Fa La La La La

Dumb title.  Especially since I have no idea what I am going to write about today. 

I lied.  I'm pretty sure I know what I'll write about. 

JANE:

She is CRAWLING!  I am quite surprised.  I did not think she was going to crawl since she has adamantly refused any and all tummy time since birth.  Note to self: don't freak out if any future babies don't like tummy time.  The doctors will act as though they will never be able to function properly without tummy time.  This is a lie.  They will be just fine.  Anyway, she's mobile and it's adorable.  She will crawl with her mouth open in a giant smile as though she's doing the neatest thing anyone has ever imagined.  And it is. 

And on Monday, she started babbling.  Just overnight she decided she would start talking.  This was also something I was worried about.  Those stupid baby milestone books had me believing that she should be talking all the time and she just wasn't.  But now she babbles up a storm, mababamamawawa.  It's also the cutest thing ever to hear your baby's little voice "talking".  Aaah, pure sweetness.

I'm stoked about these two little milestones that she's hit, but also a bit taken aback.  I did not have time to digest the crawling before she started babbling.  And she's already trying to stand.   I am not prepared for how fast they grow the first year.  My baby will not be a baby much longer and she was just born!  I am enjoying each moment like they say, but that isn't helping to slow down time like I hoped.  :(

Jane's sleep is still horrendous.  The last 3 nights have been particularly rough.  She just wakes up around 2 and won't go back to sleep for sometimes up to 3 hours.  It is HELL for me.  I am thinking it is because she is learning so many new things now.  She will wake up and babble or try to sit.  She just wants to be awake all the time.  It's actually quite sweet...she's so happy and she wants to practice all of her new things.  I am somehow making it (despite insomnia as well, which is just adding insult to injury).  I can't believe I am only functioning on roughly 5 hours of sleep a night, EVERY night (often less).  I will say that my memory is shot.  Both short-term and long-term.  I hope I get it back one day.  Until then I will just have to keep writing every thing down.

I don't believe in babies that sleep through the night.  I refuse to believe they exist.  If somebody tells me their baby is a good sleeper, I assume they are lying.  Or, even worse,  I assume they left their baby to cry-it-out so said baby is now defeated and hopeless and has given up on life and their parents.  Whether it is true or not, that is what keeps me from punching these parents in the face.  :-P  If your baby sleeps or slept through the night, please don't tell me.

We are going to visit the in-laws this weekend for Christmas. I am not looking forward to it, to put it mildly. I will not go into it further for consideration of my husband's feelings. :-/ But if I survive this weekend, it will be a Christmas miracle. heh

Tomorrow I am getting my hair chopped off.  I'm sick of the long hair.  It's a mess and Jane is always pulling it.  I hope it looks decent.  I've had it short before but I was much thinner then.  My face is a lot puffier (fatter) now so I don't think it can possibly look as good as it did before.  Short hair will probably make me look fatter.  Maybe it will motivate me to lose weight.  Maybe. 

Speaking of being fat, I am seriously considering the purchase of a treadmill even though we absolutely cannot afford it and don't have the room for it.  Suze Orman would DENY me this purchase in a millisecond.  But there is absolutely no other way for me to get any exercise in the winter.  The only time I have is after Jane goes to bed at night and I can't leave the house because she wakes up so often and only wants MOMMY (that's me) to get back to sleep.  So, theoretically I could get on the treadmill and then run in to her hot and sweaty when she wakes up and just go back and forth.  Otherwise, I am getting negative exercise in my life.  My hips are proof.

That is all for now.  I am caught up at work so I am betting I will write another blog entry later today, especially if I keep drinking the coffee.  Coffee makes me chatty.

Born in the USA

So I am lying in bed and not sleeping for some strange reason and I couldn't help but think about how lucky I am to live where I do.  It's something I take for granted a lot.  It doesn't occur to me often, but when it does I feel a little guilty about my good fortune in life.  I was listening to NPR the other day and was disturbed by the news of 4 car bombs going off in Iraq killing over a hundred people.  Normally I would hear this and just go on with my day.  Yea, yea car bomb in Iraq.  What else is new?  But this time it really bothered me.  What if this happened in my town?  Wow, that would be something else...  Over a hundred people DIED just like that. 

So I don't really want to talk about how horrible the world is, because that is really beyond this blog, but I do want to focus on how lucky I am today. 

I never worry about my safety.  I wake up in the morning fully expecting to make it through the day unscathed.  Fears of car bombs, terrorist attacks, or any other casualty of war does not cross my mind.  Can you imagine living in constant fear for your life?

I have clean water to drink every day.  I can take a HOT shower any time of day or night.  I can go to the grocery store right now and buy enormous amounts of food if I wish.  I can say I am an atheist and not be afraid of being stoned to death.  I can wear shorts in public (although I haven't in a while...probably has to do with the enormous amounts of food mentioned above).  I have the right to vote, to drive, to get a job.  Not every woman in the world has these opportunities and I am fully aware of that.

And thinking about these things with Jane in mind makes me even more grateful.  I can't imagine how mothers feel who cannot be sure their child will have clean water to drink or food to eat the next day or medicine to make them well, etc.  It makes me sick to my stomach to really think about. 

So while I will whine and complain about little petty things, I always know that I am extraordinarily lucky that I even have the opportunity to whine and complain about these little petty things. 

A Numbered List of General Stuff

So since I am so damn good at my job, I am all caught up and have some time to waste.


Let's see...what can I write about???

How about some random comments that maybe only my mother would find interesting:

1. When I was TTC I found these message boards on Ivillage.com. I have been a member of several boards since then and I cannot say enough good things about them. Currently I am a frequent poster on an April 2009 playgroup. It is a place where many women come to post questions, vent, share photos, etc. of their babies all born in April of 2009. Without these women (whom I do not know), I would be lost. I do not have many friends with little babies. Well, none actually. The support I get from this board is absolutely wonderful. As anyone who knows me understands: I worry. A lot. And being able to ask questions about pregnancy, motherhood, what is normal, etc. has really saved my sanity. I love my virtual friends on this message board.

2. Jane is sort of crawling. Two honorary uncles came to visit us over the weekend and she really showed off for them. She took her first little crawl steps and has since started to try it out more. She can only go like one or two "steps" and then will stretch out on her tummy, roll over and then sit up only to do it again. This is monumental stuff here. Soon we are going to have to babyproof the house, which I have been delaying and dreading since before conception.

3. Jane's laughter lights up my life. http://www.youtube.com/Skinnerfamilyvideos#p/a/u/0/_wHCpVDWVsI

4. This weekend is going to be my ONLY weekend to do my Christmas shopping. I have no idea what I am buying for anyone, although most people are getting a framed photo of Jane because I know that is what everyone is dying to have. ;-)

5. Wonder how many times I can fit the name Jane into a blog entry....
janejanejanejanejanejanejanejanejanejane. Wow. A lot!

6. I have never in my life been so content. It's almost unnerving.

7. I guess since I am so content I should be able to get myself together enough to start trying to lose some weight. It's all cold outside and dark early and so my activity level has decreased dramatically in the last month or so. My greatest obstacle is getting enough sleep so I can function well enough to make the smart decisions. (And while I have received some comments about baby sleep training books and do appreciate the sentiment, we are just fine. As I have stated before, no form of CIO will be practiced in my household even if it is guaranteed to work. And, yes, I still reserve the right to complain about not sleeping.)

8. I am making all of Jane's baby food (or most of it) and I am finding it very rewarding and quite easy to do.  I never thought I would do something like this, but a lot of the girls on my message board were doing it so I thought I'd give it a shot.  It's fun and I feel like I am cooking for my baby.  She loves her mommy's cooking (so far). 

9. I would like to thank Karmapearl for inspiring me to jazz up my blog a bit. Hope you like my new background. I also tried adding a video link to the right side but these random YouTube videos kept showing up even though I set it to MY channel. So that has been nixed for now. I used to be fairly OK at stuff like this but I am finding that I become less technologically advanced as each day passes. What I want to know is how anyone understands HTML. And what is it? And is that something you just "pick up" these days or do you have to take a class? Aw screw it...I don't care.

Well, it's close to quitting time.  Hooray I get to spend the next four days with JANE!  :-P

It's DECEMBER!

Thanks everybody for the nice comments on my last blog entry. I sort of feel like it seems I was fishing for compliments but that is not the case. I hate complaining about myself that way and then people say, "no you are beautiful and wonderful" blah blah. It makes me feel uneasy. My intent was not for people to say those things. Just makes me feel better to get my true feelings out on paper. I am doing a bit better. Not walking around with that "bad" feeling all the time anymore.

