This Too, Shall Pass...and That Ain't Cool With Me

I hate the saying, "this too, shall pass". Because people say it like it's a positive thing. We should be living the moment instead of waiting for it to pass.

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I am not religious.  As in, I do not believe in God.  This always surprises people (well most people) since I am such a "good Christian girl".  I am not really spiritual either, but in my past when I was trying to get all in-tune with the world and myself I got into Buddhism.  There were two times in my life when I was really into being present, and I remember those times with such fondness.  The reason I turned to Buddhism was because I was miserable, as often happens when someone turns to religion.  I didn't like the reincarnation factor about Buddhism or any other of the real religiousy stuff, but I loved the whole mindfulness thing.  Being present in each of your moments is a hard task to accomplish.  You have to actually work at paying attention to NOW.  It's easy to reminisce about the past or think and worry about the future.  But actually paying attention to what you are doing NOW isn't easy.  The two times I really worked at mindfulness, I can remember with such clarity.  I remember the way the trees looked.  I remember the smell of the air.  I remember it all so well (and I have a horrible memory).  And each of the two times I got really into it, something wonderful happened. 

First time, I was in high school.  My grandmother had just died.  I hated my friends.  I hated the social aspect of high school.  I was sad all of the time.  Just absolutely miserable.  That was when I learned to let it all go and just be me (thanks to the help of the book "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach).  By being aware of what was going on, it helped me to just live instead of fret over who was my friend, what I was wearing, who I was (or more appropriately wasn't) dating.  It felt really freeing to just live.  I ditched the friends I hated.  I didn't make more, but I also didn't feel so trapped.  The next year I went to college and that was the best, most liberating time of my life, to date.

Second time,  I was in college.  I had just been dumped by my first real boyfriend.  The one I thought I would automatically marry.  I was devastated.  For a good 3 months I moped (and stalked, but that's a different post).  Again, I turned to Buddhism.  I bought a bunch of books and concentrated on the present.  I decided just to live and see what happened instead of lamenting my luck in romance.  Not a month later, I met my husband.  And I really think had I not been aware, I would have let him slip through my hands.  I wouldn't have noticed the boy who sat behind me in French class.  I would have been worrying too much about what had happened and what should have happened instead. 

So now that I am completely happy and in love with my little girl I am finding that I am already wishing for the future.  I am always like, well when she stops teething and when she starts walking she will sleep better.  When she's 18 months we can do this.  When she's 3 years old we can do that.  I need to start learning to be present and enjoying our lives NOW because pretty soon I will be wishing this time back and realizing that I was not fully present.  I want to remember this time the way I remember the other two times in my life when I was practicing mindfulness.  With CLARITY.

So, with that in mind, I am going to re-read some of my Buddhism books.  I love the theory of it all.  It makes so much sense.  You don't know what tomorrow brings.  The past is over.  So all you have is today.  Better learn to be present and aware.  So simple and yet so hard to truly practice.