It's a WHAT?!

My instincts were dead wrong. I am having a baby GIRL!!! Clear as day, she has a labia. No baby penises for me, which is just as well because quite frankly, they kind of freak me out.

;)

So for now, we have a baby Jane, although name isn't set in stone. I am really excited and still kind of stunned.

I am just grateful that she is measuring right on target and looks like a healthy baby should at this point. She weighs 15 ounces. We got to see her yawn on the ultrasound, although I wouldn't have recognized it as that had the u/s tech not told us. We didn't get any good ultrasound pics because her little butt was right up behind my belly button and she wouldn't flip right. But she sure is moving around right now.

I am very grateful to be experiencing this. I love being pregnant.

The BIG day

So I was supposed to get my big ultrasound on Tuesday, the 16th. It didn't happen. We happened to get a snow/ice storm the night before and my ob-gyn's office was closed on Tuesday. CLOSED. I was absolutely heartbroken/depressed/crushed all day on Tuesday. I cried the whole day. I had so been looking forward to that day and counting down to it. Nothing could console me.

Luckily, they rescheduled me for today at 2:30. So that leaves me roughly 2.5 hours until I get to finally find out what kind of baby I am having. I am so nervous. My main concern now is that they are going to tell me that the baby isn't healthy or isn't measuring according to where it should be around this time. My second concern is that this baby is going to keep its legs crossed the whole time and we won't be able to get the "money shot".

But oh I can't believe that in just a short time from now I might know what I am having. That will make this so much more real to me. I will finally be able to start calling the baby she/he and even give them a name! I will know if baby is growing according to plan and I will finally be able to start shopping for baby stuff. I might even relax for a week or so and stop worrying about every little twinge I get.

This is so exciting and yet terrifying at the same time!!! I can't wait. I just cannot WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!

The Coolest Thing EVER!

I think I have been feeling the baby move for the past 3 days or so. I had been feeling the occasional tap-tap here and there for a few weeks, but it was very sporadic and intermintent. But since I hit the 16-week mark I have been feeling these definite little taps/flutters/rumbles/tickles. I am 95% sure that this is the baby. It usually occurs around the same time each day. Mid-morning around 9-10 and I usually feel it if I am sitting down and kind of leaning forward. It's as if baby is getting kind of squished in that position and s/he is trying to let me know.

If this is the baby moving, then it is the coolest thing I have ever experienced. It makes me smile just to think about it.

I sent my rented Doppler back about 2 weeks ago but couldn't stand not being able to hear the heartbeat. So, I rented another one (it's only $24 a month!) and got it today. Sure enough, the heart is beating away and now you can even hear the different chambers beating. Also, the baby was definitely moving. It sounds like a little blip on the Doppler when that happens. So I know for a fact that baby is alive and moving. That peace of mind means a lot.

I am so excited!! I can't wait for the kicks and punches to get stronger and I can't wait for my husband to be able to feel it.

In other baby news, we find out baby's sex on December 16. It seems like a lifetime away. I really want to know NOW. My instinct is telling me boy. Probably because that ultrasound tech already said it was a boy (ugh, I wish she would have kept her mouth shut on that speculation since it was way too early to tell!). But I also have other reasons to think it's a boy. Stupid reasons not based in science.

#1: I didn't have bad morning sickness. The old wive's tale is that the worse the m/s, the more likely it is to be a girl (proven wrong to me by countless women before, but....)
#2: This baby is already moving quite a bit. One person just recently told me that she was able to feel her first moving quite early in the pregnancy too. He was a boy. (But come to think of it, my mom thought my sister Kelly was a boy for the same reason.)
#3: Whenever I hear the heartbeat via Doppler I always say to myself, "he's still in there."

So, yes, my reasons are dumb and I am aware of that. But I am a little bit afraid that I will be DISAPPOINTED if it turns out to be a girl. I need to prepare myself for girl, but I really don't know how to do that.

If you saw the look on my husband's face when I told him the ultrasound tech thought it was a boy at 12 weeks, you would understand why I am hoping for a boy. (Not that he wouldn't love and be excited about a girl too, but...)

Obama is our next President!

I'm not going to write anything hugely profound here. I just want to say that I am extremely happy that Obama won the election. I think it is a great thing that my first born child is going to be born into an Obama Presidency. Although McCain won by a landslide in my state, I am terribly happy that the other states were able to carry us to victory.

Hooray!!!!!!!

-from a liberal white girl living in rural Kentucky and often quite out of her element 'round these parts ;)

Oh man, I rock!

I am getting a thimerosal-free flu shot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO RELIEVED. The pediatrician's office will let me get one of theirs. Oh man oh man oh man...

I am ELATED!

How funny. I spent the ENTIRE day yesterday stressing out over this. And I mean major stress. I researched on the internet all day. I dreamt about flu shots. I cried about it. I couldn't talk about anything other than this to anyone who crossed my path.

And it ended up working out. (Thanks to my hard work and a lengthy search.)

Same thing for child care. My mother is going to watch the baby until s/he is 8 months old. This means we have until next December to find a permanent babysitter/day care. I feel so much better about leaving my infant child with my own MOTHER than a total stranger. And maybe by the time the baby is 8 months old I will feel OK about moving them to the whole day care thing. Plus, that gives us more time to find someone we are comfortable with AND it means that the original babysitter we wanted may end up working out afterall. (As a sidenote, I did not pressure my mother into this. She is insisting that she wants to watch the baby. And I am insisting that I pay her. I am not a spoiled brat--well, I probably am, but I try not to be. I know I am incredibly lucky to have this opportunity for my child. I cannot pass it up.)

So, the lesson that I should learn from these two "stories" is that it will work out and I don't need to get all freaked out from the get-go. I should have more faith in myself and my ability to get things done. It does take work, but I can do it one phone call at a time. ;) How cheesy is THAT?!

I'm sorry. I'm just so damn excited about that flu shot. ;)

The Next Dilemma

The flu shot. Highly recommended for pregnant women. Impossible to find thimerosal-free.

Thimerosal is mercury. It's that preservative they've been adding to vaccines for a long time. It's also controversial. You know...thanks to Jenny McCarthy, this has been put into the lime light in recent years. Autism is on the rise and a lot of parents blame their children's vaccines as pushing them over the edge into Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). It makes sense. But there have simply been no studies that show a link to ASD and vaccinations. It's all just speculation at this point. Kind of a mass hysteria if you ask me. The CDC will tell you that their studies do not link the two and the parents will tell you the CDC is only protecting their own interests.

And as a parent to be, it's kind of hard to know who or what to believe. I tend to lean towards the CDC. I like to think I am an optimist about our government and our country. I in no way believe that there is a mass conspiracy going on about these vaccinations (the government couldn't pull that off even if they were that evil). I truly believe that the doctors and scientists of our country are honestly looking for a specific link to autism. And I believe that they have not found the smoking gun. That's kind of scary.

So what do I do? Do I get the recommended flu shot? I want to. I feel like it is the responsible thing to do. If I do get the flu this season I will probably be in my third trimester. And pregnant women get more complications from the flu. If I get the flu, I could DEFINITELY be putting my child at risk. In fact, I just read that flu exposure in pregnant women is being studied as a link to autism! WTF?! So much conflicting evidence out there...

So here is what I know. If I do not get the flu shot I have a better chance of getting the flu. If I do get the flu, there is proof that it could really cause me some serious problems and possibly even harm the baby. If I do get the flu shot, I could still get the flu, although my chances are obviously lower. I would be exposing my baby to thimerosal, which some people say can be a link to autism. Some people say = they really don't know.

I am opting for the shot. My doctor recommends it. A lot of ob-gyn's require it. But to clear my conscience, I have searched high and low for a thimerosal-free shot. They do make them, but they are impossible to find. In fact, 7 states have imposed legislation that requires pregnant women to be vaccinated with the mercury-free version (not mine, of course). So they are out there. But nowhere near me. I have called TN, IL, IN, and all around KY. My own physican will not order me a thimerosal-free shot. Said they are too expensive (yeah $4 more per shot...oooh!!!).

I have one last call out to a pediatrician's office. They have the shots!! BUT, they will only give them to children 3 and under. I left a message with their office manager asking if they would be willing to give a pregnant woman one of these shots. Technically, my baby is 3 and under. Just not officially HERE yet....We'll see what they say. I doubt they will let me. They will probably recommend I talk to my regular physician about it. Gee, thanks. Already done that.

I am making parental decisions before I even know what the sex of my child is and I am finding that they are very hard. Child care and vaccinations are both really scary things to me. I just don't want to make the wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my life.

The problem is, you don't know if you are making the right decision and you never will. Even if my child ends up with autism, I have no proof that the flu shot I got while pregnant was the cause. No proof at all. I hate going on "faith". I want science. Guess that means I will be going with the CDC and getting my recommended flu shot this year, just as I always do.

