Our Christmas card this year.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
I'm a Mother of Two
Reading through my last posts and it seems like a lifetime away. I am a mommy again. To a beautiful little girl named Kate Elise. Kate is already 8 months old and has turned my life upside down the same way Jane did. She was born the day after Thanksgiving. She has a condition called Congenital Hypothyroidism which landed her in the NICU due to extremely high bilirubin levels a few days after she initially came home from the hospital. You think I was too worried about Jane, eh? Kate's hypothyroidism is easily controlled but at first it was horrifying. While we were in the NICU I lost 20 pounds. In 3 days. It was bad.
But that is all in the past. She is absolutely thriving. Started crawling at 7 months old, she's got 6 teeth, babbles up a storm and smiles ALL THE TIME. She was 9 lbs 3 oz when she was born so she beat Jane by 3 oz. She's a chunky little thing born with a head full of dark hair that is now turning blonde. Blue eyes. She adores her sister, Jane.
Jane did extremely well and is still doing extremely well with being a big sister. The nights I was in the hospital and then the NICU with Kate I didn't see Jane at all. That was terribly hard on me. I cried about missing Jane and feeling guilty a lot. Jane suffered, but she did great with her Grandma and Grandpa. She's a trooper. She'll be going to preschool this fall. Two days a week for 3 hours at a time. Then she will go back to Miss Marie's (who is excellent...I doubted her before, but we really do like her now) for the rest of the day. I am still working 3 days a week. Mom watches Kate for those 3 days but Jane goes to Miss Marie's.
I love my life and my children but to say it is hectic is an understatement. I am incredibly stressed out with having two beautiful little girls who depend on me for everything. They are both so young right now that I get NO time to myself. I know this is fleeting. I am in a very tough yet wonderful period in my life. I am trying to enjoy it but just keeping the household together is so hard. We've done well this summer getting out a lot (relatively speaking). I get overwhelmed A LOT though. Stopped my Zoloft again. Didn't think it was helping.
We're putting the house on the market soon. My dad had back surgery 3 weeks ago. DH is getting his master's degree (against my wishes). Jane will also be going to dance one night a week starting soon. It's life and a lot is going on but I am enjoying it...mostly.
I ADORE MY TWO GIRLS.
But that is all in the past. She is absolutely thriving. Started crawling at 7 months old, she's got 6 teeth, babbles up a storm and smiles ALL THE TIME. She was 9 lbs 3 oz when she was born so she beat Jane by 3 oz. She's a chunky little thing born with a head full of dark hair that is now turning blonde. Blue eyes. She adores her sister, Jane.
Jane did extremely well and is still doing extremely well with being a big sister. The nights I was in the hospital and then the NICU with Kate I didn't see Jane at all. That was terribly hard on me. I cried about missing Jane and feeling guilty a lot. Jane suffered, but she did great with her Grandma and Grandpa. She's a trooper. She'll be going to preschool this fall. Two days a week for 3 hours at a time. Then she will go back to Miss Marie's (who is excellent...I doubted her before, but we really do like her now) for the rest of the day. I am still working 3 days a week. Mom watches Kate for those 3 days but Jane goes to Miss Marie's.
I love my life and my children but to say it is hectic is an understatement. I am incredibly stressed out with having two beautiful little girls who depend on me for everything. They are both so young right now that I get NO time to myself. I know this is fleeting. I am in a very tough yet wonderful period in my life. I am trying to enjoy it but just keeping the household together is so hard. We've done well this summer getting out a lot (relatively speaking). I get overwhelmed A LOT though. Stopped my Zoloft again. Didn't think it was helping.
We're putting the house on the market soon. My dad had back surgery 3 weeks ago. DH is getting his master's degree (against my wishes). Jane will also be going to dance one night a week starting soon. It's life and a lot is going on but I am enjoying it...mostly.
I ADORE MY TWO GIRLS.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Thursday, 6/16/11
Grandma is still on vacation. Here is my e-mail to her tonight:
Jane was so sweet this evening. She was in such a good, HAPPY mood. We clipped the end of her second to last tucky. She got the sad face and cried a little but we threw it away together and she didn't ask for it while we were in bed!
She's listening to the stories in books more now. We have been reading Baby Dear and she requests it by name. "Mommy we read Baby Dear now?" She really likes it.
Our goodnight routine took about an hour but it was so funny to just sit and listen to her. She was so happily wound up. She would sing different songs, "if you're sad say boo hoo. BOO HOO! if you're happy say hooray. HOORAY!" The way she says "round and round" for wheels on the bus is UH-doe-bul! She even does the hand motions to match. She was just jabbering and singing away and oh she melts my heart. At one point when she knew I was getting serious about going to sleep she started falling asleep too. I noticed her eyes opening and closing and I couldn't help myself so I kissed her right on the mouth/cheek. After that she did it to ME about 2-3 times, very shyly (or slyly) waving at me. She fell asleep shortly after that.
OH my goodness I am so in love with this beautiful, happy little girl.
She told me tomorrow that she didn't want me to stay home with her, but she wanted to go to Miss Marie's. :)
She also told us that she had to go to timeout today but we can't figure out what for. Lol. She could be making that up, but I don't know.
She's the happiest kid on the block for sure. And I am the happiest mommy.
Jane was so sweet this evening. She was in such a good, HAPPY mood. We clipped the end of her second to last tucky. She got the sad face and cried a little but we threw it away together and she didn't ask for it while we were in bed!
She's listening to the stories in books more now. We have been reading Baby Dear and she requests it by name. "Mommy we read Baby Dear now?" She really likes it.
Our goodnight routine took about an hour but it was so funny to just sit and listen to her. She was so happily wound up. She would sing different songs, "if you're sad say boo hoo. BOO HOO! if you're happy say hooray. HOORAY!" The way she says "round and round" for wheels on the bus is UH-doe-bul! She even does the hand motions to match. She was just jabbering and singing away and oh she melts my heart. At one point when she knew I was getting serious about going to sleep she started falling asleep too. I noticed her eyes opening and closing and I couldn't help myself so I kissed her right on the mouth/cheek. After that she did it to ME about 2-3 times, very shyly (or slyly) waving at me. She fell asleep shortly after that.
OH my goodness I am so in love with this beautiful, happy little girl.
She told me tomorrow that she didn't want me to stay home with her, but she wanted to go to Miss Marie's. :)
She also told us that she had to go to timeout today but we can't figure out what for. Lol. She could be making that up, but I don't know.
She's the happiest kid on the block for sure. And I am the happiest mommy.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I Miss Her - Common Thursday Theme
I really, really miss Jane today. I left her at Miss Marie’s this morning and I just feel uneasy about it. #1, the kiddie pool had water in it this morning. Marie told me she emptied it after every use. I do not care that she left water in the pool. It’s totally fine with me if Jane gets in this water. It’s just that Miss Marie told me she does otherwise. What else is she misleading me about? #2, she nonchalantly told me that she gave Jane one of another kid’s Puffs the other day. It’s fine to give her a Puff. She can have Puffs. BUT, she isn’t supposed to have ANY food I don’t send with her. Gerber Puffs have a huge list of ingredients. I know she didn’t read through all of them to make sure egg wasn’t listed. What else is she giving her? Is she giving her food she is allergic to? And I am mad at myself because I didn't even say anything to her. I should have. I just felt like it was awkward timing. Now it's going to be even more awkward when I bring it up NEXT Tuesday, if I even do. I'm chicken shit.
Why is childcare so hard?
And when I left I was in a bit of a hurry and Jane so sweetly waved bye to me and I just feel like I didn’t get a proper hug and a kiss and this has thrown my entire day off so far. I just can’t convey to anyone how in love I am with my kid. I am assuming other mothers understand, but it always catches me off guard how much I love this little girl. When I see her after I’ve left her for a while it is the biggest sense of relief. She is such a site for sore eyes, I physically feel it in my stomach. At night, when I lie down next to her in bed I squeeze her little legs, I stare at her, and kiss her sweet cheeks for probably 30 minutes before I can even consider falling asleep myself. She has become my entire reason for existence. Is that healthy? I don’t care. It’s the way things are.
Miss Marie told DH the other day about what a joy it is to watch Jane. This was an unsolicited bit of information too. Jane is so GOOD and sweet. She has not once had a timeout. Even if she were the timeout queen I would still adore her, but I have to brag. She is the best! Miss Marie even says so. ;)
Why is childcare so hard?
