Oh man, I rock!

I am getting a thimerosal-free flu shot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO RELIEVED. The pediatrician's office will let me get one of theirs. Oh man oh man oh man...

I am ELATED!

How funny. I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday stressing out over this. And I mean major stress. I researched on the internet all day. I dreamt about flu shots. I cried about it. I couldn't talk about anything other than this to anyone who crossed my path.

And it ended up working out. (Thanks to my hard work and a lengthy search.)

Same thing for child care. My mother is going to watch the baby until s/he is 8 months old. This means we have until next December to find a permanent babysitter/day care. I feel so much better about leaving my infant child with my own MOTHER than a total stranger. And maybe by the time the baby is 8 months old I will feel OK about moving them to the whole day care thing. Plus, that gives us more time to find someone we are comfortable with AND it means that the original babysitter we wanted may end up working out afterall. (As a sidenote, I did not pressure my mother into this. She is insisting that she wants to watch the baby. And I am insisting that I pay her. I am not a spoiled brat--well, I probably am, but I try not to be. I know I am incredibly lucky to have this opportunity for my child. I cannot pass it up.)

So, the lesson that I should learn from these two "stories" is that it will work out and I don't need to get all freaked out from the get-go. I should have more faith in myself and my ability to get things done. It does take work, but I can do it one phone call at a time. ;) How cheesy is THAT?!

I'm sorry. I'm just so damn excited about that flu shot. ;)

The Next Dilemma

The flu shot. Highly recommended for pregnant women. Impossible to find thimerosal-free.

Thimerosal is mercury. It's that preservative they've been adding to vaccines for a long time. It's also controversial. You know...thanks to Jenny McCarthy, this has been put into the lime light in recent years. Autism is on the rise and a lot of parents blame their children's vaccines as pushing them over the edge into Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). It makes sense. But there have simply been no studies that show a link to ASD and vaccinations. It's all just speculation at this point. Kind of a mass hysteria if you ask me. The CDC will tell you that their studies do not link the two and the parents will tell you the CDC is only protecting their own interests.

And as a parent to be, it's kind of hard to know who or what to believe. I tend to lean towards the CDC. I like to think I am an optimist about our government and our country. I in no way believe that there is a mass conspiracy going on about these vaccinations (the government couldn't pull that off even if they were that evil). I truly believe that the doctors and scientists of our country are honestly looking for a specific link to autism. And I believe that they have not found the smoking gun. That's kind of scary.

So what do I do? Do I get the recommended flu shot? I want to. I feel like it is the responsible thing to do. If I do get the flu this season I will probably be in my third trimester. And pregnant women get more complications from the flu. If I get the flu, I could DEFINITELY be putting my child at risk. In fact, I just read that flu exposure in pregnant women is being studied as a link to autism! WTF?! So much conflicting evidence out there...

So here is what I know. If I do not get the flu shot I have a better chance of getting the flu. If I do get the flu, there is proof that it could really cause me some serious problems and possibly even harm the baby. If I do get the flu shot, I could still get the flu, although my chances are obviously lower. I would be exposing my baby to thimerosal, which some people say can be a link to autism. Some people say = they really don't know.

I am opting for the shot. My doctor recommends it. A lot of ob-gyn's require it. But to clear my conscience, I have searched high and low for a thimerosal-free shot. They do make them, but they are impossible to find. In fact, 7 states have imposed legislation that requires pregnant women to be vaccinated with the mercury-free version (not mine, of course). So they are out there. But nowhere near me. I have called TN, IL, IN, and all around KY. My own physican will not order me a thimerosal-free shot. Said they are too expensive (yeah $4 more per shot...oooh!!!).

I have one last call out to a pediatrician's office. They have the shots!! BUT, they will only give them to children 3 and under. I left a message with their office manager asking if they would be willing to give a pregnant woman one of these shots. Technically, my baby is 3 and under. Just not officially HERE yet....We'll see what they say. I doubt they will let me. They will probably recommend I talk to my regular physician about it. Gee, thanks. Already done that.

I am making parental decisions before I even know what the sex of my child is and I am finding that they are very hard. Child care and vaccinations are both really scary things to me. I just don't want to make the wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my life.

The problem is, you don't know if you are making the right decision and you never will. Even if my child ends up with autism, I have no proof that the flu shot I got while pregnant was the cause. No proof at all. I hate going on "faith". I want science. Guess that means I will be going with the CDC and getting my recommended flu shot this year, just as I always do.

I am just SICK over child care

I knew the sitter was too good to be true. I knew something had to give. Well, it did. I called her today and she said that she was probably getting a baby in June and therefore wouldn't be able to help us out.