I am just SICK over child care

I knew the sitter was too good to be true. I knew something had to give. Well, it did. I called her today and she said that she was probably getting a baby in June and therefore wouldn't be able to help us out.

This sitter sounded like a DREAM. One of my friends recommended her to me. She cares for children in her home. 5-7 kids at a time and only one baby at a time. She would charge only $75-85 per week. And when I asked my friend if she could think of any complaints about this sitter, she sat there for a second and finally said, "No, I pretty much think she's perfect. I just wish she lived in my neighborhood." So I was pretty much stoked that I was gonna get such a good sitter who was trustworthy and HIGHLY recommended to watch my infant four days a week. Every question and concern I had about her my friend would quickly dispel with encouraging facts about the way she worked. I was so relieved about it all, since day care was one of my biggest concerns as a mother-to-be. It all seemed too good to be true. And I guess it was.

Now I am looking at day care facilities. Day Care Centers are awful. The best you can expect around here is six babies to one caregiver. And this one caregiver is someone you won't know anything about. I don't understand how one person can care for six crying babies at once and give them the personal attention they need. Jon and Kate couldn't even do that with their own six babies. They always had outside help...plus each other. I'm in extreme distress over this. My child is going to be put into a baby factory. Not only is my 8 week old child going to a place like this (pictured above is one of the best places in my town), but I am going to have to pay MORE. $60-80 a week more, in fact. PLUS, I have to fill out applications, pay an application fee and get on a WAITING list.

My sister worked at a day care facility not too long ago. She said that the baby room was very depressing. Babies were crying and the caregivers picked their favorites. They would just let the babies cry forever. She tells me that she would NEVER send her child to a place like this. And the same friend who recommended the sitter said that she has talked to people who have worked in day care facilities too. She said that they would often put babies in closets and close the doors because they wouldn't stop crying. Yet, this is my only choice. What else can I do? I can't quit my job. Jeremy and I depend on both of our incomes to pay our bills. Our house payment is just as low as rent would be too, so it's not like we could just downsize.

I don't guess our baby will have a very good start to his or her life. I'm already a horrible parent.

The Perfect Life

I won't go into details, but a couple of my friends have been having some REAL problems in their lives lately. Not petty little "I can't afford a new TV" problems and "I hate my hair and my clothes" problems. But big stuff that is complicated and hard to solve. Stuff that makes me uncomfortable and at a loss for words and advice on what they should do.

This has sort of opened my eyes a little bit. I have the PERFECT life. I have NO problems. Simple as that. I am very grateful.

But I am not chalking my wonderful life up to complete luck (although I know some is involved). I have made the proper choices in my life that has led to me being in the situation I am in now. I am giving myself credit for my great life. I know I will not always be in such a blissful situation and that bad things will happen. But I also know that what does happen to me isn't going to be as crazy as some of the stuff that my friends are going through right now. Making the right decisions makes a big difference in your life and your level of happiness. So major kudos to me for being so smart. I thank myself.

What is the etiquette here?

I am SO stressed out today.

About four months ago we signed an agreement with a local company (whose name I will not mention...yet) to install new windows in our home. This is costing us $4,000. This company told us it would take about 3 weeks before they got to our job. Yeah...this was four months ago. So today they decide they are going to install our windows. Called me yesterday to say that they would be at our house between 8:30 and 9:00. This morning at 8:15 I get a call from the company owner saying that one of his guys didn't show up. Now they want to store the windows in our garage and will only get to maybe 3 of them today. My husband waited for them at the house. The men who showed up are complete rednecks. Tattoos on their necks, all of them smoking, none of them will really look you in the eye when you speak to them.

And now these men are in my home. UNaccompanied. I am so nervous about this. It is making me sick. #1, they better not smoke in my house. #2, they better not leave cigarette butts in my yard. #3, what if they go through our stuff? What if they go through my files and get all of my personal information? I just do not trust them.

This is a reputable company that has been in our town for quite some time. But ugh...how am I supposed to trust these men? I mean, come on....NECK tattoos!!!!!!

I hate contractors. They are liars. They will say anything just to appease you in the moment and then turn around and do exactly the opposite of what they said. I don't know how to deal with this situation. I am not one to call and get all rude with them because they have the upper hand right now. They are in my home. I just do not like this at all. I really don't know what to do.

And just now I posted the same question on my ivillage message boards and the first response I got was one saying that they would NOT allow anyone unaccompanied in their house. This makes me feel even worse. I don't know what to do. I can't leave work and neither can my husband. I'm just stuck.

*************
Update: Wow...I think I kind of freaked out earlier. I don't know what came over me but I was just so stressed out over that. The solution was easy. I called the company's owner and talked to her about my concerns. She made me feel so much better. Said people will leave their keys with them all the time and even go on vacation while they are working. I know she HAD to say that, but she was definitely reassuring. She said that they wouldn't hire anybody if it was a concern.

I seriously think I freaked out due to hormones. I don't normally get like THAT. I mean, obviously I worry a lot, but that was an extreme case of weird-ness for me. Phew...I'm blaming the baby on that outburst.

Must Be the Pregnancy Hormones

I say it a lot. I love my husband. He's the best. But I feel like I need to say it again today. I am so lucky to have him in my life. I didn't do anything to deserve a good marriage/husband. It's just dumb luck. I don't necessarily think I am a desirable mate. It's not like I have many really great qualities. I'm sometimes selfish, I am clingy, jealous, and I can be quite mean when I put my mind to it. But yet here I am, married to the perfect person for me. Not that we don't ever have our problems. Of course there have been some slumps. But I just want the universe to know that I am grateful. I want my husband to know that I am aware of the inequities in our marriage. I feel like I don't deserve him. He's too good for me. But I will take him and keep him and appreciate every moment I have with him.

I say this because I am currently in a state of panic over him leaving me for just one night. I don't know WHY I don't want him to visit his friends in Nashville. And it seems very petty and selfish of me to even tell him that I don't want him to go. Yet, I can't help it. I obviously am a chronic worrier and with me being pregnant, my fear of him dying or getting injured has increased tenfold. I don't want him to leave my sight. I'm scared. I feel very vulnerable. I know it may not be rational, but it's the way I feel.

I have no insightful closing. I am just feeling very lucky and very worried at the same time today and had to get it on paper.

Elation

I've had a lot happen in the last several days. I am finally GIDDY about being pregnant.

Early Wednesday morning woke up to cramping, diarrhea and some SPOTTING. Needless to say, I completely panicked. I woke DH and he immediately agreed we'd go to the ER. So we did. I got there at the perfect time...5:30 a.m. Got right in and hardly had to wait at all. The internal exam showed no visible bleeding and a closed cervix, which was a good sign. But the best part of the visit was that they got me in for an ultrasound. WE SAW THE BABY he was measuring at 12 weeks with a heartbeat of 162. I say "he" because the ultrasound tech clearly saw a great picture where the baby's legs were spread wide open and there was definitely a little "thing" between his legs. It was amazing to see the baby moving around. I cried.

So I went to see my ob-gyn yesterday and he confirmed that everything looked great. Apparently, diarrhea can cause UTERINE contractions and I had an irritated cervix so that may be the explanation for the spotting. I haven't had any since, so that's a good thing. My doctor is amazing. He took the time to answer all of my questions (I had a list) and he tried to hear the heartbeat via Doppler. He couldn't find it, so I got another ultrasound. Baby was still there kicking and squirming away. So neat and so cute. I even got a picture this time. :)

Doctor did say that it is definitely way too early to call it a boy. So I have to erase the thought of a boy in my mind. I don't want to get attached to one sex too early.

Later that night I used my own rented doppler to search for the heartbeat and guess what? FOUND IT! I had a feeling I could.

Everything is great. I am happy is an understatement. I am starting to relax a little bit. I am starting to bond with baby. I love being pregnant!! Even though I am sick and tired, I am just elated to be where I am right now. I love maternity clothes, I love that I'm getting a thicker waistline, I love it all.

Baby stuff

I bought my first maternity clothes over the weekend. I don't necessarily NEED them just yet, but considering that my fall clothes from last year are too small (yeah, they would be too small even if I had never gotten pregnant) I figured I might as well. I have 10 days to return the items, so if there is no heartbeat on Thursday and I find out the worst has happened, at least I will still have time to return these clothes. I bought the stuff from Motherhood Maternity. I am a bit surprised at how little time they give you to return the items. But their clothes are awesome. I mean, even if I wasn't pregnant some of the tops I got are just so cute. The "maternity look" is in anyway right now. Now I can finally participate. When I wasn't pregnant I just looked ridiculous in them. Now I feel all neat wearing maternity clothes. There is a certain freedom in wearing this stuff. You are allowed to be your own shape and that's nice.