And when I left I was in a bit of a hurry and Jane so sweetly waved bye to me and I just feel like I didn’t get a proper hug and a kiss and this has thrown my entire day off so far. I just can’t convey to anyone how in love I am with my kid. I am assuming other mothers understand, but it always catches me off guard how much I love this little girl. When I see her after I’ve left her for a while it is the biggest sense of relief. She is such a site for sore eyes, I physically feel it in my stomach. At night, when I lie down next to her in bed I squeeze her little legs, I stare at her, and kiss her sweet cheeks for probably 30 minutes before I can even consider falling asleep myself. She has become my entire reason for existence. Is that healthy? I don’t care. It’s the way things are.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I Miss Her
I miss Jane. I miss her all day long every day that I am at work. Sometimes it physically hurts me I miss her so much. (And yet, when I get home, I immediately look forward to bedtime.) She loves going to the sitter, Miss Marie. I'm a little uneasy about the sitter. I trust the woman but there are things I don't like. #1, She's a smoker. She doesn't smoke in the house and Jane never come home reeking, but she sometimes have this vague smell of cigarettes about her. It's VERY vague. I am the cigarette nazi. I can sniff out a cigarette miles away. So this really isn't that bad. I should probably just get over this. The house doesn't smell like smoke either. #2, During the summer she has the kids play in pools. Jane will only ever be in a kiddie pool, under (supposedly) constant supervision. The big kids get in the big pool with life jackets. She empties the kiddie pool when they are done and removes the ladder from the big (above ground about 3-4 feet) pool so no kid can escape and get in the big pool while she isn't watching. Her safety measures are good, but you still wonder how safe it can be. I sometimes wish I wasn't so ultra-concerned about everything. OK, I often wish this. I mean, our parents grew up swimming in the river with no life jacket, eating lead-paint based toys, in asbestos filled houses. They made it. I had the rusted through wagon, the choking hazard REAL Little People, I walked to the park and swimming pool unaccompanied by an adult by the third grade, etc. I made it too. We are probably TOO safe nowadays, but you still have to worry. I think we are too informed nowadays. Whenever a kid drowns or some horrible accident happens, we hear about it via e-mail, the internet, the news, etc. Each time a child is missing you hear about it 24/7. I know these things happen, but they are still so rare. Back in the "old days" it wasn't this way. I think the "old days" were better in this aspect. I take each bit of bad information to mean, THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME.
Oh and back to why I don't like the sitter. #3, She has a dog. I don't know WHY this bothers me. I really don't. It's a harmless old poodle. Jane doesn't like the dog. She's afraid of it. I guess that's why I don't like it. #4 I'm afraid she watches too many kids during the summer. That is one thing I am definitely going to check out. If there are too many kids, we will look elsewhere.
So, I wonder...would I feel this way about EVERY sitter? Would I find something to be uneasy about everywhere we go? I am good at finding the negative. I am good at worrying.
The good things about the sitter:
1. She caters to Jane's food allergies. Jane eats up in the highchair so I know she's not going to stealing food off of another kid's plate or something like that. This is very good. This was one of my TOP worries before we found Miss Marie.
2. Jane LOVES going there. The other day when I got home from work, she didn't come running to see me, she didn't smile or anything. She just said very seriously, "I need to go back Miss Marie's house."
3. She tells us a lot about Jane's day. How long she napped, if she pooped, cute little tidbits and things she did.
4. She sends all of our stuff back to us clean. All food dishes are returned washed. Jane's bib, which is rarely dirty, is folded up in a plastic bag.
5. She puts OUR sunscreen on Jane (Jane breaks out to "other" stuff) without complaint. I think she just sprays all of the other kids down with the same stuff.
6. Jane comes home happy. She never does things which make us wonder if she's being hurt, neglected or abused in any way. She has actually benefited from going. She comes home and can count, do ABC's, and loves to show us the games she's learned.
7. Miss Marie is very close to our house. She charges only $25 a day, she's ALWAYS "open for business", and she is very flexible with our part-time schedule.
8. Jane will actually nap for her (about 50% of the time). I'm glad for this. I was afraid she would never nap for anybody but someone whose hair she was playing with at the time.
I am just trying to talk myself into "outside" childcare. I even miss Jane when she's with my own mother. I still worry about her then too.
When I have this baby, I am going back on Zoloft IMMEDIATELY. Maybe that will take the edge off of my worrying. I mean, I know every mother worries endlessly about her children, but sometimes I think mine is a touch too much.
Oh and back to why I don't like the sitter. #3, She has a dog. I don't know WHY this bothers me. I really don't. It's a harmless old poodle. Jane doesn't like the dog. She's afraid of it. I guess that's why I don't like it. #4 I'm afraid she watches too many kids during the summer. That is one thing I am definitely going to check out. If there are too many kids, we will look elsewhere.
So, I wonder...would I feel this way about EVERY sitter? Would I find something to be uneasy about everywhere we go? I am good at finding the negative. I am good at worrying.
The good things about the sitter:
1. She caters to Jane's food allergies. Jane eats up in the highchair so I know she's not going to stealing food off of another kid's plate or something like that. This is very good. This was one of my TOP worries before we found Miss Marie.
2. Jane LOVES going there. The other day when I got home from work, she didn't come running to see me, she didn't smile or anything. She just said very seriously, "I need to go back Miss Marie's house."
3. She tells us a lot about Jane's day. How long she napped, if she pooped, cute little tidbits and things she did.
4. She sends all of our stuff back to us clean. All food dishes are returned washed. Jane's bib, which is rarely dirty, is folded up in a plastic bag.
5. She puts OUR sunscreen on Jane (Jane breaks out to "other" stuff) without complaint. I think she just sprays all of the other kids down with the same stuff.
6. Jane comes home happy. She never does things which make us wonder if she's being hurt, neglected or abused in any way. She has actually benefited from going. She comes home and can count, do ABC's, and loves to show us the games she's learned.
7. Miss Marie is very close to our house. She charges only $25 a day, she's ALWAYS "open for business", and she is very flexible with our part-time schedule.
8. Jane will actually nap for her (about 50% of the time). I'm glad for this. I was afraid she would never nap for anybody but someone whose hair she was playing with at the time.
I am just trying to talk myself into "outside" childcare. I even miss Jane when she's with my own mother. I still worry about her then too.
When I have this baby, I am going back on Zoloft IMMEDIATELY. Maybe that will take the edge off of my worrying. I mean, I know every mother worries endlessly about her children, but sometimes I think mine is a touch too much.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Imabusybee
I would really like to talk about myself for a minute. And what better place to do that than on your own blog?!
I got my hair cut. Really quite short. I like it and I dislike it. I mainly like it. I will almost totally like it after it's grown about a quarter of an inch longer.
I had another episode of spotting (first one led to an ER trip) with this pregnancy. An ultrasound yesterday showed that things are going well. I am still so early that we couldn't even see a heartbeat or a fetal pole/aka what will become your baby). But everything is as it should be right now and that is very encouraging. I am feeling sick. That awful pregnancy feeling and it is EXACTLY like what I had with Jane except I didn't get this way until later in the first (technically second) pregnancy. It's this gross feeling and you think eating will help it go away. It's not nausea but I do feel gaggy. It's heartburn and stomach churning and some weird feeling that can only be described as pregnant. It's not cool. I am hoping it doesn't get much worse or otherwise I am going to be a pretty pathetic mom. I already feel guilty because I am sort of in my own world and neglecting Jane. I mean, to the outside I'm not, but I am really not giving her my all. And she deserves that.
Speaking of Jane. She is PRECIOUS (what, you didn't know?). And happy. And talking up a storm. And she has all of her bottom teeth now. And I didn't know this until I counted them in a picture I took of her crying (heh heh). She won't let me SEE her teeth, even when we are brushing. She went to her first half-day at the sitter's house and did very well. I am still exceedingly nervous about it. She goes back on Tuesday for another half-day and then will be fulltime one day a week thereafter. SCARY!!!! When I got to Miss Marie's house to pick her up she cried when she saw me. I kind of thought she would. But apparently she did very well and didn't cry once while I was away. She ate all of her breakfast (bless her little heart) and she played with the other kids and she danced up a storm. She was starting to get sleepy when I got there. She saw me, cried, took her Dora lunchbox that was nearby and said, "take Dora wit me, go home" and then she walked to the front door with her lunchbox and waited for me. Now that broke my heart. Into a million little pieces. I know she had a good time though. But she was ready to go home. Poor baby. I hate leaving her with somebody I really don't know. It makes me feel impotent. It just doesn't feel natural. I really like my job and I really like working part-time, but times like these I would quit if I could.
I know what my next baby girl is going to be named and I love it so much. I am dying for this baby to be a girl. And I know that since I said that, it will be a boy. I thought Jane was a boy for a while and I was actually disappointed when we found out she wasn't. Ha! Disappointed to get my sweet baby Jane?! Crazy! Anyway, even when we thought Jane was a boy, we still didn't have a name picked out. I do not like a single boy's name. I can't find one that gets me excited. Jane got me excited. We knew a girl would be Jane from the get-go. Just like I know my second girl will be Kate. (Katherine). Ah, I really love it. It really makes me excited. Jane and Kate Skinner. Come on. Two strong, classic names. So, whether it's this baby or not, my next baby girl will be Katherine (called Kate) Skinner. If I have a boy, he may be nameless until he's old enough to pick his own name.
