I am a drug addict

I cannot survive without this drug. I take the yellow one. The highest dose they have. If I ever go off of it again who knows will happen. Each time I go off I get progressively worse. This last time I have been the closest to suicidal as I have ever been, which for the record isn't all that close. I'm just saying...I guess if I ever get to be a mother I will just have to take the risk by staying on Zoloft, a Class C drug, while I am pregnant. Not that I have any actual hope that I will ever get to experience a term pregnancy in my life.

I don't like being the way I am. I don't like my personality. I don't like the way my voice sounds. I don't like that pain in my gut when I try to think positive. I don't like the way my face looks just so ordinary. I don't like that I take up so much space when all I really want is to disappear. I don't like how I've never been the girl that boys sing about. I don't like how my hands don't look very feminine. I don't ike how I can't entertain myself. I don't like how men don't look at me anymore. I don't like my hair. I don't like how I rely on a pill to keep from going crazy. I don't like how I can't get motivated to lose weight. I don't like how I can't sleep at night because my brain won't shut up. I don't like that I can't take disappointment. I don't like that I am not a mother. I don't like that I compare my looks to all the beautiful girls and always come up short. I don't like that I can't allow my husband to see me naked. I don't like that he doesn't admire me anymore.

I really hope this drug starts to kick in really fast this time around. Just as soon as I start to feel good something knocks me back down. I guess it's all my fault. I am pretty useless.

I think I'm clinically depressed. Like more depressed than I have ever been in my entire life, except for the day my cat died. Even more depressed than when I had my miscarriage and nearly bled to death.

I don't know what to do to get better.

BFN and My "Epiphany" is A Load of Crap

There is nothing crueler than a negative pregnancy test when you want to be pregnant. Where the second line should be there is a stark white nothingness staring back at you. You say that this month you are taking things easy. You aren't pushing it. You are relaxed. Whatever will be will be. But then you see the big fat negative and it is a slap in the face. You failed. Again. And that is crushing. Defeating. Sickening.

You have nothing to do with yourself. No responsibilities. Nothing to look forward to but another month of "trying". You try watching TV but there is nothing on. You try reading, but you can't concentrate. You can't go shopping because you are broke. You could go on a walk, but that would only occupy about 40 minutes of your day so why even bother. So you spend your Sunday alternating between sleeping and crying.

Sleep. Cry. Repeat.

And now you are paralyzed for another month. You can't really diet. You can't exercise much. You can't plan vacations or anything that doesn't fall on a potential fertile day. You can't drink your sorrows away. You can't go swimming because you've let yourself go. You can't call your sister because she doesn't understand. Most of your friends don't understand what you are going through and don't want to be bothered by depressing stuff like this anyway. You can't take Ativan. Your mother says be patient. It will happen when you least expect it. Your husband says this will be our month for the fifth month in a row.

You try to muster up the strength to go through another month of hope and disappointment. You don't know how you will do it again. But somehow you will find a way. Hope returns even when it is not welcome or warranted.

...sigh...

I had been doing pretty fantastic this month about the whole pregnancy thing. I had my "epiphany" and I really felt relaxed and a lot better about the whole situation. But today is really hard for me. A lot of the women on my message boards that I have become e-friends with have gone on to graduate and get pregnant. As for me, I am now in my fourth two-week wait and feeling very un-pregnant. I feel left in the dust by all the fertile women who can actually do what their bodies have been designed to do. I want to be pregnant so badly that it physically hurts my heart. People keep saying it will happen but each month that goes by and it doesn't, I get a little more hopeless and a little more scared that it may never happen. And to add insult to injury, I found out that my insurance does not cover infertility testing or drugs. It puts that kind of stuff in the same category as plastic surgery. (I guess their line of reasoning is that if you want to be pregnant you want to alter your body in some way and this is the same as having elective cosmetic surgery. Sure...that makes sense to me. **major eye roll**)

The other day one of my friends said something to me that wasn't meant to be hurtful, but it was. I told her that I was really tired or something like that and she said, "Yeah but you don't have any children. You don't have the right to be tired!" And she didn't mean it as a slap in the face, but it kind of felt like one. She apologized and I am not angry. I mean, to someone not trying to conceive it was just an annoying comment about how children make you "worthy" somehow. But in my situation, I am just always reminded of not being a mommy.