So, in other news, I have my next prenatal appointment this Thursday morning. I am really nervous about it. They are going to try and hear the heartbeat with a fetal doppler. I rented one and have tried three times to hear the heartbeat on my own. Failed each time. That's a little disconcerting. But not entirely since I have read that this early on it is not necessarily a sure bet that you will hear it. My uterus is tipped and I do have a little extra padding, so I am hoping this is the reason for no heartbeat.

In my heart I feel like everything with the pregnancy is fine. This kind of scares me because if I find out it isn't, then I will be all the more devastated. We'll see...all I can do is wait.

I'm still feeling pretty icky. Most of the time I feel OK but I'm finding that I am always hungry yet never wanting to eat anything. Food doesn't taste good at all. I get headaches, heartburn, indigestion and fatigue. Ah the joys. I seriously wouldn't trade it. I love every second of each symptom I have. I've gotten lucky with the nausea/vomitting. Hardly any nausea at all and zero vomitting. So even though I really wanted morning sickness, it's a good thing I didn't get it and still have a hopefully healthy pregnancy.

And lastly, let me just say that my husband is a saint. I seriously don't know how I would make it without him. He has made a big breakfast for me (us) the last two Sundays and he has been cleaning the house too. He's just wonderful. Without him I'd be in big trouble.

tick tock tick tock tick tock.....

I can't sleep at night. Yeah, my bizarre nap schedule has something to do with that, but mainly it is my brain. For some reason I get most of my worrying done right when I am supposed to be falling asleep. So, what's on my mind these days? A lot of it is petty, but still...this stuff bothers me and seems quite insurmountable at 1:00a.m.:

• Baby's heartbeat: I rented a doppler and used it for the first time last night. I don't think we found the heartbeat, which is disappointing. I don't have a sinking feeling though. I still think I've got a live little being with a heartbeat inside of me. I just want to hear it. I will try again tonight, but I thought about my doppler techniques and ways to improve them all night long.
• DAYCARE: Ugh. Andi's sitter will likely have an opening next August, which is just perfect!! It really is. But...I am gonna really have a hard time sending my itty bitty baby to day care and go back to work full time. And I do have questions about this sitter. I am sure she's good, but I just don't see how one person can care for 6-7 children at once when this includes 1-2 infants. And I don't even know how to interview a potential sitter/day care facility. I am in over my head here.
• Am I gonna be one of those annoying soccer moms? Is my personality going to change when my child is born? I sure hope not. Because to me, there is nothing more annoying than those mothers who think that they are something special simply because they've given birth. They think their children are somehow special and better than the rest, when really they are just like every other little brat on the face of the planet. Uh oh...I am not sure that I really like kids. Or their self-righteous parents. Surely I will love my child, but I sure hope I don't forget to talk about other issues I am passionate about. I hope I will still have opinions on things other than the Disney Channel and the local school system.
• We have a lot of CRAP in our house that we need to get rid of. Do I give it away or try to sell it? Jeremy's gonna be pissed when he hears that I want to get rid of that big boxy I take up way too much room TV in the study. But a lot of our stuff needs to go. Big deal right? Yeah, it is kind of overwhelming at 1:00 a.m. for some reason.
• I am fat. And I am going to get fatter before I get thinner. I know being pregnant is a good excuse, but sheesh...I weigh too much. And I gained 20 pounds while TTC, which was a dumb idea. I am afraid of what people are going to say about me at 8-9 months pregnant. I just don't want people saying, "man she got HUGE" and comparing me to everyone else they knew who got pregnant and stayed pretty thin. I'm betting they will. I am gonna end up the size of a house. I hope this doesn't mean I will get pre-eclampsia or gestational diabetes. But at night I often worry about my weight. I haven't weighed myself on my own to see if I've gained anything since being pregnant. I'm sure I have, although I feel like I'm not eating a lot.
• When is Home Pros gonna install our new windows? Seriously. We signed the contract 3.5 months ago. I know they are behind, but at what point do I start taking up for myself to make sure they aren't just putting us at the bottom of their list since we are so "nice" about it all.
• And once they do install our windows we're gonna have to order new window shades from somebody. Ugh...Lowe's I guess. How much is that gonna cost? Wonder how long we'll go with zero window treatments...
• I don't feel pregnant today. That is scary. What if we didn't find the heartbeat last night because there isn't one? What if the baby has died? What if the baby is alive but it's going to have some major birth defect? Then what am I supposed to do?!
• What if I die during labor? What if my child dies during labor? I saw "A Baby Story" yesterday on TLC and the epidurals scare me. The entire process scares me.

As I get further and further into my worrying, the worries seem to get more outlandish and more ridiculous. It seems to snowball. In reality, everything is going to work out. It always does. So why can't I let it all go at night? Too bad you can't take Ativan while pregnant...that always helped me let it go.

Who needs a nap?

My daily routine is in severe need of a shake up. I've become a complete loser in my adult life. I am glad I am finally knocked up because goodness only knows that I need something to hold me accountable for these "actions" of mine.

Let's take a closer look:
______________________________
4:30pm - get home, immediately change into more comfortable pajamas, unwind with a little Oprah

5:30pm - greet husband with wholesome hot dinner on the table

5:30 for real - greet husband with complaints of starving to death but too sick/lazy/tired to cook anything and nothing sounds really good anyway

6:00pm - Well, I guess Arby's would be OK. Make husband go get me Arby's or just eat a bowl of cereal instead

6:30pm - Food gone. Uncontrollable urge to nap begins to take over.

7:00pm - Can't fight fatigue anymore. Go to lie down in bed for just 30 minutes

8:00pm - Husband tries to wake me up. I tell him to go away. Come back in 30 minutes.

8:30pm - Husband tells me it's 8:30, I better get up.

9:00pm - Wake up and yell at husband for not making me get up. Watch TV until the post-nap coma wears off

10:00pm - realize I'm still watching TV and probably won't get much accomplished this evening anyway

11:00pm - make my way back to the bedroom

11:30pm - turn out the lights

11:30-2:00am - toss and turn because I can't sleep for some inexplicable reason

8:11am - hit snooze button for the 5th time and realize that I am late for work, as usual
__________________________________

So there you have it. Upon further reflection, perhaps my evening nap is a bit ill-advised. I just don't know how to get past that hump. If I don't take a nap, I am useless because I am so tired. Now I know some of you may say that I should just suck it up for ONE day and forego my nap to get myself back on a "normal" schedule. The only problem is, I can't even get to sleep at a proper hour on nights I don't take a nap. I am a night owl. (I even have a nightgown with the applique to prove it.)

So what do I do? I guess I should live up my napping days while I still can. I mean, supposedly once a baby comes this napping when I want to is out the window. (I'm still hoping my child will excel at napping as well as I do.) Well, I guess I know what I SHOULD do. Go on a walk or do yoga when I find that horrid fatigue creeping in. But man...where's the fun in that? I'm not very good at yoga anyway. I like to do things I excel at and napping is my specialty. What can I say, it's my gift.

So this is my struggle. My cross to bear. But somehow I carry on one day at a time. Just as long as I get that nap, everything will be OK.

Ooh, I might have a baby!!!

I can feel the beginnings of a "baby bump" (yeah I hate that phrase). Isn't that cool? You can't tell, but I can. If I were about 30 pounds lighter it would be more pronounced. But oh how neat. My tummy is starting to get that little curve. Wow. Assuming that everything is still going fine in there, this is super neat news. Just really cool. Something I've never experienced before and I was always curious as to how the whole baby belly thing would work.

Saw a heartbeat and still in disbelief

I can't really write much these days. I'm tired and I am sick (not your typical morning sickness, just a low grade icky-ness) and I am still worried a lot (surprise!).

But, we saw the heartbeat on Wednesday. DH went with me and we both got to see the little flickering heart. It was pretty neat. It was surreal, actually. Kind of like I was in a dream. I loved my DH's reaction. He said he was surprised that I didn't act more elated, but it's hard to jump up and down for joy when you've got a wand stuck up your nether regions.

But, I am super thrilled. Now I just need to focus on the 95% success rate with pregnancies that have made it to this point. I need to stop reading about girls who saw the heartbeat only to miscarry weeks later. I just need to stay off the internet altogether, I do believe.

I'm actually getting sick of my message boards. I am sick of analyzing everything to death. I am getting on my own nerves.

I am not attached to this baby as a "person" yet. I'm attached to the idea of a person, but this particular baby and I have yet to bond. I mean, I just can't picture me giving birth. I can't even imagine it at all, to be honest. I don't know if that already makes me a bad mother or not, but I don't know how I can feel for something the size of an olive at this point. I am still too on edge. Still too afraid that I won't be a mommy in April/May afterall. Some girls on the message boards said they feel really in tune with their baby to be. I don't understand that at all. Not yet at least. Some have their names picked out and their nurseries ready. What?! That seems a little premature to me. I'm not ready to invest that much. Not yet.