We (read my husband) are doing a lot of work on the house right now. We got it raised (foundation stuff) last week so now we are filling in drywall cracks and painting. A big project, although it sounds fairly boring and straightforward. It's not. Logistically speaking it's kind of a nightmare. Only one of us can do the work while the other has to get Jane out of the house. Guess it's back to Grammaw's. She's getting kind of sick of us. We're hoping to have the house ready by Jane's birthday party (April 23). We have to buy a grill, new patio furniture, paint the house (almost every room), do a bunch of yardwork, and get Jane's swingset up and running in a matter of a few weekends. It's daunting. But I think we can do it. Um. Maybe not, actually. I don't know. It's stressing me out because my husband doesn't want me to help painting. I trust him, but I trust myself better to do the painting where the wall meets the ceiling. I have a steadier hand. Oh my, I forgot I wanted to powerwash and restain the deck. I don't think that one will get done in time for the party. :-/
I got my hair cut. Really quite short. I like it and I dislike it. I mainly like it. I will almost totally like it after it's grown about a quarter of an inch longer.
I had another episode of spotting (first one led to an ER trip) with this pregnancy. An ultrasound yesterday showed that things are going well. I am still so early that we couldn't even see a heartbeat or a fetal pole/aka what will become your baby). But everything is as it should be right now and that is very encouraging. I am feeling sick. That awful pregnancy feeling and it is EXACTLY like what I had with Jane except I didn't get this way until later in the first (technically second) pregnancy. It's this gross feeling and you think eating will help it go away. It's not nausea but I do feel gaggy. It's heartburn and stomach churning and some weird feeling that can only be described as pregnant. It's not cool. I am hoping it doesn't get much worse or otherwise I am going to be a pretty pathetic mom. I already feel guilty because I am sort of in my own world and neglecting Jane. I mean, to the outside I'm not, but I am really not giving her my all. And she deserves that.
Speaking of Jane. She is PRECIOUS (what, you didn't know?). And happy. And talking up a storm. And she has all of her bottom teeth now. And I didn't know this until I counted them in a picture I took of her crying (heh heh). She won't let me SEE her teeth, even when we are brushing. She went to her first half-day at the sitter's house and did very well. I am still exceedingly nervous about it. She goes back on Tuesday for another half-day and then will be fulltime one day a week thereafter. SCARY!!!! When I got to Miss Marie's house to pick her up she cried when she saw me. I kind of thought she would. But apparently she did very well and didn't cry once while I was away. She ate all of her breakfast (bless her little heart) and she played with the other kids and she danced up a storm. She was starting to get sleepy when I got there. She saw me, cried, took her Dora lunchbox that was nearby and said, "take Dora wit me, go home" and then she walked to the front door with her lunchbox and waited for me. Now that broke my heart. Into a million little pieces. I know she had a good time though. But she was ready to go home. Poor baby. I hate leaving her with somebody I really don't know. It makes me feel impotent. It just doesn't feel natural. I really like my job and I really like working part-time, but times like these I would quit if I could.
I know what my next baby girl is going to be named and I love it so much. I am dying for this baby to be a girl. And I know that since I said that, it will be a boy. I thought Jane was a boy for a while and I was actually disappointed when we found out she wasn't. Ha! Disappointed to get my sweet baby Jane?! Crazy! Anyway, even when we thought Jane was a boy, we still didn't have a name picked out. I do not like a single boy's name. I can't find one that gets me excited. Jane got me excited. We knew a girl would be Jane from the get-go. Just like I know my second girl will be Kate. (Katherine). Ah, I really love it. It really makes me excited. Jane and Kate Skinner. Come on. Two strong, classic names. So, whether it's this baby or not, my next baby girl will be Katherine (called Kate) Skinner. If I have a boy, he may be nameless until he's old enough to pick his own name.
We (read my husband) are doing a lot of work on the house right now. We got it raised (foundation stuff) last week so now we are filling in drywall cracks and painting. A big project, although it sounds fairly boring and straightforward. It's not. Logistically speaking it's kind of a nightmare. Only one of us can do the work while the other has to get Jane out of the house. Guess it's back to Grammaw's. She's getting kind of sick of us. We're hoping to have the house ready by Jane's birthday party (April 23). We have to buy a grill, new patio furniture, paint the house (almost every room), do a bunch of yardwork, and get Jane's swingset up and running in a matter of a few weekends. It's daunting. But I think we can do it. Um. Maybe not, actually. I don't know. It's stressing me out because my husband doesn't want me to help painting. I trust him, but I trust myself better to do the painting where the wall meets the ceiling. I have a steadier hand. Oh my, I forgot I wanted to powerwash and restain the deck. I don't think that one will get done in time for the party. :-/
Friday, March 25, 2011
She's Come Undone (sorry Wally Lamb...loved your book by the way!)
I knew this would happen eventually. I just didn't know when and under what circumstances. I have officially lost my mind. I am a total basketcase. A complete emotional trainwreck. I'm flipping out. I'm crying uncontrollably. I am feeling like a panic attack would be a welcome escape from the place I am at the moment.
Pregnancy hormones, denying Jane the opportunity to nurse, having to put her in the care of a complete stranger for 1-2 days a week, plus stopping my Zoloft cold turkey (Yes, again. What's that saying? Ah, yes -- the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results.) have given this girl all she can handle. She's flipped her lid.
Yes, I'm still pregnant. That is great news! Isn't it? I don't even know because my brain is so fried I can't even comprehend the fact that I am pregnant. Apparently, the hormones are raging. I was a cool cucumber (so not) when I was pregnant with Jane. What is with the crying now?! I may have been a chronic worrier, but at least I didn't have to deal with the crying last time.
I've weaned Jane. Or am weaning. I'm not sure if you can say it is past-tense yet. But she will never nurse again. Bring on the waterworks. This is very emotional for me. I know I nursed her long enough. I am not feeling guilty over that. But when she looks at me and tries to take my boobs out of my shirt and cries, "Mommy miiiilk" it really breaks my heart. I want to give her comfort. Now I just give her a reminder that mommy is mean and doesn't love her enough to give her that comfort. She's actually doing remarkably well with it, but occasionally she will slip and ask for milk and when I remind her it is all gone, she whimpers and I have to choke back the tears. Tonight, since I am already in the most fragile state of my life, she saw my cleavage (lol, I know, this sounds weird) and she started crying and said, "mommy hold hand". I lost it. Right there in front of her I started the ugly cry. Then she got very concerned that mommy was crying so she kissed me and got up in my face and said, "hi, hi" like she was trying to take my mind off of crying. And the final blow was when she said, "mommy STOP crying, momma stop crying!". I finally did. It took great effort on my part. I was scaring her. :'(
And now on to what I think is the main part of my breakdown: child care. My mom no longer wants to watch Jane 2 days a week (just one...I think/hope). Jeremy is not going to be able to watch her on his normal day for about 6 weeks. This means the dreaded "outside caregiver" must come into play. I am not mad at my mother. Really. She has been watching Jane since she was an infant for FREE. I knew this day would come. But I was in major denial. We've met with a woman who I think might work. I guess it's really a good deal. She charges $25 a day (I won't tell her I'd pay her $100) and will watch Jane whenever we need her to. Any day of the week. She watches 3 other kids full-time and has a few other "drop-ins" (that is what Jane will be dubbed) on any given day. She is nice. I met her in the park last year and struck up a conversation with her. But I still don't know her. Yes, I got references, but...I just don't have trust. (I am faithless in everything.) I am scared out of my mind about Jane's food allergies. And when I get in the presence of a potential caregiver, I lose my sense of self. I freeze. I don't know what to ask. I don't know how to be normal. I get chatty. My sentences get choppy. I mess up my tenses. I become completely stupid. My tongue gets in my way for crying out loud! I forget to be Jane's advocate and am just really concerned with the fact that if I show any doubt in her maybe she will be mean to my child. I've already run through my mind where I can place a hidden camera in her house so I can make sure she isn't giving the children hard-boiled eggs willy nilly. I seriously have. I thought I could maybe hide one in my diaper bag and strategically place it somewhere I can get a sneak peak. How crazy is that?! Will I really do it? No. (I don't guess so, damnit) I find myself downplaying my fear over her food allergies when really I should just tell this woman that I am scared to death about Jane eating something she's not supposed to and having a horrible ER-neccesary-trip-inducing reaction. She did assure me that it would be no problem to keep Jane's food that I bring from home to just Jane. I just need her to tell me exactly why that is the case. I must get up the strength to ask her for a second interview. After I call every reference on her list, that is. (heh heh...I am such an idiot, I told her we probably wouldn't even need the references). I'm so scared I might offend a possible caregiver. How can this be good parenting? It's not. I'm lame and weak. And spineless.