I will say that I am carrying around about 20-30 extra pounds that are just killing me and I can't get motivated enough to lose them. I know what I have to do to lose the weight and it's simply too hard for me right now. If I lost that weight, I would really feel a lot better. I don't know what's going to have to change in order for me to get motivated, but I wish it would happen already. (she says as she opens a bag of Combos...sigh)

For the first time in a long time, I am excited about Christmas. Yes, this is 100% related to Jane. I know that for her first Christmas she will have no idea what is going on. She isn't even interested in the fact that we brought a once living tree into our house, put weird lights on it and little "toys" on it too. But just the thought of her very soon getting excited and creating these new memories is really amazing. I look back upon my childhood with fondness and I really want Jane to as well. I am hoping she will. She seems pretty happy right now. Let's just hope she doesn't have the genetics for depression and anxiety like her poor Mommy. ;)

Inadequate.

I don't know if this is my "depression" showing her ugly face, but I am feeling kind of inadequate lately. Maybe it's lack of sleep. I know that can trigger depression.

But those thoughts that I used to get into my head are coming back and it always stems from comparing myself to someone "better than me".

In comparison to the best:
I am fat
I am unattractive
I am poor
I am a bad mother
I am not spectacular in any shape or form

These are those negative thoughts that come into my head and have been since I was in the 4th grade. I really hope they go away soon because I would like to stop feeling sorry for myself, especially considering how happy I am in my life. I am so happy and yet these thoughts continue to plague me.

Sigh...I really hope I can get a few nights of sleep this week. I would enjoy feeling put together again.

In today's news about ME...

I got 4 hours of sleep last night. If it's not Jane it's the cats (and I am ready to strangle them both to death with my bare hands). If it's not that, it's me. My insomnia has started up again and I can't do anything about it. No drugs are allowed since I am still breastfeeding AND co-sleeping. During the day I am SOOOO tired but at night for some reason I just can't sleep. It is infuriating.

I can't figure it out either. I am probably one of the happiest people on the planet. It's not like I am going to bed and worrying like I used to do. I am content. I am next to Jane. Maybe it's just the anticipation of her waking up, which she still does several times a night, sometimes for up to two hours. Last night (or this morning) it was at 4 am. I finally got her back to sleep by singing to her, but then in walks Butters and meows his loudest meow twice in a row, thus waking her up. I got up, shut our door and got her back to sleep again after another 30 minutes. Then that damn cat pawed on the door, which doesn't latch closed all the way, and woke us up AGAIN when the door clicked open. If he was within my reach I swear I really would have strangled him. To death.

Anyway, I guess I can count on sleeping when I am dead. Or when Jane is 13.....

I am really loving my 3-day work week. I am at work BORED TO TEARS right now, so obviously things are going well. I work my butt off when I am here and boy is it amazing how efficient I can be when I put my mind to it. I am seriously asking for a raise at the first opportunity....I figure they can afford it since I am saving them roughly $25,000 a year by going part-time and still doing the SAME job (which used to be 2 jobs until I said I could do them both). And, yes, I am bragging. ;)

Overall things are going very well. I love my little life.

As for bad news, I broke my camera by dropping it in to the bathtub. Jane was taking her first "big girl" bath and I got too crazy with the picture taking and she slipped and fell on her back, covering half of her face with water. I dropped the camera in the water to pick her up. At least I know I would save Jane before my camera. ;) She was fine, by the way.

I also lost my wedding ring. I never really cared much about any dumb ring and quite frankly I find girls who brag about their rings quite nauseating. But I guess I would like something halfway decent (I just don't want to pay for it). Right now I have on a $12 band from JC Penney. Silver. DH lost his ring years ago.....

I guess that is all for "news".

Who am I?

I'm becoming a bit of an idiot. Pregnancy killed a lot of my brain cells. Sleep deprivation and adoring my daughter have killed off a lot more. I am not clever anymore (despite what you may believe, I used to think I was at least a little bit clever). I cannot gets words on to paper and get them to sound the way I want them to. I can't write what my brain is thinking because my brain is thinking, "duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" most of the time. I am a bit of a moron these days.

I don't really have a personal identity anymore. I am Jane's mommy and quite frankly I like it that way. I think my entire personality is in the process of changing. My likes and dislikes, my views of the world: all in a state of flux.

It's just weird what becoming a parent has done to me. I am not a very good friend anymore. I wasn't ever anyone's "best friend" but I could at least coherently carry on a conversation that wasn't about Jane. Now, not so much.

I used to look at children and truly be disgusted by them. I actively disliked them and I thought even less of their annoying parents. Now when I see a kid crying I think, "aw....they must be so tired, poor baby". WTH?! What has happened to me? I am now the most annoying parent on the planet. Three years ago me would have wanted to slap now me in the face.

Now I could say that I don't like the "new me", but that is wrong. I don't really care about the "new me". All I care about is Jane. This does sound unhealthy and I know I won't always be this way (will I?), but when you are nursing a baby you have this physiological connection to them. It's chemical I tell you. I can't really explain it, but even when I am wishing for some personal time alone and away from Jane I know in my heart that my body cannot take being away from her for any extended period of time.

Case in point: my husband and I's (is I's proper grammar?? no, probably not) best friend got married over the weekend. I love this guy. I want nothing more than to be at his wedding and enjoy myself and wish him and his bride the best. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave Jane behind for fear of messing up her delicate little sleep routine and I didn't want her to miss me two nights in a row. I didn't go to the rehearsal dinner. I did go to the wedding but much of the time was spent fighting a splitting headache caused by the stress of leaving Jane behind (like 10 minutes away with Grammaw).

It's just weird right now. Parenthood is just crazy weird. It changes you even when you are kicking and screaming swearing up and down that you won't become that parent. Still, you do. You eat your words every day and you love it too.

10/29/09

Today is the last Thursday I will come into my office and sit in front of the computer screen ALL DAY LONG. This time next week I will be able to take naps WITH Jane. I will be the one to change her diapers. I will be the one who takes her on walks. I will get to play with her and cuddle with her and talk to her and just adore her. I am going to get to see her 40% more than I do now. I am SO excited!!!

Things have been going very well. Jane started sleeping better because I accepted the fact that we were going to co-sleep and I couldn't "train" her to sleep in her crib. And then, just this last week, things have been getting worse again because she wakes up pumped and ready to go at like 2 am. It takes literally 2 hours to get her to go back to sleep for just another hour or so. It's brutal. But it won't be like this for long. And working part-time is going to help with this because on Thursday and Friday I will get to NAP WITH HER. And you better believe I am going to. (My sincere apologies to Housework and Dinner on the Table.)

Jane is six months old and then some. It's a bit sobering how quickly these six months have gone by. In one way I feel like I was pregnant with her about a decade ago. But then again, I can't possibly have a six-month old daughter! She's growing so fast I can seriously see it. She's an amazing girl. Not what I would call an easy baby but she's just my universe. I worship her.

My entire life since April has been about her. I can't really concentrate on anything that doesn't have to do with Jane. I have become "that Mommy" who I really loathed before I had my own. It's sobering when I think of all the things I said I would never do. I take them back. Oops. My bad.

On the brink of a meltdown

I don't know if I have posted about Jane's sleeping habits before, but my daughter does not sleep. It's killing me. I haven't gotten 3 hours of consecutive sleep in 12 weeks. The best I can hope for now is 2 hours in a row, and that is a good night (last night was NOT a good night).

I don't know what to do but I am close to a nervous breakdown over this. I need my sleep and I am not getting it. As a result, my immune system is pretty much shutting down. I just got mastitis for the second time this month. I haven't been taking care of myself like I should be simply because I am too tired.

How is one supposed to function on 2-3 hours of sleep per night?

There are no answers. My child is a super hero and her great power is not requiring sleep.

*******

That being said, I love her dearly and when she looks at me in the middle of the night with her beautiful eyes and smiles and coos at me I can't help but die a little every time. She is the love of my life, despite it all.

How do I get so lucky all the time?

I actually think my work is going to let me work part-time. I actually think I am going to get to stay home with Jane 2 days out of the week and that she will not need a sitter to watch her, but have family watch her every day of the week.