Occasionally I will get so happy and excited and nervous about starting my family, but it is short- lived. I'm protecting myself by not feeling too excited...but not really. It is too far away for me to really focus on it. Sometimes I feel like I am lying to people when I tell them I am pregnant. It seems too good to be true. So, for now I am just sort of stunned. Stunned is a good word for how I am feeling.

I know I should be on cloud nine 24/7. I thought I would be. But...yeah...just stunned. Wonder when it will all feel real.

But, wow. There is a beating heart inside of me besides my own. That is just INSANE. It's just unbelievable. It's just the best thing ever and the scariest thing ever and I just really can't believe it. Honestly. I don't believe it. And even though each day feels like a year, I just may be a mommy to a real live baby due May 1. Two days before I turn 30.

Whoa. Babies and turning thirty. It's too much for me right now.

I'm gonna watch Lost.

Waiting for Wednesday

I've not been doing much of anything these days. I am a bit paralyzed, I suppose. I have a big ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday at 10:10 and I honestly feel as though I can't do anything until that is over.

It's a big one. If there is a heartbeat, then this pregnancy is likely to continue. If we do not have a heartbeat then I am betting a D&C will be scheduled so we can terminate the pregnancy. It's pretty scary. I obviously am hoping with every ounce of energy I have for a heartbeat, but I am trying to prepare myself for the worst.

In all likelihood there will be a heartbeat. In all likelihood, I am going to be having a baby in April/May. These are good thoughts, but I don't want to get too attached to this baby yet.

I'm waiting for Wednesday.

I Don't Feel Good

I am pregnant. I believe it now. Because all weekend I have been sick, sick, sick. Not your stereotypical morning sickness. Just an all day horrible feeling that won't go away.

Yes, this is what I wanted.

Oh happy days!!

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go sit and stare at the walls some more.

I love (and fear for) my country

I did not vote for Bush in 2000. I did not vote for Bush in 2004. And I will not be voting for Bush...er, McCain...in 2008.

I cannot fathom that McCain could possibly win this election. Yet, the polls are shocking me. If McCain wins I am going to go into an even deeper depression than I did when BUSH (oh my HOW did that happen?!) became president...TWICE!!! I may have to move.

Thousands of Americans have died in Iraq. We should never have been in Iraq in the first place. Yes, it is agreed that Sadaam Husein was a bad man. But this war was unnecesary. Now we are stuck there. Great. Now the rest of the world hates us. A lot of our allies are now former allies. I don't like that. I want people to be on our side. It scares me when they aren't. We can't be such egotistic fools to think that we can go it alone. How can that be protecting Americans from terrorism when the rest of the world hates us?!

Since Bush has been in office my health care costs have sky-rocketed. I pay more in taxes now than I ever have. Gas prices are through the roof. The value of my home is pretty much the same as it was when I bought it five years ago. My husband has gotten 1% raises and is lucky to have gotten anything at all. And this is just the stuff that has affected me. I've been pretty lucky, considering. I know the government isn't responsible for everything. But come on. Something needs to change here. We need to try a new tactic.

So why would I vote for more of the same? Why can't we try something new for once? I've heard of a lot of people who are only voting for McCain because he is pro- life. What?! THIS is their deciding issue?! Wow. Just...wow. And his vice-presidential nominee sounds like a complete right-wing conservative and that is simply TERRIFYING to me. Her 17-year old daughter is pregnant. So much for the whole teaching "abstinence" thing. Guess that doesn't always work. Maybe someone should have shown her a condom. Nah, that's just wrong to be condoning sex. Wouldn't want to put the wrong idea in her head.

I've also heard from people who say they just cannot vote for a black man, when they otherwise agree with his policies. This is hilarious. At least they are admitting their racism. Just let me stay away from those people, thank you very much. I mean, come on. I guess you don't believe all men (and women) are created equal. Nice. Just real nice there... Oh and by the way, he's half white. Guess you don't count that when there is a drop of black blood in him. Taints the whole thing, don't it? Sounds to me like we should be voting for Voldemort in 2008. PURE BLOODS ONLY, right?

I hate politics. I hate everything about it. I tried to ignore the democratic convention. I tried to not watch it. But I did. And O'Bama blew me away. He is so intelligent. I am not used to intelligence in office these days. I am used to blubbering idiots who have absolutely NOTHING in common with me. I think the only thing that Bush and I agree on is that...well...I don't know what we may agree on, politically. Oh man. Surely there is SOMETHING?!!!!

I sure hope O'Bama wins. I'm gonna have to go into hiding for a while if he doesn't, because McCain/Palin scares me to death. Sometimes I think I need to move out of Kentucky into a blue state.

There. I said my piece. I just needed to get it out of my system.

Is this for real?

I'm still in a bit of a daze. I still don't FEEL pregnant. I still keep running to the bathroom in a panic thinking there will be blood. And it feels like a year ago when I found out I was pregnant. Nope. Only 1 week and 5 days. WHAT?! Only 1 week and five days?! That doesn't seem right. If I make it out of this pregnancy with a live baby in my arms it will be a true miracle. As of right now it feels as though I will die of a panic attack before I even make it to the first true ultrasound.

Actually, I am not freaking out as much as you might think. I am constantly sorta worried, but being pregnant after a miscarriage kinda does that to you. Today I went to lunch with our auditors from work and, of course, didn't mention anything of my pregnancy. Well, when I got back from lunch I started freaking out because I hadn't been thinking of being pregnant. I feel like if I am not thinking about it 24/7 then it isn't real or it will end.

Not very rational.

But I am having some good "symptoms" I guess. Heartburn, fatigue (this is so normal so I don't know if fatigue really counts), sore breasts, moodiness (aka wanting to slap my husband for no real good reason other than it would feel really good), and some other things I won't mention (you're welcome). Still no real morning sickness, although I feel generally yucky from time to time. Of course, even when I am not pregnant I feel yucky quite a bit. That's part of being a hypochondriac. OMG, pregnant and a hypochondriac. This is gonna be a long 9 months....

And yeah I am rambling, but it is 2 p.m. and I am literally seconds away from falling asleep on my keyboard. I need something to keep me awake and I just can't concentrate on work in this state.

OK. This took 10 minutes. Now what do I do with the next 2 hours and 19 minutes of my day? I am SO taking a nap when I get home from work.

Further Proof

Well, I had my first appointment with my new ob-gyn today. I was so nervous, but he really calmed my fears. He's also pretty good looking, so that doesn't hurt. Lucky for me, I am not one of those girls that gets all freaked out by him being "down there". I've never had any problems with that kind of stuff...heh heh...

So he could obviously tell that I was a complete worry wart and he offered to do an ultra-sound right there on the spot. I was so excited. We saw the gestational sac and the yolk sac (yes, I'm a hen), which is measuring right on target at 5 weeks. I am quite relieved to see that it is not an ectopic pregnancy and that everything is measuring right where it should be.

I go for my first "real" ultrasound on September 10. This is when we will hopefully see a heartbeat. This is the big hurdle for me. I think that if I see a heartbeat I will relax a little bit. Your chances of miscarrying AFTER seeing a heartbeat, are very slim. (Although I know of WAY too many women who this has happened to, and I simply cannot fathom how horrible that would be.)

But he said my progesterone levels were through the roof (good) and that my hCG was doubling and also at a great level (also good). HOWEVER, my numbers were good last time too and look what happened. Gosh, it's hard to ease the fears of someone who has been through a miscarriage. I don't know if it can be done.

So you'd think I'd feel better after a reassuring appointment. Even Dr. Wainwright told me to just relax and enjoy it because everything looks completely healthy. Nope. I'm even more scared now. I just can't be soothed.

But, yeah, I will admit that I am a little bit excited despite myself. And until September 10, I will be a basketcase.

Shock and Awe

I have started this entry and erased it about a dozen times already. So I am just gonna say it. I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am finally pregnant.

Yes, that is right. The one thing that I wanted more than anything in my life has happened again. And to say that I am excited and relieved is an understatement.

I found out last Friday. I was scared to death to take a test because I knew it was going to be negative and I was going to have to go through my weekend miserable and depressed. But some girls on my message boards convinced me to test, as well as my friend at work. So after I returned to work from lunch I told my boss that I was gonna run home and pick up something. Instead, I ran home and peed in a cup. The first test I used was one of those cheap internet test strips. At first only the control line came up and I just felt so defeated and stupid. Duh, of course it was negative. What was I thinking. So I paced the room a bit and came back to make sure. A second line was forming. I could see it. I freaked out. I was talking to myself saying, "that is a line, oh my god, that is a line!!" So for further verification I pulled out the big guns. The digital. I stuck it in my pee cup (lovely) and took the test to the car with me on my way back to work. The last time I took a digital it took a few minutes before it said NOT PREGNANT. Well, by the time I was backing out of the driveway, it said PREGNANT. I was in disbelief.

