Who am I?

I'm becoming a bit of an idiot. Pregnancy killed a lot of my brain cells. Sleep deprivation and adoring my daughter have killed off a lot more. I am not clever anymore (despite what you may believe, I used to think I was at least a little bit clever). I cannot gets words on to paper and get them to sound the way I want them to. I can't write what my brain is thinking because my brain is thinking, "duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" most of the time. I am a bit of a moron these days.

I don't really have a personal identity anymore. I am Jane's mommy and quite frankly I like it that way. I think my entire personality is in the process of changing. My likes and dislikes, my views of the world: all in a state of flux.

It's just weird what becoming a parent has done to me. I am not a very good friend anymore. I wasn't ever anyone's "best friend" but I could at least coherently carry on a conversation that wasn't about Jane. Now, not so much.

I used to look at children and truly be disgusted by them. I actively disliked them and I thought even less of their annoying parents. Now when I see a kid crying I think, "aw....they must be so tired, poor baby". WTH?! What has happened to me? I am now the most annoying parent on the planet. Three years ago me would have wanted to slap now me in the face.

Now I could say that I don't like the "new me", but that is wrong. I don't really care about the "new me". All I care about is Jane. This does sound unhealthy and I know I won't always be this way (will I?), but when you are nursing a baby you have this physiological connection to them. It's chemical I tell you. I can't really explain it, but even when I am wishing for some personal time alone and away from Jane I know in my heart that my body cannot take being away from her for any extended period of time.

Case in point: my husband and I's (is I's proper grammar?? no, probably not) best friend got married over the weekend. I love this guy. I want nothing more than to be at his wedding and enjoy myself and wish him and his bride the best. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave Jane behind for fear of messing up her delicate little sleep routine and I didn't want her to miss me two nights in a row. I didn't go to the rehearsal dinner. I did go to the wedding but much of the time was spent fighting a splitting headache caused by the stress of leaving Jane behind (like 10 minutes away with Grammaw).

It's just weird right now. Parenthood is just crazy weird. It changes you even when you are kicking and screaming swearing up and down that you won't become that parent. Still, you do. You eat your words every day and you love it too.