We went today for our first "interview" but it was during kid hours so it was kind of hard to speak to her at length about any one topic. Jane seemed to like it OK. The kids were really interested in her and had her cornered at one point. Not being mean, but overly embracing of her. She got spooked. Came over to me and said, "go home". Turn dagger in heart another rotation.
Yeah yeah yeah, I stopped my Zoloft. Again. Why? Because I can handle it. I'm pregnant anyway. I don't need it. I totally didn't have a complete panic attack today and call my mom sobbing uncontrollably, "pleeassee.....come.....over....I...can't...breathe". I'm so able to deal with this on my own. That's why I stopped my Zoloft. Cold turkey. For the billionth time in my life. I learn from my past mistakes buddy! You better believe it!
Lastly, one final thing I feel the need to mention is that my body is disgusting. I should have lost all of my excess bagagge (I look like the saggy baggy elephant) before I got knocked up again. Now I feel as if I've passed some kind of critical point and there is no going back to even a halfway decent body. I will never again have a body that won't make me want to vomit and say, "What is that disgusting thing!? Can't be me! What?! That is ME?! Oh my GAWD, kill me now!" again. This second pregnancy will for sure send me spiralling into stretch marks, which I somehow avoided the first time around, and an oddly disappearing lumpy, dented ass for all eternity. Don't laugh. It's not even funny. If you laugh I will cry and I don't know if I am capable of stopping.
Pregnancy hormones, denying Jane the opportunity to nurse, having to put her in the care of a complete stranger for 1-2 days a week, plus stopping my Zoloft cold turkey (Yes, again. What's that saying? Ah, yes -- the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting different results.) have given this girl all she can handle. She's flipped her lid.
Yes, I'm still pregnant. That is great news! Isn't it? I don't even know because my brain is so fried I can't even comprehend the fact that I am pregnant. Apparently, the hormones are raging. I was a cool cucumber (so not) when I was pregnant with Jane. What is with the crying now?! I may have been a chronic worrier, but at least I didn't have to deal with the crying last time.
I've weaned Jane. Or am weaning. I'm not sure if you can say it is past-tense yet. But she will never nurse again. Bring on the waterworks. This is very emotional for me. I know I nursed her long enough. I am not feeling guilty over that. But when she looks at me and tries to take my boobs out of my shirt and cries, "Mommy miiiilk" it really breaks my heart. I want to give her comfort. Now I just give her a reminder that mommy is mean and doesn't love her enough to give her that comfort. She's actually doing remarkably well with it, but occasionally she will slip and ask for milk and when I remind her it is all gone, she whimpers and I have to choke back the tears. Tonight, since I am already in the most fragile state of my life, she saw my cleavage (lol, I know, this sounds weird) and she started crying and said, "mommy hold hand". I lost it. Right there in front of her I started the ugly cry. Then she got very concerned that mommy was crying so she kissed me and got up in my face and said, "hi, hi" like she was trying to take my mind off of crying. And the final blow was when she said, "mommy STOP crying, momma stop crying!". I finally did. It took great effort on my part. I was scaring her. :'(
And now on to what I think is the main part of my breakdown: child care. My mom no longer wants to watch Jane 2 days a week (just one...I think/hope). Jeremy is not going to be able to watch her on his normal day for about 6 weeks. This means the dreaded "outside caregiver" must come into play. I am not mad at my mother. Really. She has been watching Jane since she was an infant for FREE. I knew this day would come. But I was in major denial. We've met with a woman who I think might work. I guess it's really a good deal. She charges $25 a day (I won't tell her I'd pay her $100) and will watch Jane whenever we need her to. Any day of the week. She watches 3 other kids full-time and has a few other "drop-ins" (that is what Jane will be dubbed) on any given day. She is nice. I met her in the park last year and struck up a conversation with her. But I still don't know her. Yes, I got references, but...I just don't have trust. (I am faithless in everything.) I am scared out of my mind about Jane's food allergies. And when I get in the presence of a potential caregiver, I lose my sense of self. I freeze. I don't know what to ask. I don't know how to be normal. I get chatty. My sentences get choppy. I mess up my tenses. I become completely stupid. My tongue gets in my way for crying out loud! I forget to be Jane's advocate and am just really concerned with the fact that if I show any doubt in her maybe she will be mean to my child. I've already run through my mind where I can place a hidden camera in her house so I can make sure she isn't giving the children hard-boiled eggs willy nilly. I seriously have. I thought I could maybe hide one in my diaper bag and strategically place it somewhere I can get a sneak peak. How crazy is that?! Will I really do it? No. (I don't guess so, damnit) I find myself downplaying my fear over her food allergies when really I should just tell this woman that I am scared to death about Jane eating something she's not supposed to and having a horrible ER-neccesary-trip-inducing reaction. She did assure me that it would be no problem to keep Jane's food that I bring from home to just Jane. I just need her to tell me exactly why that is the case. I must get up the strength to ask her for a second interview. After I call every reference on her list, that is. (heh heh...I am such an idiot, I told her we probably wouldn't even need the references). I'm so scared I might offend a possible caregiver. How can this be good parenting? It's not. I'm lame and weak. And spineless.
We went today for our first "interview" but it was during kid hours so it was kind of hard to speak to her at length about any one topic. Jane seemed to like it OK. The kids were really interested in her and had her cornered at one point. Not being mean, but overly embracing of her. She got spooked. Came over to me and said, "go home". Turn dagger in heart another rotation.
Yeah yeah yeah, I stopped my Zoloft. Again. Why? Because I can handle it. I'm pregnant anyway. I don't need it. I totally didn't have a complete panic attack today and call my mom sobbing uncontrollably, "pleeassee.....come.....over....I...can't...breathe". I'm so able to deal with this on my own. That's why I stopped my Zoloft. Cold turkey. For the billionth time in my life. I learn from my past mistakes buddy! You better believe it!
Lastly, one final thing I feel the need to mention is that my body is disgusting. I should have lost all of my excess bagagge (I look like the saggy baggy elephant) before I got knocked up again. Now I feel as if I've passed some kind of critical point and there is no going back to even a halfway decent body. I will never again have a body that won't make me want to vomit and say, "What is that disgusting thing!? Can't be me! What?! That is ME?! Oh my GAWD, kill me now!" again. This second pregnancy will for sure send me spiralling into stretch marks, which I somehow avoided the first time around, and an oddly disappearing lumpy, dented ass for all eternity. Don't laugh. It's not even funny. If you laugh I will cry and I don't know if I am capable of stopping.
 |
| Look, it's ME! |
Monday, March 21, 2011
Spring has Sprung
I've known since last Thursday that I am pregnant. Wednesday night I took a test and I swear I saw a line if I held it to the light at an angle just so. I sent my husband out for a digital and took it the next morning. Verdict: PREGNANT. I've since taken about 8 more tests just to be sure. They are all positive.
It's a weird feeling to be pregnant again. I didn't think it would happen this fast. Yes, we were trying, but I was sure it was going to be another long journey. And I am just barely pregnant. We're talking not even a week, so I know it can end in a bad way, but I am hopeful it will not.
So, if all goes well, Jane will be a big sister (to a baby sister, I hope) on or around November 29, 2011. Oops, I picked out our health insurance this year under the assumption I would NOT be having a baby. Oh well, c'est la vie.
Yes, I am very excited. I am just a subdued excited because I know from past experience how these things can turn ugly in the blink of an eye. My first pre-natal appointment is April 13. If I hear a heartbeat that day I will get super excited and freak out. Until then, I am taking care of myself the best I can and am eating up every moment of Jane's existence and loving my life for TODAY.
(in all honesty I'm obsessed with my lack of symptoms, my fear of miscarriage, and wondering how I am going to survive pregnancy with a toddler who is pure energy from 7 to 7, fretting about childcare, Christmas with a new baby, etc.).
Yeah, it's nice to say I'm living in the moment. I'm TRYING to!!!!! I promise.
It's a weird feeling to be pregnant again. I didn't think it would happen this fast. Yes, we were trying, but I was sure it was going to be another long journey. And I am just barely pregnant. We're talking not even a week, so I know it can end in a bad way, but I am hopeful it will not.
So, if all goes well, Jane will be a big sister (to a baby sister, I hope) on or around November 29, 2011. Oops, I picked out our health insurance this year under the assumption I would NOT be having a baby. Oh well, c'est la vie.
Yes, I am very excited. I am just a subdued excited because I know from past experience how these things can turn ugly in the blink of an eye. My first pre-natal appointment is April 13. If I hear a heartbeat that day I will get super excited and freak out. Until then, I am taking care of myself the best I can and am eating up every moment of Jane's existence and loving my life for TODAY.
