Insomnia is a BITCH

I'm posting blog entries left and right these days.  It's because my brain is on over-drive.  I don't know how to shift into neutral.  (cool analogy, huh?  I thought you would like that.  I'm soooo savvy.)
Now I can no longer complain about Jane and her poor sleep habits.  I know exactly where she gets it from. 

Pointing finger at ----->ME

(Oh who am I kidding, I will still complain about it.  It's what I do.)

It happens a lot.  I will lie in bed and just NOT sleep.  I don't think of anything in particular (health issues, blog entries, grocery lists, why are my hands itchy, it's too hot, I think I need to pee, my shoulder hurts, hey I am not sleeping, if I fall asleep now I can still get 6 hours, seriously, WHY are my hands itching.....).  My brain won't shut up!  Last night I laid in bed from 11-2 before I gave up looking at the clock.  I assume that's because I fell asleep shortly thereafter.  I hope that's why.  Sometimes I don't even know IF I slept the night before. 

If I wasn't sleeping with my little one and if I wasn't still nursing her and if I wasn't scared she would need me in the middle of the night, I would be popping Xanax like nobody's business.  I'm a bundle of neurotic nerves.  I've been pushed into overdrive by a week of poor sleep (thank you Jane) and I guess I am so worked up into a zombified frenzy that my brain won't shut down at night anymore.

Tonight I am going to bed when Jane does.  I'm now allowed to get out of the bed and check Facebook.  No status updates.  No TV.  No reading.  (No working out.)  I am punishing myself.  I "sleep" when she sleeps.  Take THAT insomnia!

10 Reasons Why Co-Sleeping is Swell

1. In the event of fire, grab Jane and run. 
2. Good excuse not to have sex.  I can't.  We'll squish Jane and kill her!
3. Lower heating bills.  That girl is a little furnace!
4. I get in my snuggle time.  She can't push me away when she's asleep.  Ha ha!!!
5. Night nursing.  It's gonna happen.  Might as well not get up for it.
6. I can indulge in my obsessiveness and check a million times if she's still breathing.  (She always is.)
7. I'd rather be woken up by Jane poking me in the eyes and smiling at me than by an alarm clock any old day.
8. I can keep my sanity instead of torturing myself listening to her cry all night. 
9. There has to be some great endorphins released into my body just by being near her.  I can feel the goodness of her all night.  Surely I am offering some of that back to her.
10. She's really cute.  And she smells good.

Let Me Get All Philosophical-ish

Jane did good last night.  She slept from 7:40 to 1-ish.  I nursed her (because I am so not gonna try night weaning right now), she fell back to sleep until 3-ish.  I nursed her again and she did squirm and TRY to wake up but never really did until around 7am.  Kind of sucky to constantly be trying to keep her asleep from 3 am til she woke up though.  Funny thing was that I had insomnia last night despite (or because of) my exhaustion.  I laid in bed 2-3 hours before I fell asleep.  That always happens.

And again, I have to clarify that I am not anti-CIO.  Well, some days I am, when I am feeling "holier than thou" and pissed off that MY baby is so hard.  It's easier to be judgmental on those days.  But mostly, I know that you do what you have to do.  One thing I have learned upon becoming a parent, is that you hold all judgment on your fellow parents because you just don't know what their situation is.  You don't know what their baby is like.  You just don't know. 

Speaking of parents and their differences.... I came across someone's blog the other day (don't know her...she's not even on one of my message boards) and she was giving out pointers for baby gear to "newbie parents".  So funny because the things she said you should not bother buying were the opposite from my view.  The things she said you can't live without, I could certainly live without.  I think it's so interesting and great how we all differ.  That is why I should just live and let live and stop worrying about other people so much.  We are all so different.  Just because one person says that their child liked this or did that does not mean mine will.  I keep hanging on everyone's "advice" like it is universal fact.  I don't know why I don't have faith in my own instincts.   

"Faith" is definitely something I don't have.  Don't have it when it comes to religion (and not looking for it, thank you).  Don't have it when it comes to my body (hence the hypochondria).  And I certainly don't have it when it comes to my choices as a parent.  Don't know how you obtain this "faith" either.  And, quite honestly, I am not sure if I want it.  To blindly assume things will be OK is not in my personality type.  It seems almost illogical (no, I am not a Vulcan).   I think, with age and further experience (I'm only 30 for crying out loud) I will get better.  Maybe that is what parenthood is here to teach me: to trust blindly in myself

Hi, I'm Jealous

Before I had Jane I knew one of the biggest adjustments I would have to make upon entering parenthood was the loss of sleep.  I had a hunch I would get one of those babies who wasn't "good" and didn't ever sleep through the night.  Perhaps this was a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Meet Jane.

