Back to work. :(

I go back to work July 1 and I am getting more and more depressed about it as the days go by. Right now I am doing a little bit of work from home and even when I spend 2 hours away from Jane (mentally...physically she is in the other room) I feel like the worst mother in the world. It's like when I am not thinking of her and I come back to her I feel so GUILTY for not being "there" for her. How in the world am I going to go back to work? I keep thinking that once she gets a little older, her bedtime will be like 8 or 9, which means I will only see her a total of 3-4 hours a day. That's just ridiculous. I don't know if I can stand it!

The thought of her first laughter, walk, crawl, etc. away from me just BREAKS MY HEART. How can I leave this precious face?

Oh to be in love...

I think it's possible I love my new baby too much. I have fallen desperately, completely, head over heels in love with her and there is no going back. She has stolen my heart and my soul. It is a wonderful feeling and also completely scary at the same time. She is SO PRECIOUS. Everything she does is miraculous to me. I can already tell she's grown up so much in the 5 weeks she's been here. It makes me sad. She will grow up so fast. I am trying my hardest to enjoy every second I have with her. I go back to work on July 1. This makes me sick to my stomach. I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE HER. EVER. I would give both of my pinky toes if I could afford to stay home with her. Unfortunately, that isn't possible. I guess I should concentrate on the time I do have with her, but at night all I can think about is how much I desperately want to stay at home with her. :'(

Here are some pics. I can't resist...

Introducing Jane Elizabeth

Jane Elizabeth was born on April 20, 2009 at 10:51 a.m. after 16 hours of labor. She weighed 8 pounds and 15 3/4 ounces. (Why they didn't just round up to 9, I don't know.) She was 21.5 inches long and had a full head of RED hair!

FOUR Sundays ago and DH and I were getting ready for our week. I had diarrhea on and off that day so I was hopeful that maybe something was happening since that can sometimes be a sign that labor is imminent. I didn't really think it was, but still...it was something. We went to Kroger to do our grocery shopping for the week. I felt completely normal. Got home and started making dinner. I was making the fruit salad. Standing for a while often makes my back ache, especially when 9 months pregnant. So, I sat down for a while and felt a slight pressure over my bladder. Nothing unusual until...GUSH. My water broke. I could NOT believe it. We weren't ready. DH didn't even have his bags packed. I ran to the bathroom and more water came out. I FREAKED out and was so nervous. I had DH call L&D to tell them we were coming in and we frantically packed the last of my things and took off. By the time we got to L&D I had convinced myself that it was a false alarm. But they took me in and got me hooked up to some machines and right before the nurse was going to check me a HUGE gush of water came out and that's when I said, "oh shit, I KNOW my water just really broke." It was like Niagara Falls. She used that little strip thing that tells if it's amniotic fluid and it immediately turned blue. I was in labor. OMG....At this point it was about 7:30 p.m. I was 1.5 cm and 70% effaced. I had a LONG way to go.

My biggest fear was that I would not be able to walk around and that my labor would not progress and that I would end up with Pitocin to augment things. I did NOT want Pitocin. I made that much clear, so she said that the doctor was giving me until 6 a.m. to progress on my own. But since my water broke, I could not walk around for fear of a prolapsed cord. I was stuck in that uncomfortable labor bed for good. It took a while for my contractions to really get going. At first they were so very manageable. I remember thinking that it wasn't so bad and that I could totally manage labor without an epidural. And I did pretty good too. The next time they checked me I was 4 cm dilated. Yay!!! The contractions were slowly getting stronger so I was pretty confident that I was going to have this baby on my own, without any Pitocin. Around 4 a.m. the contractions started getting pretty intense. The days of "breathing" through them were over. I started tensing up and shaking with every one. I couldn't take it. I requested the epidural. After I requested it I had to wait about an hour to actually get it and that hour was the worst of my labor. The woman who gave me the epidural was like 80 years old. And it actually hurt quite a bit. First of all, I was having the most intense contractions and had to be completely still while they stuck a needle in my back. That was hard to do! Second, the epidural sends these shocks down your legs and that was pretty scary. The pain from the needles and medication wasn't really bad but it was definitely a weird pinching sensation that I did not like at all.

So the last bit of my labor was spent almost pain free. The epidural worked better on the right side and that leg was completely DEAD. The left side took a little longer to get totally numb and I was feeling contractions on that side of my body for a while. But they got me fixed up eventually. The baby's heart rate never decreased and my blood pressure was stable. Yay! I think about 2 hours later I was dilated to 8 and another 2 hours later I was ready to push. I couldn't believe it when she told me I was ready. But before I could push I had to "labor down", which meant I sat upright for about a half hour. This got the baby lower in the birth canal so my pushing wouldn't be as hard.

Pushing was the best part of the labor. I got to see her head coming out! They put a mirror down there and that was so cool. Of course, I couldn't concentrate very much on pushing with that mirror there so I only looked one or two times. That was pretty cool. By the time the doctor came in I had been pushing for a little while and she was getting close to coming out. I barely remember him coming in the room, but I am really glad I got the doctor I did to deliver me. He made me feel calm in a strange way. (Oh yeah and earlier in the labor he came in to check me and I told him, "you smell nice"...heh heh....I think I embarrassed him, but he really did smell nice.) I didn't have to push very long. Maybe 20 minutes or so. I didn't feel any pain from the pushing but I did feel pressure. It was hard work but I finally felt like I was doing something. My husband and my mom got to see the whole process. They said there was a lot of blood and at the very end, when she came out a huge amount of blood squirted all over the doctor. I missed that part. I was just in shock that I pushed out a 9 pound baby with relative ease. I did tear and had to get stitches. I had a second degree tear.

