I'm a Bad Parent Completely in Love with My Baby

I'm a bad mommy.  I am.  I have been getting frustrated with Jane at night and I've been mean to her.  I feel horrible about it.  But when she wakes up from 2:30 to 4:00 to play with my hair I become distraught and impatient.  I can't take it.  I am rough with her and keep trying to get her to lie back down.  I say curse words.  I yell.  She doesn't get that I am being mean to her.  That makes it even sadder.  Last night in a moment of desperation my well-meaning husband took her in her crib (again) and let her cry for a little while.  Futile effort.  There is no way in 100 years that she would just say, "OK I am never in my crib, but I can see that Daddy is mad.  He must want me to sleep.  I will sit down, stop crying and go to sleep in this weird contraption."  I came back in there and she was standing at the crib screamcrying.  When she saw me she started jumping (literally...I didn't know she could JUMP) and screaming "mamamamamamama".  Um...heartbreaking!!!  I picked her up and took her back to bed with me.  She did go back to sleep after about another 15 minutes.  Sometimes she needs to cry in order to get worn out enough to go to back to sleep. 

...sigh...

I still toy with the idea of crying-it-out from time to time, despite my utter hatred of that method.  I just can't follow through with it.  I seriously think I would die of heartbreak before she finally gave in to her screaming sobs and just fell asleep on her own.  There has to be a better way.  Well, there is.  It's co-sleeping, but it obviously isn't working either. 

Whatever. 

She'll sleep soon enough...(in a year or so??).  Usually these horrendous nights are followed by 2-3 good ones that allow me to regroup.

So that is why I am a bad parent.  Each day I tell myself I won't get frustrated with her.  I will keep my cool.  Be patient.  Each night I fail miserably.  We had a good week (or half-week) there.  The good nights somehow erase the bad ones.  And the bad ones make you think it's never gonna get better and that you are going to end up in the loony bin first.

In other Jane news, she is the most precious being alive (according to me).  She has started saying "bye bye" when somebody leaves out the front door.  It is so adorable because she has this tiny itty bitty voice and says, "baa! baa-baa".  She's already got the southern accent down, although I have always said to her bie-bie.  Must just come natural somehow.  I still can't get her to wave bye-bye.  Sometimes she gets confused on what I am trying to get her to do and will clap instead.  (Adorable!)

She took ONE step the other day but them promptly fell down.  I do still think it will be some time before she starts walking.  She can cruise like nobody's business and can do this really agile "side walk" when holding on to the couch.  She can also stand on her own for a good minute until she realizes that she is standing on her own and will promptly squat down again. 

She will give kisses if in the right mood.  Her giving kisses consists of sticking her open mouth against your cheek.  It is the highlight of my day.  And I may be stretching the truth on this one because she hasn't done it consistently yet.  But yesterday when I said "give mama kisses" she did it.  Sooooo...in my book that is a new skill.

Lastly, we have been playing a game with her in the evenings of "I'm gonna get you" and she loves it.  She will start to crawl down the hall and turn around, anticipating me saying "ahmonnagitter" which is baby speak for I'm gonna get her.  I crawl a little bit towards her, say it again, and she squeals in delight.  Then she will turn around and crawl a little more as if trying to get away, I'll say it again, she squeals and laughs and cackles squirming to get away.  To me, I have died and gone to heaven because this is the best thing I've ever witnessed in my life.  When I take my showers in the evening her Daddy will play this with her as she crawls to see me in the bathroom.  I can hear her cackling the whole way down the hall.  It's priceless.  They will play that game going back and forth to the bathroom until I get out. 

Ah, she is my life.  I am actually scheduling a photographer to take some pictures of her some time next month.  It will be pricey, but I can't resist.  We haven't had any professional pics done EVER.  Maybe we can squeeze a family shot in there too.  I want them in time for her first birthday party.  I just can't decide if I want outdoor shots or indoor shots...decisions, decisions...

I am grateful to have my precious Jane in my life.  Despite how hard it can be at times.  The day she was born was the first day of my life.  My awakening, if you will.  And yes, I really do know how cheesy that sounds, but I said it anyway, so there.