Isn't she precious?  She is my LIFE.  I adore her.  However, Jane does not like to sleep.  Her mother prizes sleep as one of her most precious pasttimes.  PASTtime sure is spot-on. 

Sigh....

We took Jane to her nine-month well check and everything was great.  She's healthy as can be.  Never been sick a day in her life.  Growing according to plan.  So, I should not have mentioned the fact that Jane is an awful sleeper because that meant the doctor had to ask WHERE she slept.   Um...with me, I timidly respond, knowing his response would not be what I wanted to hear.  Of course he says she NEEDS to sleep alone and even WANTS to sleep alone, uninterrupted for 12 hours in a row (ha ha ha, 12 hours in a row, good one).  He then proceeds to tell me that it won't hurt her to cry-it-out alone in her crib.  That it is OK for her to cry for 2 hours and to throw up during the meltdown.  It won't permanently damage her.  It's better to do it now than later, when she is older.  He says when she is older it will be worse.*  (*I call bullshit, but whatever...)

I took it with a grain of salt.  But after a day or so, I got to thinking that maybe we'd try the crib again.  She's been going through another rough phase (as if the one before had ended) and several times when I do get into bed with her at night it seems to wake her up and she gets excited when she realizes I am there and wants to stay up.  So I thought that maybe it really would be best for her (and me) to sleep in separate beds. 

I know I don't know what I am doing with the cry-it-out technique and I don't plan on becoming a pro at it.  But Day 1 proceeds with me trying to put her in her crib once she's asleep just for her to get used to sleeping there.  Well, I quickly found out that wasn't going to happen.  She somehow senses that I am dropping her in the crib and wakes up crying immediately, even when I thought she was asleep.  I tried to get her in that crib 5 times and the last time I just left her to cry.  I knew she was sleepy because she was SLEEPING just seconds before.  So I thought, hey I am just going to let her cry.  I left her in there for 30 minutes.  She screamed and cried the entire time before I gave up.  I felt awful.  It's a sickening feeling deep in my soul, twisting my stomach in knots.  I felt like I was abusing her...I don't CARE that the doctor says it won't hurt her in the long-run because, to me, I am feeling quite the opposite.  If my "mommy instincts" are screaming at me so loud when this happens, I'm going to blindly assume what I am doing is wrong.  When I went in to go pick her up she was so relieved.  She had chewed the crib and pieces of wood were all over her face (despite our recently purchased bite guards...you can't cover the entire crib in plastic).  The poor child.  What kind of horrible parent am I? 

So there is the end of my cry-it-out attempt at 9 months.  I won't do it.  I can't do it.  I don't even care if you told me that in 1 week she would be sleeping great.  The cost of that great sleep is too much for me.  It is too much for Jane.  I refuse. 

Now I am left with co-sleeping.  I do like it.  And I do hate it.  Lately she will go to bed around 8.  She's up again at 10 when I come to bed and often won't fall back to sleep for up to an hour and a half.  Then we sleep for a few hours and she's up again.  Last night she slept til 3 which is quite good for her.  But then I couldn't get her back to sleep until 4:30.  She was up for the day at 7am.  I don't know how she does it.  She acts as though she's the happiest child in the world during the day.  Doesn't seem to be suffering from any ill effects if you ask me.  She's crawling, babbling, cruising and doing all of the things babies her age should be.  Shame on that doctor for making me think I am doing her a disservice by sleeping with her.  If only he knew the damage he did to my parenting ego.

And the title of my blog entry comes into play now when I say that I am INSANELY JEALOUS of people who have babies who sleep well.  I have many friends on Facebook who have children the same age as I and their status updates at 8 and 9pm drive me nuts.  People actually get to DO things at night when their child sleeps.  I don't.  I am trapped in my house from 7pm to 7am.  I am a prisoner.  I can't leave because when Jane wakes up (she often wakes several times in the first few hours) she will only accept me to get her back to sleep.  She screams bloody murder if my husband tries to go in and soothe her.  I can't go on a walk.  I can't go out for a late dinner with a friend.  I can't clean the house (too noisy).  I am stuck. 

So, I am jealous.  I am sleep-deprived.  I am wondering if the reason Jane sleeps so poorly is my fault.  I am feeling inadequate as a parent.  I am just fed up.  And I hate second guessing my instinct.  I hate second guessing my parenting style.  I hate that other people do have children who sleep.  Yes, misery really does love company.   