This sitter sounded like a DREAM. One of my friends recommended her to me. She cares for children in her home. 5-7 kids at a time and only one baby at a time. She would charge only $75-85 per week. And when I asked my friend if she could think of any complaints about this sitter, she sat there for a second and finally said, "No, I pretty much think she's perfect. I just wish she lived in my neighborhood." So I was pretty much stoked that I was gonna get such a good sitter who was trustworthy and HIGHLY recommended to watch my infant four days a week. Every question and concern I had about her my friend would quickly dispel with encouraging facts about the way she worked. I was so relieved about it all, since day care was one of my biggest concerns as a mother-to-be. It all seemed too good to be true. And I guess it was.

Now I am looking at day care facilities. Day Care Centers are awful. The best you can expect around here is six babies to one caregiver. And this one caregiver is someone you won't know anything about. I don't understand how one person can care for six crying babies at once and give them the personal attention they need. Jon and Kate couldn't even do that with their own six babies. They always had outside help...plus each other. I'm in extreme distress over this. My child is going to be put into a baby factory. Not only is my 8 week old child going to a place like this (pictured above is one of the best places in my town), but I am going to have to pay MORE. $60-80 a week more, in fact. PLUS, I have to fill out applications, pay an application fee and get on a WAITING list.

My sister worked at a day care facility not too long ago. She said that the baby room was very depressing. Babies were crying and the caregivers picked their favorites. They would just let the babies cry forever. She tells me that she would NEVER send her child to a place like this. And the same friend who recommended the sitter said that she has talked to people who have worked in day care facilities too. She said that they would often put babies in closets and close the doors because they wouldn't stop crying. Yet, this is my only choice. What else can I do? I can't quit my job. Jeremy and I depend on both of our incomes to pay our bills. Our house payment is just as low as rent would be too, so it's not like we could just downsize.

I don't guess our baby will have a very good start to his or her life. I'm already a horrible parent.

The Perfect Life

I won't go into details, but a couple of my friends have been having some REAL problems in their lives lately. Not petty little "I can't afford a new TV" problems and "I hate my hair and my clothes" problems. But big stuff that is complicated and hard to solve. Stuff that makes me uncomfortable and at a loss for words and advice on what they should do.

This has sort of opened my eyes a little bit. I have the PERFECT life. I have NO problems. Simple as that. I am very grateful.

But I am not chalking my wonderful life up to complete luck (although I know some is involved). I have made the proper choices in my life that has led to me being in the situation I am in now. I am giving myself credit for my great life. I know I will not always be in such a blissful situation and that bad things will happen. But I also know that what does happen to me isn't going to be as crazy as some of the stuff that my friends are going through right now. Making the right decisions makes a big difference in your life and your level of happiness. So major kudos to me for being so smart. I thank myself.

What is the etiquette here?

I am SO stressed out today.

About four months ago we signed an agreement with a local company (whose name I will not mention...yet) to install new windows in our home. This is costing us $4,000. This company told us it would take about 3 weeks before they got to our job. Yeah...this was four months ago. So today they decide they are going to install our windows. Called me yesterday to say that they would be at our house between 8:30 and 9:00. This morning at 8:15 I get a call from the company owner saying that one of his guys didn't show up. Now they want to store the windows in our garage and will only get to maybe 3 of them today. My husband waited for them at the house. The men who showed up are complete rednecks. Tattoos on their necks, all of them smoking, none of them will really look you in the eye when you speak to them.

And now these men are in my home. UNaccompanied. I am so nervous about this. It is making me sick. #1, they better not smoke in my house. #2, they better not leave cigarette butts in my yard. #3, what if they go through our stuff? What if they go through my files and get all of my personal information? I just do not trust them.

This is a reputable company that has been in our town for quite some time. But ugh...how am I supposed to trust these men? I mean, come on....NECK tattoos!!!!!!

I hate contractors. They are liars. They will say anything just to appease you in the moment and then turn around and do exactly the opposite of what they said. I don't know how to deal with this situation. I am not one to call and get all rude with them because they have the upper hand right now. They are in my home. I just do not like this at all. I really don't know what to do.

And just now I posted the same question on my ivillage message boards and the first response I got was one saying that they would NOT allow anyone unaccompanied in their house. This makes me feel even worse. I don't know what to do. I can't leave work and neither can my husband. I'm just stuck.

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Update: Wow...I think I kind of freaked out earlier. I don't know what came over me but I was just so stressed out over that. The solution was easy. I called the company's owner and talked to her about my concerns. She made me feel so much better. Said people will leave their keys with them all the time and even go on vacation while they are working. I know she HAD to say that, but she was definitely reassuring. She said that they wouldn't hire anybody if it was a concern.

I seriously think I freaked out due to hormones. I don't normally get like THAT. I mean, obviously I worry a lot, but that was an extreme case of weird-ness for me. Phew...I'm blaming the baby on that outburst.

