I had been doing pretty fantastic this month about the whole pregnancy thing. I had my "epiphany" and I really felt relaxed and a lot better about the whole situation. But today is really hard for me. A lot of the women on my message boards that I have become e-friends with have gone on to graduate and get pregnant. As for me, I am now in my fourth two-week wait and feeling very un-pregnant. I feel left in the dust by all the fertile women who can actually do what their bodies have been designed to do. I want to be pregnant so badly that it physically hurts my heart. People keep saying it will happen but each month that goes by and it doesn't, I get a little more hopeless and a little more scared that it may never happen. And to add insult to injury, I found out that my insurance does not cover infertility testing or drugs. It puts that kind of stuff in the same category as plastic surgery. (I guess their line of reasoning is that if you want to be pregnant you want to alter your body in some way and this is the same as having elective cosmetic surgery. Sure...that makes sense to me. **major eye roll**)
The other day one of my friends said something to me that wasn't meant to be hurtful, but it was. I told her that I was really tired or something like that and she said, "Yeah but you don't have any children. You don't have the right to be tired!" And she didn't mean it as a slap in the face, but it kind of felt like one. She apologized and I am not angry. I mean, to someone not trying to conceive it was just an annoying comment about how children make you "worthy" somehow. But in my situation, I am just always reminded of not being a mommy.
I want a family too. Why do I not have the right to a family but everyone else does?
And I know this is just more self-pity. I know that I am not the only woman in this situation. I know that some women have been through a lot worse than myself, but some days are hard and some days I just need to get all of these emotions down on paper to make me feel a little bit less burdened by it all.
1 comment:
Sometimes I want to be pregnant so desperately, it makes my stomach hurt. I get so sad when I see pregnant women (especially those who are as far along as I SHOULD be). A lot of the time I feel as though I have no right to feel that way. We tried ONE TIME and got pregnant.. There are so many more women out there who have tried for so much longer to get pregnant..
But we lost that baby. And we've wanted children together pretty much since the day we decided that we were boyfriend/girlfriend. We've been very patient, and tried to be responsible in our waiting until the time was right..
I just wanted to let you know that you're NOT alone. *hugs*
Post a Comment