tick tock tick tock tick tock.....

I can't sleep at night. Yeah, my bizarre nap schedule has something to do with that, but mainly it is my brain. For some reason I get most of my worrying done right when I am supposed to be falling asleep. So, what's on my mind these days? A lot of it is petty, but still...this stuff bothers me and seems quite insurmountable at 1:00a.m.:

• Baby's heartbeat: I rented a doppler and used it for the first time last night. I don't think we found the heartbeat, which is disappointing. I don't have a sinking feeling though. I still think I've got a live little being with a heartbeat inside of me. I just want to hear it. I will try again tonight, but I thought about my doppler techniques and ways to improve them all night long.
• DAYCARE: Ugh. Andi's sitter will likely have an opening next August, which is just perfect!! It really is. But...I am gonna really have a hard time sending my itty bitty baby to day care and go back to work full time. And I do have questions about this sitter. I am sure she's good, but I just don't see how one person can care for 6-7 children at once when this includes 1-2 infants. And I don't even know how to interview a potential sitter/day care facility. I am in over my head here.
• Am I gonna be one of those annoying soccer moms? Is my personality going to change when my child is born? I sure hope not. Because to me, there is nothing more annoying than those mothers who think that they are something special simply because they've given birth. They think their children are somehow special and better than the rest, when really they are just like every other little brat on the face of the planet. Uh oh...I am not sure that I really like kids. Or their self-righteous parents. Surely I will love my child, but I sure hope I don't forget to talk about other issues I am passionate about. I hope I will still have opinions on things other than the Disney Channel and the local school system.
• We have a lot of CRAP in our house that we need to get rid of. Do I give it away or try to sell it? Jeremy's gonna be pissed when he hears that I want to get rid of that big boxy I take up way too much room TV in the study. But a lot of our stuff needs to go. Big deal right? Yeah, it is kind of overwhelming at 1:00 a.m. for some reason.
• I am fat. And I am going to get fatter before I get thinner. I know being pregnant is a good excuse, but sheesh...I weigh too much. And I gained 20 pounds while TTC, which was a dumb idea. I am afraid of what people are going to say about me at 8-9 months pregnant. I just don't want people saying, "man she got HUGE" and comparing me to everyone else they knew who got pregnant and stayed pretty thin. I'm betting they will. I am gonna end up the size of a house. I hope this doesn't mean I will get pre-eclampsia or gestational diabetes. But at night I often worry about my weight. I haven't weighed myself on my own to see if I've gained anything since being pregnant. I'm sure I have, although I feel like I'm not eating a lot.
• When is Home Pros gonna install our new windows? Seriously. We signed the contract 3.5 months ago. I know they are behind, but at what point do I start taking up for myself to make sure they aren't just putting us at the bottom of their list since we are so "nice" about it all.
• And once they do install our windows we're gonna have to order new window shades from somebody. Ugh...Lowe's I guess. How much is that gonna cost? Wonder how long we'll go with zero window treatments...
• I don't feel pregnant today. That is scary. What if we didn't find the heartbeat last night because there isn't one? What if the baby has died? What if the baby is alive but it's going to have some major birth defect? Then what am I supposed to do?!
• What if I die during labor? What if my child dies during labor? I saw "A Baby Story" yesterday on TLC and the epidurals scare me. The entire process scares me.

As I get further and further into my worrying, the worries seem to get more outlandish and more ridiculous. It seems to snowball. In reality, everything is going to work out. It always does. So why can't I let it all go at night? Too bad you can't take Ativan while pregnant...that always helped me let it go.

Who needs a nap?

My daily routine is in severe need of a shake up. I've become a complete loser in my adult life. I am glad I am finally knocked up because goodness only knows that I need something to hold me accountable for these "actions" of mine.

Let's take a closer look:
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4:30pm - get home, immediately change into more comfortable pajamas, unwind with a little Oprah

5:30pm - greet husband with wholesome hot dinner on the table

5:30 for real - greet husband with complaints of starving to death but too sick/lazy/tired to cook anything and nothing sounds really good anyway

6:00pm - Well, I guess Arby's would be OK. Make husband go get me Arby's or just eat a bowl of cereal instead

6:30pm - Food gone. Uncontrollable urge to nap begins to take over.