As soon as I got back to work I showed Andi. I was shaking like a leaf and sweating too. It was amazing. I don't quite know the feeling. It was relief and fear and elation all wrapped into one.

So, here I am one week later and still officially pregnant. I have had my first two blood draws and my hCG numbers are doubling as they should. But now that the shock has kind of worn off, I am starting to get scared to death. I said I wouldn't. I said once I got pregnant I would never worry again. Well, how can I keep that promise?

Now the fear of miscarriage is back and it has hit me hard. I don't exactly feel pregnant. Well, I have a few vague symptoms, but it just doesn't feel REAL. It didn't last time either. Last time I had perfect numbers from the blood work, I had a great exam from my gynecologist and everything was looking great. Nine days later and I was losing the baby. That was hard to take. And now I just cannot move past that fear of it happening again. I know the odds are on my side. (They were last time too.) I know that there is NOTHING I can do to prevent another miscarriage. However, I am too scared to get too happy about this. It's like I have one foot in and one foot out. I am not really ready to commit to this pregnancy. I keep telling myself that I am pregnant but that doesn't necessarily mean I will be having a baby in about 8 months. I want to prepare myself should the worst happen again.

Assuming it doesn't, I will be a mother on April 28, 2009. My mom's due date with ME was April 28. That is pretty cool. In fact, it's too cool for me to comprehend right now.

It's so funny how I go from one post bitching about not being pregnant straight to another post about how I am pregnant but just too scared to be truly happy about it. Wow, I really need to lighten up. It ain't easy, but I'm trying.

Half-Blood Prince

THIS is not good. I am so disappointed. I was so looking forward to seeing the new Harry Potter movie in NOVEMBER. And now they have moved it back to July 2009!!!! This means that the next season of Lost will be over with before I get to see the movie. Argh, that is a lifetime away.

Olympic Mania

I've been watching the Olympics like a crazy person these days. It's been giving me something to do, and it's been really fun to watch the swimming and the gymnastics. Go USA!

There is this one GM commercial that keeps coming on and the song in it is really good. I finally Googled it and found that it was: "The Story" by Brandi Carlile. Well, I just bought the whole freakin' album I love it so much. And it completely rocks...well it "rocks" in the folk-rock kind of way. Nevertheless....who ever said commercials were useless?

Should I have already heard of Brandi Carlile? Because, man...she's good! I'm usually late on this kind of stuff.

So 4 years from now I will probably have forgotten that Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals. I will forget about cheering when the USA team beat France at the very last second in the 4 x 100 meter freestyle relay. I won't remember how Dara Torres (yeah, yeah we know she's 41) just lost the gold by .01 seconds in the 50 free, or how I stayed up way too late watching Nastia Luikin and Shawn Johnson take gold and silver in the individual all-around gymnastics. But I bet I will remember this song. :)

"The Story" by Brandi Carlile

All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I've been

And how I got to where I am

But these stories don't mean anything

When you've got no one to tell them to

It's true... I was made for you

I climbed across the mountain tops

Swam all across the ocean blue

I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules

But baby I broke them all for you

Oh because even when I was flat broke

You made me feel like a million bucks

You do and I was made for you

You see the smile that's on my mouth

It's hiding the words that don't come out

And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed

They don't know my head is a mess

No, they don't know who I really am

And they don't know what I've been through like you do

And I was made for you

I'm Alone!

Well, DH is leaving today. He's spending an extended weekend with friends in Panama City, FL. Yeah, I'm jealous. So what? ;)

I already miss him and I don't want him to go. I know it's good for us, but I've been kinda clingy lately. To paraphrase "New Moon" he is the planet and I am the moon, so when he leaves I will be left rotating an empty space.

OK, I will stop being so dramatic. My husband is definitely no Edward Cullen. ;) heh heh...

It's just that I really miss him when he's not home with me. And I worry about him doing something retarded and getting hurt or something. With the company he's keeping I think I have a little right to be a little uneasy.

Actually, I probably don't. He has the best friends in the world. I've always been a little envious of that.

But regardless, I hope I can stay busy while he's away. And I hope I don't worry too much. I need to learn to stop worrying about things I have no control over. In 29 years, I've made no progress on that.

Back to the Drawing Board

Well, it's official. I am finally back to where I started before I went on Weight Watchers FIVE years ago. I guess I did pretty well. I kept off a lot of the weight for 5 years. Not too bad. But now it's back. And I am fat again. I just can't seem to get motivated anymore though. I know that if I went back on WW that it would work. I know this. And I can do WW for like a week and lose a pound or two. But then I get lazy and quit. I think a lot of it has to do with wanting to be pregnant. In the two-week wait when I am having one of those I must eat everything in sight days, I think that maybe I am pregnant so I should go ahead and eat. This attitude has given me about 15 extra pounds on my frame since I started TTC 6 months ago. And another part of me thinks that I am just going to be pregnant soon anyway so what's the point of losing weight now? Why not just lose it all after the baby is born? I guess maybe that's a good sign. Me thinking or assuming that I will get pregnant soon. But no. In six months all I have to show for myself is a fat ass and stomach with no baby in there to blame. Plus, when I finally do get pregnant I don't want to gain more than 15 pounds! I can't have this attitude if I am going to achieve that.

I really don't know what to do. The advice I've been given is to concentrate on the weight loss and then I'll be pregnant before I know it. But that's hard. I want a baby more than I want to be thin. I guess today is the first day of my diet. But I say that a lot.

Nobody Cares About Your Stupid Dreams

Even my dreams are negative. Last night I dreamt (or is it dreamed??) that I got my period and my boss asked me if I had come to terms with never becoming a mother. I told him, "No, I will always try" as I was crying. I woke up in a cold sweat.

BFP but not for me

I must be a masochist of sorts. Every day I go to three different TTC Boards on ivillage to see who got pregnant. I've made a lot of good e-friends on these boards and I just like to stay in touch. Well, today as I was checking the "I'm Pregnant" sections I ran across THREE newly pregnant girls. Guess what? They all got pregnant their first month of trying. Good for them. Good for them.

No one ever said life was fair.

BUT DAMMIT THIS MAKES ME ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN WAITING LONG ENOUGH TO GET PREGNANT. WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! WHY WON'T IT HAPPEN?!

why?

This and That

I don't know where to begin. Weekend good. Massage bad. Sister ruined ovulation. I mean, how can I explain? I can't. Too convoluted.

So let me just say this. I am mad at my womanly cycles. This month things are totally out of whack and I don't know what to make of it.

I cannot possibly see how I am going to get pregnant this month. I have no idea when or even if I have ovulated. That's it. I quit. I just quit.

***********

In other news, I am excited about starting the new Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer. Well, it isn't so new...but it's new to me. I read Twilight in one day. It was pretty addictive. I am going to try my hardest not to read the second book so fast. I swear, I was reading so long that when I finally finished and stood up I was dizzy. I had to lie down on the cold kitchen floor because I thought I was going to faint. Heh heh. I guess I was sitting in the same position for too long. Made me nauseous. Anyway, is it wrong that I am in love with Edward Cullen, a 17 year-old vampire?

And since we are on the subject of "media" let me just say that I was blown away by Heath Ledger's performance in The Dark Knight. I thought everyone was sort of building him up just because he died. They weren't. He stole the show. It is so tragic that he died. It really gets to me for some reason. I know he was just some actor that didn't have anything to do with me, but still...his death really bothers me. Maybe because he was my age.

Oh and parts of the next Harry Potter film are going to be filmed in 3-D for Imax. I am super, super, super, way too excited about that. On the previews for The Dark Knight they had just an audio of Dumbledore (Michael Gambon) speaking and I quite literally got goose bumps.

So at least I am keeping busy. Do I get credit for doing things OTHER than thinking of babies? I think I deserve credit. I am trying so hard to be positive/happy/not depressed. Kudos to me. ;)

Fear & Loathing

I'm sad again today. Yeah, you guessed it. It's about not being pregnant. I was doing really well this week, but not today. I am wondering why some people get pregnant so easily. Why haven't I? Why why why?? I'm really discouraged. I am feeling as though it will just NEVER happen. I know the statistics say that on average, it can take a couple 6-12 months to conceive. But that isn't what I am seeing on my message boards. I am seeing a lot of 1-3 month-ers posting BFPs on the boards. I should probably stay away from them, but I am shamefully addicted. And seeing that stuff just makes me feel so abnormal. So sterile, infertile, barren....whatever. Sometimes I really hate myself. I'm really angry. I'm mad at myself, mad at the gods, mad at all of those anonymous pregnant women in the world. I feel like throwing a fit.