Since my last post, I have been trying my hardest to reduce our monthly expenses. I got our car/homeowner's insurance down by like $90/mo. We are refinancing our house (MAYBE, if the appraisal goes through), etc. etc. Just trying to cut costs down as far as we can get them. Well, even after all of that we still probably would not be able to make it on my DH's income alone, when I realized this week that when 2 of our lightbulbs went out we had already gone over my "let's pretend I am not working budget" and couldn't even afford a package of lightbulbs on DH's income alone.

As I had mentioned, I was thinking about working part-time but I thought that my work would totally not be for that. Well, I told my supervisor I was going to quit or that I'd be willing to work part-time. (I was halfway bluffing about quitting). He totally freaked out, went to our boss and told him, then our boss went to the CEO and now I am probably going to be able to work part-time AND THEY ARE GIVING ME A $10/hr RAISE. This means I will be working 3 days a week and not even losing that much money. I will lose my benefits, but I can totally deal with that. Now I will be able to afford health insurance through my husband's work.

I am not 100% sure that this is "final" but it seems like they are going to let me. This means I will get the best of both worlds: working and keeping my foot in the door (career-wise) and also staying home with Jane more than 50% of the week.

If this goes through I can avoid sending Jane to a sitter. My mom will continue to watch her 2 days a week, I will watch her 2 days and Jeremy will watch her 1 day after changing his schedule to 4-day weeks.

I am thrilled beyond belief. And also a little stunned. My luck just doesn't stop! If this happens, I seriously feel as though I have the best situation of any mommy out there EVER. I hate to boast, but I do have a seriously charmed life. ;)

Now please, please, please let this all be FINAL this week so I can start bragging to all of my friends. :-P

Sleep deprivation :(

The last month of my life has been pretty hard. Jane has stopped sleeping really well and has outgrown her bassinet. So, about 3 weeks ago we put her in her crib and that was horrible. She started getting up several times at night crying. So I put a mattress down in her room and would sleep in the room with her, but that was no good either because she still kept crying and needing to be coaxed back to sleep. She squirms herself awake all the time and you have to keep getting up to soothe her. Just this week I have started cosleeping with her on that mattress in the floor. Two nights ago it worked pretty well. Last night, not so much because she was still so squirmy. I love sleeping with her. It seems like the natural thing to do. But I am still very terrified that I am going to roll over on her or hit her with an elbow or smother her with a blanket. I don't sleep very well when she's with me. So, I am a zombie. The nights when I get about 4 hours or less of sleep are the worst. It wouldn't be SO bad if I could stay at home with her, but I have to go to work and use my brain all day and it's just awful. I've missed several hours of work because of this. And the hours that I am at work I sit and cry. I miss her. I hate being away from her. I have crunched the numbers but I can't stay home with her. I could swing it if I worked part-time but my work won't let me and I would lose my benefits anyway.

I am a mess. I do not want to send Jane to the sitter in November, but we are still going to. The thought of her being scared or not being able to nap without Grandma there really breaks my heart every day. It actually makes me physically sick to my stomach to think about it. And I think about it all the time. We still have over 2 months before we have to send her and it is on my mind nearly every hour. She can't take a nap on her own. What is she going to do? Oh it kills me to think of her scared and so tired but afraid to go to sleep.

Despite my problem with her at night, I will never sleep "train" this baby. Crying it out is NOT an option. I think it's close to child abuse although I know several mothers would whole-heartedly disagree with me. I don't care. I am not going to do it to my baby. It goes against every instinct in my body to let her cry. I just wonder how these poor little babies feel left in a cold crib, behind bars, crying out for comfort and it never coming. That kills me. If nothing else, Jane will know she is loved during the day AND during the night. And until she can talk to me and tell me what is wrong, I will wake up with her and be there for her.

So, sleep is my problem. My body needs 9 hours of sleep a day to do well. I am getting more like 3-5. It's one thing to say it and hear about it, but it's another to live it. It is killing me. Each night I pray that this is the night she sleeps for 6 hours in a row. But that seems VERY unlikely to me now.

One day this will pass, and I will miss my sweet baby Jane wanting to sleep with me. I just wish I could get by on so little sleep. I wish I could stay at home with her where I belong.

I love her so much it breaks my heart EVERY day.

These are the moments to treasure.

I'm rocking Jane to sleep after a particularly fussy night. She finally calms down while we listen to some Beethoven and rock in the recliner in the dark. She sucks my finger for a while and then slowly drifts off into the wonderful world of baby sleep. It starts to lightning and thunder and I realize that this moment is perhaps the single greatest moment of my life. Rocking her, hearing her breath, feeling the weight of her little body on mine, listening to the soothing music and thunder, watching the lightning, looking around her little room. Loving her so much it hurts.

I rocked with her like that for over an hour and it felt like a few minutes. I could have stayed in that moment forever. This is the stuff of love songs.

It's cool to be me.

A lot has been going on in the short time I have been away from my blog. Not just with me and my family, but with my friends too. It seems like each of my friends has something big going on right now. The unexpected: proposals, divorce, pregnancy, layoffs. Friends are moving, getting married, getting divorced, falling in love...a lot is going on. I find it weird because for YEARS nobody I knew had anything going on. I guess once you reach a certain age things are going to happen, both bad and wonderful. I must say, it does give my husband and I something to talk about other than Jane. We wish the best for everyone. Mainly, I just wish that everyone could be as happy and content in their life as I am.

Jane continues to be the sweetest thing on the planet. She is my single great accomplishment in life for sure. Love isn't quite the word to use for what you feel for your child. It's bigger than that. It chokes you and can make you feel as though you are suffocating. Sometimes I feel like it's too much and that I can't take it; don't want it. With love comes the fear of loss and THAT is simply unfathomable. It's the most wonderful, excrutiating, acute condition. Well, I really can't put it into words, but it grows stronger every day that I am with Jane. She is all that is good in the world. Precious was a word invented solely to describe babies. More specifically my sweet baby Jane. ;)

She has already grown so much and every day she discovers something new. You can just see her brain working right now as she responds to her surroundings. She has a plastic lion that she loves to look at, smile at, and talk to. She also has discovered that the clock on our wall is fascinating and will hold serious conversations with it. If you interupt she sometimes grows angry. It is so sweet. She is the happiest in the mornings (so not like her Mommy) and just squeals and grunts in delight at the mobile in her crib. She loves to go outside with Grandma and look at the flowers. She has three teeth coming in (VERY EARLY) and has been drooling a lot. She sucks both of her fists, trying to get at her thumbs, often unsuccessfully. She has found her hands and will now swat at her toys that hang off her bouncy seat. She still hates tummy time, but will tolerate it if the lion is with her, guiding her (lol). She is the light of her Mommy and Daddy's lives. She is so much work but worth every second of it.

A lot of people told me that once you have a baby you will forget what you did before they arrived. Well, I remember what I did. I slept a lot. Watched TV. Went out to eat. Got bored on the weekends. Occasionally wnet out and had a good time with my girlfriends. I remember for sure. But what I cannot fathom now is my life without Jane. What would I have done had she not "enlightened" me? It would have been an empty life for me. I would have always wondered. I am so glad she's here. The first few weeks at home with her were rough, but my hormones have balanced and I am disgustingly happy. I no longer need my Zoloft! Yes, I am still a bit neurotic, but anxious and depressed aren't on the radar right now.

Back to work. :(

I go back to work July 1 and I am getting more and more depressed about it as the days go by. Right now I am doing a little bit of work from home and even when I spend 2 hours away from Jane (mentally...physically she is in the other room) I feel like the worst mother in the world. It's like when I am not thinking of her and I come back to her I feel so GUILTY for not being "there" for her. How in the world am I going to go back to work? I keep thinking that once she gets a little older, her bedtime will be like 8 or 9, which means I will only see her a total of 3-4 hours a day. That's just ridiculous. I don't know if I can stand it!

The thought of her first laughter, walk, crawl, etc. away from me just BREAKS MY HEART. How can I leave this precious face?

Oh to be in love...

I think it's possible I love my new baby too much. I have fallen desperately, completely, head over heels in love with her and there is no going back. She has stolen my heart and my soul. It is a wonderful feeling and also completely scary at the same time. She is SO PRECIOUS. Everything she does is miraculous to me. I can already tell she's grown up so much in the 5 weeks she's been here. It makes me sad. She will grow up so fast. I am trying my hardest to enjoy every second I have with her. I go back to work on July 1. This makes me sick to my stomach. I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE HER. EVER. I would give both of my pinky toes if I could afford to stay home with her. Unfortunately, that isn't possible. I guess I should concentrate on the time I do have with her, but at night all I can think about is how much I desperately want to stay at home with her. :'(

Here are some pics. I can't resist...

