Sleep deprivation :(

The last month of my life has been pretty hard. Jane has stopped sleeping really well and has outgrown her bassinet. So, about 3 weeks ago we put her in her crib and that was horrible. She started getting up several times at night crying. So I put a mattress down in her room and would sleep in the room with her, but that was no good either because she still kept crying and needing to be coaxed back to sleep. She squirms herself awake all the time and you have to keep getting up to soothe her. Just this week I have started cosleeping with her on that mattress in the floor. Two nights ago it worked pretty well. Last night, not so much because she was still so squirmy. I love sleeping with her. It seems like the natural thing to do. But I am still very terrified that I am going to roll over on her or hit her with an elbow or smother her with a blanket. I don't sleep very well when she's with me. So, I am a zombie. The nights when I get about 4 hours or less of sleep are the worst. It wouldn't be SO bad if I could stay at home with her, but I have to go to work and use my brain all day and it's just awful. I've missed several hours of work because of this. And the hours that I am at work I sit and cry. I miss her. I hate being away from her. I have crunched the numbers but I can't stay home with her. I could swing it if I worked part-time but my work won't let me and I would lose my benefits anyway.

I am a mess. I do not want to send Jane to the sitter in November, but we are still going to. The thought of her being scared or not being able to nap without Grandma there really breaks my heart every day. It actually makes me physically sick to my stomach to think about it. And I think about it all the time. We still have over 2 months before we have to send her and it is on my mind nearly every hour. She can't take a nap on her own. What is she going to do? Oh it kills me to think of her scared and so tired but afraid to go to sleep.

Despite my problem with her at night, I will never sleep "train" this baby. Crying it out is NOT an option. I think it's close to child abuse although I know several mothers would whole-heartedly disagree with me. I don't care. I am not going to do it to my baby. It goes against every instinct in my body to let her cry. I just wonder how these poor little babies feel left in a cold crib, behind bars, crying out for comfort and it never coming. That kills me. If nothing else, Jane will know she is loved during the day AND during the night. And until she can talk to me and tell me what is wrong, I will wake up with her and be there for her.

So, sleep is my problem. My body needs 9 hours of sleep a day to do well. I am getting more like 3-5. It's one thing to say it and hear about it, but it's another to live it. It is killing me. Each night I pray that this is the night she sleeps for 6 hours in a row. But that seems VERY unlikely to me now.

One day this will pass, and I will miss my sweet baby Jane wanting to sleep with me. I just wish I could get by on so little sleep. I wish I could stay at home with her where I belong.

I love her so much it breaks my heart EVERY day.