And what I really hate more than anything is the judgment.  So save it.  (not you, the reader, specifically...just the "world").  Yes, yes, I know this is what I get since I refuse to CIO.  Yes, yes,  I know that within a few nights she would be much better.  Sure. 

P.S. I don't want any CIO advice. I don't want any "modified" CIO advice. I don't even want any sleep "advice" at all. (Because I have heard it all.)  I just want to VENT. 

Disclaimer: If someone happens to come by this blog and assumes I am judging them for letting THEIR baby CIO, think again.  More power to ya!  I am not judging the whole CIO method or anyone who uses it.  I am just saying it is not right for ME.  If it's right for you, write about it in your own blog.

Gosh, I sound mean.  It's the sleep deprivation talking.

Haiti Relief Fund

Please donate.  The stories coming out of Haiti are breaking my heart.  I was caught off guard by a story on the Today Show this morning and have been weeping ever since.  They showed a little Haitian girl who had lost her mother. Every time she saw a woman she would cry and reach out to them out of confusion and loss. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg and that there are so many more stories like this.   I can't bear to watch the coverage anymore.  It's devastating.

I know we all feel so helpless but you can donate your money.  Nearly everyone in America has $10 to spare.  Imagine if your child were left alone to fend for themselves in a country as poor as Haiti.  Many people have not had food or clean water to drink since the earthquake first hit.  Donate NOW!

American Red Cross

MLK Day and can't think of a better title than that

So, I am working on MLK Day.  No one else is in the office.  It's kind of nice.  I have an hour to go and I have already completed everything I can do today.  So I guess it's on to writing a new blog. 

Hm, a second ago I had a topic but now I forgot.  Foggy brain.

Today was week 4 of my mass dose of Vitamin D.  I hope it's helping.  I really can't tell if it is or not.  I guess maybe I do feel better.  My muscles aren't hurting and spasm-ing at night anymore.  I do still have the crazy hip pain but the chiropractor is a miracle worker and I swear I am almost convinced that he has cured me.  Or that I am well on my way to being "cured"...again.  There were a few months in late summer where I was completely pain free.  It was after I had seen this chiropractor and also coincided with the months that I got the most sunlight so I really don't know if it was due to the chiropractor or getting more Vitamin D.  I guess I won't know this time either.

Yesterday my mother-in-law was supposed to come visit us and stay a week or so.  She is a classic agoraphobic.  Bailed on us.  AGAIN.  I am pretty angry.  My husband traveled all the way to Nashville and had planned on picking her up the next day on his way back.  He was sure she was coming or else he wouldn't have made this trip down there.  She sent him a text message in the morning saying she couldn't come.  Classic MIL behavior.  She is such a flake.  You can't count on her for anything.  It's infuriating.  She has done this to us countless times.  And her reasons are always lies.  Obvious lies.  What bothers me is that it just broke my husband's heart.  She hasn't seen Jane since she was born (unless you count the 10 minutes she saw her around Christmas).  My husband wants to share Jane with his mom.  He wants her to see our sweet baby girl.  But she just keeps postponing her visit to see us.  Oh well.  It really is her loss.  Jane will not know her paternal grandmother.  I certainly won't be talking about her much and Jane won't see her ever, apparently.  It's just sad that my husband doesn't get to share his joy at having Jane in our life with his own mother.  She has disappointed him pretty much his whole life.  Don't know why it would change now....

Tomorrow I am getting my Mirena IUD removed and I couldn't be happier.  I had that damn thing put in on 9/28/09 and I haven't stopped bleeding since.  Not just spotting here or there.  I am talking full blown Day 2 of Your Period Bleeding.  I am so through with it.  It is no wonder that it is a good birth control method.  If you are bleeding heavily for months you don't feel up to having sex very often.  No sex = no babies.  Now my future birth control method will be condoms, a little bit of NFP and luck.  If I get pregnant again it won't be a disaster.  I am just sick of taking pills or putting foreign objects in my body for birth control.  I want to be as nature intended for a while.  See how my body likes that.  Hell, I may actually start feeling better if I stop bleeding out continuously. 

OK.  It's 4:00.  I am supposed to stay another 30 minutes but I can't take it anymore.  It's creepy being in this building all alone.  I am out of here. 

I Don't Feel Good

The title of this blog entry reminds me of second grade.  My mom stuck a note in my lunch box.  I don't remember exactly what it said, but I am sure it was something like "have a good day, Love, Mommy".  I remember writing on the back of that note, "I don't feel good".  I guess that was my 1987 version of instant messaging and I thought she would somehow intuitively and immediately know what I had written her back.  I still have that little note in my keepsakes box. 

