just doesn't feel natural. I really like my job and I really like working part-time, but times like these I would quit if I could.
I know what my next baby girl is going to be named and I love it so much. I am dying for this baby to be a girl. And I know that since I said that, it will be a boy. I thought Jane was a boy for a while and I was actually disappointed when we found out she wasn't. Ha! Disappointed to get my sweet baby Jane?! Crazy! Anyway, even when we thought Jane was a boy, we still didn't have a name picked out. I do not like a single boy's name. I can't find one that gets me excited. Jane got me excited. We knew a girl would be Jane from the get-go. Just like I know my second girl will be Kate. (Katherine). Ah, I really love it. It really makes me excited. Jane and Kate Skinner. Come on. Two strong, classic names. So, whether it's this baby or not, my next baby girl will be Katherine (called Kate) Skinner. If I have a boy, he may be nameless until he's old enough to pick his own name.
We (read my husband) are doing a lot of work on the house right now. We got it raised (foundation stuff) last week so now we are filling in drywall cracks and painting. A big project, although it sounds fairly boring and straightforward. It's not. Logistically speaking it's kind of a nightmare. Only one of us can do the work while the other has to get Jane out of the house. Guess it's back to Grammaw's. She's getting kind of sick of us. We're hoping to have the house ready by Jane's birthday party (April 23). We have to buy a grill, new patio furniture, paint the house (almost every room), do a bunch of yardwork, and get Jane's swingset up and running in a matter of a few weekends. It's daunting. But I think we can do it. Um. Maybe not, actually. I don't know. It's stressing me out because my husband doesn't want me to help painting. I trust him, but I trust myself better to do the painting where the wall meets the ceiling. I have a steadier hand. Oh my, I forgot I wanted to powerwash and restain the deck. I don't think that one will get done in time for the party. :-/
Friday, March 25, 2011
She's Come Undone (sorry Wally Lamb...loved your book by the way!)
I knew this would happen eventually. I just didn't know when and under what circumstances. I have officially lost my mind. I am a total basketcase. A complete emotional trainwreck. I'm flipping out. I'm crying uncontrollably. I am feeling like a panic attack would be a welcome escape from the place I am at the moment.
Pregnancy hormones, denying Jane the opportunity to nurse, having to put her in the care of a complete stranger for 1-2 days a week, plus stopping my Zoloft cold turkey (Yes, again. What's that saying? Ah, yes -- the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results.) have given this girl all she can handle. She's flipped her lid.
Yes, I'm still pregnant. That is great news! Isn't it? I don't even know because my brain is so fried I can't even comprehend the fact that I am pregnant. Apparently, the hormones are raging. I was a cool cucumber (so not) when I was pregnant with Jane. What is with the crying now?! I may have been a chronic worrier, but at least I didn't have to deal with the crying last time.
I've weaned Jane. Or am weaning. I'm not sure if you can say it is past-tense yet. But she will never nurse again. Bring on the waterworks. This is very emotional for me. I know I nursed her long enough. I am not feeling guilty over that. But when she looks at me and tries to take my boobs out of my shirt and cries, "Mommy miiiilk" it really breaks my heart. I want to give her comfort. Now I just give her a reminder that mommy is mean and doesn't love her enough to give her that comfort. She's actually doing remarkably well with it, but occasionally she will slip and ask for milk and when I remind her it is all gone, she whimpers and I have to choke back the tears. Tonight, since I am already in the most fragile state of my life, she saw my cleavage (lol, I know, this sounds weird) and she started crying and said, "mommy hold hand". I lost it. Right there in front of her I started the ugly cry. Then she got very concerned that mommy was crying so she kissed me and got up in my face and said, "hi, hi" like she was trying to take my mind off of crying. And the final blow was when she said, "mommy STOP crying, momma stop crying!". I finally did. It took great effort on my part. I was scaring her. :'(
