Once Upon a Time...

Once upon a time I really loved cats.  As soon as I graduated college the first thing I wanted was an orange kitten.  I got one and I loved him so much.  Remmy was like my child.  I would often call my mom and tell her the cute little things he did just as I do now with Jane.  Being the good mother that she is, she would ooh and aah with me.  Remmy was my love for four years.  But close to his 4 year birthday, Remmy died.  It was a sudden illness and we had to put him to sleep.  That was probably the hardest thing I've ever done.  It trumps even my miscarriage.  It was horrible.  I loved that cat with every inch of my being.  The day we put him to sleep I never stopped sobbing.  It brought me to my knees, literally.  I stayed up all night reminiscing with my husband about our precious kitty.  Soon thereafter, I started volunteering at our local no-kill shelter and I got a new kitten to "replace" Remmy.  He did heal my heart and I loved my kitties again.

My beloved Remmy

And then, a few years later, I slowly distanced myself from our three cats. It wasn't even intentional. I didn't want to get burned again so badly, I guess.  I got pregnant and had a miscarriage and then all of a sudden our cats didn't matter.  In fact, they were a nuissance. 

When I got pregnant again and it looked as though that pregnancy was going to stick, I started worrying about our cats.  Not about their welfare, but about how we were going to have a baby in a small house with three meddlesome cats.  We started locking them in our (large) utility room at nights.  Butters meowed all night.  He woke us up.  I thought we were going to have to get rid of him and worried about that more than I should have. 

Well, then comes Jane and now the cats really don't matter.  AT ALL.  In their defense, they have done surprisingly well with her.  We no longer lock them up at nights and generally, they stay out of the way.  My fears of them jumping in bed with her were unwarranted.  But like I said, I just don't like them anymore.  I can't tell you why.  I just have no love for them in my heart.  We returned my heart-healer kitty to the LIFE House from where he came and he now has a great owner.  But we still have our other two giant kitties and I don't want them.  They are nothing more than a nuissance in my life.  And I don't even feel sorry for them at all.  I often wish that they would just die silently at night.  This sounds horrible.  I sound so heartless, but it's the way things are.  Now don't get me wrong, they are not mistreated.  They just aren't loved the way you think that pets should be. 

It's weird how you can love something (admittedly Remmy was my most loved and dearest pet) so completely and then turn around a few years later and not really care.  I guess maybe that's how some marriages dissolve??? You just wake up one day and don't love anymore.  Or maybe this is normal when babies are born.  The love of your child trumps the love of a pet so completely that it seems that "pet-love" isn't there anymore.  That can't be true because I know of tons of people who have children and still completely love their pets.  Maybe I am heartless.  Or maybe I only have so much love to give. 

Whatever it is...does anyone want two giant, needy, annoying cats who used to be my life?