(in all honesty I'm obsessed with my lack of symptoms, my fear of miscarriage, and wondering how I am going to survive pregnancy with a toddler who is pure energy from 7 to 7, fretting about childcare, Christmas with a new baby, etc.).
Yeah, it's nice to say I'm living in the moment. I'm TRYING to!!!!! I promise.
I'm on Mars!
It's been a while since I've written anything. I've mainly been enjoying life with little to no drama. Jane is growing up at a too-fast pace and she is talking and carrying on conversations. It's amazing to me the difference a year makes in a little one's life.
Right now she's obsessed with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (MMC). Now, before I had kids I swore I wouldn't let them sit in front of the TV all day. And, I don't. But, she does watch like at least 1 hour a day and it's always MMC. I try to cut down but sometimes I need to get something done (like eat dinner in peace) and this is the only thing that will appease her. One of the shows she's seen MANY times is "Goofy on Mars". She now pretends that she is on Mars all of the time and that she has fallen in a hole (as Goofy did). It's pretty neat to see her play make believe. She runs around saying "I'm on Mars! I'm on Mars!" She has also played doctor (like Daisy Duck) and asked her Minnie Mouse doll, "whatsamatter? tummy hurt? nose hurt? right dere? all gone!" So, while I know TV viewing isn't the best, it has enabled her to play make believe in a way that she did not do before this obsession.
Yes, I still adore her. Yes, I still love being her mother. She amazes me every day. She turns 2 in one month. Bittersweet!
Right now she's obsessed with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (MMC). Now, before I had kids I swore I wouldn't let them sit in front of the TV all day. And, I don't. But, she does watch like at least 1 hour a day and it's always MMC. I try to cut down but sometimes I need to get something done (like eat dinner in peace) and this is the only thing that will appease her. One of the shows she's seen MANY times is "Goofy on Mars". She now pretends that she is on Mars all of the time and that she has fallen in a hole (as Goofy did). It's pretty neat to see her play make believe. She runs around saying "I'm on Mars! I'm on Mars!" She has also played doctor (like Daisy Duck) and asked her Minnie Mouse doll, "whatsamatter? tummy hurt? nose hurt? right dere? all gone!" So, while I know TV viewing isn't the best, it has enabled her to play make believe in a way that she did not do before this obsession.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
My Jane update
 |
| Jane surrounded by her adoring aunts and Mommy. |
[And, by the by, for everyone who told me that co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding would make my child "weak" and co-dependent: suck it! Yeah, that's right. YOU were wrong. I was right. I told you so! ha ha ha]
Since Jane is so social and always wanting to go play with the "babies", we have also enrolled her in a Mommy-and-Me dance class for toddlers 18-36 months. I am a little nervous about it, and we haven't started classes yet (we will next Monday). It's incredibly expensive. $40 a month plus all the initial equipment, including tap shoes. Yes, tap shoes. I thought that was a little over the top for an 18-month old, but she absolutely loves her tap shoes. And I don't have her enrolled in dance because I want her to be a dancer. I am only doing this because she needs more socialization. I figure once baby #2 gets here (no, I am not currently pregnant, nor am I trying) we will have to stop these extracurricular activities due to money and time constraints. She can play with baby brother/sister then. Of course, if SHE wants to be a dancer, I will do everything my middle-class income allows to make that happen.
She is not only social, but extremely caring. She always worries when she sees other people crying. If she hurts herself and cries she will come and kiss ME. She hugs me and acts upset when I cry (I don't often cry but I will fake cry to illicit a hug...guilty). The other night we saw a Haitian baby who was crying and suffering from Cholera on the nightly news. It was heartbreaking. Jane couldn't get over it. She kept pointing to the TV well after the story was over and saying "baby?" in a caring voice. She was very upset at seeing that baby cry. Gosh, that moment made me so grateful I have a healthy child and sick for those who do not.
So Jane is just the greatest. She's amazing. She's wonderful. She's absolutely adorable. I love her with every breath in my body. She is the love of my life. I coudln't imagine my life without her.
Yada yada yada. :)
Achoo!
Am I the only one who pees a little every time I sneeze? And sometimes it's not just a little, but enough to soak through my pants. I know pushing out a 9 lb. baby has a little to do with this but this happened to me even before I had Miss Jane. I know they say that doing Kegels will help...yeah yeah yeah. My gynecologist tells me this every time I see her. I just can't be bothered with it. Who has the time? Seriously, I can't even remember to take my vitamins every day. I am lucky to remember once every three weeks. How am I supposed to remember my Kegels?! I guess I could do some now, but chances are this will be the only time I do them this month and so what's the use anyway? I guess I will continue to pee a little every time I sneeze. It dries fairly quickly.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Tuesday, 9/14/10
Now how is this for a random blog post. I am simply writing to pass the time. I can't even come up with a title for this one.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I Hate Eggs
At Jane's 15-month well-check she was supposed to get her MMR vaccination. I was really nervous about it. At one point in recent history the MMR was not given to kids with an egg allergy. Now, it is considered safe for even those with extreme egg allergies. Nevertheless, I was nervous and kept telling our Pediatrician about it. He finally said that he would give her a skin-prick test (SPT) to see if she had a reaction, just to put me at ease. We did it. I cried. He had to stick the needle all sideways into her arm and inject a little bit in. It looked quite painful. 20 minutes later he said she is not getting her MMR shot until (and if) she outgrows her egg allergy. Apparently, the welt she had was a reaction. I was grateful we did the test and she did not get the shot. Yay for my mommy instincts, right? :-/
So we get back home and I call the allergist. If the MMR is considered safe for egg-allergic kids, why did Jane react? He told me he could give her the MMR shot in his office THIS FRIDAY in graduated doses. He will do his own SPT and go from there. He thinks our doctor overreacted as 50% of positive SPT readings are false.
...sigh...
I'm really nervous about her getting it. I know she will be under the best care possible if she does have some kind of reaction. But, nervousness is racing through my veins. We have to leave our house by 7:15 am (early for us) to go to Louisville and will undergo a series of shots within a 2-hour period. My poor child.
I hate food allergies. I hate that it's ruined my life. And it really has. I'm scared to take Jane anywhere now. Even our pediatrician said that you have to be careful if someone has even eaten an egg and then kisses Jane. I asked him how long someone would have to refrain and he said 24 hours. What?! So if someone eats a cookie they have to stay away from my daughter or else she might have a fatal reaction. How am I supposed to manage that? I guess I will just keep her on lock-down for the rest of her life.
This is the reason I am already worried about Thanksgiving and thinking of boycotting all holiday festivities this year. This is the reason I can't take Jane on any overnight trips. This is the reason I obsess over what she eats, even if I KNOW it is "safe". This is the reason I have nightmares about EGGS.
I can't deal with this. I just can't. I hate it.
So we get back home and I call the allergist. If the MMR is considered safe for egg-allergic kids, why did Jane react? He told me he could give her the MMR shot in his office THIS FRIDAY in graduated doses. He will do his own SPT and go from there. He thinks our doctor overreacted as 50% of positive SPT readings are false.
...sigh...
I'm really nervous about her getting it. I know she will be under the best care possible if she does have some kind of reaction. But, nervousness is racing through my veins. We have to leave our house by 7:15 am (early for us) to go to Louisville and will undergo a series of shots within a 2-hour period. My poor child.
I hate food allergies. I hate that it's ruined my life. And it really has. I'm scared to take Jane anywhere now. Even our pediatrician said that you have to be careful if someone has even eaten an egg and then kisses Jane. I asked him how long someone would have to refrain and he said 24 hours. What?! So if someone eats a cookie they have to stay away from my daughter or else she might have a fatal reaction. How am I supposed to manage that? I guess I will just keep her on lock-down for the rest of her life.
This is the reason I am already worried about Thanksgiving and thinking of boycotting all holiday festivities this year. This is the reason I can't take Jane on any overnight trips. This is the reason I obsess over what she eats, even if I KNOW it is "safe". This is the reason I have nightmares about EGGS.
I can't deal with this. I just can't. I hate it.
Monday, August 16, 2010
The dreaded B-word
I hate to say it. I'm officially bored. It's been a long time since I've been bored. Jane came along and my whole life changed. There was always something to do. I didn't think I'd ever find time for boredom again. Alas, it found me. Now, I know this must be something that a lot of people struggle with from time to time. I know it can't just be me. But sometimes I wake up with no exciting plans for the day and I just want to cry. Days alone with Jane are the worst. I delight in everything she does. She is my next breath, my entire reason. But...we are just bored a lot these days. There is simply nothing for us to do. Get up, breakfast, play, laundry, dishes, snack, nap, lunch, dishes, play, cook dinner, blah, blah BLAH. Repeat. The monotony is getting to me. Even work bores me. It' all so predictable. So typical. And if you asked me what would fix my boredom I could not give you an answer. I have no idea.
