Who am I?

I'm becoming a bit of an idiot. Pregnancy killed a lot of my brain cells. Sleep deprivation and adoring my daughter have killed off a lot more. I am not clever anymore (despite what you may believe, I used to think I was at least a little bit clever). I cannot gets words on to paper and get them to sound the way I want them to. I can't write what my brain is thinking because my brain is thinking, "duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" most of the time. I am a bit of a moron these days.

I don't really have a personal identity anymore. I am Jane's mommy and quite frankly I like it that way. I think my entire personality is in the process of changing. My likes and dislikes, my views of the world: all in a state of flux.

It's just weird what becoming a parent has done to me. I am not a very good friend anymore. I wasn't ever anyone's "best friend" but I could at least coherently carry on a conversation that wasn't about Jane. Now, not so much.

I used to look at children and truly be disgusted by them. I actively disliked them and I thought even less of their annoying parents. Now when I see a kid crying I think, "aw....they must be so tired, poor baby". WTH?! What has happened to me? I am now the most annoying parent on the planet. Three years ago me would have wanted to slap now me in the face.

Now I could say that I don't like the "new me", but that is wrong. I don't really care about the "new me". All I care about is Jane. This does sound unhealthy and I know I won't always be this way (will I?), but when you are nursing a baby you have this physiological connection to them. It's chemical I tell you. I can't really explain it, but even when I am wishing for some personal time alone and away from Jane I know in my heart that my body cannot take being away from her for any extended period of time.

Case in point: my husband and I's (is I's proper grammar?? no, probably not) best friend got married over the weekend. I love this guy. I want nothing more than to be at his wedding and enjoy myself and wish him and his bride the best. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave Jane behind for fear of messing up her delicate little sleep routine and I didn't want her to miss me two nights in a row. I didn't go to the rehearsal dinner. I did go to the wedding but much of the time was spent fighting a splitting headache caused by the stress of leaving Jane behind (like 10 minutes away with Grammaw).

It's just weird right now. Parenthood is just crazy weird. It changes you even when you are kicking and screaming swearing up and down that you won't become that parent. Still, you do. You eat your words every day and you love it too.

10/29/09

Today is the last Thursday I will come into my office and sit in front of the computer screen ALL DAY LONG. This time next week I will be able to take naps WITH Jane. I will be the one to change her diapers. I will be the one who takes her on walks. I will get to play with her and cuddle with her and talk to her and just adore her. I am going to get to see her 40% more than I do now. I am SO excited!!!

Things have been going very well. Jane started sleeping better because I accepted the fact that we were going to co-sleep and I couldn't "train" her to sleep in her crib. And then, just this last week, things have been getting worse again because she wakes up pumped and ready to go at like 2 am. It takes literally 2 hours to get her to go back to sleep for just another hour or so. It's brutal. But it won't be like this for long. And working part-time is going to help with this because on Thursday and Friday I will get to NAP WITH HER. And you better believe I am going to. (My sincere apologies to Housework and Dinner on the Table.)

Jane is six months old and then some. It's a bit sobering how quickly these six months have gone by. In one way I feel like I was pregnant with her about a decade ago. But then again, I can't possibly have a six-month old daughter! She's growing so fast I can seriously see it. She's an amazing girl. Not what I would call an easy baby but she's just my universe. I worship her.

My entire life since April has been about her. I can't really concentrate on anything that doesn't have to do with Jane. I have become "that Mommy" who I really loathed before I had my own. It's sobering when I think of all the things I said I would never do. I take them back. Oops. My bad.

On the brink of a meltdown

I don't know if I have posted about Jane's sleeping habits before, but my daughter does not sleep. It's killing me. I haven't gotten 3 hours of consecutive sleep in 12 weeks. The best I can hope for now is 2 hours in a row, and that is a good night (last night was NOT a good night).

I don't know what to do but I am close to a nervous breakdown over this. I need my sleep and I am not getting it. As a result, my immune system is pretty much shutting down. I just got mastitis for the second time this month. I haven't been taking care of myself like I should be simply because I am too tired.

How is one supposed to function on 2-3 hours of sleep per night?

There are no answers. My child is a super hero and her great power is not requiring sleep.

*******

That being said, I love her dearly and when she looks at me in the middle of the night with her beautiful eyes and smiles and coos at me I can't help but die a little every time. She is the love of my life, despite it all.

How do I get so lucky all the time?