So the baby is out and on my stomach at 10:51 am and I am in SHOCK. I just couldn't believe it. Her head was turned away from me on my stomach so I just focused on her ears. They were totally flattened against her head and were so tiny and delicate looking. She didn't breathe right away. Well, I think she did, but she was having trouble. So they took her over to the warming table and got her all fixed up. When they brought her back to me I got to try out breastfeeding and got to see her for the first time. Her cheeks were HUGE. I couldn't believe it. It wasn't exactly love at first site but more like SHOCK at first site. I knew I loved her, but I was just so shocked by what had just happened that I couldn't really take her in properly. Also, they kept saying she had red hair, but I didn't really think she did. (I was wrong...she has red hair).

I don't really remember what happened next. I think I attempted to breastfeed for a while and then they finally took her to the nursery to be checked by a pediatrician. I got to eat (after about 24 hours of no eating...mmm, the BEST hamburger ever) and then they wheeled me to my recovery room. I stayed in that room for the next two days attempting to nurse and sleep. I failed pretty bad at both of those things. The nursing was much harder than I thought it was going to be. She had trouble latching on at first. In the end, we got it, but it took about 15-20 minutes of "trying" before she would latch every time. The sleeping was harder. I was so wired that I could not sleep despite being completely out of my mind exhausted. I think I got about 6 hours of sleep the entire time I was in the hospital.

So there is my birth story, a month after she was born. I have to be honest and say that the first two weeks at home were not very good. I suffered from the baby blues in a bad way. I was scared to death of my new baby and completely overwhelmed by having her in the house with us. I felt like I loved her too much and was terrified every time she cried. I have never been around babies much in my life and being around her was a definite wake up call. Babies are so much work and that work NEVER ENDS. Now, after a month, I am really loving being a mother. She is a very good baby and I love her more than is possible. Each day with her I can tell that she's growing. She's already the love of my life and she hasn't even realized she has hands yet. :)

Dude....I'm gonna be somebody's MOMMY

I am going to have a baby soon! Like, really soon. In just one month, I will be a MOTHER for sure.

Oh.
My.
God.

Amazing.

It's hitting me big time right now. How bizarre that I will have a daughter. I will be entirely responsible for her health and well being. I will be her primary care giver. The one person she needs more than anyone else. I will be her mommy. Somebody is going to call me MOMMY!

Wow. It's just unbelievable. This time last year I was freaking out over never getting pregnant and never becoming a parent. I was FIXATED on it. I never thought I would be in this position. I really didn't.

I am so grateful.

My life is never going to be the same again. And I am happy for it. I am not one to use the word "blessed", but I am.

Jane, I cannot wait to see your little face and hold you in my arms for the first time. So, with that being said, please come out. Like, now. Seriously.

Time is standing STILL

I have now caught up at work so well that I am actually ahead. That's great....but now I am BORED BORED BORED during the day.

So now that I am bored to death, with absolutley nothing to do with myself but wait for the baby, I am going to write a bunch of meaningless, nothing blogs to keep myself occupied. Once the baby gets here I am betting I won't be writing nearly as much, although at that time I will probably have tons more interesting to say.

I haven't had many dreams about my baby this pregnancy. But recently, I have had a few and they are DISTURBING. In every dream, something is majorly wrong with her. But it always ONLY has to do with her looks. Last night I dreamt she was just like an alien...weird notches in her head and HUGE floppy ears. And I didn't like her. I was scared of her because of the way she looked. This bothers me. I guess I'm pretty shallow and just hoping she "looks" normal. I don't know. I hate the waiting.

My patience level has dropped off to nothing now. (Not that I was ever super patient.) Everything my husband does gets on my nerves. I mean, I have no reason for this. He is doing nothing wrong. But, I am just so irritable I want to wring his neck! I guess it's hormones. But I am so uncomfortable all of the time that I can't sleep, I can't sit, I can't lie on the couch. I can't do ANYTHING without feeling miserable and quite pathetic.

And my self esteem right now is in the gutter. My work had a going away party for a co-worker of mine and pictures were taken. I got myself all made up and thought I was looking pretty cute. Boy was I wrong. The pictures show an entirely different story. Now, I know I am pregnant and I have a big belly. I am totally fine with my belly/ass/hips being ginormous. It's my face that sets me back. I have a fat, bloated pregnancy face at this point and it makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH to see. I don't know why I don't notice it when I look in the mirror. It's only on film that I look this way (in my delusional mind, that is). And then while at this party, a co-worker said, "your hands are really swollen, aren't they?" Uh....NO!!!!! I certainly don't think they are. Guess they are just fat. Gee, thanks for that! It's very disheartening to see how I look. ESPECIALLY when you compare yourself to other preggo's who looked like supermodels with the exception of their cute little baby bumps their entire pregnancies. You know...the ones who get the pregnancy "glamour shots" taken...looking off into the distance holding their cute little tummies with nothing but a sheet draped around their petite little frames, covering their breasts with their hands. Excuse me while I go vomit.

I think I would just like to go hide until she gets here. I just want her to GET HERE so that I can move on with my life. Jeremy and I are completely motionless right now. We are stuck until Jane comes.