I Miss Her

I miss Jane.  I miss her all day long every day that I am at work.  Sometimes it physically hurts me I miss her so much.  (And yet, when I get home, I immediately look forward to bedtime.)  She loves going to the sitter, Miss Marie.  I'm a little uneasy about the sitter.  I trust the woman but there are things I don't like.  #1, She's a smoker.  She doesn't smoke in the house and Jane never come home reeking, but she sometimes have this vague smell of cigarettes about her.  It's VERY vague.  I am the cigarette nazi.  I can sniff out a cigarette miles away.  So this really isn't that bad.  I should probably just get over this.  The house doesn't smell like smoke either.  #2, During the summer she has the kids play in pools.  Jane will only ever be in a kiddie pool, under (supposedly) constant supervision.  The big kids get in the big pool with life jackets.  She empties the kiddie pool when they are done and removes the ladder from the big (above ground about 3-4 feet) pool so no kid can escape and get in the big pool while she isn't watching.  Her safety measures are good, but you still wonder how safe it can be.  I sometimes wish I wasn't so ultra-concerned about everything.  OK, I often wish this.  I mean, our parents grew up swimming in the river with no life jacket, eating lead-paint based toys, in asbestos filled houses.  They made it.  I had the rusted through wagon, the choking hazard REAL Little People, I walked to the park and swimming pool unaccompanied by an adult by the third grade, etc.  I made it too.  We are probably TOO safe nowadays, but you still have to worry.  I think we are too informed nowadays.  Whenever a kid drowns or some horrible accident happens, we hear about it via e-mail, the internet, the news, etc.  Each time a child is missing you hear about it 24/7.  I know these things happen, but they are still so rare.  Back in the "old days" it wasn't this way.  I think the "old days" were better in this aspect.  I take each bit of bad information to mean, THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME. 
Oh and back to why I don't like the sitter.  #3, She has a dog.  I don't know WHY this bothers me.  I really don't.  It's a harmless old poodle.  Jane doesn't like the dog.  She's afraid of it.  I guess that's why I don't like it.  #4 I'm afraid she watches too many kids during the summer.  That is one thing I am definitely going to check out.  If there are too many kids, we will look elsewhere. 

So, I wonder...would I feel this way about EVERY sitter?  Would I find something to be uneasy about everywhere we go?  I am good at finding the negative.  I am good at worrying. 

The good things about the sitter:
1.  She caters to Jane's food allergies.  Jane eats up in the highchair so I know she's not going to stealing food off of another kid's plate or something like that.  This is very good.  This was one of my TOP worries before we found Miss Marie.
2.  Jane LOVES going there.  The other day when I got home from work, she didn't come running to see me, she didn't smile or anything.  She just said very seriously, "I need to go back Miss Marie's house."
3.  She tells us a lot about Jane's day.  How long she napped, if she pooped, cute little tidbits and things she did.
4.  She sends all of our stuff back to us clean.  All food dishes are returned washed.  Jane's bib, which is rarely dirty, is folded up in a plastic bag.
5.  She puts OUR sunscreen on Jane (Jane breaks out to "other" stuff) without complaint.  I think she just sprays all of the other kids down with the same stuff. 
6.  Jane comes home happy.  She never does things which make us wonder if she's being hurt, neglected or abused in any way.  She has actually benefited from going.  She comes home and can count, do ABC's, and loves to show us the games she's learned.
7.  Miss Marie is very close to our house.  She charges only $25 a day, she's ALWAYS "open for business", and she is very flexible with our part-time schedule.
8.  Jane will actually nap for her (about 50% of the time).  I'm glad for this.  I was afraid she would never nap for anybody but someone whose hair she was playing with at the time. 

I am just trying to talk myself into "outside" childcare.  I even miss Jane when she's with my own mother.  I still worry about her then too. 

When I have this baby, I am going back on Zoloft IMMEDIATELY.  Maybe that will take the edge off of my worrying.  I mean, I know every mother worries endlessly about her children, but sometimes I think mine is a touch too much.