In an attempt to take a look at my anxiety I have been thinking a lot about where it originates from. I'm pretty sure I have been this way my entire life. I've been recalling several instances in my life where my anxiety ruled.
For instance, take my bad association with movie theaters.
The very first time I can remember going to the movies was with my dad. I had to be probably 3 years old. It was a Muppet Movie. I remember at some point Kermit was getting on a train and leaving his friends behind. I don't recall the reason, but I do recall being very sad at this prospect. So sad that I started crying and couldn't stop. My dad had to carry me out of the theater. I never got to see the happy ending that I'm sure would have come if I had just waited it out like the other 3 year olds. It was too much for me to bear thinking that Kermit was just simply going to go away for good. I couldn't see the bigger picture. Of course, I was 3 so maybe that had something to do with it.
Another time I remember going to the movies with an older friend. She was 3 years older than I was and she was sort of my "baby sitter" for the day. I thought I was totally cool going to the movies without my parents. Hmm...I'm guessing I was around 7 or 8. So we get in the theater and I am munching on some popcorn during the previews. That's when I ate a piece of burnt popcorn. It tasted funny. I didn't know what it was. In my mind, I created a scenario where the concession stand workers put exactly one piece of poisoned popcorn in the bin. It was sort of a game to them. Let's see who we can kill today. And I so happened to get this poisoned piece of popcorn. At age 7 I started crying, assuming that I was about to die in a matter of minutes. Luckily, my older friend simply told me that it was no big deal. She got burnt pieces of popcorn like that before too. She didn't make fun of me either. What a relief. She's still my friend today. :)
Those are two big instances that I can recall that pretty much tainted movie going for me for quite some time. From that point forward, once I got in the movie theater I could create several catastrophe scenarios. I would imagine that the outside world was being hit by tornadoes or bombs while I was safely tucked in the theater. Once the movie was over I'd leave and almost be surprised that everything was as it was before the movie began. I half expected to come out of the movie theater only to find a post Apocalypse world. Buildings smashed, people lying dead in the streets, trees split to smithereens, my family gone without a trace. How did I know? You can't see outside. Who knows what was going on out there?!
Many instances I would get a mini-panic attack when the previews started. The loud noise in the theater disturbed me. It got my heart beating and exacerbated my panic cycle. I thought several times that I was going to freak out in the theater and have to leave or that I was losing my mind. Now I know that I was just having a little panic episode. At the time, I thought I was going crazy.
Today I still get that little bit of fear as a movie starts. Am I going to have another panic attack? Usually, I don't. But occasionally, that little big of dread sneaks in and I have to calm myself down. This is the story of my life.
1 comment:
the first movie I remember seeing in the theater was Peter Pan and I sat with my feet and legs up on the chair because I wasn't going to let that damn crocodile eat me. I was convinced it was a live action sort of thing and the floor would be water.....
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