And now on to what I think is the main part of my breakdown: child care. My mom no longer wants to watch Jane 2 days a week (just one...I think/hope). Jeremy is not going to be able to watch her on his normal day for about 6 weeks. This means the dreaded "outside caregiver" must come into play. I am not mad at my mother. Really. She has been watching Jane since she was an infant for FREE. I knew this day would come. But I was in major denial. We've met with a woman who I think might work. I guess it's really a good deal. She charges $25 a day (I won't tell her I'd pay her $100) and will watch Jane whenever we need her to. Any day of the week. She watches 3 other kids full-time and has a few other "drop-ins" (that is what Jane will be dubbed) on any given day. She is nice. I met her in the park last year and struck up a conversation with her. But I still don't know her. Yes, I got references, but...I just don't have trust. (I am faithless in everything.) I am scared out of my mind about Jane's food allergies. And when I get in the presence of a potential caregiver, I lose my sense of self. I freeze. I don't know what to ask. I don't know how to be normal. I get chatty. My sentences get choppy. I mess up my tenses. I become completely stupid. My tongue gets in my way for crying out loud! I forget to be Jane's advocate and am just really concerned with the fact that if I show any doubt in her maybe she will be mean to my child. I've already run through my mind where I can place a hidden camera in her house so I can make sure she isn't giving the children hard-boiled eggs willy nilly. I seriously have. I thought I could maybe hide one in my diaper bag and strategically place it somewhere I can get a sneak peak. How crazy is that?! Will I really do it? No. (I don't guess so, damnit) I find myself downplaying my fear over her food allergies when really I should just tell this woman that I am scared to death about Jane eating something she's not supposed to and having a horrible ER-neccesary-trip-inducing reaction. She did assure me that it would be no problem to keep Jane's food that I bring from home to just Jane. I just need her to tell me exactly why that is the case. I must get up the strength to ask her for a second interview. After I call every reference on her list, that is. (heh heh...I am such an idiot, I told her we probably wouldn't even need the references). I'm so scared I might offend a possible caregiver. How can this be good parenting? It's not. I'm lame and weak. And spineless.
We went today for our first "interview" but it was during kid hours so it was kind of hard to speak to her at length about any one topic. Jane seemed to like it OK. The kids were really interested in her and had her cornered at one point. Not being mean, but overly embracing of her. She got spooked. Came over to me and said, "go home". Turn dagger in heart another rotation.
Yeah yeah yeah, I stopped my Zoloft. Again. Why? Because I can handle it. I'm pregnant anyway. I don't need it. I totally didn't have a complete panic attack today and call my mom sobbing uncontrollably, "pleeassee.....come.....over....I...can't...breathe". I'm so able to deal with this on my own. That's why I stopped my Zoloft. Cold turkey. For the billionth time in my life. I learn from my past mistakes buddy! You better believe it!
Lastly, one final thing I feel the need to mention is that my body is disgusting. I should have lost all of my excess bagagge (I look like the saggy baggy elephant) before I got knocked up again. Now I feel as if I've passed some kind of critical point and there is no going back to even a halfway decent body. I will never again have a body that won't make me want to vomit and say, "What is that disgusting thing!? Can't be me! What?! That is ME?! Oh my GAWD, kill me now!" again. This second pregnancy will for sure send me spiralling into stretch marks, which I somehow avoided the first time around, and an oddly disappearing lumpy, dented ass for all eternity. Don't laugh. It's not even funny. If you laugh I will cry and I don't know if I am capable of stopping.
Pregnancy hormones, denying Jane the opportunity to nurse, having to put her in the care of a complete stranger for 1-2 days a week, plus stopping my Zoloft cold turkey (Yes, again. What's that saying? Ah, yes -- the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results.) have given this girl all she can handle. She's flipped her lid.
Yes, I'm still pregnant. That is great news! Isn't it? I don't even know because my brain is so fried I can't even comprehend the fact that I am pregnant. Apparently, the hormones are raging. I was a cool cucumber (so not) when I was pregnant with Jane. What is with the crying now?! I may have been a chronic worrier, but at least I didn't have to deal with the crying last time.