Introducing Jane Elizabeth

Jane Elizabeth was born on April 20, 2009 at 10:51 a.m. after 16 hours of labor. She weighed 8 pounds and 15 3/4 ounces. (Why they didn't just round up to 9, I don't know.) She was 21.5 inches long and had a full head of RED hair!

FOUR Sundays ago and DH and I were getting ready for our week. I had diarrhea on and off that day so I was hopeful that maybe something was happening since that can sometimes be a sign that labor is imminent. I didn't really think it was, but still...it was something. We went to Kroger to do our grocery shopping for the week. I felt completely normal. Got home and started making dinner. I was making the fruit salad. Standing for a while often makes my back ache, especially when 9 months pregnant. So, I sat down for a while and felt a slight pressure over my bladder. Nothing unusual until...GUSH. My water broke. I could NOT believe it. We weren't ready. DH didn't even have his bags packed. I ran to the bathroom and more water came out. I FREAKED out and was so nervous. I had DH call L&D to tell them we were coming in and we frantically packed the last of my things and took off. By the time we got to L&D I had convinced myself that it was a false alarm. But they took me in and got me hooked up to some machines and right before the nurse was going to check me a HUGE gush of water came out and that's when I said, "oh shit, I KNOW my water just really broke." It was like Niagara Falls. She used that little strip thing that tells if it's amniotic fluid and it immediately turned blue. I was in labor. OMG....At this point it was about 7:30 p.m. I was 1.5 cm and 70% effaced. I had a LONG way to go.

My biggest fear was that I would not be able to walk around and that my labor would not progress and that I would end up with Pitocin to augment things. I did NOT want Pitocin. I made that much clear, so she said that the doctor was giving me until 6 a.m. to progress on my own. But since my water broke, I could not walk around for fear of a prolapsed cord. I was stuck in that uncomfortable labor bed for good. It took a while for my contractions to really get going. At first they were so very manageable. I remember thinking that it wasn't so bad and that I could totally manage labor without an epidural. And I did pretty good too. The next time they checked me I was 4 cm dilated. Yay!!! The contractions were slowly getting stronger so I was pretty confident that I was going to have this baby on my own, without any Pitocin. Around 4 a.m. the contractions started getting pretty intense. The days of "breathing" through them were over. I started tensing up and shaking with every one. I couldn't take it. I requested the epidural. After I requested it I had to wait about an hour to actually get it and that hour was the worst of my labor. The woman who gave me the epidural was like 80 years old. And it actually hurt quite a bit. First of all, I was having the most intense contractions and had to be completely still while they stuck a needle in my back. That was hard to do! Second, the epidural sends these shocks down your legs and that was pretty scary. The pain from the needles and medication wasn't really bad but it was definitely a weird pinching sensation that I did not like at all.

So the last bit of my labor was spent almost pain free. The epidural worked better on the right side and that leg was completely DEAD. The left side took a little longer to get totally numb and I was feeling contractions on that side of my body for a while. But they got me fixed up eventually. The baby's heart rate never decreased and my blood pressure was stable. Yay! I think about 2 hours later I was dilated to 8 and another 2 hours later I was ready to push. I couldn't believe it when she told me I was ready. But before I could push I had to "labor down", which meant I sat upright for about a half hour. This got the baby lower in the birth canal so my pushing wouldn't be as hard.

Pushing was the best part of the labor. I got to see her head coming out! They put a mirror down there and that was so cool. Of course, I couldn't concentrate very much on pushing with that mirror there so I only looked one or two times. That was pretty cool. By the time the doctor came in I had been pushing for a little while and she was getting close to coming out. I barely remember him coming in the room, but I am really glad I got the doctor I did to deliver me. He made me feel calm in a strange way. (Oh yeah and earlier in the labor he came in to check me and I told him, "you smell nice"...heh heh....I think I embarrassed him, but he really did smell nice.) I didn't have to push very long. Maybe 20 minutes or so. I didn't feel any pain from the pushing but I did feel pressure. It was hard work but I finally felt like I was doing something. My husband and my mom got to see the whole process. They said there was a lot of blood and at the very end, when she came out a huge amount of blood squirted all over the doctor. I missed that part. I was just in shock that I pushed out a 9 pound baby with relative ease. I did tear and had to get stitches. I had a second degree tear.

So the baby is out and on my stomach at 10:51 am and I am in SHOCK. I just couldn't believe it. Her head was turned away from me on my stomach so I just focused on her ears. They were totally flattened against her head and were so tiny and delicate looking. She didn't breathe right away. Well, I think she did, but she was having trouble. So they took her over to the warming table and got her all fixed up. When they brought her back to me I got to try out breastfeeding and got to see her for the first time. Her cheeks were HUGE. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't exactly love at first site but more like SHOCK at first site. I knew I loved her, but I was just so shocked by what had just happened that I couldn't really take her in properly. Also, they kept saying she had red hair, but I didn't really think she did. (I was wrong...she has red hair).

I don't really remember what happened next. I think I attempted to breastfeed for a while and then they finally took her to the nursery to be checked by a pediatrician. I got to eat (after about 24 hours of no eating...mmm, the BEST hamburger ever) and then they wheeled me to my recovery room. I stayed in that room for the next two days attempting to nurse and sleep. I failed pretty bad at both of those things. The nursing was much harder than I thought it was going to be. She had trouble latching on at first. In the end, we got it, but it took about 15-20 minutes of "trying" before she would latch every time. The sleeping was harder. I was so wired that I could not sleep despite being completely out of my mind exhausted. I think I got about 6 hours of sleep the entire time I was in the hospital.

So there is my birth story, a month after she was born. I have to be honest and say that the first two weeks at home were not very good. I suffered from the baby blues in a bad way. I was scared to death of my new baby and completely overwhelmed by having her in the house with us. I felt like I loved her too much and was terrified every time she cried. I have never been around babies much in my life and being around her was a definite wake up call. Babies are so much work and that work NEVER ENDS. Now, after a month, I am really loving being a mother. She is a very good baby and I love her more than is possible. Each day with her I can tell that she's growing. She's already the love of my life and she hasn't even realized she has hands yet. :)

Dude....I'm gonna be somebody's MOMMY

I am going to have a baby soon! Like, really soon. In just one month, I will be a MOTHER for sure.

Oh.
My.
God.

Amazing.

It's hitting me big time right now. How bizarre that I will have a daughter. I will be entirely responsible for her health and well being. I will be her primary care giver. The one person she needs more than anyone else. I will be her mommy. Somebody is going to call me MOMMY!

Wow. It's just unbelievable. This time last year I was freaking out over never getting pregnant and never becoming a parent. I was FIXATED on it. I never thought I would be in this position. I really didn't.

I am so grateful.

My life is never going to be the same again. And I am happy for it. I am not one to use the word "blessed", but I am.

Jane, I cannot wait to see your little face and hold you in my arms for the first time. So, with that being said, please come out. Like, now. Seriously.

Time is standing STILL

I have now caught up at work so well that I am actually ahead. That's great....but now I am BORED BORED BORED during the day.

So now that I am bored to death, with absolutley nothing to do with myself but wait for the baby, I am going to write a bunch of meaningless, nothing blogs to keep myself occupied. Once the baby gets here I am betting I won't be writing nearly as much, although at that time I will probably have tons more interesting to say.

I haven't had many dreams about my baby this pregnancy. But recently, I have had a few and they are DISTURBING. In every dream, something is majorly wrong with her. But it always ONLY has to do with her looks. Last night I dreamt she was just like an alien...weird notches in her head and HUGE floppy ears. And I didn't like her. I was scared of her because of the way she looked. This bothers me. I guess I'm pretty shallow and just hoping she "looks" normal. I don't know. I hate the waiting.

My patience level has dropped off to nothing now. (Not that I was ever super patient.) Everything my husband does gets on my nerves. I mean, I have no reason for this. He is doing nothing wrong. But, I am just so irritable I want to wring his neck! I guess it's hormones. But I am so uncomfortable all of the time that I can't sleep, I can't sit, I can't lie on the couch. I can't do ANYTHING without feeling miserable and quite pathetic.