I actually think my work is going to let me work part-time. I actually think I am going to get to stay home with Jane 2 days out of the week and that she will not need a sitter to watch her, but have family watch her every day of the week.

Since my last post, I have been trying my hardest to reduce our monthly expenses. I got our car/homeowner's insurance down by like $90/mo. We are refinancing our house (MAYBE, if the appraisal goes through), etc. etc. Just trying to cut costs down as far as we can get them. Well, even after all of that we still probably would not be able to make it on my DH's income alone, when I realized this week that when 2 of our lightbulbs went out we had already gone over my "let's pretend I am not working budget" and couldn't even afford a package of lightbulbs on DH's income alone.

As I had mentioned, I was thinking about working part-time but I thought that my work would totally not be for that. Well, I told my supervisor I was going to quit or that I'd be willing to work part-time. (I was halfway bluffing about quitting). He totally freaked out, went to our boss and told him, then our boss went to the CEO and now I am probably going to be able to work part-time AND THEY ARE GIVING ME A $10/hr RAISE. This means I will be working 3 days a week and not even losing that much money. I will lose my benefits, but I can totally deal with that. Now I will be able to afford health insurance through my husband's work.

I am not 100% sure that this is "final" but it seems like they are going to let me. This means I will get the best of both worlds: working and keeping my foot in the door (career-wise) and also staying home with Jane more than 50% of the week.

If this goes through I can avoid sending Jane to a sitter. My mom will continue to watch her 2 days a week, I will watch her 2 days and Jeremy will watch her 1 day after changing his schedule to 4-day weeks.

I am thrilled beyond belief. And also a little stunned. My luck just doesn't stop! If this happens, I seriously feel as though I have the best situation of any mommy out there EVER. I hate to boast, but I do have a seriously charmed life. ;)

Now please, please, please let this all be FINAL this week so I can start bragging to all of my friends. :-P

Sleep deprivation :(

The last month of my life has been pretty hard. Jane has stopped sleeping really well and has outgrown her bassinet. So, about 3 weeks ago we put her in her crib and that was horrible. She started getting up several times at night crying. So I put a mattress down in her room and would sleep in the room with her, but that was no good either because she still kept crying and needing to be coaxed back to sleep. She squirms herself awake all the time and you have to keep getting up to soothe her. Just this week I have started cosleeping with her on that mattress in the floor. Two nights ago it worked pretty well. Last night, not so much because she was still so squirmy. I love sleeping with her. It seems like the natural thing to do. But I am still very terrified that I am going to roll over on her or hit her with an elbow or smother her with a blanket. I don't sleep very well when she's with me. So, I am a zombie. The nights when I get about 4 hours or less of sleep are the worst. It wouldn't be SO bad if I could stay at home with her, but I have to go to work and use my brain all day and it's just awful. I've missed several hours of work because of this. And the hours that I am at work I sit and cry. I miss her. I hate being away from her. I have crunched the numbers but I can't stay home with her. I could swing it if I worked part-time but my work won't let me and I would lose my benefits anyway.

I am a mess. I do not want to send Jane to the sitter in November, but we are still going to. The thought of her being scared or not being able to nap without Grandma there really breaks my heart every day. It actually makes me physically sick to my stomach to think about it. And I think about it all the time. We still have over 2 months before we have to send her and it is on my mind nearly every hour. She can't take a nap on her own. What is she going to do? Oh it kills me to think of her scared and so tired but afraid to go to sleep.

Despite my problem with her at night, I will never sleep "train" this baby. Crying it out is NOT an option. I think it's close to child abuse although I know several mothers would whole-heartedly disagree with me. I don't care. I am not going to do it to my baby. It goes against every instinct in my body to let her cry. I just wonder how these poor little babies feel left in a cold crib, behind bars, crying out for comfort and it never coming. That kills me. If nothing else, Jane will know she is loved during the day AND during the night. And until she can talk to me and tell me what is wrong, I will wake up with her and be there for her.

So, sleep is my problem. My body needs 9 hours of sleep a day to do well. I am getting more like 3-5. It's one thing to say it and hear about it, but it's another to live it. It is killing me. Each night I pray that this is the night she sleeps for 6 hours in a row. But that seems VERY unlikely to me now.

One day this will pass, and I will miss my sweet baby Jane wanting to sleep with me. I just wish I could get by on so little sleep. I wish I could stay at home with her where I belong.

I love her so much it breaks my heart EVERY day.