I've weaned Jane. Or am weaning. I'm not sure if you can say it is past-tense yet. But she will never nurse again. Bring on the waterworks. This is very emotional for me. I know I nursed her long enough. I am not feeling guilty over that. But when she looks at me and tries to take my boobs out of my shirt and cries, "Mommy miiiilk" it really breaks my heart. I want to give her comfort. Now I just give her a reminder that mommy is mean and doesn't love her enough to give her that comfort. She's actually doing remarkably well with it, but occasionally she will slip and ask for milk and when I remind her it is all gone, she whimpers and I have to choke back the tears. Tonight, since I am already in the most fragile state of my life, she saw my cleavage (lol, I know, this sounds weird) and she started crying and said, "mommy hold hand". I lost it. Right there in front of her I started the ugly cry. Then she got very concerned that mommy was crying so she kissed me and got up in my face and said, "hi, hi" like she was trying to take my mind off of crying. And the final blow was when she said, "mommy STOP crying, momma stop crying!". I finally did. It took great effort on my part. I was scaring her. :'(
And now on to what I think is the main part of my breakdown: child care. My mom no longer wants to watch Jane 2 days a week (just one...I think/hope). Jeremy is not going to be able to watch her on his normal day for about 6 weeks. This means the dreaded "outside caregiver" must come into play. I am not mad at my mother. Really. She has been watching Jane since she was an infant for FREE. I knew this day would come. But I was in major denial. We've met with a woman who I think might work. I guess it's really a good deal. She charges $25 a day (I won't tell her I'd pay her $100) and will watch Jane whenever we need her to. Any day of the week. She watches 3 other kids full-time and has a few other "drop-ins" (that is what Jane will be dubbed) on any given day. She is nice. I met her in the park last year and struck up a conversation with her. But I still don't know her. Yes, I got references, but...I just don't have trust. (I am faithless in everything.) I am scared out of my mind about Jane's food allergies. And when I get in the presence of a potential caregiver, I lose my sense of self. I freeze. I don't know what to ask. I don't know how to be normal. I get chatty. My sentences get choppy. I mess up my tenses. I become completely stupid. My tongue gets in my way for crying out loud! I forget to be Jane's advocate and am just really concerned with the fact that if I show any doubt in her maybe she will be mean to my child. I've already run through my mind where I can place a hidden camera in her house so I can make sure she isn't giving the children hard-boiled eggs willy nilly. I seriously have. I thought I could maybe hide one in my diaper bag and strategically place it somewhere I can get a sneak peak. How crazy is that?! Will I really do it? No. (I don't guess so, damnit) I find myself downplaying my fear over her food allergies when really I should just tell this woman that I am scared to death about Jane eating something she's not supposed to and having a horrible ER-neccesary-trip-inducing reaction. She did assure me that it would be no problem to keep Jane's food that I bring from home to just Jane. I just need her to tell me exactly why that is the case. I must get up the strength to ask her for a second interview. After I call every reference on her list, that is. (heh heh...I am such an idiot, I told her we probably wouldn't even need the references). I'm so scared I might offend a possible caregiver. How can this be good parenting? It's not. I'm lame and weak. And spineless.
We went today for our first "interview" but it was during kid hours so it was kind of hard to speak to her at length about any one topic. Jane seemed to like it OK. The kids were really interested in her and had her cornered at one point. Not being mean, but overly embracing of her. She got spooked. Came over to me and said, "go home". Turn dagger in heart another rotation.
Yeah yeah yeah, I stopped my Zoloft. Again. Why? Because I can handle it. I'm pregnant anyway. I don't need it. I totally didn't have a complete panic attack today and call my mom sobbing uncontrollably, "pleeassee.....come.....over....I...can't...breathe". I'm so able to deal with this on my own. That's why I stopped my Zoloft. Cold turkey. For the billionth time in my life. I learn from my past mistakes buddy! You better believe it!
Lastly, one final thing I feel the need to mention is that my body is disgusting. I should have lost all of my excess bagagge (I look like the saggy baggy elephant) before I got knocked up again. Now I feel as if I've passed some kind of critical point and there is no going back to even a halfway decent body. I will never again have a body that won't make me want to vomit and say, "What is that disgusting thing!? Can't be me! What?! That is ME?! Oh my GAWD, kill me now!" again. This second pregnancy will for sure send me spiralling into stretch marks, which I somehow avoided the first time around, and an oddly disappearing lumpy, dented ass for all eternity. Don't laugh. It's not even funny. If you laugh I will cry and I don't know if I am capable of stopping.
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| Look, it's ME! |
Monday, March 21, 2011
Spring has Sprung
I've known since last Thursday that I am pregnant. Wednesday night I took a test and I swear I saw a line if I held it to the light at an angle just so. I sent my husband out for a digital and took it the next morning. Verdict: PREGNANT. I've since taken about 8 more tests just to be sure. They are all positive.
