Thanksgiving? I think not.

Last Saturday was the first time in a long time that I have truly been depressed. This sounds terrible, I suppose, but I felt sorry for myself for so many reasons. I was sick of being grateful for what I have. Sick of trying to be positive. The old me was shining through and I embraced it. I cried, I pouted, I yelled, I threw things. It was kind of fun, to be honest. I missed several days of my anti-depressant and self pity ensued.

So instead of always focusing on what I do have, let's see what I don't have:

1. So many of my friends have gorgeous homes and nice furniture. Sometimes I hate my house. My furniture is crap. Most of it isn't even real wood. I need a new dresser and a new couch but can't afford either one. How is it that girls my age have this much disposable income?

2. I'm fat. It's true. According to the charts I need to lose 25 pounds before I am acceptable. This is depressing. This makes me sick. This makes me ANGRY and despondent. For the rest of my life, I will struggle with my weight. I will be fat and I will also be the only girl who is eating carrots for lunch while everyone else is eating hamburgers and fries.

3. I'm not particularly pretty. And I've always wanted to be beautiful. This also sucks big time. It's supposedly not about looks, but being beautiful would certainly ease my pain a bit.

4. I'm supposedly good with money, but this is a falsehood. I owe approximately $30,000 to debtors right now and that does not include my home.

5. I want to have a baby but I'm probably going to have another miscarriage anyway. So why should I look forward to being pregnant?!

OK. Those are just some of the reasons I was feeling sorry for myself. I know this is a terrible, terrible way to be, but sometimes I get sick of trying so hard to focus on the positive. Yes, I know that my life is better than 99% of the world population. Yes, I know that I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, I know that saying these things makes me a bad person. But I am innately a negative person and sometimes it just has to shine through.

So, back on the anti-depressants with a vengeance. Because, apparently, this is no way to be. Karma will probably bite me back for saying all of this anyway...I'm sure I'll get what's coming to me eventually.