Not sure what's going on in my brain lately, but this week has been full of brief moments of panic. I hate anxiety. Unease, worry, dread, fear. These are all things I feel in these temporary moments of insanity. I feel like I am about to freak out. My heart races, I feel adrenaline rushes, I think I'm gonna just seriously FLIP OUT.
Why does this happen when everything in my life is good? I have such a low stress life. And yes, I've been taking my Zoloft.
I think it all started when I decided that I would try to get pregnant again. I'm paralyzed by the fear of another miscarriage. And I am also certain that if I do not get pregnant soon, I will have missed my window of fertility. Something will go wrong with my reproductive organs. I am convinced of this.
And then I have that sense of "something's not right". What is it that I am worrying about again? I don't know, but I'm sure it's something. It's right under the surface ready to come out at the drop of a hat, or more appropriately, at the moment of a misfired brain impulse.
If everything is going so well, surely something bad is going to happen. I can sense it looming.
I'm a classic hypochondriac. A classic case of general anxiety disorder. Yet none of this comforts me. At these realizations, my brain just goes on to think that some terrible disease must be causing the chemical imbalance I've enjoyed for so long. Maybe I have a blood disorder. Cancer. Lupus. It's got to be something.
Yes. I am nuts. This, I believe.
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2 comments:
You aren't nuts. Well, at least in the bad, unsafe to walk the streets kind of way. All of your fears are totally understandable. Once you get afraid of cottage cheese or something like that...then worry. Life is hard, no one really talks about it, but it is :)
I say, go buy shoes or a purse!
I hate to say it, but the thing that will take your focus away from your own fears and worries is to have children -- or to develop some OTHER "passion." It doesn't HAVE to be kids. Although there's nothing more thrilling.
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