I am almost OK

I have been struggling lately with the fear that I will never have in my life all that I want. It has been consuming and paralyzing me. I have not been living my life. I have been stuck. I compare myself to others. They have kids, they have a big house, they have money in savings, they are thin and pretty. And I have/am none of those things. But this just means that I have not been playing the leading role in my life. This comparing and obsessing has only put me on the back burner. I don't like this. I want my life to be my own. I want the leading role.

Last night I had a bit of an epiphany. I have finally realized that even if my worst fears do come true, I will be OK.

If I never get pregnant and carry a baby to term, I will not die. I know in my heart that I will be a mother one day. If I have to adopt to achieve that goal, then that will be OK. An adopted child would need me more than anything. An adopted child would be one less soul that is already suffering in the world that I could actually help. I could actually be their mother and love them in a way no one else will. This is comforting to me, to say with 100% certainty that I will be a mother one day.

And I may never be able to afford a big house with a playroom for the kids. But this is also OK. Other people's possessions in life have nothing to do with me. Their money and their belongings do not detract from me as an individual. This is not something I have realized before, although it seems quite obvious. If the Joneses have a mansion and $100,000 in savings and no debt then what exactly does that have to do with me? NOTHING! Nothing at all.

And so what if I am not 130 pounds and beautiful? Just because one girl is prettier and skinnier than I am, it does not mean that she is worthier too. I have the same right to happiness and life that anyone else does on this planet. And that is also something that I have never realized before.

My life is enough. I am enough. And that is my epiphany.