7:00pm - Can't fight fatigue anymore. Go to lie down in bed for just 30 minutes

8:00pm - Husband tries to wake me up. I tell him to go away. Come back in 30 minutes.

8:30pm - Husband tells me it's 8:30, I better get up.

9:00pm - Wake up and yell at husband for not making me get up. Watch TV until the post-nap coma wears off

10:00pm - realize I'm still watching TV and probably won't get much accomplished this evening anyway

11:00pm - make my way back to the bedroom

11:30pm - turn out the lights

11:30-2:00am - toss and turn because I can't sleep for some inexplicable reason

8:11am - hit snooze button for the 5th time and realize that I am late for work, as usual
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So there you have it. Upon further reflection, perhaps my evening nap is a bit ill-advised. I just don't know how to get past that hump. If I don't take a nap, I am useless because I am so tired. Now I know some of you may say that I should just suck it up for ONE day and forego my nap to get myself back on a "normal" schedule. The only problem is, I can't even get to sleep at a proper hour on nights I don't take a nap. I am a night owl. (I even have a nightgown with the applique to prove it.)

So what do I do? I guess I should live up my napping days while I still can. I mean, supposedly once a baby comes this napping when I want to is out the window. (I'm still hoping my child will excel at napping as well as I do.) Well, I guess I know what I SHOULD do. Go on a walk or do yoga when I find that horrid fatigue creeping in. But man...where's the fun in that? I'm not very good at yoga anyway. I like to do things I excel at and napping is my specialty. What can I say, it's my gift.

So this is my struggle. My cross to bear. But somehow I carry on one day at a time. Just as long as I get that nap, everything will be OK.

Ooh, I might have a baby!!!

I can feel the beginnings of a "baby bump" (yeah I hate that phrase). Isn't that cool? You can't tell, but I can. If I were about 30 pounds lighter it would be more pronounced. But oh how neat. My tummy is starting to get that little curve. Wow. Assuming that everything is still going fine in there, this is super neat news. Just really cool. Something I've never experienced before and I was always curious as to how the whole baby belly thing would work.

Saw a heartbeat and still in disbelief

I can't really write much these days. I'm tired and I am sick (not your typical morning sickness, just a low grade icky-ness) and I am still worried a lot (surprise!).

But, we saw the heartbeat on Wednesday. DH went with me and we both got to see the little flickering heart. It was pretty neat. It was surreal, actually. Kind of like I was in a dream. I loved my DH's reaction. He said he was surprised that I didn't act more elated, but it's hard to jump up and down for joy when you've got a wand stuck up your nether regions.

But, I am super thrilled. Now I just need to focus on the 95% success rate with pregnancies that have made it to this point. I need to stop reading about girls who saw the heartbeat only to miscarry weeks later. I just need to stay off the internet altogether, I do believe.

I'm actually getting sick of my message boards. I am sick of analyzing everything to death. I am getting on my own nerves.

I am not attached to this baby as a "person" yet. I'm attached to the idea of a person, but this particular baby and I have yet to bond. I mean, I just can't picture me giving birth. I can't even imagine it at all, to be honest. I don't know if that already makes me a bad mother or not, but I don't know how I can feel for something the size of an olive at this point. I am still too on edge. Still too afraid that I won't be a mommy in April/May afterall. Some girls on the message boards said they feel really in tune with their baby to be. I don't understand that at all. Not yet at least. Some have their names picked out and their nurseries ready. What?! That seems a little premature to me. I'm not ready to invest that much. Not yet.

Occasionally I will get so happy and excited and nervous about starting my family, but it is short- lived. I'm protecting myself by not feeling too excited...but not really. It is too far away for me to really focus on it. Sometimes I feel like I am lying to people when I tell them I am pregnant. It seems too good to be true. So, for now I am just sort of stunned. Stunned is a good word for how I am feeling.

I know I should be on cloud nine 24/7. I thought I would be. But...yeah...just stunned. Wonder when it will all feel real.

