Scared

I am getting really scared about having this baby. It's kind of hitting me that in just 3 months or so I will be going into labor and having a human being come out of my body. One that depends entirely on me for her existence. It's a little overwhelming.

#1 labor is REALLY scary to me. I have read enough birth stories to know that things can go smoothly or that they can go terribly wrong. There is no way to predict or plan for a great labor and that scares me. Will I be able to stand the pain? Will I have to be induced? Will I end up with an emergency C-Section? Will the baby be healthy? Will I poop on the table (yes it happens!)?? Lol...these are all things I think about. And the thought of that happening to me in just a few short months is really scary. I know countless women give birth every day, but not me. I don't know if I can do it but I have no choice. This baby has got to come out somehow.

#2 my life is going to change SO much once she is here. I like my life right now. I love my leisure time. I love my sleep, my naps. I love my lazy weekends with my husband. But all of that is going to disappear when baby comes. I am a creature of habit/routine and I like my routine now. When the "normal" gets messed up, I usually go into panic mode. I just don't know how I am going to handle a completely different life. Will I like it?

And that brings me to #3. Will I like being a mother? I already know that I love baby Jane. But I don't know if I love being a mother. I don't like kids. That is a fact. 95% of the time they annoy me to death. I think they are gross, ugly and bratty. What if having your own child ISN'T any different. Is it possible to think your own child is a gross, ugly brat? What if I am an awful mommy? I don't know the first thing about babies. I can't talk to kids without feeling really awkward. I don't know....my own mother was such a great mom. I can't possibly live up to her. I am already feeling sorry for my baby for having such a terrible mother.

I have a million other worries and "what if's".

What if I go into premature labor and she has to go to the NICU and ends up mentally retarded?
What if having a baby puts a huge strain on my marriage and Jeremy and I end up hating each other and we end in divorce?
What if we can't afford a baby?
What if we can't find suitable day care?
What if the baby has COLIC?
What if she dies during labor?
What if I die during labor? My miscarriage at only 6 weeks nearly killed me! How will labor be any easier?

I can think of more, but I will spare you.

This is how my stupid disfunctional brain works. My next post should be focused on only positive things. But for now, it helps to write it all out.

And I guess I should just stop all of this nonsense. All that matters is right now. Right now the baby has hiccups. She is doing great and kicking around. I love her already and all that matters is that she is healthy in the end. I still love being pregnant. I am grateful every day for the opportunity that not everyone gets. These worries of mine won't matter in the end.

Sometimes I just freak out.