Why I Want To Be Called Mommy

I think that people either want children or do not want children for entirely selfish reasons. And I think that both positions are perfectly valid. So why do I want to be a mom? What's got into me? I used to not want kids. But I used to be unable to fathom turning 30 too. However, things change, and I can't believe how quickly they do.

I want to experience pregnancy in all its glory. It would be a shame if I had the potential to create a new life but never did. It is such a miraculous thing. I mean, I have the power (I hope) to form another human being within my own body. That is just amazing. I have to experience this. It is not something I want to pass up. Granted, I am hoping I am one of the few lucky women who avoid stretch marks, but I will take them if I have to, and I am betting I will.

It may be childish, but isn't it fun to sit and think about what your baby will look like? Will it be a boy or a girl? What personality traits will it pick up from me, from my husband, and what will be entirely his or her own. I just think it's so neat that my husband and I can (hopefully) make a family from scratch.

And that's another reason: family. I have my immediate family and that's great. But we are all grown now and have gone our separate ways. I am ready for my OWN. I am ready to play the role of mommy. My husband and I are just a married couple right now. We are not a family.

Another completely selfish reason I want a baby is because I am bored. I am not a particularly exciting person. I will always have to work a 9-5 office job. I will never be a famous actor, a singer touring the world, a nurse traveling to Africa to help feed the starving children. In the grand scheme of things, I am not particularly important. Having a child is a way to be bigger than myself. It's a way to experience more out of life. Right now I work, I eat and I sleep. It doesn't seem like I have a greater purpose. Having a child would give me that purpose. Granted, I do not think that having a child makes you special to anyone other than your child. I hate the whole "I'm a mom so therefore I am important" attitude. It's highly annoying.

I can't picture myself at age 45 with no kids. What the hell else will I do? Keep doing nothing?! No. I need something to work towards, something to look forward to. Watching my child grow up into an adult would definitely give me things to look forward to.

I also have this "love" inside of me. I can't really explain it, but I just know that I have a lot to give. Without a child I will never be able to give that love. I will always feel like something is missing from my life, the way I feel right now.

So these are some reasons I want to be a mommy. None of them seem very honorable, but I never claimed to be honorable. ;)

And right now I am in limbo. I am very sad and very discouraged that it is not happening as quickly as I would like it to. If I could know in my heart that it will definitely happen, then maybe I could relax. I am just scared it won't happen and I will be left to wonder what might have been for the rest of my life. So occasionally I will allow myself to pretend that I am pregnant. And it's so exciting to me. I have so much to look forward to.

Moving on to month 6 now. Despite my greatest fears, I have hope.