My Papaw

Well, my grandfather died. My dad's dad. It is a relief for my family, I think. It makes me realize that I didn't really know my grandfather at all. He never really talked when I was around. He would ask me, "how is school" or "do you have a boyfriend" but nothing really was ever said about him. He never said, when I was a boy we....

Maybe it was me. Maybe I just never cared enough to learn about his life and to ask questions. I don't really know how many brothers or sisters he had. I don't know if he was in WWII even. I don't know what kind of childhood he had. Where he grew up, what his parents were like, if he did well in school, how he met my grandmother. Why don't I know these things?

I do know that he had a wonderful sense of humor, even when he started to go downhill. He also had to have a lot of patience. He lived with my grandmother, for crying out loud! For Christmas last year my grandparents gave everyone $100.00 instead of the usual $50.00 that we always got. I know it was because Papaw knew it was his last Christmas. That makes me sad.

I haven't cried yet. I will at the funeral. I will when I see my dad cry and when I see Papaw's body in the casket. I just hope that he enjoyed his life. He lived a long time. 86 is pretty good, I think!

I hope I make it to 86. But I also hope that I stop to enjoy myself along the way. Things like this make you think about your own life and unavoidable death. I'm pretty happy with how I am living. I just want all of my friends and family to feel the same. I think I'm going to re-read some of my Buddhism books now. They always help me feel more centered. It's kind of funny. Most people would turn to the Bible and Jesus and all that jazz. Instead, I turn to my Buddhist books. Hmm...maybe I have a religion afterall. No. Not a religion; a philosophy on living. Religions focus on saving your soul and getting into heaven. That's boring. Let's focus on LIVING and enjoying our lives. As far as we know, we only get one life and one body. Buddhism makes me appreciate that one life and that one body.

OK. I didn't mean for this to turn into a discussion on religious philosophies or anything. I did love my Papaw. And I am very sad that his life is over. Even if he lived the best life ever and lived to be 120 years old, I would still be sad. But he is no longer suffering. He is at peace now.

Ciao.

Bob Loblaw

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful

Not sure what's going on in my brain lately, but this week has been full of brief moments of panic. I hate anxiety. Unease, worry, dread, fear. These are all things I feel in these temporary moments of insanity. I feel like I am about to freak out. My heart races, I feel adrenaline rushes, I think I'm gonna just seriously FLIP OUT.

Why does this happen when everything in my life is good? I have such a low stress life. And yes, I've been taking my Zoloft.

I think it all started when I decided that I would try to get pregnant again. I'm paralyzed by the fear of another miscarriage. And I am also certain that if I do not get pregnant soon, I will have missed my window of fertility. Something will go wrong with my reproductive organs. I am convinced of this.

And then I have that sense of "something's not right". What is it that I am worrying about again? I don't know, but I'm sure it's something. It's right under the surface ready to come out at the drop of a hat, or more appropriately, at the moment of a misfired brain impulse.

If everything is going so well, surely something bad is going to happen. I can sense it looming.

I'm a classic hypochondriac. A classic case of general anxiety disorder. Yet none of this comforts me. At these realizations, my brain just goes on to think that some terrible disease must be causing the chemical imbalance I've enjoyed for so long. Maybe I have a blood disorder. Cancer. Lupus. It's got to be something.

Yes. I am nuts. This, I believe.

I love my husband

It's not often that I talk about the good things in my marriage. Usually, when I am talking about my marriage to my friends, it is about all of the things that are wrong, or more commonly, about all of the things he is DOING wrong. ;) But I don't have much to complain about lately. My husband is my best friend and I love him very much. This is the best feeling in the world. He is the best man in the world for me and I am pretty sure of that. He tells me how pretty I am on my "ugly days". He keeps me laughing all the time. He knows what to say to me when I am worried or scared. He just gets me and knows every little thing about me that there is to know. I feel so comfortable and safe when I am with him and when he's gone I always miss him, even if we are in the midst of a fight. Despite all of my faults (there are a few) he still loves me and accepts me as is. It's amazing. May everyone be as lucky as I am to find such a compatible partner in life.

I didn't

I have no excuse.

I must

I must work out tonight.

Dog, no dog, dog, no dog

OK. We tried it. We really did. We gave it our best shot. Buckley is no more. Poor dog. We took him in for the weekend and found out that we are not meant to be dog parents. He is back at the LIFE House today awaiting another adoption. Dogs are so much work, and my instincts always told me that this wasn't going to be the best idea. But DH really seemed to want a dog, so I went with it. Next time I may speak up a bit more. It's just not fair though...I do have my 3 cats and DH never wanted them in the first place. He should be able to have a dog if he wants one. But he doesn't and I don't and I am relieved.

When your instincts tell you something, it is often best to listen.

Lesson learned.

