You are not the Biggest Loser

My work is doing "The Biggest Loser". There is a female division and a male division and the winner of each group gets $500. The winner is whoever loses the greatest percentage of weight. So, I am doing it. We weighed in last week and will weigh in again in early February and finally around the 1st of March. I thought I would easily win this thing, but now I am not so sure. A lot of the women purposely drank a lot of water before they weighed in the first time so that they'd have a higher starting weight. I was honest, and probably the only one. I'm really discouraged by this.

Plus, I have been following Weight Watchers to the tee for 2 weeks now and have only lost 2 pounds. I have been meticulously counting every calorie I put into my mouth. I am very frustrated, of course. It's going to be very embarrassing when my starting weight is only like 3 pounds more than my final weigh in.

I just don't know what to do. Several different girls have recently told me in secret that they weigh something like 130 or 140 pounds, like it is such a bad thing. I just feel really bad about myself when people do that. And then you tell them, well I weigh xxx pounds. Then they say, "but YOU aren't fat!" Ha ha...if I weigh 25-40 pounds MORE than they do and am the same height and they say they are disgustingly fat, then what does that make me?! If they honestly don't think I am fat (not likely), they have a terrible body image problem going on.

Note to all girls across America: Don't tell a friend who weighs more than you do that you are disgusted with your weight unless you are willing to admit that they have weight issues too. It's just dumb. It's a lie and you know it.

I guess I need to accept the fact that I weigh what I do. Sometimes I am fine with this. Other times not so much. Now is one of those times. Sometimes I just want to be smoking hot. Is that so bad?

Green is not a pretty color on me

It has been exactly one year since I had my miscarriage. Now when I see pregnant women I get angry. People are having babies all around me like it's just the easiest thing in the world to do. I am jealous. I am sad. I am worried.

I think I have aptly named my blog.

Sad

Our family dog is going to be put to sleep on Monday morning. This is sad news. I loved Spooky. DH and I even dog sat her for an entire year while my parents were building their new house. She is a good dog. She's 16 years old. Blind and deaf and probably in quite a bit of pain from arthritis, plus her teeth are all rotting out. It is the best for us to let her go. I will not go and say goodbye to her. I can't. I recently had that experience with my beloved cat, Remmy, and I just am not strong enough to withstand it another time. I will just chose to remember Spooky's good times. She used to get so excited that she couldn't stand it. All she knew how to do was to run around the yard in figure eights for like 30 minutes at a time. She'd get really low to the ground and just fly. Sometimes she'd nose a soccer ball around with her in those figure eights too. She was a good soccer player. In the summer my parents would always get her sheared. She looked so funny without all of her fur. I would laugh at her forever and she never could seem to figure out why. She was a hunter. She's killed tons of rabbits and birds and even a stray ground hog or two I believe. But she never tried to hurt a cat. We don't know why. I guess she just knew that they were off limits. She was good with cats. They bothered her to death but she never snipped at them. Not even once. Mutts are always the best dogs. So good natured and so gentle. I will miss her when she's gone.

Ho ho ho and mistletoe and presents for pretty girls...

It's Christmastime! I like shopping during this time of year. Well, I like shopping ANY time of the year, but this time is more festive, what with the lights and grumpy shoppers, fender benders, screaming snotty kids and Christmas carols. I take more of a consumerism approach towards the holiday, but still, I like the idea of it. I enjoy buying presents for my closest friends and family. It makes me feel good to buy gifts for people. It's majorly fun when you get a gift for someone just knowing that they will LOVE it. Or when you see something and think that is SO (insert name here)! Of course, I always end up buying more for myself than anyone else, but I'm just doing my part in boosting the economy, really.

Next weekend it's off to visit one side of my DH's family for Christmas. I can't say that I am looking forward to it. I bought my nieces gifts, but I am unsure what to do for the rest of the family. There is no set tradition with this family. Some years gifts are exchanged and some years they are not. It is left up to me to use my ESP skills to determine whether this year will be a gift-giving year or not. Oh yeah, I don't have any ESP skills. Drat! Giving gifts to people I do not know is not my cup of tea.

I got one niece this cute little girl's make-up kit and when I get home I see that it says not for use in children under 8. My niece is 3. Wonderful. She's still getting it. And the other niece I will be meeting for the first time. She's 4 months old and I don't think she cares about stuffed elephants, but that's what she's getting. It's appropriately marked for children under 6 months. Phew.

This time of year usually means extra pounds gained. But not this year, no sirree. Last week was week one on Weight Watchers for me. I lost 2.5 pounds even while being at my work's annual conference for most of the week surrounded by free food and booze. And then this week it all went to hell. I erroneously convinced myself that I was pregnant (another story) and was a little lax with the eating so I gained 1/2 pound back. That is OK. I am on my way down. This is good news. May week 3 be another week of loss. I went to the gym today for the first time in quite a while. It felt good. I was the only girl there! I came home and told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in the gym today. ;) Soon, I am going to start going to Zumba dance classes, which is kind of intimidating. A new friend of mine from work has a friend who teaches classes so I told her I'd go with her to them. I'm excited about that. Mainly about having a new friend at work more so than the aerobics class.

I have no closing paragraph. But I feel I should say something here. This is such an abrupt way to end my blog.

Thanksgiving? I think not.

Last Saturday was the first time in a long time that I have truly been depressed. This sounds terrible, I suppose, but I felt sorry for myself for so many reasons. I was sick of being grateful for what I have. Sick of trying to be positive. The old me was shining through and I embraced it. I cried, I pouted, I yelled, I threw things. It was kind of fun, to be honest. I missed several days of my anti-depressant and self pity ensued.

So instead of always focusing on what I do have, let's see what I don't have:

1. So many of my friends have gorgeous homes and nice furniture. Sometimes I hate my house. My furniture is crap. Most of it isn't even real wood. I need a new dresser and a new couch but can't afford either one. How is it that girls my age have this much disposable income?

2. I'm fat. It's true. According to the charts I need to lose 25 pounds before I am acceptable. This is depressing. This makes me sick. This makes me ANGRY and despondent. For the rest of my life, I will struggle with my weight. I will be fat and I will also be the only girl who is eating carrots for lunch while everyone else is eating hamburgers and fries.

3. I'm not particularly pretty. And I've always wanted to be beautiful. This also sucks big time. It's supposedly not about looks, but being beautiful would certainly ease my pain a bit.

4. I'm supposedly good with money, but this is a falsehood. I owe approximately $30,000 to debtors right now and that does not include my home.

5. I want to have a baby but I'm probably going to have another miscarriage anyway. So why should I look forward to being pregnant?!

OK. Those are just some of the reasons I was feeling sorry for myself. I know this is a terrible, terrible way to be, but sometimes I get sick of trying so hard to focus on the positive. Yes, I know that my life is better than 99% of the world population. Yes, I know that I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, I know that saying these things makes me a bad person. But I am innately a negative person and sometimes it just has to shine through.

So, back on the anti-depressants with a vengeance. Because, apparently, this is no way to be. Karma will probably bite me back for saying all of this anyway...I'm sure I'll get what's coming to me eventually.