And my self esteem right now is in the gutter. My work had a going away party for a co-worker of mine and pictures were taken. I got myself all made up and thought I was looking pretty cute. Boy was I wrong. The pictures show an entirely different story. Now, I know I am pregnant and I have a big belly. I am totally fine with my belly/ass/hips being ginormous. It's my face that sets me back. I have a fat, bloated pregnancy face at this point and it makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH to see. I don't know why I don't notice it when I look in the mirror. It's only on film that I look this way (in my delusional mind, that is). And then while at this party, a co-worker said, "your hands are really swollen, aren't they?" Uh....NO!!!!! I certainly don't think they are. Guess they are just fat. Gee, thanks for that! It's very disheartening to see how I look. ESPECIALLY when you compare yourself to other preggo's who looked like supermodels with the exception of their cute little baby bumps their entire pregnancies. You know...the ones who get the pregnancy "glamour shots" taken...looking off into the distance holding their cute little tummies with nothing but a sheet draped around their petite little frames, covering their breasts with their hands. Excuse me while I go vomit.

I think I would just like to go hide until she gets here. I just want her to GET HERE so that I can move on with my life. Jeremy and I are completely motionless right now. We are stuck until Jane comes.

Big Baby???

DH and I went in for our 38 week appointment on Tuesday. After waiting around for more than an hour, I got to see the doctor who is always so good at reassuring me about everything. I guess he did...I feel better about GBS and the use of Pitocin, epidurals, etc. I still want to try for as natural as I can manage, but now maybe I won't feel like a failure if I end up with the dreaded Pitocin. At the end of my appointment he felt my stomach and said I was measuring 40 weeks instead of the 38 that I am. So he sent me off for an ultrasound to make sure all was well.

The ultrasound showed a healthy baby GIRL (phew...she's still JANE). She was taking practice breaths and you could see her little abdomen moving up and down. That was cool. She's so scrunched up in there that it's really hard to make much of anything out at this point. She is head down for sure (YAY!), but she is still very high and hasn't dropped yet. My amniotic fluid levels were "great", so I don't have to worry about that just yet either. The tech took some measurements and the computer estimated Jane to be at 8 pounds right now. That would mean that if she were born in week 40, she might be a 9-pounder. We will see though. I don't necessarily think she is. I know of way too many people who have had these predictions be off by more than a pound. Even the u/s tech told us the weight estimates are not very reliable this late in the game. Most tend to overestimate the weight, although I have also heard of them UNDERestimating the weight. I hope that's not the case for me.

It was neat to get to see Jane again. It's still weird to me that she is in there. And I still have a hard time believing I am going to be a mother in a few short weeks.

Another new week

I am bored, bored, bored. I am caught up at work. I'm basically ready to go on maternity leave at the drop of a hat. That's great news, actually. I have been SO STRESSED OUT over training my temporary replacements (that's right...it takes TWO people to replace me!), so now that this is taken care of, I should feel immense relief. I guess I do.

Not only am I bored at work, but I am bored at home. Jane's room is ready. And there are just a few odds and ends left on my "to do before baby" list. And from that list, I can't really do any of those things. They are all things I have to get my husband to do. I mean, I can't even wash dishes at this point. Well, I can...but my stomach is in the way and I have to lean all funny over the sink and it hurts my back really bad...so I just don't. My husband is still doing about 95% of our housework, bless his heart.

So what can I do? I can lie on the couch. I am OK at that, although even that is pretty uncomfortable. If I want to change positions, it's a big ordeal. If I want to stand up, it's sometimes a two person job. My core is just gone. I am having to rely on arms and legs to get into that upright position. It's quite the scene.

We got our new camcorder at the end of last week. I have already recorded the nursery and showed it to my grandparents over the holiday weekend. They liked it. :) It's amazing how horrible your voice always sounds on video/tape. UGH. I am a whiny, out of breath, shaky voiced thing. PLUS, my face actually has that "pregnant look" to it on video. Now, when I look in the mirror, I don't feel like I have that look. But I guess the camera does not lie. I have a definite double chin, and just that overall puffiness that pregnant women sometimes get. It isn't out of control...yet. Oh well, what can you do? I have some friends who I think delight in the fact that I may get puffy. Gee, thanks. However, still no stretch marks so ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Tell someone who got stretch marks in their pregnancy that you have yet to see one, and they will hate you. GUARANTEED. (I'm still knocking on wood that I don't get them...I know several girls who didn't see one until the very end...)

So this week is another week of nothing. I have a prenatal appointment tomorrow at 10:30 and our new window blinds should be in within a few days. That's pretty much my week. Maybe Jane will decide it's time for her birthday, but I seriously doubt it. I will be 38 weeks tomorrow, so she is very much 100% TERM right now. Do you hear that Jane? You can come out now! We are all ready!!!!!!!

In the Teens! and 37W Appointment Disaster/Rant

Just 19 days until my due date. Well, that's what I am saying at least.

If you go according to when I ovulated, it is only 18 days. Fertilityfriend.com says so. And, to be quite honest, I believe FF. I was charting my temps for MONTHS on that site. So, if anyone knows me, it's FF.

If you go according to one of my earlier ultrasounds, which I am, it is 19 days.

If you go according to my doctors, who refuse to admit that a woman can ovulate on any day OTHER than CD14, it is 21 days. Why is it that the doctors are the morons here? They refuse to change your EDD (estimated due date) unless an ultrasound shows that they are more than 1 week off. This has driven me crazy my entire pregnancy. Why can't they just give me the 3 days and SAY my EDD is 4/29. 5/1 is NOT right!!!

Oh well. Doesn't really matter. Baby will come when she comes. It's HER decision.

My mom's due date with me was April 29 too and I wasn't born until May 3. So, it's a very real possibility that my first born daughter will also be born on May 3. My 30th birthday. Creepy or cool? I don't know. ;)

I have been having a terrible time sleeping this last trimester and it's only getting worse. Last night I got up to pee 8 times. It's always right before I fall asleep too. I will get up to pee (and where is all this pee coming from?!) and then lie back down...5 minutes later I am peeing again. Sheesh!

My 37 week appointment this week was a complete disaster. First of all, I get there and as usual, I get very nervous. This is horrible to admit, but I feel like a little girl when I go there. I am so fat and ugly right now, and when I talk to people and they give me their undivided attention, I get really WEIRD feeling. I know they are looking at me and judging me and my face turns BRIGHT RED and I start shaking and sweating. WHY? I am almost 30 years old. Why do I still feel this way? So anyway, they take my blood pressure. It's 140/100. Nice way to start the appointment. They had me lie on my left side (very uncomfortable on these half bed examining tables with only a small sheet covering my nether regions and my bare arse sticking out towards the door while my left arm falls asleep) then they retook my BP. It was 98/63. Further proof that my nerves really affect my physiology. So, I guess that is good. My BP wasn't really elevated.

The doctor who I saw is very young. She doesn't look much older than I am. I have a very hard time trusting someone my age to be my Ob-Gyn. I guess that is agism, but so be it. She just returned from her own maternity leave, so I thought she may be pretty cool and understanding. She wasn't. She rushed me and really brushed off a lot of my questions. I hate it when they do that. This will be the doctor who is on call when I deliver. I guarantee it!

The week before, the midwife at the practice told me that baby's head was "right there", I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. Well this time, the doctor told me the baby's head was still high, I was BARELY 1 cm dilated and only 25% effaced. ***punch in the gut*** I went backwards?! Sigh...I was so excited about being 1 cm/50%. In the grand scheme of things, none of that matters. You can be 0 cm dilated and still go into labor within hours. It's just kind of defeating I guess. I think the doctor should have lied to me. ;) Of course, it's all a matter of perception/opinion and each person who checks you will tell you something different. Alas...

Next blow was that I have a yeast infection. Lovely. She gave me Diflucan to take. Look up Diflucan online and it says that pregnant women should not take it. I mentioned this to her and she said, "I wouldn't give you anything that would hurt your baby." Yep, I offended her. Heaven forbid a patient have knowledge and question their doctor.

FINALLY, as the doctor left the room to write my prescription (took her like 10 minutes to write this prescription) I took a look at my chart. At the top it had GBS + circled. Well, the week before I had been tested for GBS. It's a normal bacteria that live in the lower intestinal tract and/or vaginas of about 30% of the population. It causes no problems for the carrier, but can be fatal to babies if they contract it, since their little immune systems are so new. UM....why didn't they mention this to me?! Well, when she came back in I mentioned it and she said, oh yeah you will just need to be hooked up to an IV of antibiotics when you go into labor. No big deal.