Britney Gossip

I'm sorry. I have to post something about poor Britney Spears. I hate to do it, but I have something to say.

Yes, she seems to be very dumb. Yes, most of the criticism she is getting may be well deserved. I did not see the VMAs the other night. I have seen tidbits of her performance and it does look as though she was in a bit of a trance. But I don't really care about all of that. Whatever, right?

What I don't like about all of this talk is the criticism of her weight. I have read articles that say she was out of shape and shouldn't have worn the revealing outfit that she did. I have also read several other criticisms of her "mushy midsection". I don't think this is fair. It makes me mad, like the cover of Star magazine did. She looked pretty fit to me. That's all I am saying. If she is a fat blob, then I need to get in some kind of intense cardio training immediately. Maybe it's a good thing that she went on national TV without being in the best shape of her life. At least she's showing that she isn't ashamed of her body. Why does she have to be perfect in order to go onstage in a bikini? Why can't we accept some flaws? I so very much hate the fact that if a celebrity shows one ounce of fat on her body, we have to pounce. It's stupid. And it's lame.

Apparently I'm not the only one who is enraged by all this fat talk either. http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/Music/09/11/bulging.britney.ap/index.html

That's it. I will try not to talk about Britney Spears ever again. I promise.

Slow week and random musings

I've been sick since Monday evening. It's not very fun. But I'm getting better and on Friday after work we pick up Buckley for a trial weekend to see how he fits in with the family. I'm excited about him, yet I still have reservations about the whole dog thing. I hope it all works out. Tonight we dog proof the yard. Apparently, he's a master escape artist, so we are going to need to patch up some places in our fence that would prove fruitful for one trying to escape.

This week has been so slow, hasn't it? I mean, really. SLOW...

I hate it when you finish a really good book. I just got done reading Green Darkness and now I just feel annoyed at all the other books I try. I am reading "In the Company of a Courtesan" and it just doesn't compare. Maybe I need to take a reading break...

I need to get back into my dieting/exercise routine. I did really good for a week and then I had the bachelorette party. Well, after that everything went out the window. I was lazy on the weekend and then I got sick and now it's been almost a week since I've exercised and I have begun to get back into my old habits of eating out too much. Darn it I hate cooking. When I am sick I just can't cook. I can't even heat up a can of soup. It's too much for me. I can't wait to see what kind of a mother this will make me.

My grandfather is very sick. He's old. He's going to die soon, I guess. I can't bring myself to go visit him. I never knew him very well. Getting old is a terrible business. I wish we could all control the way in which we die. I don't guess many people get the deaths of their choice though, otherwise the number one cause of death would be going to sleep and just never waking up. I feel bad that I don't feel that bad though. I think that when he dies, it will be a bit of a relief for everyone. Especially him. He's miserable. That's no way to live. I guess you expect your grandparents to die, so it isn't that shocking. My favorite grandmother died when I was 16 and that was actually quite hard on me. Since then, I have kind of toughened up I think. Like with Remmy...when he died it killed me. Now when another one of my pets die, I don't think I will grieve as hard. It's kind of like you've been broken. Does that make ANY sense? The number one thing that bothers me about my grandfather being so ill is knowing how it is going to affect my father when he dies. Seeing my dad cry is very hard on me. I hate it.

Well, I will end this miserable blog now. Not everything in my life is bad right now. We are getting a dog and my marriage is wonderful and my husband is happy and I'm very much in love with him. I will focus on the good. But sometimes it helps to write about the bad. It gets it out of your system.

Cheers.

Sunday boring Sunday

Not much to report. I went to a bachelorette party on Friday night for a co-worker of mine. It was fun, but I don't really have any stories to tell from that...

My husband and I are thinking of adopting this cute little dog. DH seems interested, although part of me thinks it's a bad idea. I'm slightly allergic to dogs and although this one is nice, I don't have the same motherly feelings for him that I have for my cats. I'm a true cat person. It can't be helped. If we got him we'd name him Buckley. I like Beagles. I met Buckley on Friday and he was very sweet. He's 2-3 years old and was almost euthanized very recently until the LIFE House saved him. If we don't adopt him someone else will. Lucky for Buckley, the LIFE House doesn't euthanize. DH may go meet him tomorrow.

I still have that overwhelming sense of boredom in my life. I don't think it's depression, and yes, I've been taking my Zoloft. It's just a sense of unrest, I suppose. Maybe Buckley would give me something to "do" for a while.

Boredom and babies

I find myself bored a lot lately and for no real reason. Part of me thinks it's the old baby conundrum rearing its ugly head. One side of me desperately does not want children and the other side of me is pretty sure she needs to pro-create and quickly at that. It's kind of tricky. When are you supposed to have babies? With the invention of birth control pills women were given a new freedom. Now I am beginning to think it's too much freedom! (not really...just for the record) But I almost wish someone would tell me what to do. I need a timeline; a plan.