Well, I am trying to be normal. I have a massage scheduled for 3:30 today and DH and I are going to spend the weekend in Louisville on a mini holiday. Plus, I have continued to stay on my 100mg of Zoloft daily. I am hoping that in doing these things I can "relax" enough to actually get pregnant this month. But I know I should just be doing these things for the sake of doing them. Not with some ulterior motive involved.

I am betting I won't get pregnant this month either. Anyone care to make a wager??

Ugh. I hate myself.

Template

Yeah, I keep changing the layout. I think I like this one though. It's easier to read. I am debating on whether or not to put a picture of myself up on this site. Hmm.....decisions decisions....

Did I say EIGHT pounds??

I do not like brownies. These, however, are going to be the death of me. Oh my GAWD they are so good. I highly recommend them. And if you are making them, follow the recipe for "fudge-like" and not "cake-like". Don't overbake either. You'll thank me. ;)

Smashed

I just finished a memoir called "Smashed" by Koren Zailckas. I didn't really like or enjoy it, but I was compulsed to read it in about a day and half. And it's sticking with me. In it she details her life and her relationship with alcohol. And it is a scary one. It makes me wonder...do I know anyone like that in my life right now? I think I do. But no women (that I know of).

She was a binge drinker. And a 5-6 night a week binger at that. Most of her alcoholism occurred in college. She's a year younger than I am. And I swear, I just can't believe that someone (a GIRL) can do that to themselves. I don't really know that life, but I have caught glimpses of it. In college for about a month, I was drunk. I would wake up still drunk and go to classes to take exams. Most of the time I would miss my early morning classes. That was the semester I nearly lost my scholarship. But I have never blacked out. I have never had my stomach pumped. I have never unwillingly had sex with a guy just because I was too drunk to say no. I have never woken up and not known where I was. I have never even thrown up from drinking, although I have suffered from some pretty killer hangovers.

Ugh, the whole idea of all of that makes me feel dirty. I wonder if I knew or even currently know any women who abuse alcohol in that way. And if so, what compels them to keep drinking? It's just not something I understand. For some reason, it really saddens me to think that anyone could live like that. How can your whole life revolve around alcohol? How horrible must you feel about yourself when you sober up and realize what happened the night before. It's just icky. I don't like it. And I don't like to think of the young girls out there right now who are going down this path. I know it is a right of passage to go through your "drunken years" but I just wish society wouldn't embrace the whole "girls gone wild" mentality. It's really sick.

Anyway...her memoir made me think. I guess maybe it was good afterall.

Still Smitten

I just have to say this. I love my husband! We've been together for about 10 and a half years and I am still in love with him. He is an amazing person. I would be completely lost without him. I am truly grateful to be married to him and realize how insanely lucky I am to have him as my partner in life.

I just had to say that. Carry on.

Vodka Veritaserum

So, I had a really fun weekend with Heather and Nikki. I really needed it. It was nice to get away, get a little sunburned, a little girl time, and a little drunk. Heather and Nikki are so super cool and nice and laid back. It is nice to be around girls who aren't catty and judgmental. Very nice.

However....

I swear, I hate myself sometimes. I always get SO talkative when I am drinking. It's like I have to be the center of attention. I get so HONEST when I am drunk. I can't shut up. And always, the next day as I am driving home, I am cringing...thinking oh my god why did I keep saying that?! Or, why couldn't I just sit still and let others talk for a moment. And maybe I am making this all up. Maybe I wasn't really that annoying. But I don't know. When you get on your own nerves that may be a bad sign.

Argh. It's always something. I can never just relax and be happy with myself.

And now I am back home and back to reality...back to worrying about getting pregnant again. Back to seeing everyone else on my message boards get their BFP's. Back to trying not to be insanely jealous and let down that it was them and not me. Oh man...another month of this...

Yay!

I'm so excited I get to hang out with Heather this weekend. No husband attached. (nothing against my husband...just...we need some time apart)

I am actually doing SOMETHING and not all worried about being and/or getting pregnant. How cool is that? It's such a nice reprieve.

Aaahhh....a break from the monotony.

Hooray!!!

"NOT PREGNANT"

You see this? It actually says "Not Pregnant". What you can't see is the "ha ha ha ha ha ha"...you have to read between the lines for that one. I effing hate HPTs. They can all bite me. And then they can go to hell and burn.

So to retaliate I joined Curves for real and I will lose 8 pounds this month.

And this weekend I am going to Nashville to stay with a friend. Good times will be had, although those good times may disagree with that 8 pounds up there. Nevertheless, I refuse to let this month get me down. I am so sick of being hopeful then let down. It is an emotional roller coaster and I am stepping off for at least a week.

I guess I can't do anything about not getting pregnant. Goodness knows I am doing everything humanly possible. And now I would like control of my life back, thank you very much.

A Very Hard Day

I am a broken record. It's just that I am having a particularly bad day today and I need to get it out. I don't want to vent to my friends and family about this anymore. They are growing tired of my whining.

But it's always there. It's always on my mind. It's what I think about ALL THE TIME. I cannot believe that I am now on to month 6 and I am still not pregnant. I was so cocky at first. I just knew that I would be pregnant at Emily's wedding. I told Amber that I would be joining her soon. And now she's ready to give birth and I am still waiting, and feeling like a complete idiot to boot. I should have never told anyone I was TTC. It was a big mistake. Now people ask stupid questions, offer stupid advice, and give me those "I'm sorry" looks all the time. It's awful.

If I hear you are trying too hard one more time I am gonna snap. If somebody tells me it will happen when you least expect it again I will start to cry. I am never going to least expect it. I expect it every month. I am not going to give up trying. I guess if that is the case, it would happen after I go through menopause. THAT is when I would least expect it. What stupid advice. And really, I guess there isn't anything anyone can say to make it better. That's why I should have never told anyone I was trying in the first place.

I was all concerned about another miscarriage when I first started trying again. But now I am just scared to death that my miscarriage broke me and I will never be able to get pregnant again. And everywhere I go, I see pregnant women. It is like they are taunting me: Ha ha...look how easy it is to get pregnant. I wasn't even TRYING and I got knocked up. I'm not even sure how I am going to pay for this child. It is my third, you know.

I am so despondent. I am so tired. I cannot sleep at night. I cannot make plans for the future. I cannot DO anything until I am pregnant. I am not enjoying life right now. In fact, it completely sucks.

So there it is. I am a whiny, spoiled brat. I think everyone already knew that though.

Is It My Turn Yet?

On my way into the office this morning I ran into one of my pregnant co-workers. I hadn't seen her in a while. She's really showing now. I'd say she's 6 or 7 months along. I guess you could say I am jealous of her. Seeing her was actually very hard. More than anything I just feel this deep sadness. It's very hard to explain. She announced right as I was beginning the TTC process. This was an "unexpected" pregnancy. And even then, when I heard the announcement, I couldn't help feeling like she was taking MY pregnancy. I know that's not true. But she already has a child, plus two other step-sons. Me: I have nothing. I know life isn't "fair". But gosh, why can't I get pregnant? Is there something wrong? I just feel so broken in many ways. I can't live my life right now. I am trying. I joined Curves. I am really starting to diet. I read books. I've doubled up on my Zoloft. And yet....

Why I Want To Be Called Mommy

I think that people either want children or do not want children for entirely selfish reasons. And I think that both positions are perfectly valid. So why do I want to be a mom? What's got into me? I used to not want kids. But I used to be unable to fathom turning 30 too. However, things change, and I can't believe how quickly they do.

I want to experience pregnancy in all its glory. It would be a shame if I had the potential to create a new life but never did. It is such a miraculous thing. I mean, I have the power (I hope) to form another human being within my own body. That is just amazing. I have to experience this. It is not something I want to pass up. Granted, I am hoping I am one of the few lucky women who avoid stretch marks, but I will take them if I have to, and I am betting I will.

It may be childish, but isn't it fun to sit and think about what your baby will look like? Will it be a boy or a girl? What personality traits will it pick up from me, from my husband, and what will be entirely his or her own. I just think it's so neat that my husband and I can (hopefully) make a family from scratch.

And that's another reason: family. I have my immediate family and that's great. But we are all grown now and have gone our separate ways. I am ready for my OWN. I am ready to play the role of mommy. My husband and I are just a married couple right now. We are not a family.

Another completely selfish reason I want a baby is because I am bored. I am not a particularly exciting person. I will always have to work a 9-5 office job. I will never be a famous actor, a singer touring the world, a nurse traveling to Africa to help feed the starving children. In the grand scheme of things, I am not particularly important. Having a child is a way to be bigger than myself. It's a way to experience more out of life. Right now I work, I eat and I sleep. It doesn't seem like I have a greater purpose. Having a child would give me that purpose. Granted, I do not think that having a child makes you special to anyone other than your child. I hate the whole "I'm a mom so therefore I am important" attitude. It's highly annoying.