Well, I am glad they think it's no big deal. But look up GBS online and you will get scared to death (yes, I know...stop looking online!!!). The odds are very small that the baby will contract GBS. Especially with the antibiotics I will receive while in labor. However, now my entire birth plan is screwed up. I had planned on laboring at home for as long as possible. I wanted to go to the hospital with little time to spare so they wouldn't hook me up to machines, slow my labor down, mark me as "failure to progress", administer Pitocin, which would lead to an epidural, which would slow the baby's heart rate AND the labor itself even more, and in the end, I would end up with a C-section. Yes, this is the worst case scenario, but it's the one my brain goes to first.

Now, I will have to go into the hospital as soon as my water breaks (if it breaks) or much sooner than I would have if it does not break. Well, how will I know how long this labor is going to last? I need 4-6 hours of being on the antibiotics before they actually work. I know that most first-time moms have longer labors, but I have heard of many who had quite short labors. What if I am one of those? I've been going to a chiropractor three times a week and one of his claims is that he can shorten your labor. I know of 3 other first-time moms who went to a chiropractor and none of them labored over 4 hours from start to finish. So now I am left with WISHING for a longer labor. That's just wrong.

Anyway, I am very much annoyed with this GBS+ outcome. It's kind of sent me into a sort of depression. I know nobody's birth plan ever works out the way they want it to, but I already feel defeated before I've even begun.

And I wish I could just stop stressing out over the labor. It's all I think about lately. I have been reading books, writing and revising my "birth plan" and basically going over and over all of the potential outcomes in my head. It's exhausting work planning for something that cannot be predicted. I just hope that EVERYTHING doesn't go wrong and at least 1 or 2 things go my way. Mainly, that I end up with a healthy baby girl. Gosh, it's surreal. This entire pregnancy is just a dream. The fact that I may come out of this a MOMMY is simply amazing to me.

**Oh yeah, another bad thing about the appointment was that I had gained 4 pounds in one week. Um...my weight gain is supposed to be SLOWING down at this point. If I don't gain another pound I will be happy. That will put my total pregnancy weight gain at 35 pounds (and we will ignore the 20 pounds I gained while TRYING to conceive). Please no more. Guess that means no more ice cream/potato chip binges (oops).**

Feeling down :(

With 20 days until my due date, I am feeling surprisingly depressed. I don't really know why either. Maybe it's because 20 days seems like a REALLY LONG time away. I tested positive for Group B Strep and this means that I will have to show up at the hospital much sooner than I had planned in order to be hooked up to an IV of antibiotics for my entire labor. This has me seriously unhappy. My "birth plan" is already screwed up because of it. Getting online and reading about GBS makes you terrified as you read about stillborns and severely disabled babies too. Another thing I have to worry about.

Sigh.......I just feel like I am NEVER going to have this baby. And then when I do have her, I will only get to spend 8 weeks with her before I ship her off to another caregiver and go back to my crappy job (which isn't so crappy, really, but compared to being at home raising my child, any job is crappy).

I can't sleep at night because I am so uncomfortable. I know this is not helping my current anxiety/depression situation.

And, there is just something that I can't place. Something feels not right. Not necessarily with the baby, but with ME. I hope this isn't the start of postpartum depression. Maybe it's not. I mean, my life is seriously on hold right now. I can't DO anything until this baby gets here. Well, other than WORRY MYSELF TO DEATH.

Gosh, if I could give my daughter one trait it would be her father's temperament. I hope she doesn't have the anxiety/worry/fears that I do. It's not a fun way to be.

What is good in my world

1. My husband
2. My future child, even if she refuses to remove her feet and/or butt from my ribcage.
3. We are getting new mini blinds installed soon! I may be way too excited about this.
4. Barack Obama is our President.
5. My sister is engaged.
6. My friends...I finally feel secure enough in myself to actually HAVE friends that I don't dislike. (I hope I never have to go back to high school.)
7. My mom
8. This economy isn't really affecting us all that much. We both have stable jobs and are living comfortably (for now...wait until I see just how much babies cost)
9. Lost - I don't care if it's lame to like a TV show so much. This show gets me through my weeks!
10. I like where I live.
11. Springtime!!!!!!!!
12. Destin 2010

1 more month. 4 weeks. 30 days.

So, baby is no longer breech. Ha ha...pretty cool! According to the chiropractor she turned after just three sessions. I am actually pretty skeptical about this. She seems to be in the same position she's been in for months. I think he was wrong the first time. She was never breech. Whatever though...I am still going to see him. He does help with back pain and has started to help some with the rib pain I have been having. Plus, many women swear that these chiropractic sessions helped shorten and ease their labors. I can't ignore that. I will try anything!

I had my baby showers. YAY!!! I got so much stuff it's unreal. I (almost) feel guilty for accepting so many gifts from people. When I first started my registry I was overwhelmed at the amount of money we were going to have to spend to just get ready for Jane's arrival. Well, turns out we got nearly everything on our registry and then some. It's humbling to have such great friends, family and co-workers. At my "real" shower, where I invited my friends and family, I had the best time. Almost everyone I invited (with the exception of Jeremy's family) came to the shower! I've never felt like I've had many friends in my life, but seeing the turnout made me feel so grateful. I felt "loved", which is a weird feeling for me. I had dear friends come in from Nashville, others from Indiana, Louisville, Lexington and Paris (KY). It's weird to think that people TRAVELLED just to come to my shower for a few hours. I am so lucky. I mean, seriously...it's ridiculous how lucky I am. I shall not take it for granted!!

So as the title of my blog goes, Jane's due date is in just 30 days. That's a little daunting. It seems really soon, but also still quite far away. I'm begining to worry (of course) now about stupid things. Like what if Jane is a BOY?! Eek, no I can't handle that. What if she has a birthmark on her face that causes her to be ridiculed? What if during labor there is a cord accident and she is hurt? What if something really bad happens? Ugh, I shudder to even think about it. I know in all likelihood I will end up with a healthy and beautiful baby girl, but I hate the unknown. It's what has kept me in a perpetual state of almost panic my entire adult life.

Please Gods, let Jane be like her father. I don't want her inheriting my anxiety. I do want her to be left-handed like me though. ;) ha ha...

In the meantime I am trying to find things to occupy myself. There isn't really much I can do now. I am going to another friend's baby shower this weekend. The next week I will go to a surprise birthday party for a friend (at a bar...hmm...how will THAT look?). And, as always, I have Lost to keep the weeks moving along. Plus, Green Day is coming out with a new album on May 15. That means baby Jane will start her life rocking out to some undoubtedly great tunes.

I'm also trying to figure out a way I can not be so selfish. I feel like "me me me me me me" all the time these days. I don't like it, but I guess in a time like this I have a lot going on and find it hard to focus on much else but myself. I find it annoying though. Oh well, c'est ma vie.

I don't like the "real" problems

Scare #1459: Baby is breech

Scare #1460: I have bacterial vaginosis

Lovely. On antibiotics for BV and seeing a chiropractor in hopes of getting Jane to turn.

Real problems stink. I want my fake problems back.

Surprise! Everything's fine...

So, yeah....

Got my blood test results back. Everything is cool. (blush). HOWEVER, I did have one liver enzyme that was slightly elevated, so they retested that and now I am waiting on that set of bloodwork to come back. Doctor doesn't think it's a problem. He scheduled my next appointment for 2 weeks, so that means I am a "normal" patient at this point. That's a good thing.

I am relieved. I certainly didn't want Preeclampsia or Cholestasis. And I have no new crises to report at the moment, believe it or not.

Now I am just freaking uncomfortable! I mean, I have 7 weeks to go and boy am I hurting. I hate to complain about being pregnant, but I'm ready to meet my baby girl already. Everyone told me that the last 2 months are pretty uncomfortable but I was sure my bliss at being pregnant would get me through. Yes, I am still horribly happy about being pregnant, but...
I have horrendous heartburn.
I can't get comfortable in bed and it takes me about 2-3 hours to fall asleep.
My stomach at the top where my uterus ends is just kind of painful all the time.
I get kicked in the ribcage a lot these days (I actually love this, but it can be uncomfortable).
I can't get off the couch without the aid of my husband and all the strength he can muster.

OK, done complaining.

Now, I just need to admit that I am becoming one of "those moms" already. I can't think of anything other than being pregnant and having a baby. I didn't want to be this way. I wanted to keep my own personal interests and my own life outside of baby. I guess it's kind of hard to do that when you are a house for another human being. It's a little bit consuming, and I have a good excuse: my brain is literally shrinking.

