Adventures in Being Awake at 3AM Continue...

It's official.  Jane is one.  We had her birthday party and despite the fact that none of my husband's family came, it was a great success.  (No, I'm not bitter.)  She had a wonderful day.  She woke up in a great mood...and it was like she just knew that day was her birthday party.  She loved showing off for everyone.  Jane loves people, so unlike her mother these days.

Anyway, last Tuesday was her actual birthday and that was the day I cracked.  I am chalking it up to a combination of PMS and consecutive nights of dismal sleep.  The night before her birthday she was all over the place.  She couldn't or wouldn't sleep.   And due to this fact, I simply snapped.  I don't know what went awry in my brain, but something in me just decided that this was unacceptable.  I am the parent of a one-year old who cannot sleep through the night.  Everyone else I know with babies (much younger than Jane, might I add) were complaining bitterly when their children woke just once during the night.  I was enraged.  Angry at these people for their petty complaints.  Oh boo hoo, you woke up ONE time.  You poor thing how will you ever make it?  And I was angry at Jane for making me feel so completely out of control.  I was desperate for sleep.  So desperate that once while I was driving to work I had to remind myself that I was in fact DRIVING and not in some weird limbo state between real life and la-la land.  I was literally seeing stars I was so tired. 

The worst part of it was that the morning of her birthday I was mean to her.  I did not tell her happy birthday.  I did not let her tag along behind me while I got ready.  I put her in her crib and let her scream and cry.  It's a horrible feeling but I didn't have anything left to give the poor child.  I left for work that morning without even saying good-bye to her. 

So my plan was to end it.  Not my life.  Not the co-sleeping.  But the night nursing.  We were going cold turkey.  I had to get ONE night of sleep.  It had been 365 days since I had slept more than 4 hours in a row.  I decided that I was going to spend the night with my parents AWAY from Jane and that my husband was going to take Jane.  It was up to him to deal with her.  I didn't care if he stayed up all night with her.  I had to get out.   I had to sleep. 

Well, 3 hours into my trial separation from Jane and right before I was about to drift off to a blissful 8 hours in a row, my husband called me.  Jane was hysterical.  She wouldn't sleep for him.  She couldn't catch her breath.  She missed me and I had to come home.  Well, I was in the car before he could finish his explanation.  Hearing her cry like that over the phone made me miserable.  I got home and she was despondent.  It took me a good hour to get her calmed down.  When she finally did fall asleep (3 hours after her normal bedtime) she was still shuddering from her cries.  I don't care how many people tell me that it's OK for her to cry.  Because it is NOT.  Not like that.  That was just wrong.

And now I feel as though I must insert that my husband is a good dad.  Jane loves her Dada.  He watches her every Wednesday and she loves it.  She takes naps for him quite easily.  He is an active father who helps out equally and has never once tried to get out of changing a poopy diaper.  There is just something in Jane that will not tolerate anyone but MOMMY after 6pm.  I must be the one to put her to sleep.  My husband cannot do it.  She will not allow it.  We've tried.  It has to be me.  Not Grammaw, not Dada.  MOMMY and only Mommy.  (poor mommy!!!!)

So after my big "meltdown" and decision to go away from Jane for one night and to night wean her, I am happy to say, I never got my 4+ hours of consecutive sleep and we are still nursing at night incessantly.  I am better now because we've had several nights of good (well, good for us) sleep.  But I'm not ready to commit myself to a week (or more?!) of no sleep that it is going to take to get her night weaned.  I don't know if I will ever be willing.  It's nice and easy to make a plan during the day and say you are going to stick with it no matter what.  But when it's 3AM and you haven't slept a wink and you have to go to work the next day (mind you I am an accountant and deal with MILLIONS of $$ every day), that plan quickly changes into "I must survive and will do whatever I have to just to get this child back to sleep".

What is the worst about this is that the day I was so miserable and completely unable to process any rational thought, I confided in a friend.  You know what I got?  "Answers".  Apparently, if I let her cry-it-out in a crib (yes for 6 hours in a row, it won't hurt her if she hyperventilates, throws up and faints) she will learn that she should give up and sleep.  I should also use white noise, put her to bed no earlier than 10pm and swaddle her (anyone ever try to swaddle a 1-year old?).  Gee, thanks for the tips "friend".  Nothing I was told was relevant but everyone in the world thinks they have the answers.  I guess when you complain like I do, people feel compelled to "help" you.  That's why I usually don't talk about my lack of sleep with my normal (eye roll) friends.  They really do drive me mad.  Especially because I know they think I am reaping what I sow for creating this "monster" that never sleeps. 

So, Jane is one.  We are still struggling with sleep.  And I still love her more than my next breath. 

My little birthday monster