You Probably Don't Want to Hear Me Wallow in Self-Pity...but...

I am hating winter so much right now I could cry.  Seriously, I am that close to crying about even MORE SNOW.  February sucks so bad I really wish I could punch it in the guts.  The thought of spring (green grass, little buds on the trees, my day lilies starting to sprout, walking outside with Jane, smelling that new air) really does make me physically ill.  I think I am suffering from S.A.D.  I've missed some work because of the weather and if I miss work, I don't get paid.  For those who don't know, not getting paid isn't good.

I HATE IT!!!!!! 

I'm booking a trip to Destin in late May but even that can't cheer me up.  It doesn't help that I am fatter than a rhinocerous and thinking of having to bare my skin in the glorious sun in front of all to see makes me feel weird in my stomach....but not weird enough to actually diet or lose weight, of course.  In fact, I don't really care that other people will be seeing me all gross and Fatty McFatfat.  What I care about are the pictures.  Those don't go away.  I somehow picture myself as being totally hot and in shape in my 30's and having Jane see me the way I am now in pictures makes me embarrassed.  MY mom was thin when she was my age.

In case you couldn't tell, I am in a super bad mood today.  Nothing can cheer me.  Not even the fact that Lost comes on tonight.  Blah, who cares.  Maybe this stems from the fact that I have been up with Jane since 3:30 am just because she decided she wanted to be up (for the record she HAD been sleeping much better the last 3-5 nights).  I don't know.  But I am in one of those moods where I hate everyone.  Seriously, I hate the world.  That isn't nice, is it? 

But do you ever WANT people to dislike you?  Just because you feel so rotten?  You feel so annoyed at everything.  The fact that someone doesn't like you actually makes you feel somehow vindicated.  I don't get PMS (honest!), but this is one of those rare times that I would be up for a fight.  You don't like me?  SAY IT TO MY FACE.  PLEASE!!!! Because I would so like to bitch you out. 

Not YOU.  (the world)

And then I go and read someone's blog whose pregnancy ended at 16 weeks and I am even madder than I was before.  What a rotten deal.  And then I go and read someone else's blog who lost a baby (named JANE) several months after she was born.  what?!  This is horrendous.  All it does is make me even angrier at the world.  Perhaps on a better day I would be sad, but today I am just LIVID about all the injustice in the world.  In case you haven't noticed, there is a lot of it floating around.

And thus ends my bitch-fest.  I am not an unhappy person (what? can't you tell?).  I just sometimes get mad and it feels soooo good to write it all out.  That's why all the good songs are sad or angst ridden.  Happy doesn't make for good music (or for much inspiration to blog).