But, wow. There is a beating heart inside of me besides my own. That is just INSANE. It's just unbelievable. It's just the best thing ever and the scariest thing ever and I just really can't believe it. Honestly. I don't believe it. And even though each day feels like a year, I just may be a mommy to a real live baby due May 1. Two days before I turn 30.

Whoa. Babies and turning thirty. It's too much for me right now.

I'm gonna watch Lost.

Waiting for Wednesday

I've not been doing much of anything these days. I am a bit paralyzed, I suppose. I have a big ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday at 10:10 and I honestly feel as though I can't do anything until that is over.

It's a big one. If there is a heartbeat, then this pregnancy is likely to continue. If we do not have a heartbeat then I am betting a D&C will be scheduled so we can terminate the pregnancy. It's pretty scary. I obviously am hoping with every ounce of energy I have for a heartbeat, but I am trying to prepare myself for the worst.

In all likelihood there will be a heartbeat. In all likelihood, I am going to be having a baby in April/May. These are good thoughts, but I don't want to get too attached to this baby yet.

I'm waiting for Wednesday.

I Don't Feel Good

I am pregnant. I believe it now. Because all weekend I have been sick, sick, sick. Not your stereotypical morning sickness. Just an all day horrible feeling that won't go away.

Yes, this is what I wanted.

Oh happy days!!

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go sit and stare at the walls some more.

I love (and fear for) my country

I did not vote for Bush in 2000. I did not vote for Bush in 2004. And I will not be voting for Bush...er, McCain...in 2008.

I cannot fathom that McCain could possibly win this election. Yet, the polls are shocking me. If McCain wins I am going to go into an even deeper depression than I did when BUSH (oh my HOW did that happen?!) became president...TWICE!!! I may have to move.

Thousands of Americans have died in Iraq. We should never have been in Iraq in the first place. Yes, it is agreed that Sadaam Husein was a bad man. But this war was unnecesary. Now we are stuck there. Great. Now the rest of the world hates us. A lot of our allies are now former allies. I don't like that. I want people to be on our side. It scares me when they aren't. We can't be such egotistic fools to think that we can go it alone. How can that be protecting Americans from terrorism when the rest of the world hates us?!

Since Bush has been in office my health care costs have sky-rocketed. I pay more in taxes now than I ever have. Gas prices are through the roof. The value of my home is pretty much the same as it was when I bought it five years ago. My husband has gotten 1% raises and is lucky to have gotten anything at all. And this is just the stuff that has affected me. I've been pretty lucky, considering. I know the government isn't responsible for everything. But come on. Something needs to change here. We need to try a new tactic.

So why would I vote for more of the same? Why can't we try something new for once? I've heard of a lot of people who are only voting for McCain because he is pro- life. What?! THIS is their deciding issue?! Wow. Just...wow. And his vice-presidential nominee sounds like a complete right-wing conservative and that is simply TERRIFYING to me. Her 17-year old daughter is pregnant. So much for the whole teaching "abstinence" thing. Guess that doesn't always work. Maybe someone should have shown her a condom. Nah, that's just wrong to be condoning sex. Wouldn't want to put the wrong idea in her head.

I've also heard from people who say they just cannot vote for a black man, when they otherwise agree with his policies. This is hilarious. At least they are admitting their racism. Just let me stay away from those people, thank you very much. I mean, come on. I guess you don't believe all men (and women) are created equal. Nice. Just real nice there... Oh and by the way, he's half white. Guess you don't count that when there is a drop of black blood in him. Taints the whole thing, don't it? Sounds to me like we should be voting for Voldemort in 2008. PURE BLOODS ONLY, right?

I hate politics. I hate everything about it. I tried to ignore the democratic convention. I tried to not watch it. But I did. And O'Bama blew me away. He is so intelligent. I am not used to intelligence in office these days. I am used to blubbering idiots who have absolutely NOTHING in common with me. I think the only thing that Bush and I agree on is that...well...I don't know what we may agree on, politically. Oh man. Surely there is SOMETHING?!!!!

I sure hope O'Bama wins. I'm gonna have to go into hiding for a while if he doesn't, because McCain/Palin scares me to death. Sometimes I think I need to move out of Kentucky into a blue state.

There. I said my piece. I just needed to get it out of my system.