I think what I'd like is to have another life for just a week or two. Maybe I could be 18 again and go to college for the first time. Or if I could become some gorgeous movie star having a love affair, going to expensive dinners and on tropical vacations. Of course, I would want to come back to my life...my Jane and my husband. But a week or two in someone else's (charmed) life sounds exciting. I just wonder what everyone else does when they feel this way. Is this why people have affairs? Is this why some people thrive on constant drama? I know I don't really want that. I'm really extremely happy with my life the way it is now. I guess this is really a reflection upon myself. My mom always told me that bored people are BORING. Touche...I've always been prone to boredom.
So each day I look forward to Jane's bedtime and then when she's finally asleep and I am "free" I figure out I have nothing to do. House is clean. Dinners are planned and prepped for the week. Facebook is slowly draining the life out of me. I can't concentrate on reading. TV sucks. WHAT?!
Maybe this is just the heat of summer getting to me. Maybe I should take my f-ing Zoloft. Maybe I should get pregnant again. (No...not that.) Maybe all I need is a night out with some good girlfriends, which is really not feasible considering the only ones I'd really like to go out with live far away and I can't yet leave Jane at night. Maybe my little family should go on a mini vacation. But then again...that is so much trouble with Jane's egg allergies and having to prepare ALL OF HER MEALS at home beforehand. Ugh...I just hope this passes soon. Until then, I feel like a "Desperate Housewife".
I think what I'd like is to have another life for just a week or two. Maybe I could be 18 again and go to college for the first time. Or if I could become some gorgeous movie star having a love affair, going to expensive dinners and on tropical vacations. Of course, I would want to come back to my life...my Jane and my husband. But a week or two in someone else's (charmed) life sounds exciting. I just wonder what everyone else does when they feel this way. Is this why people have affairs? Is this why some people thrive on constant drama? I know I don't really want that. I'm really extremely happy with my life the way it is now. I guess this is really a reflection upon myself. My mom always told me that bored people are BORING. Touche...I've always been prone to boredom.
So each day I look forward to Jane's bedtime and then when she's finally asleep and I am "free" I figure out I have nothing to do. House is clean. Dinners are planned and prepped for the week. Facebook is slowly draining the life out of me. I can't concentrate on reading. TV sucks. WHAT?!
Maybe this is just the heat of summer getting to me. Maybe I should take my f-ing Zoloft. Maybe I should get pregnant again. (No...not that.) Maybe all I need is a night out with some good girlfriends, which is really not feasible considering the only ones I'd really like to go out with live far away and I can't yet leave Jane at night. Maybe my little family should go on a mini vacation. But then again...that is so much trouble with Jane's egg allergies and having to prepare ALL OF HER MEALS at home beforehand. Ugh...I just hope this passes soon. Until then, I feel like a "Desperate Housewife".
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Some Random Thursday
It's 9:30 on a Thursday evening and my husband and Jane have been asleep for 2 hours. I've been wasting time on Facebook, straightened the house, and even got a 30 minute workout in on the treadmill. I feel GOOD! I wonder how much I weigh. Surprisingly, I haven't weighed myself in at least a month. I used to weigh myself every day. Of course, that was when I was dieting and delighted in the scale. I currently weigh probably 10 pounds less than I did when I got pregnant. Pretty good, but I've still got a good 15 pounds to go before I get to an acceptable weight. 25 if we're talking goal weight. I worked out on the treadmill in only my bra and panties. Luckily there aren't too many mirrors in the room, but I got a look at myself in one mirror and I don't guess I look that bad if you sort of blur your vision a bit. ;)
And speaking of PANTIES, I bought some new ones! 2 pairs of lacy Daisy Fuentes hipsters (not hers, but her brand) that actually do NOT ride up my ass all day and a 3-pack of Jockey french-cut COTTON panties. I'd never worn Jockey's before. These are pretty acceptable. They are comfortable and yet not entirely granny. I'd say they are appropriate for a gal in her early 30's. Well, at least a married gal with a 15-month old. Enough about panties.
Now on to my chronic worry problem. Yes, it's still there. If you met me on the street you'd think I was totally normal. Maybe a bit chatty, but basically normal. Inside I am a giant ball of nervousness. I am constantly on edge. There is this terminal gnawing in my stomach. I guess it's dread. And it's all to do with Jane. I will tell you it's because of her food allergy that I am like this, but I realize that if it wasn't that, it would be something else. I just constantly worry about her. I can never relax and just BE. On the way home from the store today I seriously thought about getting some counseling. I should probably get some "help" although in the past it's never gotten me far. My family will all say I should just TAKE MY ZOLOFT. I don't know why I won't do that. Seriously, I will take a Zoloft one day and then forget for 5 days to take it again. I guess I should give it a try for a few weeks and see if it really will make a difference. I am just so annoyed with the way I am. It is in my genes to be like this. I was BORN nervous and worried. I envy my mother who simply enjoys things as they come. She never assumes. She has faith that things will just work out. I, however, do not. And it's quite impossible to just force yourself to be positive, happy-go-lucky and carefree. Quite. I mean, I know all parents worry about their children. But not the way I do. Trust me. I'm loco.
Well, the downfall of working out in the evening is that it gets me pumped up and I have trouble falling asleep. It's currently 10:00 and I am not sleepy despite waking up with Jane at 5:30 am (egad!) this morning. But if I don't work out in the evenings, I just don't work out ever. Them's the breaks. I'm off to shower and then read a little. Wish me luck on the whole sleep thing. I only have ONE HALF of an Ativan left and no plan on how to score more. No, I am not a drug addict. It's just hard to get your doctor to prescribe you those little gems (which are safe for nursing, the best news I have had all year long, almost). In fact, I treasure these little pills so much that I got a pill-cutter and cut mine in fourths just to last me longer. I get the highest dose prescribed to me when really I don't need one that high. I'm smart like that.
Here's my baby.
Good night.
And speaking of PANTIES, I bought some new ones! 2 pairs of lacy Daisy Fuentes hipsters (not hers, but her brand) that actually do NOT ride up my ass all day and a 3-pack of Jockey french-cut COTTON panties. I'd never worn Jockey's before. These are pretty acceptable. They are comfortable and yet not entirely granny. I'd say they are appropriate for a gal in her early 30's. Well, at least a married gal with a 15-month old. Enough about panties.
Now on to my chronic worry problem. Yes, it's still there. If you met me on the street you'd think I was totally normal. Maybe a bit chatty, but basically normal. Inside I am a giant ball of nervousness. I am constantly on edge. There is this terminal gnawing in my stomach. I guess it's dread. And it's all to do with Jane. I will tell you it's because of her food allergy that I am like this, but I realize that if it wasn't that, it would be something else. I just constantly worry about her. I can never relax and just BE. On the way home from the store today I seriously thought about getting some counseling. I should probably get some "help" although in the past it's never gotten me far. My family will all say I should just TAKE MY ZOLOFT. I don't know why I won't do that. Seriously, I will take a Zoloft one day and then forget for 5 days to take it again. I guess I should give it a try for a few weeks and see if it really will make a difference. I am just so annoyed with the way I am. It is in my genes to be like this. I was BORN nervous and worried. I envy my mother who simply enjoys things as they come. She never assumes. She has faith that things will just work out. I, however, do not. And it's quite impossible to just force yourself to be positive, happy-go-lucky and carefree. Quite. I mean, I know all parents worry about their children. But not the way I do. Trust me. I'm loco.
Well, the downfall of working out in the evening is that it gets me pumped up and I have trouble falling asleep. It's currently 10:00 and I am not sleepy despite waking up with Jane at 5:30 am (egad!) this morning. But if I don't work out in the evenings, I just don't work out ever. Them's the breaks. I'm off to shower and then read a little. Wish me luck on the whole sleep thing. I only have ONE HALF of an Ativan left and no plan on how to score more. No, I am not a drug addict. It's just hard to get your doctor to prescribe you those little gems (which are safe for nursing, the best news I have had all year long, almost). In fact, I treasure these little pills so much that I got a pill-cutter and cut mine in fourths just to last me longer. I get the highest dose prescribed to me when really I don't need one that high. I'm smart like that.
Here's my baby.
