I can't really write much these days. I'm tired and I am sick (not your typical morning sickness, just a low grade icky-ness) and I am still worried a lot (surprise!).
But, we saw the heartbeat on Wednesday. DH went with me and we both got to see the little flickering heart. It was pretty neat. It was surreal, actually. Kind of like I was in a dream. I loved my DH's reaction. He said he was surprised that I didn't act more elated, but it's hard to jump up and down for joy when you've got a wand stuck up your nether regions.
But, I am super thrilled. Now I just need to focus on the 95% success rate with pregnancies that have made it to this point. I need to stop reading about girls who saw the heartbeat only to miscarry weeks later. I just need to stay off the internet altogether, I do believe.
I'm actually getting sick of my message boards. I am sick of analyzing everything to death. I am getting on my own nerves.
I am not attached to this baby as a "person" yet. I'm attached to the idea of a person, but this particular baby and I have yet to bond. I mean, I just can't picture me giving birth. I can't even imagine it at all, to be honest. I don't know if that already makes me a bad mother or not, but I don't know how I can feel for something the size of an olive at this point. I am still too on edge. Still too afraid that I won't be a mommy in April/May afterall. Some girls on the message boards said they feel really in tune with their baby to be. I don't understand that at all. Not yet at least. Some have their names picked out and their nurseries ready. What?! That seems a little premature to me. I'm not ready to invest that much. Not yet.
Occasionally I will get so happy and excited and nervous about starting my family, but it is short- lived. I'm protecting myself by not feeling too excited...but not really. It is too far away for me to really focus on it. Sometimes I feel like I am lying to people when I tell them I am pregnant. It seems too good to be true. So, for now I am just sort of stunned. Stunned is a good word for how I am feeling.
I know I should be on cloud nine 24/7. I thought I would be. But...yeah...just stunned. Wonder when it will all feel real.
But, wow. There is a beating heart inside of me besides my own. That is just INSANE. It's just unbelievable. It's just the best thing ever and the scariest thing ever and I just really can't believe it. Honestly. I don't believe it. And even though each day feels like a year, I just may be a mommy to a real live baby due May 1. Two days before I turn 30.
Whoa. Babies and turning thirty. It's too much for me right now.
I'm gonna watch Lost.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Congratulations! I'm glad to hear all is well!
I remember when we saw our bean's heartbeat, and I had that same thought: "I have two hearts inside of me right now!" it was soooo weird and sooo surreal. I also was in awe at the fact that my body was actually pumping MORE blood! Pregnancy is an amazing and weird thing.
Don't feel too bad about your sense of disconnection. From what I hear, it's very common for a PAL to feel that way. As for those girls who are blissed out, picking names, nursery themes, etc... They most likely are not PAL. I was picking out nursery themes, buying diapers, etc. when I was pregnant the first time. I knew m/c could happen, as it had happened to two of my best friends, but I guess I never really thought that it'd be me.
I'm so glad to hear that you saw your LO's heartbeat. That is so awesome, and I'm thrilled to hear everything is going well!
Post a Comment