Some Random Thursday

It's 9:30 on a Thursday evening and my husband and Jane have been asleep for 2 hours.  I've been wasting time on Facebook, straightened the house, and even got a 30 minute workout in on the treadmill.  I feel GOOD!  I wonder how much I weigh.  Surprisingly, I haven't weighed myself in at least a month.  I used to weigh myself every day.  Of course, that was when I was dieting and delighted in the scale.  I currently weigh probably 10 pounds less than I did when I got pregnant.  Pretty good, but I've still got a good 15 pounds to go before I get to an acceptable weight.  25 if we're talking goal weight.  I worked out on the treadmill in only my bra and panties.  Luckily there aren't too many mirrors in the room, but I got a look at myself in one mirror and I don't guess I look that bad if you sort of blur your vision a bit.  ;)

And speaking of PANTIES, I bought some new ones!  2 pairs of lacy Daisy Fuentes hipsters (not hers, but her brand) that actually do NOT ride up my ass all day and a 3-pack of Jockey french-cut COTTON panties.  I'd never worn Jockey's before.  These are pretty acceptable.  They are comfortable and yet not entirely granny.  I'd say they are appropriate for a gal in her early 30's.  Well, at least a married gal with a 15-month old.  Enough about panties.

Now on to my chronic worry problem.  Yes, it's still there.  If you met me on the street you'd think I was totally normal.  Maybe a bit chatty, but basically normal.  Inside I am a giant ball of nervousness.  I am constantly on edge.  There is this terminal gnawing in my stomach.  I guess it's dread.  And it's all to do with Jane.  I will tell you it's because of her food allergy that I am like this, but I realize that if it wasn't that, it would be something else.  I just constantly worry about her.  I can never relax and just BE.  On the way home from the store today I seriously thought about getting some counseling.  I should probably get some "help" although in the past it's never gotten me far.  My family will all say I should just TAKE MY ZOLOFT.  I don't know why I won't do that.  Seriously, I will take a Zoloft one day and then forget for 5 days to take it again.  I guess I should give it a try for a few weeks and see if it really will make a difference.  I am just so annoyed with the way I am.  It is in my genes to be like this.  I was BORN nervous and worried.  I envy my mother who simply enjoys things as they come.  She never assumes.  She has faith that things will just work out.  I, however, do not.  And it's quite impossible to just force yourself to be positive, happy-go-lucky and carefree.  Quite.  I mean, I know all parents worry about their children.  But not the way I do.  Trust me.  I'm loco.

Well, the downfall of working out in the evening is that it gets me pumped up and I have trouble falling asleep.  It's currently 10:00 and I am not sleepy despite waking up with Jane at 5:30 am (egad!) this morning.  But if I don't work out in the evenings, I just don't work out ever.  Them's the breaks.  I'm off to shower and then read a little.  Wish me luck on the whole sleep thing.  I only have ONE HALF of an Ativan left and no plan on how to score more.  No, I am not a drug addict.  It's just hard to get your doctor to prescribe you those little gems (which are safe for nursing, the best news I have had all year long, almost).  In fact, I treasure these little pills so much that I got a pill-cutter and cut mine in fourths just to last me longer.  I get the highest dose prescribed to me when really I don't need one that high.  I'm smart like that.

Here's my baby. 

Good night.