Shock and Awe

I have started this entry and erased it about a dozen times already. So I am just gonna say it. I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am finally pregnant.

Yes, that is right. The one thing that I wanted more than anything in my life has happened again. And to say that I am excited and relieved is an understatement.

I found out last Friday. I was scared to death to take a test because I knew it was going to be negative and I was going to have to go through my weekend miserable and depressed. But some girls on my message boards convinced me to test, as well as my friend at work. So after I returned to work from lunch I told my boss that I was gonna run home and pick up something. Instead, I ran home and peed in a cup. The first test I used was one of those cheap internet test strips. At first only the control line came up and I just felt so defeated and stupid. Duh, of course it was negative. What was I thinking. So I paced the room a bit and came back to make sure. A second line was forming. I could see it. I freaked out. I was talking to myself saying, "that is a line, oh my god, that is a line!!" So for further verification I pulled out the big guns. The digital. I stuck it in my pee cup (lovely) and took the test to the car with me on my way back to work. The last time I took a digital it took a few minutes before it said NOT PREGNANT. Well, by the time I was backing out of the driveway, it said PREGNANT. I was in disbelief.

As soon as I got back to work I showed Andi. I was shaking like a leaf and sweating too. It was amazing. I don't quite know the feeling. It was relief and fear and elation all wrapped into one.

So, here I am one week later and still officially pregnant. I have had my first two blood draws and my hCG numbers are doubling as they should. But now that the shock has kind of worn off, I am starting to get scared to death. I said I wouldn't. I said once I got pregnant I would never worry again. Well, how can I keep that promise?

Now the fear of miscarriage is back and it has hit me hard. I don't exactly feel pregnant. Well, I have a few vague symptoms, but it just doesn't feel REAL. It didn't last time either. Last time I had perfect numbers from the blood work, I had a great exam from my gynecologist and everything was looking great. Nine days later and I was losing the baby. That was hard to take. And now I just cannot move past that fear of it happening again. I know the odds are on my side. (They were last time too.) I know that there is NOTHING I can do to prevent another miscarriage. However, I am too scared to get too happy about this. It's like I have one foot in and one foot out. I am not really ready to commit to this pregnancy. I keep telling myself that I am pregnant but that doesn't necessarily mean I will be having a baby in about 8 months. I want to prepare myself should the worst happen again.

Assuming it doesn't, I will be a mother on April 28, 2009. My mom's due date with ME was April 28. That is pretty cool. In fact, it's too cool for me to comprehend right now.

It's so funny how I go from one post bitching about not being pregnant straight to another post about how I am pregnant but just too scared to be truly happy about it. Wow, I really need to lighten up. It ain't easy, but I'm trying.