The Dreaded Two Week Wait

I am really frustrated. Really disappointed. Really tired of feeling paralyzed and it's only been ONE week. Yeah, I'm probably overreacting. I know that. But that doesn't really help me to feel any better.

I desperately want to get pregnant and have a baby now. It's a pretty urgent feeling. And I honestly feel like nobody understands this or why I am acting like such a spoiled brat about the whole thing.

I have friends who are not yet married. They feel as though my view is entirely selfish. I already have my husband. I am already in a place of relative financial security. I am in a place where they want to be...ready to start a family and I have a willing partner. And it is spoiled of me to get all whiny about not getting pregnant immediately. Their view is that I've already got so much, so stop begging for more and shut up already. At least I have a husband. At least I have a home. At least I have a steady job. Yes, I know, I know.

I have friends who do not want children. They just write off my feelings of wanting to have a child entirely. They cannot possibly fathom the drive I have right now. They assume that it's easy to get pregnant and have a baby. Look around you! Everyone is doing it! What's the big deal?

I have friends who ARE pregnant right now or who have just had babies in the last few years. These are the worst. Sure, they might be able to understand how badly I want to get pregnant, but they just really don't care. Why would they? They are currently in the throes of parenthood. They already have what I want. In fact, all they tend to talk about are their children in the first place. "It will happen" is a common response. Easy for them to say...

And I also have several friends who are just jealous of my whole situation. They want to be trying for a baby now too. But they aren't and so sometimes it feels as though they are actively routing against me. Hell, even I can understand this. Every time I hear of another newly pregnant girl my heart sinks because it is not me.

It's a strange place to be in. I usually can find sympathy somewhere. But even my husband grows tired of seeing me depressed about this. He says I need to live in the moment and stop wishing for something that is not here. I am wishing my life away. And he is exactly right. I am paralyzed right now in a constant state of uncertainty. Am I? Or am I not?

Only one friend seems to know what I am going through right now. She also has been in my position and she has been so supportive. She knows just what to say and more importantly what NOT to say. I am latching on to her but I'm afraid to talk about it too much. I don't want her to grow tired of my rantings as well. I don't want to scare her away too.

And maybe people don't understand because I AM overreacting. But my miscarriage last year really knocked me down. It took all the joy and innocence out of pregnancy. It confirmed my worst fears and then some. I am just so rushed, I feel like a window is closing and that I must take action now. And each month that goes by where conception doesn't occur is another inch that the window has closed.