Good night.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Panty Confessions
I am in desperate need of new underwear. In fact, my underwear drawer has always been a bit...childish, I guess. I have never been a lingerie type of girl. I can't wear fancy underwear thanks to my huge and, quite honestly, ugly ass. It's too uncomfortable. Whoever said thongs were comfortable is on crack. They are NOT comfortable. They are a 24/7 wedgie! I have never owned lingerie, as my husband has never shown any interest in it (he's a t-shirt and panties kind of guy I guess...and you can't blame him, he's got ME to work with). I own three bras. Four if you count the uncomfortable nursing bra I never wear. Two of those bras are the most basic harness contraptions you have ever seen...yes, they are nursing bras. My panties are basically the 4-pack of Hanes. Five if you're lucky and get the "1 free" packages. During my pregnancy I never bothered to wear any pantyliners (ew!) and post-pregnancy...well, if I am having a light day, I just go with it (is that too much of a confession?). My panties are nasty gross and several even have holes in them.
I guess I should splurge and go to Victoria Secret or something. But considering that I am starting from scratch, I can't stomach the sticker shock. And I really want to know if these fancy panties -- the low-ride hip-huggers, the lacy see-through things, the thongs (yuck!), the french-cut bikinis -- I really want to know if these are supposed to be comfortable. Are they to "normal" women? Because they aren't to me! Even when I go out and get my real size as opposed to the one size smaller that I ALWAYS buy just because I can't wear an 8 (and somehow a 7 is acceptable). They are just NOT comfortable.
I have always been curious about other girls' panty drawers. What would I find there? Am I abnormal or not? My entire panty drawer is full of nothing but cotton, flower designed, period panties.
Confession over.
I guess I should splurge and go to Victoria Secret or something. But considering that I am starting from scratch, I can't stomach the sticker shock. And I really want to know if these fancy panties -- the low-ride hip-huggers, the lacy see-through things, the thongs (yuck!), the french-cut bikinis -- I really want to know if these are supposed to be comfortable. Are they to "normal" women? Because they aren't to me! Even when I go out and get my real size as opposed to the one size smaller that I ALWAYS buy just because I can't wear an 8 (and somehow a 7 is acceptable). They are just NOT comfortable.
I have always been curious about other girls' panty drawers. What would I find there? Am I abnormal or not? My entire panty drawer is full of nothing but cotton, flower designed, period panties.
Confession over.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Jane's 1-Year Video
Jane's 1st Year from Marie Skinner on Vimeo.
It took me FOREVER to put this video together. I've had it finished for months now, but I just now figured out how to upload the entire video (no thanks to Youtube). Since I spent countless hours on this thing (and love the finished product) I thought I'd share.
Kudos to my friend Heather for suggesting the second song to me. It's Will Hoge's "Baby Girl" and I love it.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Food Allergies
Well, Jane is allergic to eggs. I am depressed about it. More like despondent, really. I always had "what if she has food allergies" in the back of my mind because it seems like such a scary diagnosis, and one hard to deal with. A food can kill you if you eat it. That is major. That is horrible. And that is what I am dealing with.
About a week after she turned one, I decided (per doctor's orders) to give her a scrambled egg. She ate it up and within minutes her right cheek and the right side of her lips were puffed up like giant marshmallows. It was terrifying. My husband and I drove her to the ER. All they did was give Benadryl. In hindsite, I now know that they SHOULD HAVE given her a shot of epinephrine. Long and horrible story short, we visit an allergist and confirm: egg allergy.
Now we are to avoid eggs in all forms. I am avoiding them too since I am still breastfeeding her and the proteins can pass through the milk to her. Yikes! Eggs are in a lot of things. Soups, pastas, cakes, cookies, etc. They hide everywhere and I hate them. If she ever has another reaction, I am to jam an Epi-Pen (aka NEEDLE) into Jane's outer thigh and call 911. Scary? Yeah, sort of.
I am not taking this in stride. I am a nervous wreck. As anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm a bit of a crazy person. I worry and I worry and I worry some more. This food allergy has MURDERED me. Each time she eats I watch her and wait for a dreaded reaction. No, I am not feeding her eggs, but I am petrified that she is going to develop an allergy to another food. I have lost about 10 pounds because I am too nervous to eat. Sounds great, but I am not taking care of myself properly.
I started back on my Zoloft. I hope it helps me deal better with this. I am finding the love I have for Jane almost chokes me sometimes. I am moving along the path of crazy, over-protective mother and I don't necessarily want to be that way. I hope I can return to semi-normal soon...the Zoloft is supposed to do that for me. Forget counseling. Counseling costs money and our health insurance SUCKS.
There is a good chance she will outgrow this allergy by age 5 (I'm hoping sooner than that!). So I need to focus on that. I also need to learn to relax but I don't see that happening without massive amounts of alcohol running through my veins 24/7.
It ain't easy being me. Not because I have it bad but because my brain is messed up and set to constant, debilitating worry. Something real like this food allergy sends me way over the edge.
...sigh...
About a week after she turned one, I decided (per doctor's orders) to give her a scrambled egg. She ate it up and within minutes her right cheek and the right side of her lips were puffed up like giant marshmallows. It was terrifying. My husband and I drove her to the ER. All they did was give Benadryl. In hindsite, I now know that they SHOULD HAVE given her a shot of epinephrine. Long and horrible story short, we visit an allergist and confirm: egg allergy.
Now we are to avoid eggs in all forms. I am avoiding them too since I am still breastfeeding her and the proteins can pass through the milk to her. Yikes! Eggs are in a lot of things. Soups, pastas, cakes, cookies, etc. They hide everywhere and I hate them. If she ever has another reaction, I am to jam an Epi-Pen (aka NEEDLE) into Jane's outer thigh and call 911. Scary? Yeah, sort of.
I am not taking this in stride. I am a nervous wreck. As anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm a bit of a crazy person. I worry and I worry and I worry some more. This food allergy has MURDERED me. Each time she eats I watch her and wait for a dreaded reaction. No, I am not feeding her eggs, but I am petrified that she is going to develop an allergy to another food. I have lost about 10 pounds because I am too nervous to eat. Sounds great, but I am not taking care of myself properly.
I started back on my Zoloft. I hope it helps me deal better with this. I am finding the love I have for Jane almost chokes me sometimes. I am moving along the path of crazy, over-protective mother and I don't necessarily want to be that way. I hope I can return to semi-normal soon...the Zoloft is supposed to do that for me. Forget counseling. Counseling costs money and our health insurance SUCKS.
There is a good chance she will outgrow this allergy by age 5 (I'm hoping sooner than that!). So I need to focus on that. I also need to learn to relax but I don't see that happening without massive amounts of alcohol running through my veins 24/7.
It ain't easy being me. Not because I have it bad but because my brain is messed up and set to constant, debilitating worry. Something real like this food allergy sends me way over the edge.
...sigh...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
A Day at the Office
My work moved offices. You should see our new building. It is FABULOUS. I have an office bigger than any of the bedrooms in my house (quite possibly bigger than our main living room) with a window bigger than a door. We have swanky board rooms with flat screen TVs. We even have a workout room (unequipped at the moment). This place is POSH. I'm loving it. And I am terribly spoiled. Here I am a part-time employee and I have my own huge office with a window and a door. The lights come on automatically when you enter the office and dim in the afternoons when there is too much sunlight. We are a certified GREEN building too, so that is really cool. I dig saving the environment and what-not.
Only bad thing about this place is that it's added about 12 minutes to my 5 minute commute. OK. I know I shouldn't complain about THAT. So I won't.
It's so nice to be working part-time. I used to hate Sundays because that meant the weekend was ending and I was going to have to endure 5 days in a row of waking up early and going to work. Now I have no ill feelings toward Sunday. I look forward to coming in to work. I always wake up early now that Jane is around. And the days that I stay home with her are most definitely harder than working out of my office all day. The days I come in to the office are a breeze. I really like my job and feel so efficient getting everything done in 3 days vs. the normal 5.
So I'm pretty happy about my work situation. I'm pretty happy about my home situation too (although we have foundation repair people coming next week to give us an estimate on fixing our sinking house and our kitchen has been taken over by ants). OK, in all honesty I would love to move to a bigger and better house, but going part-time has slashed my take home pay by about 1/4 and upgrading just won't be possible until I return to work full-time (in about 8 years after my second child turns 5. Well probably before then. We shall see.)
Insert brilliant closing line that wraps this entry up nicely {HERE}.
Only bad thing about this place is that it's added about 12 minutes to my 5 minute commute. OK. I know I shouldn't complain about THAT. So I won't.
It's so nice to be working part-time. I used to hate Sundays because that meant the weekend was ending and I was going to have to endure 5 days in a row of waking up early and going to work. Now I have no ill feelings toward Sunday. I look forward to coming in to work. I always wake up early now that Jane is around. And the days that I stay home with her are most definitely harder than working out of my office all day. The days I come in to the office are a breeze. I really like my job and feel so efficient getting everything done in 3 days vs. the normal 5.