I don't feel good seems to be a recurring theme in my life.  I've always had such bad anxiety and I bet it's to blame for a lot of my "I don't feel good" days. 

But, I feel rotten once again.  I guess some of it is to blame on that Vitamin D deficiency.  And then I found out I was also deficient in Vitamin B-12, although not as severely as the D, so that can't help either.  I'm sure I am probably deficient in all minerals and vitamins and I really don't understand WHY.  I know it seems unlikely, but I do eat a varied diet full of whole grains, fruits, veggies, dairy, meat, etc.  I don't get it. 

Today I can barely walk.  My hips and lower back feel like they belong to an 85-year old woman.  I feel shaky and sometimes think when I stand up I am just going to fall right back down. 

I am DETERMINED not to go crazy about this.  I have had (irrational) scares in the past and know that if I really wanted to I could get totally freaked out about Multiple Sclerosis.  But I will NOT go there.  I'm going to the chiropractor instead and just assuming that I am a bit out of whack and that is why my muscles around my hips and back ache.  I will assume that I am shaky because I only got 3 hours of sleep last night (thanks Jane).  I absolutely refuse to Google my symptoms. 

That is a big victory, trust me.

I Take That Back aka My Stance on Motherhood

In a prior blog entry of mine I wrote the following:

Am I gonna be one of those annoying soccer moms? Is my personality going to change when my child is born? I sure hope not. Because to me, there is nothing more annoying than those mothers who think that they are something special simply because they've given birth. They think their children are somehow special and better than the rest, when really they are just like every other little brat on the face of the planet. Uh oh...I am not sure that I really like kids. Or their self-righteous parents. Surely I will love my child, but I sure hope I don't forget to talk about other issues I am passionate about. I hope I will still have opinions on things other than the Disney Channel and the local school system.

And just the other day I said to my mom as we were taking Jane on a little trip to the grocery store:

Mothers with children who can't walk yet should be allowed to park in the handicapped spots.  (In my defense it was super snowy and slippery in that parking lot.)

HA HA HA HA HA.  Yeah, I've changed.  Yes, I'm special because I had a baby.  Yes, Jane is "better than the rest".  And now I even see other people's children and feel affection for them.  I feel love for all children and I even said that aloud the other day as my eyes teared up (what???). 

 
Now I will insert an excerpt from The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, which my mother sent to me and really resonated with me simply because, OMG it's so true:

“Motherhood changes you forever,” my mother warned me. She was right. Long after my pregnancy, I’m still living and breathing for two – glued to my child, body and soul, by an attachment stronger than I ever thought possible. Motherhood changes you because it literally alters a woman’s brain – structurally, functionally, and in many ways, irreversibly.

I'm a Vampire

So I haven't been feeling the best lately.  In fact, since Jane was born my body seems to be slowly falling apart.  I went to the doctor recently and they did some bloodwork.  Apparently my vitamin D levels are that of a 98 year-old Muslim woman who covers her body in fabric from head-to-toe and never leaves the house to venture in the sun.  5.7.  That is my Vitamin D level.  Low normal is 32.  My doctor said it was the lowest he's ever seen; that he's seen some numbers in the teens but never FIVE POINT SEVEN (*I am aware I probably misused the semicolon in prior sentence...I never can tell when it's called for).  Nice.  This explains why I can hardly walk.  It explains why my muscles ache and my bones and tendons creak.  It explains why my blood pressure has been going up and my legs cramp up every night ALL night.  It explains why I feel so completely drained and why I have been getting weird tension headaches nightly for the past 8ish months and why I can't remember to close my car door upon leaving the vehicle. 

At least I know.  Now my hypochondria and Dr. Google has left me petrified that I am going to die of cancer, MS, and osteoporosis and that I have done irreparable damage to myself and will never fully recuperate.  Supposedly I can correct this deficiency with massive doses of Vitamin D.  I hope this is true.  It may take me all year to get back to "low normal" though.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm looking forward to being in pain all winter long.  Most definitely.

And let me say this: I think this is a failure on the part of my ob-gyn.  Pregnancy depletes you of vitamins and minerals.  It takes a lot to grow another person.  Breastfeeding depletes you even more.  Now WHY didn't someone tell me I should be taking waaaaaay more Vitamin D than my silly pre-natal vitamin has in it?!  WHY didn't anyone think to check my levels until now?  I've been in misery all year long.  I've been to the chiropractor many times thinking that the cause of this pain was because my right leg is shorter than my left.  Gee, thanks a lot medical community!  Once again, you've outdone yourself. 

***EDITED TO ADD:  Although, yes, I am a vampire, I do not know Edward Cullen or any members of the Cullen family.  Sorry.