Hi, I'm Jealous

Before I had Jane I knew one of the biggest adjustments I would have to make upon entering parenthood was the loss of sleep.  I had a hunch I would get one of those babies who wasn't "good" and didn't ever sleep through the night.  Perhaps this was a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Meet Jane.

Isn't she precious?  She is my LIFE.  I adore her.  However, Jane does not like to sleep.  Her mother prizes sleep as one of her most precious pasttimes.  PASTtime sure is spot-on. 

Sigh....

We took Jane to her nine-month well check and everything was great.  She's healthy as can be.  Never been sick a day in her life.  Growing according to plan.  So, I should not have mentioned the fact that Jane is an awful sleeper because that meant the doctor had to ask WHERE she slept.   Um...with me, I timidly respond, knowing his response would not be what I wanted to hear.  Of course he says she NEEDS to sleep alone and even WANTS to sleep alone, uninterrupted for 12 hours in a row (ha ha ha, 12 hours in a row, good one).  He then proceeds to tell me that it won't hurt her to cry-it-out alone in her crib.  That it is OK for her to cry for 2 hours and to throw up during the meltdown.  It won't permanently damage her.  It's better to do it now than later, when she is older.  He says when she is older it will be worse.*  (*I call bullshit, but whatever...)

I took it with a grain of salt.  But after a day or so, I got to thinking that maybe we'd try the crib again.  She's been going through another rough phase (as if the one before had ended) and several times when I do get into bed with her at night it seems to wake her up and she gets excited when she realizes I am there and wants to stay up.  So I thought that maybe it really would be best for her (and me) to sleep in separate beds. 

I know I don't know what I am doing with the cry-it-out technique and I don't plan on becoming a pro at it.  But Day 1 proceeds with me trying to put her in her crib once she's asleep just for her to get used to sleeping there.  Well, I quickly found out that wasn't going to happen.  She somehow senses that I am dropping her in the crib and wakes up crying immediately, even when I thought she was asleep.  I tried to get her in that crib 5 times and the last time I just left her to cry.  I knew she was sleepy because she was SLEEPING just seconds before.  So I thought, hey I am just going to let her cry.  I left her in there for 30 minutes.  She screamed and cried the entire time before I gave up.  I felt awful.  It's a sickening feeling deep in my soul, twisting my stomach in knots.  I felt like I was abusing her...I don't CARE that the doctor says it won't hurt her in the long-run because, to me, I am feeling quite the opposite.  If my "mommy instincts" are screaming at me so loud when this happens, I'm going to blindly assume what I am doing is wrong.  When I went in to go pick her up she was so relieved.  She had chewed the crib and pieces of wood were all over her face (despite our recently purchased bite guards...you can't cover the entire crib in plastic).  The poor child.  What kind of horrible parent am I? 

So there is the end of my cry-it-out attempt at 9 months.  I won't do it.  I can't do it.  I don't even care if you told me that in 1 week she would be sleeping great.  The cost of that great sleep is too much for me.  It is too much for Jane.  I refuse. 

Now I am left with co-sleeping.  I do like it.  And I do hate it.  Lately she will go to bed around 8.  She's up again at 10 when I come to bed and often won't fall back to sleep for up to an hour and a half.  Then we sleep for a few hours and she's up again.  Last night she slept til 3 which is quite good for her.  But then I couldn't get her back to sleep until 4:30.  She was up for the day at 7am.  I don't know how she does it.  She acts as though she's the happiest child in the world during the day.  Doesn't seem to be suffering from any ill effects if you ask me.  She's crawling, babbling, cruising and doing all of the things babies her age should be.  Shame on that doctor for making me think I am doing her a disservice by sleeping with her.  If only he knew the damage he did to my parenting ego.

And the title of my blog entry comes into play now when I say that I am INSANELY JEALOUS of people who have babies who sleep well.  I have many friends on Facebook who have children the same age as I and their status updates at 8 and 9pm drive me nuts.  People actually get to DO things at night when their child sleeps.  I don't.  I am trapped in my house from 7pm to 7am.  I am a prisoner.  I can't leave because when Jane wakes up (she often wakes several times in the first few hours) she will only accept me to get her back to sleep.  She screams bloody murder if my husband tries to go in and soothe her.  I can't go on a walk.  I can't go out for a late dinner with a friend.  I can't clean the house (too noisy).  I am stuck. 

So, I am jealous.  I am sleep-deprived.  I am wondering if the reason Jane sleeps so poorly is my fault.  I am feeling inadequate as a parent.  I am just fed up.  And I hate second guessing my instinct.  I hate second guessing my parenting style.  I hate that other people do have children who sleep.  Yes, misery really does love company.   

And what I really hate more than anything is the judgment.  So save it.  (not you, the reader, specifically...just the "world").  Yes, yes, I know this is what I get since I refuse to CIO.  Yes, yes,  I know that within a few nights she would be much better.  Sure. 

P.S. I don't want any CIO advice. I don't want any "modified" CIO advice. I don't even want any sleep "advice" at all. (Because I have heard it all.)  I just want to VENT. 

Disclaimer: If someone happens to come by this blog and assumes I am judging them for letting THEIR baby CIO, think again.  More power to ya!  I am not judging the whole CIO method or anyone who uses it.  I am just saying it is not right for ME.  If it's right for you, write about it in your own blog.

Gosh, I sound mean.  It's the sleep deprivation talking.