I am a drug addict

I cannot survive without this drug. I take the yellow one. The highest dose they have. If I ever go off of it again who knows will happen. Each time I go off I get progressively worse. This last time I have been the closest to suicidal as I have ever been, which for the record isn't all that close. I'm just saying...I guess if I ever get to be a mother I will just have to take the risk by staying on Zoloft, a Class C drug, while I am pregnant. Not that I have any actual hope that I will ever get to experience a term pregnancy in my life.

I don't like being the way I am. I don't like my personality. I don't like the way my voice sounds. I don't like that pain in my gut when I try to think positive. I don't like the way my face looks just so ordinary. I don't like that I take up so much space when all I really want is to disappear. I don't like how I've never been the girl that boys sing about. I don't like how my hands don't look very feminine. I don't ike how I can't entertain myself. I don't like how men don't look at me anymore. I don't like my hair. I don't like how I rely on a pill to keep from going crazy. I don't like how I can't get motivated to lose weight. I don't like how I can't sleep at night because my brain won't shut up. I don't like that I can't take disappointment. I don't like that I am not a mother. I don't like that I compare my looks to all the beautiful girls and always come up short. I don't like that I can't allow my husband to see me naked. I don't like that he doesn't admire me anymore.

I really hope this drug starts to kick in really fast this time around. Just as soon as I start to feel good something knocks me back down. I guess it's all my fault. I am pretty useless.