Hypochondria 101

Well, pretty much everyone who reads my blog already knows that I am crazy. So I am gonna lay it all out there today. I need to write this down and come back and look at it from time to time to get some perspective...these are my pregnancy scares to date:

1. Spotting at 12 weeks - went to ER scared to death of another miscarriage. Well, this one I don't blame myself for. Considering my miscarriage started with a tiny bit of spotting, no wonder I was freaked out. I thank my lucky stars that this was the only time I have spotted during my pregnancy and that it turned out to be simply nothing and very short-lived. That was the first time that we got to see our little girl bouncing around on the ultrasound machine. And she actually looked human with legs and arms and all of that. It was amazing. I cried. Hmm...at the time we thought Jane was a boy, thanks to an inept ultrasound tech.

2. Started getting this weird ringing in my ears probably around 17-ish weeks. It was driving me crazy. I could hear my heart beating in my right ear for several hours out of the day. Well, of course I Googled it and got scared out of my mind. I found two women who had this exact same symptom and ended up with Bells Palsy during the last months of their pregnancy. I thought I was doomed. Preeclampsia was also a concern with this symptom, even though most women don't get Pre-e until they are late in their third trimesters. I even mentioned this to my doctor (in passing) and he basically said he didn't know what was causing the ear ringing. Eventually it went away. I would say this lasted 2 weeks. I was nuts while it lasted though. This was one of those things that I was really scared about. I'm so glad it stopped.

3. At the end of November I got this horrible pain in my lower right side. It was a burning/searing pain and lasted for maybe 30 minutes. A few days later it happened again. I really didn't know what it could be, but it definitely scared me. I called my Ob-Gyn's office and talked to the nurse. She said it could be something with my gallbladder or appendix (uh...I didn't think so, but...). She scheduled me for an ultrasound of my gallbladder. Instead, I went to see my regular doctor to have my urine checked for a possible UTI. Turned out that I did not have a UTI. But I did have ketones in my urine and my blood pressure was high. Apparently ketones in your urine mean that your body is dehydrated or that you are in "starvation mode" and burning fat. My blood pressure being high had to be a fluke. I was REALLY nervous, so maybe that had something to do with it. So from that point on I started eating more often and trying to drink more water. I also got ketone test strips from our local drug store. (That was probably a bad idea.) Well, in the end, this turned out to be a bunch of nothing. I only had those two incidents of pain and since then I've been fine on that front. I now assume it was just my ligaments stretching to accomodate my growing uterus.

4. Right after Christmas (23 weeks) I started getting this horrible pain below my sternum. It was pretty bad. After a while, I couldn't even sleep on my sides. It felt like my sternum/rib cage was being crushed by the weight of my shoulders. I even had to miss work because of this. I mean, I just couldn't sleep!! So I went to my regular doctor (saw a nurse practitioner) and they did an EKG. The RNP comes back in after she got the results and said something was off. PANIC!!!! She faxed the EKG over to a cardiologist in town and he said, no it is fine. Um...OK. That isn't what a hypochondriac needs. I called my Ob-Gyn. He said get a second opinion. I did. That EKG did come back completely normal and I was diagnosed with Costochondritis (inflammation of the chest wall) and was told that it just had to go away on its own and there was nothing I could do about it. Well, it kept getting worse. I was desperate for relief. I went to a Chiropractor and he basically cured me within one visit. I couldn't believe it! Now, I did have a soreness that lasted another month, but the unbearable pain was gone.

5. One morning I woke up and while I was in the shower I noticed that my vision was really weird out of my right eye. This was around 27 weeks. I kept seeing these little wavy lines in my peripheral vision. I freaked out because vision problems are often a symptom of Preeclampsia. I ran to take my blood pressure. It was high!!!! Called the nurse and she scheduled me for an appointment to see their RN (the same one who was a total bitch when I had my miscarriage). Went in to see her and they checked my urine for protein (preeclampsia thing) and my BP. All was fine. She wrote it off to a migraine. I did get a headache later that day, but it wasn't bad. Since then, nothing else with my vision has been off. False alarm.

6. 29 weeks and one night I felt like I was having contractions all night long. Called the doctor, they saw me and checked me. Everything was fine. False alarm again. Possible Braxton Hicks.

7. The dreaded stomach virus! This was just a couple of weeks ago when I was 30 weeks. This was truly legit.

8. 31 weeks and I break out into hives. This is where I am now (see prior blog entry) - waiting for those blood test results to see if I have Cholestasis (ICP) or Preeclampsia. For now, this problem is still legit in my mind. I am freaking out over bubbles in my urine (ha ha...yes, that's right) and some upper right quadrant pain which are both signs of Pre-e. The bubbly urine can mean I am leaking protein (bad). Good news is the itching is no longer here and my blood pressure is normal too. Next appointment is Friday and I can't wait for it. I just want to know NOW. I need some peace of mind. I need reassurance that this latest episode was yet another false alarm. For now, even after rehashing all of those little incidents that have occurred to date, I still cannot be soothed or convinced that perhaps this will turn out to be nothing just like the rest.

So.....I have had a lot of false alarms this pregnancy. All of these weird things happen to your body when you are pregnant and it's hard to know if it's considered normal or not. I have had more "mini panics" that are just too numerous to even write about. And when I first got pregnant I told myself that if I could just make it past my miscarriage date from the last time, that I would not worry. I would just let it be. Boy, did I not follow through on that promise. I just hope that my anxiety and stress have not negatively affected this baby and her growth. I really do try to be sane and rational, but I never seem to pull it off. Worrying like I do takes a toll on a person. It just drains you.

I really wish I could be laid back. I wish I could just roll with the punches. I envy everyone who can.

3rd Trimester not a good one so far

Last Thursday night I started itching. BAD itching. So bad that later that night I had broken out into hives all over my body. Next day I call the doctor. He wants to see me later that day. Meanwhile, I had been researching itching during pregnancy and actually came up with some pretty scary things. Damn Google! Itching sounds pretty benign. I mean, in all odds you would just think I came into contact with something that didn't agree with me. Well, the hypochondriac in me just cannot accept that. It has to be something serious.

So I get to the doctor fully expecting him to tell me I'm crazy and to relax and take some Benadryl. Well, he didn't. He actually confirmed my worst fear. He said that what HE was worried about was the exact same thing I had found online: Cholestasis of Pregnancy. I won't go into what it is, but it's very rare. The only real symptom that most people experience is generalized itching all over their bodies. It is not harmful to mommy, but it IS harmful to baby and can result in FETAL DEATH. Yeah, so now you can see why I am panicked. So he did some bloodwork to see if I actually have this. I won't know the results until this Friday.

Not only did I have that to deal with, but I had protein in my urine and an elevated blood pressure (elevated for me at least), plus ketones and leukocytes in my urine too. Doctor said that could be the start of Preeclampsia (ALSO not good for baby!!!). So needless to say, I am simply one huge basketcase since that appointment. I did get the results from some of that bloodwork back on Saturday and the nurse told me it was "basically normal" and that I didn't have Preeclampsia. Well, I should be relieved by that, but I am not. I don't know what "basically" normal means. I will get details on Friday from my doctor. This nurse didn't even know what I was being tested for in the first place and it's like I am asking to talk to God when I ask them to have a doctor call me. That just doesn't happen.

So now I am monitoring my blood pressure. It's normal. And I am testing for ketones in my urine (I have test strips at home. Don't ask...) and those tests have all come up negative. I have since not had any itching either, so that is a good sign too. I am hoping that maybe last Thursday/Friday was just a complete fluke and that everything really is fine. I have gone through countless scares this pregnancy with weird little things happening that later turn up to be nothing. I hope this is one of those times.

But let me just say, the thought of losing my baby girl right now is just terrifying. That simply cannot happen. She has to be OK.

My first brush with Labor & Delivery

Well, two weeks ago I got the WORST stomach bug I have ever had in my life. It was brutal. I have a very big aversion to throwing up. I will avoid it at all costs. In fact, I have never even thrown up from drinking alcohol. I have been sick as a dog from drinking, but my body simply will not purge itself. Friday I threw up probably 20 times. It was awful. I thought I was going to die. And the diarrhea...well, it was a scene. I won't get into all the details, but bad things happened.