Must Be the Pregnancy Hormones

I say it a lot. I love my husband. He's the best. But I feel like I need to say it again today. I am so lucky to have him in my life. I didn't do anything to deserve a good marriage/husband. It's just dumb luck. I don't necessarily think I am a desirable mate. It's not like I have many really great qualities. I'm sometimes selfish, I am clingy, jealous, and I can be quite mean when I put my mind to it. But yet here I am, married to the perfect person for me. Not that we don't ever have our problems. Of course there have been some slumps. But I just want the universe to know that I am grateful. I want my husband to know that I am aware of the inequities in our marriage. I feel like I don't deserve him. He's too good for me. But I will take him and keep him and appreciate every moment I have with him.

I say this because I am currently in a state of panic over him leaving me for just one night. I don't know WHY I don't want him to visit his friends in Nashville. And it seems very petty and selfish of me to even tell him that I don't want him to go. Yet, I can't help it. I obviously am a chronic worrier and with me being pregnant, my fear of him dying or getting injured has increased tenfold. I don't want him to leave my sight. I'm scared. I feel very vulnerable. I know it may not be rational, but it's the way I feel.

I have no insightful closing. I am just feeling very lucky and very worried at the same time today and had to get it on paper.

Elation

I've had a lot happen in the last several days. I am finally GIDDY about being pregnant.

Early Wednesday morning woke up to cramping, diarrhea and some SPOTTING. Needless to say, I completely panicked. I woke DH and he immediately agreed we'd go to the ER. So we did. I got there at the perfect time...5:30 a.m. Got right in and hardly had to wait at all. The internal exam showed no visible bleeding and a closed cervix, which was a good sign. But the best part of the visit was that they got me in for an ultrasound. WE SAW THE BABY he was measuring at 12 weeks with a heartbeat of 162. I say "he" because the ultrasound tech clearly saw a great picture where the baby's legs were spread wide open and there was definitely a little "thing" between his legs. It was amazing to see the baby moving around. I cried.

So I went to see my ob-gyn yesterday and he confirmed that everything looked great. Apparently, diarrhea can cause UTERINE contractions and I had an irritated cervix so that may be the explanation for the spotting. I haven't had any since, so that's a good thing. My doctor is amazing. He took the time to answer all of my questions (I had a list) and he tried to hear the heartbeat via Doppler. He couldn't find it, so I got another ultrasound. Baby was still there kicking and squirming away. So neat and so cute. I even got a picture this time. :)

Doctor did say that it is definitely way too early to call it a boy. So I have to erase the thought of a boy in my mind. I don't want to get attached to one sex too early.

Later that night I used my own rented doppler to search for the heartbeat and guess what? FOUND IT! I had a feeling I could.

Everything is great. I am happy is an understatement. I am starting to relax a little bit. I am starting to bond with baby. I love being pregnant!! Even though I am sick and tired, I am just elated to be where I am right now. I love maternity clothes, I love that I'm getting a thicker waistline, I love it all.

Baby stuff

I bought my first maternity clothes over the weekend. I don't necessarily NEED them just yet, but considering that my fall clothes from last year are too small (yeah, they would be too small even if I had never gotten pregnant) I figured I might as well. I have 10 days to return the items, so if there is no heartbeat on Thursday and I find out the worst has happened, at least I will still have time to return these clothes. I bought the stuff from Motherhood Maternity. I am a bit surprised at how little time they give you to return the items. But their clothes are awesome. I mean, even if I wasn't pregnant some of the tops I got are just so cute. The "maternity look" is in anyway right now. Now I can finally participate. When I wasn't pregnant I just looked ridiculous in them. Now I feel all neat wearing maternity clothes. There is a certain freedom in wearing this stuff. You are allowed to be your own shape and that's nice.

So, in other news, I have my next prenatal appointment this Thursday morning. I am really nervous about it. They are going to try and hear the heartbeat with a fetal doppler. I rented one and have tried three times to hear the heartbeat on my own. Failed each time. That's a little disconcerting. But not entirely since I have read that this early on it is not necessarily a sure bet that you will hear it. My uterus is tipped and I do have a little extra padding, so I am hoping this is the reason for no heartbeat.

In my heart I feel like everything with the pregnancy is fine. This kind of scares me because if I find out it isn't, then I will be all the more devastated. We'll see...all I can do is wait.

I'm still feeling pretty icky. Most of the time I feel OK but I'm finding that I am always hungry yet never wanting to eat anything. Food doesn't taste good at all. I get headaches, heartburn, indigestion and fatigue. Ah the joys. I seriously wouldn't trade it. I love every second of each symptom I have. I've gotten lucky with the nausea/vomitting. Hardly any nausea at all and zero vomitting. So even though I really wanted morning sickness, it's a good thing I didn't get it and still have a hopefully healthy pregnancy.

And lastly, let me just say that my husband is a saint. I seriously don't know how I would make it without him. He has made a big breakfast for me (us) the last two Sundays and he has been cleaning the house too. He's just wonderful. Without him I'd be in big trouble.