I can't picture myself at age 45 with no kids. What the hell else will I do? Keep doing nothing?! No. I need something to work towards, something to look forward to. Watching my child grow up into an adult would definitely give me things to look forward to.

I also have this "love" inside of me. I can't really explain it, but I just know that I have a lot to give. Without a child I will never be able to give that love. I will always feel like something is missing from my life, the way I feel right now.

So these are some reasons I want to be a mommy. None of them seem very honorable, but I never claimed to be honorable. ;)

And right now I am in limbo. I am very sad and very discouraged that it is not happening as quickly as I would like it to. If I could know in my heart that it will definitely happen, then maybe I could relax. I am just scared it won't happen and I will be left to wonder what might have been for the rest of my life. So occasionally I will allow myself to pretend that I am pregnant. And it's so exciting to me. I have so much to look forward to.

Moving on to month 6 now. Despite my greatest fears, I have hope.

Weight Loss

So I have gone to livestrong.com and have found that they have a pretty good site for entering your daily food intake. It's quite similar to Weight Watchers, but it's FREE.

As of today I am on a diet. Or maybe I should say "lifestyle change". Ha ha...yeah right. We all know that is a load of crap. In order for me to lose 2 pounds per week I have 1200 calories to eat in a day. Not much, but it corresponds to WW pretty well.

So today I did good. 1100 calories. Normally I would eat that remaining 100 calories but I am not feeling well, so I am gonna take the decreased hunger while I can get it. I know it doesn't happen to me often.

I am really hoping to lose at least 2 pounds the first week so I can stay motivated. I know the weight loss will slow after that, but I really NEED that immediate payoff if I am gonna stick with it. The last time I did WW it really didn't work. I did everything right and nothing happened (ha...sounds like other things in my life right now). I think I lost a total of only 2 pounds in a month. And I know that is supposedly reasonable. I am not trying to break any records. But still....come on.

Working out is not a problem for me. I go to the gym and do strength training 2-3 times a week and I walk 2-3 miles 3-4 times a week too. So I think that I've got that part covered. Besides, working out never really helped me to lose weight.

So here goes. Let's see how I do.

Dreams Don't Mean Much

Dreams = disappointment

Don't dream. It won't lead to anything worthwhile.

Month 6. Hope is dwindling.

Sigh.....

Dreams

I dreamed I was pregnant. I took a test and there were two lines. And that was just the best thing ever. I didn't want to wake up.

I also dreamed that I was reading a book. I mean actually flipping through the pages and reading the words. I thought it was a great story but I forgot it when I woke up. It was an Ursela Le Guinn novel.

Since I am going to the library to get a Le Guinn novel soon, I hope that the first dream was a bit of foreboding as well.

Every Woman for Herself

So, you go to great lengths to look good. You fret over what you are going to wear to work. Is my pantyline showing? My pants are so tight! My arms look huge in this.

You try on tons of clothes. Nothing fits right. Everything pulls at your hips. You try countless different brands of make up. You burn your hair with a straightening iron. You wear heavy and uncomfortable earrings. Your shoes are NOT made for walking.

And you know what? Nobody cares. Nobody notices you anyway! Everybody else is too worried about how THEY look themselves.

******

I got a haircut today and nobody noticed. It wasn't drastic, but I think it is pretty noticeable. It's quite a bit shorter and I now have bangs. And nobody noticed. I don't know why this bothers me but it does. I mean, what am I so worried about? I want to look nice, but for whom??

I am all wrapped up in how big my hips are compared to other skinny and perfect bodied friends of mine (you know who you are) and for what? Nobody is looking at me!! Why do I care so much?

I'm highly annoyed. Like I said before, I can't really place why, but nevertheless...where are the gay guys when you need them to notice your new do?

Another 2ww

I'm feeling pretty despondent today about getting pregnant. This is our fifth month of trying. And not just TRYING, but timing everything perfectly and doing everything right. One of the books I have says that if after 4-6 months you still aren't pregnant, you should see a doctor. This is scary. This means that something might be wrong. I have 2 more chances before I've got to make that appointment.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this be my month. Please!

Now all I can do is wait. TWO WEEKS. AGAIN. Ugh. It takes so long! And my hormones in this time frame do horrible things to me.

I'm sad.

Ode to Jurm

So most people's praises are sung only AFTER they die. But I want to sing my husband's praises today. He is my best friend and he is the greatest thing in my life.

So here are some things I know and love about Jurm:

He is a great writer. Once he wrote a script and placed in a screenwriting contest without really trying. A couple of random guys even wanted to buy his script from him and actually make his movie.

He's really funny. He makes me laugh all of the time. We have little inside jokes and can just look at each other and know that something is funny. His laugh is really good. Without his laugh I would be very sad in all of my days and nights.

He's so smart. He knows everything. What he says is gospel to me. And if he doesn't know something, I assume that it wasn't worth knowing anyway.

He calls me baby or sweetie. If he calls me Marie, I know he is mad or annoyed with me. I don't like it when he calls me Marie.

He can play guitar. Give him any song and he can learn it in 10 minutes just by ear.

Despite my protests, he is losing his hair.

He likes to eat in an orderly fashion. He has to have everything laid out perfectly and does not like to be disturbed. If you threaten to take his food, he gets very aggravated. It's best to leave him alone, but I sometimes like to reach into his bag of chips just to watch him squirm.

He is terrible with directions. When we go into a store at the mall he will ALWAYS forget which direction we came from when we leave that store.

He works out A LOT. He likes to run and he is very dedicated to staying fit. If he misses a workout you can just tell that he feels bad about it.

He loves my feet. He likes the part of my foot where my ankle meets the top of my foot. He sometimes says he wants to bite my big toe and I will let him...occasionally.

He calls me pretty a lot. He tells me I am cute. He tells me he wants to cuddle with me. He tells me he loves me all the time.

I have only seen him cry 3 or 4 times. Each time it is heartbreaking.

Even when we have spent too much time together and it would be best for us to spend some time apart, I do not want to. I always miss him. Always...even if we are arguing about something.

He is who I want to be the father of my children. Plain and simple. I want him as my children's daddy. I want to give him that experience. I want it to be from me.

He knows all of my "voices" and accepts them. I even made up a voice just for him. Doing my Jurm voice makes me happy. He seems to like it too, although to the outsider it may be quite sickening.

He lets me sing in the car and never gets annoyed with it (or if he does, he keeps it to himself.)

So there are some things I know about Jurm. He is my constant and I love him.

I am a drug addict

I cannot survive without this drug. I take the yellow one. The highest dose they have. If I ever go off of it again who knows will happen. Each time I go off I get progressively worse. This last time I have been the closest to suicidal as I have ever been, which for the record isn't all that close. I'm just saying...I guess if I ever get to be a mother I will just have to take the risk by staying on Zoloft, a Class C drug, while I am pregnant. Not that I have any actual hope that I will ever get to experience a term pregnancy in my life.

I don't like being the way I am. I don't like my personality. I don't like the way my voice sounds. I don't like that pain in my gut when I try to think positive. I don't like the way my face looks just so ordinary. I don't like that I take up so much space when all I really want is to disappear. I don't like how I've never been the girl that boys sing about. I don't like how my hands don't look very feminine. I don't ike how I can't entertain myself. I don't like how men don't look at me anymore. I don't like my hair. I don't like how I rely on a pill to keep from going crazy. I don't like how I can't get motivated to lose weight. I don't like how I can't sleep at night because my brain won't shut up. I don't like that I can't take disappointment. I don't like that I am not a mother. I don't like that I compare my looks to all the beautiful girls and always come up short. I don't like that I can't allow my husband to see me naked. I don't like that he doesn't admire me anymore.

I really hope this drug starts to kick in really fast this time around. Just as soon as I start to feel good something knocks me back down. I guess it's all my fault. I am pretty useless.

I think I'm clinically depressed. Like more depressed than I have ever been in my entire life, except for the day my cat died. Even more depressed than when I had my miscarriage and nearly bled to death.

I don't know what to do to get better.

BFN and My "Epiphany" is A Load of Crap

There is nothing crueler than a negative pregnancy test when you want to be pregnant. Where the second line should be there is a stark white nothingness staring back at you. You say that this month you are taking things easy. You aren't pushing it. You are relaxed. Whatever will be will be. But then you see the big fat negative and it is a slap in the face. You failed. Again. And that is crushing. Defeating. Sickening.

You have nothing to do with yourself. No responsibilities. Nothing to look forward to but another month of "trying". You try watching TV but there is nothing on. You try reading, but you can't concentrate. You can't go shopping because you are broke. You could go on a walk, but that would only occupy about 40 minutes of your day so why even bother. So you spend your Sunday alternating between sleeping and crying.

Sleep. Cry. Repeat.

