BFN and My "Epiphany" is A Load of Crap

There is nothing crueler than a negative pregnancy test when you want to be pregnant. Where the second line should be there is a stark white nothingness staring back at you. You say that this month you are taking things easy. You aren't pushing it. You are relaxed. Whatever will be will be. But then you see the big fat negative and it is a slap in the face. You failed. Again. And that is crushing. Defeating. Sickening.

You have nothing to do with yourself. No responsibilities. Nothing to look forward to but another month of "trying". You try watching TV but there is nothing on. You try reading, but you can't concentrate. You can't go shopping because you are broke. You could go on a walk, but that would only occupy about 40 minutes of your day so why even bother. So you spend your Sunday alternating between sleeping and crying.

Sleep. Cry. Repeat.

And now you are paralyzed for another month. You can't really diet. You can't exercise much. You can't plan vacations or anything that doesn't fall on a potential fertile day. You can't drink your sorrows away. You can't go swimming because you've let yourself go. You can't call your sister because she doesn't understand. Most of your friends don't understand what you are going through and don't want to be bothered by depressing stuff like this anyway. You can't take Ativan. Your mother says be patient. It will happen when you least expect it. Your husband says this will be our month for the fifth month in a row.

You try to muster up the strength to go through another month of hope and disappointment. You don't know how you will do it again. But somehow you will find a way. Hope returns even when it is not welcome or warranted.