It's a weird feeling to be pregnant again. I didn't think it would happen this fast. Yes, we were trying, but I was sure it was going to be another long journey. And I am just barely pregnant. We're talking not even a week, so I know it can end in a bad way, but I am hopeful it will not.
So, if all goes well, Jane will be a big sister (to a baby sister, I hope) on or around November 29, 2011. Oops, I picked out our health insurance this year under the assumption I would NOT be having a baby. Oh well, c'est la vie.
Yes, I am very excited. I am just a subdued excited because I know from past experience how these things can turn ugly in the blink of an eye. My first pre-natal appointment is April 13. If I hear a heartbeat that day I will get super excited and freak out. Until then, I am taking care of myself the best I can and am eating up every moment of Jane's existence and loving my life for TODAY.
(in all honesty I'm obsessed with my lack of symptoms, my fear of miscarriage, and wondering how I am going to survive pregnancy with a toddler who is pure energy from 7 to 7, fretting about childcare, Christmas with a new baby, etc.).
Yeah, it's nice to say I'm living in the moment. I'm TRYING to!!!!! I promise.
It's a weird feeling to be pregnant again. I didn't think it would happen this fast. Yes, we were trying, but I was sure it was going to be another long journey. And I am just barely pregnant. We're talking not even a week, so I know it can end in a bad way, but I am hopeful it will not.
So, if all goes well, Jane will be a big sister (to a baby sister, I hope) on or around November 29, 2011. Oops, I picked out our health insurance this year under the assumption I would NOT be having a baby. Oh well, c'est la vie.
Yes, I am very excited. I am just a subdued excited because I know from past experience how these things can turn ugly in the blink of an eye. My first pre-natal appointment is April 13. If I hear a heartbeat that day I will get super excited and freak out. Until then, I am taking care of myself the best I can and am eating up every moment of Jane's existence and loving my life for TODAY.
(in all honesty I'm obsessed with my lack of symptoms, my fear of miscarriage, and wondering how I am going to survive pregnancy with a toddler who is pure energy from 7 to 7, fretting about childcare, Christmas with a new baby, etc.).
Yeah, it's nice to say I'm living in the moment. I'm TRYING to!!!!! I promise.
I'm on Mars!
It's been a while since I've written anything. I've mainly been enjoying life with little to no drama. Jane is growing up at a too-fast pace and she is talking and carrying on conversations. It's amazing to me the difference a year makes in a little one's life.
Right now she's obsessed with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (MMC). Now, before I had kids I swore I wouldn't let them sit in front of the TV all day. And, I don't. But, she does watch like at least 1 hour a day and it's always MMC. I try to cut down but sometimes I need to get something done (like eat dinner in peace) and this is the only thing that will appease her. One of the shows she's seen MANY times is "Goofy on Mars". She now pretends that she is on Mars all of the time and that she has fallen in a hole (as Goofy did). It's pretty neat to see her play make believe. She runs around saying "I'm on Mars! I'm on Mars!" She has also played doctor (like Daisy Duck) and asked her Minnie Mouse doll, "whatsamatter? tummy hurt? nose hurt? right dere? all gone!" So, while I know TV viewing isn't the best, it has enabled her to play make believe in a way that she did not do before this obsession.
Yes, I still adore her. Yes, I still love being her mother. She amazes me every day. She turns 2 in one month. Bittersweet!
Right now she's obsessed with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (MMC). Now, before I had kids I swore I wouldn't let them sit in front of the TV all day. And, I don't. But, she does watch like at least 1 hour a day and it's always MMC. I try to cut down but sometimes I need to get something done (like eat dinner in peace) and this is the only thing that will appease her. One of the shows she's seen MANY times is "Goofy on Mars". She now pretends that she is on Mars all of the time and that she has fallen in a hole (as Goofy did). It's pretty neat to see her play make believe. She runs around saying "I'm on Mars! I'm on Mars!" She has also played doctor (like Daisy Duck) and asked her Minnie Mouse doll, "whatsamatter? tummy hurt? nose hurt? right dere? all gone!" So, while I know TV viewing isn't the best, it has enabled her to play make believe in a way that she did not do before this obsession.
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