When I sit and rationally think of it, I come up with a lot of reasons NOT to have children. I am pretty much bored to death with other people's children and absolutely cannot talk to them. Most kids are hideously ugly to me (sorry), and I am generally not amused by their obnoxious and incoherent babble. There are exceptions, but they are few and far between.

A co-worker of mine recently brought her amiable child into my office to "meet" me. Upon making eye contact with me he very promptly shut his mouth and just stared at me. This was just after he had been chatting it up with the other women in the office, hugging them, blowing kisses, jabbering at them and so on. Am I not motherly? I guess not. I don't try to be. I can't bring myself to talk like a crazy person and bounce up and down just to get some sort of reaction. I can't. I WON'T!

I live a pretty stress-free life. I do what I want when I want and I like it that way. I can come home from work and take a 2 hour nap, wake up and go to the gym and then stay up until 12:00 watching late night TV. I like it this way. I have expendable income for the first time in my life too. I can travel and buy brand name clothing. I could, right now, make a quick trip to Wal-Mart and drop $100.00 without batting an eye. These are all good things. But once BABY arrives, this all ends. All of it. Right? No more extra money. No more free time. No more SLEEP for that matter. (And sleep is one of my most treasured pastimes!)

I haven't even scratched the surface yet. There are other HUGE issues that having a baby brings to mind: day care, miscarriages, maternity leave, breastfeeding, a new house....I can't even think past the first 6 weeks of my future child's life! What if I raise a moron? What then? What if I have a child that insists upon being religious (oh the horror!) or a (gasp!) Republican?! (Thanks Ms. TB for bringing that horrible thought into my head.) I just don't know if I could handle it.

But despite all of this, despite all of these reasons...I still want a baby.

Star Magazine is HORRENDOUS

Have you seen the current cover of Star Magazine? "45 Best and Worst Beach Bodies" Now, I know that Star magazine is trash. I have always known this. But for some reason, this month's issue really bothers me.

The magazine cover makes me ill. My sister tells me that half of these pictures aren't even "real", but....I am sickened that the media spits out trash like this and that people actually buy it. J Lo has a little bit of cellulite. Ooh, let's expose her and talk about what a horrible body she has. She ought to be shot. Let's take a picture in the most unflattering light and post it on our magazine cover for all the vulnerable young girls of the world to see and digest. What kind of a message is this? They are giving props to the women who have seemingly perfect bodies and they are completely exposing the women who do NOT have perfect bodies as shameful and ugly. This is simply inexcusable to me. They are being so critical of these women and it really makes me mad. I think all of those female celebrities should be applauded for having the nerve to actually set foot out-of-doors in a bikini knowing that their photos will be taken. Kudos to them all!!

The next magazine cover better be about fat, balding actors who dare walk out on the streets of Hollywood...

Sexism runs rampant.

Alone on Saturday night

So, my husband is out of town tonight and I find myself alone and loving it. Not really loving it because I do miss him, but I do like to have the house to myself from time to time. I am cleaning and watching what I want to on TV. Hmm...think I'll go get a beer. It's weird how somebody else changes the way I act. When I am alone, I am more prone to get up and actually do something. I guess when you have someone else around it's a good excuse to be lazy. When DH (dear husband) is gone, I tend to have fewer excuses. When we are together being lazy at least we are together. If you are alone being lazy...well, that's a sin isn't it?

So I went shopping today with my mother. Clothes shopping. I have graduated into a bigger size (not telling WHAT size) from what I was when I last went shopping. It doesn't really bother me though. Wonder why...I am eating right and exercising and if that's not enough to keep me model slim, too bad. Just yesterday I told DH that we needed to cut down on our spending. I laughed as I rehashed to my mom what I told him while handing over $100 to the cashier. She said she always tells my dad the same thing only to find herself at the mall the next day. But since we are the ones who control the finances in our households, our husbands will never know. It's better that they don't. I can't actually justify spending $50.00 on ANOTHER pair of black sandals. I just know that I need those sandals! OK. I stretched the truth a little. I did buy a pair of black sandals today but they were only $14.95 marked down from $59. Clearance rack! :)

I'm reading a really good book right now. Green Darkness by Anya Seton. It's always great to find a good book. Now that Harry Potter is gone I am moving into the world of historical fiction. I think that's what you would call it at least. Green Darkness is neat so far. It's about reincarnation, which is an interesting subject to ponder on, although I find it entirely impossible to actually believe in. I wish I believed in reincarnation. I'm going to pretend I do. :P

Well, I really have nothing ground breaking to say today. This is my first blog and I don't want to set the bar too high or else I'll never write again. But this is fun. Maybe I'll write another post here in a minute if something strikes me as blog-worthy.

I think I deserve mad props for putting in an internet link thingie on my first blog, by the way!