And now you are paralyzed for another month. You can't really diet. You can't exercise much. You can't plan vacations or anything that doesn't fall on a potential fertile day. You can't drink your sorrows away. You can't go swimming because you've let yourself go. You can't call your sister because she doesn't understand. Most of your friends don't understand what you are going through and don't want to be bothered by depressing stuff like this anyway. You can't take Ativan. Your mother says be patient. It will happen when you least expect it. Your husband says this will be our month for the fifth month in a row.

You try to muster up the strength to go through another month of hope and disappointment. You don't know how you will do it again. But somehow you will find a way. Hope returns even when it is not welcome or warranted.

...sigh...

I had been doing pretty fantastic this month about the whole pregnancy thing. I had my "epiphany" and I really felt relaxed and a lot better about the whole situation. But today is really hard for me. A lot of the women on my message boards that I have become e-friends with have gone on to graduate and get pregnant. As for me, I am now in my fourth two-week wait and feeling very un-pregnant. I feel left in the dust by all the fertile women who can actually do what their bodies have been designed to do. I want to be pregnant so badly that it physically hurts my heart. People keep saying it will happen but each month that goes by and it doesn't, I get a little more hopeless and a little more scared that it may never happen. And to add insult to injury, I found out that my insurance does not cover infertility testing or drugs. It puts that kind of stuff in the same category as plastic surgery. (I guess their line of reasoning is that if you want to be pregnant you want to alter your body in some way and this is the same as having elective cosmetic surgery. Sure...that makes sense to me. **major eye roll**)

The other day one of my friends said something to me that wasn't meant to be hurtful, but it was. I told her that I was really tired or something like that and she said, "Yeah but you don't have any children. You don't have the right to be tired!" And she didn't mean it as a slap in the face, but it kind of felt like one. She apologized and I am not angry. I mean, to someone not trying to conceive it was just an annoying comment about how children make you "worthy" somehow. But in my situation, I am just always reminded of not being a mommy.

I want a family too. Why do I not have the right to a family but everyone else does?

And I know this is just more self-pity. I know that I am not the only woman in this situation. I know that some women have been through a lot worse than myself, but some days are hard and some days I just need to get all of these emotions down on paper to make me feel a little bit less burdened by it all.

What? It's only TUESDAY??!!

Some days it is hard to think of 5 things that you are truly grateful for. Today is one of those days.

1 - My dad. He came over this morning and put mulch around our landscaping in the front yard without us even asking. This is pretty back-breaking work and took him probably 3 hours to do. It looks great.

2 - My mom. She is in Florida right now with her friends and I already miss her although she's only been gone a few days. I hope she is having a good time. She deserves it.

3 - My house. I like it.

4 - Summer. It doesn't get dark until 9:30 here. How can you not like that?

5 - The Ped Egg. This thing finally made my feet look good and relatively callus/crack/gross peely, scratchy skin free. Although I think I may have taken it too far. My feet are now red and sore from taking too much good skin off. I tend to go overboard with stuff like that.

Soup Du'Jour

Five things I am grateful for today:

1 - My friend Andi. She's the only LOCAL friend that I have and it's great getting to know her and her family. She has been super helpful to me in my TTC journey. I love my far away friends, but it is so nice to have a friend who resides in the same county as I. Especially since I have such a hard time making friends on my own.

2 - My job and the 5% raise that I am getting this year. I love my low stress job. And although this 5% raise is the lowest I have gotten in about 4 years, it is way more than a lot of people are getting in this poor economy. PLUS, my job is the steadiest thing around. I have no fear of ever getting laid off.

3 - My commute. With gas prices so high I smile every day as I make my way home from work. If everything is timed just right I can get home in 3.5 minutes. I am totally not taking this fact for granted.

4 - My husband. He's been on this crazy cleaning kick lately and I am loving it. And just the other day as I was stressing out over what to wear to Emily's wedding shower that didn't make me look like a beached whale, he said, "You poor thing. Girls have it so hard." How can you not love a boy like that?!

5 - The nap I am gonna take today. Once I have kids, my napping days are over. You better believe I am gonna get in all the naps I can before I get knocked up...and I refuse to feel guilty about them.

I am almost OK

I have been struggling lately with the fear that I will never have in my life all that I want. It has been consuming and paralyzing me. I have not been living my life. I have been stuck. I compare myself to others. They have kids, they have a big house, they have money in savings, they are thin and pretty. And I have/am none of those things. But this just means that I have not been playing the leading role in my life. This comparing and obsessing has only put me on the back burner. I don't like this. I want my life to be my own. I want the leading role.

Last night I had a bit of an epiphany. I have finally realized that even if my worst fears do come true, I will be OK.

If I never get pregnant and carry a baby to term, I will not die. I know in my heart that I will be a mother one day. If I have to adopt to achieve that goal, then that will be OK. An adopted child would need me more than anything. An adopted child would be one less soul that is already suffering in the world that I could actually help. I could actually be their mother and love them in a way no one else will. This is comforting to me, to say with 100% certainty that I will be a mother one day.

And I may never be able to afford a big house with a playroom for the kids. But this is also OK. Other people's possessions in life have nothing to do with me. Their money and their belongings do not detract from me as an individual. This is not something I have realized before, although it seems quite obvious. If the Joneses have a mansion and $100,000 in savings and no debt then what exactly does that have to do with me? NOTHING! Nothing at all.

And so what if I am not 130 pounds and beautiful? Just because one girl is prettier and skinnier than I am, it does not mean that she is worthier too. I have the same right to happiness and life that anyone else does on this planet. And that is also something that I have never realized before.

My life is enough. I am enough. And that is my epiphany.

So Hard

These lyrics speak to me for whatever reason. Just thought I'd post.

DIXIE CHICKS
"So Hard"

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy

Doesn't he just creep you out? I'm so excited about Lost tonight. I'm in love with Michael Emerson's portrayal of Benjamin Linus. This man is nothing short of brilliant. Did you see the way he reacted when Alex was shot? I mean, that was just so good....I loved it!

And here's to hoping that we get at least a little dose of Desmond tonight. Pulease?! Give me, give me, I need, I need!!!!

The episode this week is the second to last of the season. This makes me very sad. What will I do without this show? I know it makes me sound kinda lame, but this kind of stuff lets me escape from my every day life. I love getting emersed in something outside of myself. Harry Potter, Lost and the New England Patriots are my three latest obsessions. Wonder what's next. I hope it's good.

http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20200268,00.html This link will show you that I am not the only one obsessed with Lost. I feel like I need Cliff Notes to understand this article! Sheesh...

The Glass is Half Full??

I feel like such a spoiled brat. I am such a lucky person and yet I tend to only dwell on what is wrong with my life. How American of me. In fact, I am living a charmed life.

So today I choose to be grateful.

Besides, life is what you make it. You can't change the cards you were dealt but you sure as hell can change the way you play them.

What Not to Say

So when people try and console you about your baby fears they say a lot of things. Some of them are helpful, but mostly nobody can say ANYTHING to make you feel better.

Here is a list of what not to say to a woman (me) who is TTC or who has had a miscarriage.

1. It will happen in God's time.
Pulease...this is pretty much one of the worst ones. #1 I don't believe in your God and #2 well, I don't believe in any God.
2. It was not meant to be.
Why not? Because God said so? Well, your god is a jerk.
3. Everything happens for a reason.
Of course everything happens for a reason. Cause and effect...duh. But this does not help me at all. The reason I had a miscarriage was because something went wrong. The reason I am not pregnant is because sperm has not met up with egg in the appropriate fashion. This is just fact. It is not comforting to me in the least bit. And I know what people mean by this statement, but refer to #1 here...
4. At least you know you can get pregnant.
Yeah, I got pregnant one time and it didn't last. Boy, what a relief.
5. Just relax. It will happen when you least expect it.
First off, don't tell me to relax. It is not in my nature to "relax". Besides, you try relaxing during and after a miscarriage and see how well you do. Anyone want a blood transfusion?
6. Stop trying so hard.
So you are telling me that the only reason I am not pregnant is because I am trying too hard?! OK. I guess I will just stop having sex when I ovulate and see how that works out. Or maybe I should drink some of this water that people are talking about. Yeah, the water that magically knocks you up. Maybe I'll try that instead.
7. Just be patient and it will happen.
Do I look patient?! Do I sound patient?!

Yes, I sound really bitter and mad. And I am not mad at the individuals who are trying to console me. Really, I'm not. I'm just mad at life and these stupid little comments are really driving me nuts. I do know that people say these things because they are just trying to be helpful. But boy does it feel good to type this all out. I mean, it really feels good even though I sound like a bitter and whining brat. I don't care. It's the way I feel.

What I do like to hear are the success stories. I like to know that so and so miscarried and it took them 10 months to get pregnant again...yada yada yada... now they've got a 9 month old healthy baby girl. Those are the stories I want to hear. I need data and medical statistics. This is what consoles me.