So I'm pretty happy about my work situation. I'm pretty happy about my home situation too (although we have foundation repair people coming next week to give us an estimate on fixing our sinking house and our kitchen has been taken over by ants). OK, in all honesty I would love to move to a bigger and better house, but going part-time has slashed my take home pay by about 1/4 and upgrading just won't be possible until I return to work full-time (in about 8 years after my second child turns 5. Well probably before then. We shall see.)
Insert brilliant closing line that wraps this entry up nicely {HERE}.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Adventures in Being Awake at 3AM Continue...
It's official. Jane is one. We had her birthday party and despite the fact that none of my husband's family came, it was a great success. (No, I'm not bitter.) She had a wonderful day. She woke up in a great mood...and it was like she just knew that day was her birthday party. She loved showing off for everyone. Jane loves people, so unlike her mother these days.
Anyway, last Tuesday was her actual birthday and that was the day I cracked. I am chalking it up to a combination of PMS and consecutive nights of dismal sleep. The night before her birthday she was all over the place. She couldn't or wouldn't sleep. And due to this fact, I simply snapped. I don't know what went awry in my brain, but something in me just decided that this was unacceptable. I am the parent of a one-year old who cannot sleep through the night. Everyone else I know with babies (much younger than Jane, might I add) were complaining bitterly when their children woke just once during the night. I was enraged. Angry at these people for their petty complaints. Oh boo hoo, you woke up ONE time. You poor thing how will you ever make it? And I was angry at Jane for making me feel so completely out of control. I was desperate for sleep. So desperate that once while I was driving to work I had to remind myself that I was in fact DRIVING and not in some weird limbo state between real life and la-la land. I was literally seeing stars I was so tired.
The worst part of it was that the morning of her birthday I was mean to her. I did not tell her happy birthday. I did not let her tag along behind me while I got ready. I put her in her crib and let her scream and cry. It's a horrible feeling but I didn't have anything left to give the poor child. I left for work that morning without even saying good-bye to her.
So my plan was to end it. Not my life. Not the co-sleeping. But the night nursing. We were going cold turkey. I had to get ONE night of sleep. It had been 365 days since I had slept more than 4 hours in a row. I decided that I was going to spend the night with my parents AWAY from Jane and that my husband was going to take Jane. It was up to him to deal with her. I didn't care if he stayed up all night with her. I had to get out. I had to sleep.
Well, 3 hours into my trial separation from Jane and right before I was about to drift off to a blissful 8 hours in a row, my husband called me. Jane was hysterical. She wouldn't sleep for him. She couldn't catch her breath. She missed me and I had to come home. Well, I was in the car before he could finish his explanation. Hearing her cry like that over the phone made me miserable. I got home and she was despondent. It took me a good hour to get her calmed down. When she finally did fall asleep (3 hours after her normal bedtime) she was still shuddering from her cries. I don't care how many people tell me that it's OK for her to cry. Because it is NOT. Not like that. That was just wrong.
And now I feel as though I must insert that my husband is a good dad. Jane loves her Dada. He watches her every Wednesday and she loves it. She takes naps for him quite easily. He is an active father who helps out equally and has never once tried to get out of changing a poopy diaper. There is just something in Jane that will not tolerate anyone but MOMMY after 6pm. I must be the one to put her to sleep. My husband cannot do it. She will not allow it. We've tried. It has to be me. Not Grammaw, not Dada. MOMMY and only Mommy. (poor mommy!!!!)
So after my big "meltdown" and decision to go away from Jane for one night and to night wean her, I am happy to say, I never got my 4+ hours of consecutive sleep and we are still nursing at night incessantly. I am better now because we've had several nights of good (well, good for us) sleep. But I'm not ready to commit myself to a week (or more?!) of no sleep that it is going to take to get her night weaned. I don't know if I will ever be willing. It's nice and easy to make a plan during the day and say you are going to stick with it no matter what. But when it's 3AM and you haven't slept a wink and you have to go to work the next day (mind you I am an accountant and deal with MILLIONS of $$ every day), that plan quickly changes into "I must survive and will do whatever I have to just to get this child back to sleep".
What is the worst about this is that the day I was so miserable and completely unable to process any rational thought, I confided in a friend. You know what I got? "Answers". Apparently, if I let her cry-it-out in a crib (yes for 6 hours in a row, it won't hurt her if she hyperventilates, throws up and faints) she will learn that she should give up and sleep. I should also use white noise, put her to bed no earlier than 10pm and swaddle her (anyone ever try to swaddle a 1-year old?). Gee, thanks for the tips "friend". Nothing I was told was relevant but everyone in the world thinks they have the answers. I guess when you complain like I do, people feel compelled to "help" you. That's why I usually don't talk about my lack of sleep with my normal (eye roll) friends. They really do drive me mad. Especially because I know they think I am reaping what I sow for creating this "monster" that never sleeps.
So, Jane is one. We are still struggling with sleep. And I still love her more than my next breath.
Anyway, last Tuesday was her actual birthday and that was the day I cracked. I am chalking it up to a combination of PMS and consecutive nights of dismal sleep. The night before her birthday she was all over the place. She couldn't or wouldn't sleep. And due to this fact, I simply snapped. I don't know what went awry in my brain, but something in me just decided that this was unacceptable. I am the parent of a one-year old who cannot sleep through the night. Everyone else I know with babies (much younger than Jane, might I add) were complaining bitterly when their children woke just once during the night. I was enraged. Angry at these people for their petty complaints. Oh boo hoo, you woke up ONE time. You poor thing how will you ever make it? And I was angry at Jane for making me feel so completely out of control. I was desperate for sleep. So desperate that once while I was driving to work I had to remind myself that I was in fact DRIVING and not in some weird limbo state between real life and la-la land. I was literally seeing stars I was so tired.
The worst part of it was that the morning of her birthday I was mean to her. I did not tell her happy birthday. I did not let her tag along behind me while I got ready. I put her in her crib and let her scream and cry. It's a horrible feeling but I didn't have anything left to give the poor child. I left for work that morning without even saying good-bye to her.
So my plan was to end it. Not my life. Not the co-sleeping. But the night nursing. We were going cold turkey. I had to get ONE night of sleep. It had been 365 days since I had slept more than 4 hours in a row. I decided that I was going to spend the night with my parents AWAY from Jane and that my husband was going to take Jane. It was up to him to deal with her. I didn't care if he stayed up all night with her. I had to get out. I had to sleep.
Well, 3 hours into my trial separation from Jane and right before I was about to drift off to a blissful 8 hours in a row, my husband called me. Jane was hysterical. She wouldn't sleep for him. She couldn't catch her breath. She missed me and I had to come home. Well, I was in the car before he could finish his explanation. Hearing her cry like that over the phone made me miserable. I got home and she was despondent. It took me a good hour to get her calmed down. When she finally did fall asleep (3 hours after her normal bedtime) she was still shuddering from her cries. I don't care how many people tell me that it's OK for her to cry. Because it is NOT. Not like that. That was just wrong.
And now I feel as though I must insert that my husband is a good dad. Jane loves her Dada. He watches her every Wednesday and she loves it. She takes naps for him quite easily. He is an active father who helps out equally and has never once tried to get out of changing a poopy diaper. There is just something in Jane that will not tolerate anyone but MOMMY after 6pm. I must be the one to put her to sleep. My husband cannot do it. She will not allow it. We've tried. It has to be me. Not Grammaw, not Dada. MOMMY and only Mommy. (poor mommy!!!!)
So after my big "meltdown" and decision to go away from Jane for one night and to night wean her, I am happy to say, I never got my 4+ hours of consecutive sleep and we are still nursing at night incessantly. I am better now because we've had several nights of good (well, good for us) sleep. But I'm not ready to commit myself to a week (or more?!) of no sleep that it is going to take to get her night weaned. I don't know if I will ever be willing. It's nice and easy to make a plan during the day and say you are going to stick with it no matter what. But when it's 3AM and you haven't slept a wink and you have to go to work the next day (mind you I am an accountant and deal with MILLIONS of $$ every day), that plan quickly changes into "I must survive and will do whatever I have to just to get this child back to sleep".
What is the worst about this is that the day I was so miserable and completely unable to process any rational thought, I confided in a friend. You know what I got? "Answers". Apparently, if I let her cry-it-out in a crib (yes for 6 hours in a row, it won't hurt her if she hyperventilates, throws up and faints) she will learn that she should give up and sleep. I should also use white noise, put her to bed no earlier than 10pm and swaddle her (anyone ever try to swaddle a 1-year old?). Gee, thanks for the tips "friend". Nothing I was told was relevant but everyone in the world thinks they have the answers. I guess when you complain like I do, people feel compelled to "help" you. That's why I usually don't talk about my lack of sleep with my normal (eye roll) friends. They really do drive me mad. Especially because I know they think I am reaping what I sow for creating this "monster" that never sleeps.
So, Jane is one. We are still struggling with sleep. And I still love her more than my next breath.
My little birthday monster
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)