Almost from the beginning, I knew I would end up going to the ER. I couldn't keep water down and I couldn't even bear to TRY to drink any water. Now, when you are pregnant staying hydrated is very important. And it's also very easy to get dehydrated. That's what happened to me. After a little bit of coaxing, DH took me to the ER. I knew I needed IV fluids (and maybe some drugs too please). As soon as we got to the ER they sent us up to Labor & Delivery. Whoa...crazy. I had never been up there before.


Once I got there, they put me in a room (the actual room where I will deliver this baby!). They hooked me up to an IV and I almost fainted from that. Jeremy had to wave an alcohol swab under my nose to keep me awake (not a good smell when you have a stomach bug). Then they hooked these monitors around my uterus to measure baby's heart rate and to see if I was having contractions. I was, so they gave me an IV of fluid for dehydration, which was the cause of the "irritable uterus" as they called it. The baby's heart rate was REALLY high too (at one point it was up to 200) because she was running out of amniotic fluid and because I had a slight fever. I felt so sorry for her. She was kicking like crazy because she was trying to get cool, but had nowhere to go and no fluid to help either. The doctor said she'd be fine though, but it was still pretty scary. Anyway, they had me stay overnight and I had about 4 bags of fluid with anti-nausea meds. That helped. My own resting heart rate the entire time I was there was anywhere from 100-120 and my blood pressure was really low. When they released me the next day we came home and then DH got sick, so it was definitely a stomach bug of some sort.


So that's that. After about 4 days I could finally eat solid foods again. I am still not 100% though. This really did some damage. Having a stomach bug is bad enough, but being 3o-ish weeks pregnant on top of it really makes for an unpleasant time.

He's Baaack and I am so PISSED

Butters is at it again. I haven't slept over 4 hours in the last two nights. Last night I got so angry that I went in there and sprayed him with the water bottle until he was soaking wet. I cannot sleep in my own house. This morning after DH had let them out the other two cats were up as usual, but Butters was sound asleep on the couch. BECAUSE HE HADN'T SLEPT ALL NIGHT LONG. I woke him up repeatedly, but he's just going to sleep all day. I don't know what to do now. I seriously don't know what to do. I thought about putting him outside but my husband wouldn't let me. DH somehow sleeps through all of this. I am so envious. I can still hear that damn cat through EAR PLUGS!

I hate Butters. I really do. He used to be my favorite cat and now when I see him, I am just disgusted. I mean, if I could just come home and he would be dead I would be so happy. I can't take him to the vet to be put to sleep, although I would if they were open at 3a.m.! I mean, I would LIKE to have him put to sleep, but I just don't know if I can do it. Unfortunately, I think it may be our only option. Nobody would take this cat. NOBODY. What am I going to do though? I was late to work a second morning in a row today because of him. I slept through 40 minutes of my alarm going off before I woke up!!!!!!

The whole reason we have the cats in the (HUGE, SPACIOUS, NICE) utility room is to prepare them for when the baby gets here. I can't have the cats pawing at our door and meowying all night long then. And if we were to leave our door open I just know they would get in the way. #1 they'd be all over me in the bed and #2 I am pretty sure they'd try and jump in the bassinet. That's just the kind of rude, misbehaving cats they are.

Ugh, I really am in tears over this. I am at my wits end. I don't know what happened because Butters was doing so well for about 2 weeks there. Nothing has changed to make him start meowing again. But I am closer to snapping and quite literally going in there and committing some horrible act of animal violence than I have ever been. Maybe Michael Vick could help me out......

OK OK. I'm kidding on that last part. But still...the thought has crossed my mind (a lot).

:'(

Valentine's Day Update

So, ever since I posted my "lazy" blog, I decided that it was time to come up with a plan of action. I have pretty much solved all of my laziness problems by coming up with a cleaning list. Each day I have a small cleaning project to do. Monday is cleaning the bedrooms, Tuesday the bathroom and so on... DH is in on it too and really likes the plan. We've done very well the first week. I hope we can keep it up. It just feels better when you have a clean house and a routine that you should be following.

The only thing I haven't solved is my lack of motivation to work out. I have gone on small walks the last two evenings. But I am finding it very hard to carry this big body around. My stomach is pretty heavy and the pressure from the baby on my bladder is quite intense. That makes exercise a little hard. I probably should have just kept it up all alone and it wouldn't be this bad now. Oh well. What's done is done. I am trying to at least get some activity now.

I had an Obstetrician appointment yesterday. I had only gained about 3 pounds since my last appointment, which is great. The month before, I had gained EIGHT. My total weight gain is around 30 pounds now. Yikes...I was hoping to make it out of the pregnancy only gaining 25. Oops. I am measuring 29 weeks, which is perfect since that is exactly how many weeks along I am. The top of my uterus is now only a few inches below my sternum. That means all of my other organs are squished up in my chest cavity. No wonder I am feeling a bit sore! I also had to drink 10 ounces of this glucose drink for my gestational diabetes test (ick!!). I really hope I passed it. I won't know until early next week. I am now to the point where I go see my doctor every two weeks, instead of every four. I am really excited about that. #1 it means that I can get more frequent doses of reassurance that things are progressing as they should be. And #2 that means we are getting closer to meeting Jane! Wow. Just 11 more weeks. Wow wow wow.

This Saturday is Valentine's Day. DH and I will probably go to dinner and a movie. We have done this the last several years and I love it. :) I don't know why I love Valentine's Day, but all of the red, pink, hearts, flowers, balloons etc. really appeal to me. I think it's a visual thing. I always loved giving out the little paper Valentine's in elementary school. The construction paper hearts, the glitter, glue and those conversational hearts...ah. I guess I've always loved V-Day. I can finally admit it. One year, when I worked at Hallmark, I got really into it. I came up with a scavenger hunt for each of my immediate family members. I went all out. I wrote poems with clues in them and they had to go all over the house until they found their presents. That was fun. Wonder where that creativity of mine went to...??

Oh, and one final update on our cat, Butters. We have been locking him up in the utility room at night and he is doing SO WELL now. I can't believe it! I think all he needed was repetition and absolutely NO responses, good or bad, to his meows. He very may well get to meet Jane. I am in awe of how well he's doing. The last two nights we put him in the room he didn't even try to get back out but went immediately to his bed on the floor. Kind of funny how my problems tend to not be problems at all and eventually things just work out.

Cabin Fever

I have got a really bad case of cabin fever today. I am just dying to be on the beach in Destin again. DH and I took a vacation in 2004 that was the best time of my life and I want that time back today.

Flip flops and a flowy skirt, tanned skin, looking great in a bikini (2004...sniff sniff), a restaurant directly on the beach, live music in the background, that exhaustion you get from being out in the sun all day, the smell of sunscreen, cold crystal clear ocean water, the glorious after pool naps, cute toddlers running around in the sand, FRESH shrimp, a cold beer.....ah.

It's torture! I HATE winter. Everything is gray. I need some green in my life. I need sunshine and warm temperatures. Give me, give me, I need, I need!!!

It's Picture Time!

Well, we have begun to get the nursery together. I think it's looking pretty good. I have to wait until after my showers are over to buy the rest of the stuff I will need (which is killing me...my showers aren't until the end of MARCH). I still want curtains for the room, some more pictures for the walls, and of course the bedding in the crib. But I guess this is how the room is basically going to look, give or take a few items.

Here are a few in progress pics:

And here are a few pics of the nursery today. Still more to do, but you get the idea:

The other night I was just sitting in the nursery when I noticed that the stupid mattress wasn't sitting in the crib right. There are two sides that won't go down all the way. This is really stressing me out. We can't get it fixed! To be honest, it doesn't seem like a big deal. There is NO WAY that mattress is going to move in that crib. But the crazy worry-obsessed mom in me wonders if it could create some SIDS risk. Ugh....why won't the mattress just fit? I threw away the plastic on it already thinking that it was perfect. It's not. I seriously don't know what we are going to do to "fix" this problem. I can't go and buy another new crib and mattress! I guess you can't really tell in this picture. But I'm posting it anyway. It's just driving me nuts.

And I guess I will finish with some lovely tummy shots. I am starting to get pretty big. I do believe I will qualify for my own zip code by the time I hit 40 weeks.

Here is me at 23-ish weeks. I thought I was big.

And here is me now, at 29 weeks. I am starting to get that puffy face syndrome. I hope it doesn't get out of control. I am betting it will.

And let me just finish by saying that the layout of this blog is killing me. I have tried and tried to get it to look better but I guess I am just not that computer savvy or something. There are blank lines where I don't want them and no lines where I do want them. Just pretend like it looks nice, please.