I want a family too. Why do I not have the right to a family but everyone else does?

And I know this is just more self-pity. I know that I am not the only woman in this situation. I know that some women have been through a lot worse than myself, but some days are hard and some days I just need to get all of these emotions down on paper to make me feel a little bit less burdened by it all.

What? It's only TUESDAY??!!

Some days it is hard to think of 5 things that you are truly grateful for. Today is one of those days.

1 - My dad. He came over this morning and put mulch around our landscaping in the front yard without us even asking. This is pretty back-breaking work and took him probably 3 hours to do. It looks great.

2 - My mom. She is in Florida right now with her friends and I already miss her although she's only been gone a few days. I hope she is having a good time. She deserves it.

3 - My house. I like it.

4 - Summer. It doesn't get dark until 9:30 here. How can you not like that?

5 - The Ped Egg. This thing finally made my feet look good and relatively callus/crack/gross peely, scratchy skin free. Although I think I may have taken it too far. My feet are now red and sore from taking too much good skin off. I tend to go overboard with stuff like that.

Soup Du'Jour

Five things I am grateful for today:

1 - My friend Andi. She's the only LOCAL friend that I have and it's great getting to know her and her family. She has been super helpful to me in my TTC journey. I love my far away friends, but it is so nice to have a friend who resides in the same county as I. Especially since I have such a hard time making friends on my own.

2 - My job and the 5% raise that I am getting this year. I love my low stress job. And although this 5% raise is the lowest I have gotten in about 4 years, it is way more than a lot of people are getting in this poor economy. PLUS, my job is the steadiest thing around. I have no fear of ever getting laid off.

3 - My commute. With gas prices so high I smile every day as I make my way home from work. If everything is timed just right I can get home in 3.5 minutes. I am totally not taking this fact for granted.

4 - My husband. He's been on this crazy cleaning kick lately and I am loving it. And just the other day as I was stressing out over what to wear to Emily's wedding shower that didn't make me look like a beached whale, he said, "You poor thing. Girls have it so hard." How can you not love a boy like that?!

5 - The nap I am gonna take today. Once I have kids, my napping days are over. You better believe I am gonna get in all the naps I can before I get knocked up...and I refuse to feel guilty about them.

I am almost OK

I have been struggling lately with the fear that I will never have in my life all that I want. It has been consuming and paralyzing me. I have not been living my life. I have been stuck. I compare myself to others. They have kids, they have a big house, they have money in savings, they are thin and pretty. And I have/am none of those things. But this just means that I have not been playing the leading role in my life. This comparing and obsessing has only put me on the back burner. I don't like this. I want my life to be my own. I want the leading role.

Last night I had a bit of an epiphany. I have finally realized that even if my worst fears do come true, I will be OK.

If I never get pregnant and carry a baby to term, I will not die. I know in my heart that I will be a mother one day. If I have to adopt to achieve that goal, then that will be OK. An adopted child would need me more than anything. An adopted child would be one less soul that is already suffering in the world that I could actually help. I could actually be their mother and love them in a way no one else will. This is comforting to me, to say with 100% certainty that I will be a mother one day.

And I may never be able to afford a big house with a playroom for the kids. But this is also OK. Other people's possessions in life have nothing to do with me. Their money and their belongings do not detract from me as an individual. This is not something I have realized before, although it seems quite obvious. If the Joneses have a mansion and $100,000 in savings and no debt then what exactly does that have to do with me? NOTHING! Nothing at all.

And so what if I am not 130 pounds and beautiful? Just because one girl is prettier and skinnier than I am, it does not mean that she is worthier too. I have the same right to happiness and life that anyone else does on this planet. And that is also something that I have never realized before.

My life is enough. I am enough. And that is my epiphany.